Boring eater

[Curious77]

Am I unreasonable to hate that my partner is a boring and bland eater? It really pisses me off that a man in his 50s ( met 6yrs ago) avoids any foods he is not familiar with!
he watches all my food programmes with me and oohs and aahs at the food, but in reality, he would unlikely try any of it.
i find it incredibly frustrating, and to coin a phrase I hate but seems perfectly apt… it gives me the ick!
he thinks houmous is hippie food, and pate is posh!
why do I want to shake him? Is it me? Am I a snob?

You seem very preoccupied with the idea that this is about food. Its not really about food. Food is not the benchmark.

As I have said several times on here I don’t expect an all out commitment from people to eat exotic meals. I don’t see food as a particular barometer.

But in almost every area of life, a person who will not try to expand their universe of understanding by one iota is a person who chooses to limit themselves. I find that impulse to self limit dull, unattractive and unintelligent.

If that makes me narrow minded, so be it but life is short and I don’t have to limit myself by exposing myself to other people’s self limiting beliefs. Plus I love food and don’t want to be around people who don’t enjoy it.

Than that's their look out. But the blame isn't entirely on the the person with the restricted diet.
You can have a preference about who you spent time with and if your preference is needing to have a vested interest in what I put in my mouth then I don't want to spend time with you either. It works both ways.

I wouldn't dream of dictating what someone else eats and people don't get to do that to me.

That's fine if it works for you. I'd worry if I was a picky eater I'd be missing out on a lot because a lot of socialising is food based. Maybe that's different in other cultures.

Hanging out with people who don't particularly like food is a bit dispiriting if you do like food. And also, unlike hobbies etc, food is (for most people) a 3 times a day thing.

I like thinking about what i'm going to eat, where, who with - I like food that is different interesting and tasty. It's a big part of being on holiday for me, or even just having something nice in the evening. Knowing that if you are going out to eat in the evening with your partner you can choose anywhere to eat.

Cooking in the evening something interesting for yourself while they have a sausage n'chips for the nth time - would be dispiriting to say the least.

I'd have to really really love someone to be with them if they weren't into food.

You seem very preoccupied with the idea that this is about food. Its not really about food. Food is not the benchmark.

You are making it about food. You are making assumptions about people ased on what they will or won't eat.

As I have said several times on here I don’t expect an all out commitment from people to eat exotic meals. I don’t see food as a particular barometer.

Then why are you here talking about how people who won't try new food lack curiosity about the world? You obviously do see it as some kind of barometer.

But in almost every area of life, a person who will not try to expand their universe of understanding by one iota is a person who chooses to limit themselves. I find that impulse to self limit dull, unattractive and unintelligent.

As someone who was diagnosed with ARFID as an adult I find this so offensive. If I was to try new food I would gag and probably vomit. Having an eating disorder or a preference around food does not make someone dull, or unintelligent.

If that makes me narrow minded, so be it but life is short and I don’t have to limit myself by exposing myself to other people’s self limiting beliefs. Plus I love food and don’t want to be around people who don’t enjoy it.

Here you go again, equating food and 'self limiting beliefs'. I thought it wasn't about food?
People are complex and multifaceted and rarely defined by one thing. If someone can't understand that then I wouldn't want to spend time with them and I have ended friendships and relationships because of that. One particualr friend would only ever focus on what I would ( or wouldn't ) eat and it was tiresome. I've been fortunate enough to travel the world and when I returned from trips she would only ever focus on how ridiculous it was that I didn't try local or unusual food. Even though I would always bring back local food and treats for others to try.

She certainly lacked curiosity ad open-mindedness.

Look, people can spend time with whoever they like. I certainly wouldn't force people to be my friend but to assume those with a restricted diet ( through choice or not) are dull, unintelligent and lack curiosity is absolutely being narrowminded.

For what it's worth I can believe in the existence of a person who is only narrow and limited in the area of food preferences. I just wouldn't willingly choose to go to a Chinese restaurant with them.

Honestly, I've lost count of how many people have told me i'm 'missing out'. I'm not. I have a phobia of food - would you tell someone who had a phobia of snakes they were missing out by not having one as a pet?

And I've never missed out on a social occasion because I don't like the food. I have my ways of making it work without causing an issue. I'm a party animal and love socialising and if that's at restaurants then I'll still be there! I work for a university and do a lot of international trips where events revolve around food. I eat what I can or find a way around it - often nobody even realises that I have an issue.

You should ask them though. They might be happy to go to a Chinese restaurant with you. I would as I'd be happy to go somewhere you like as I'll probably eat the same thing regardless!

But I wouldn't choose to eat a meal with someone that had a food phobia as I would enjoy it less. Sorry but decent eating out is really expensive and I've never had an eating out experience enhanced by the presence of someone with a food phobia. If I liked the person enough I'd find another activity to do. If I was meh about the person then we wouldn't spend much time together. That's where the missing out would come from.

I see. I understand that if you see it that way its going to be an issue.

To me, food is just food. You either like the taste or you dont. I dont give it any moral value or link it to personality traits etc.
If you want to put it in your mouth, put it in. If you dont, dont.

to me, food likes and dislikes are not in themselves anything important. You can go anywhere in the world and find bread to eat if thats all you want or like. It doesnt stop you from exploring the world or leaning new things and doesnt mean you are limited in other ways.

One of my children is very limited in food likes. He will order only chips, naan and poppadoms when we have an Indian takeaway. He also loves to learn about the world and wants to visit everywhere. He loves learning about languages and has taught himself many words in several.

My husband isnt a fussy eater but he doesnt give a shiney shite about food. He gets irritated by the interruption to his day caused by hunger and will just shove whatever is closest into his mouth until he'sno longer hungry and can get on with the rest of his day 🤣. That attitude doesnt translate to any other area of his life or form any part of his personality.

Sometimes it's literally just food, nothing deeper.

But that's your choice and it would be you that was missing out not me.
If spending time with me was more about watching me eat food than my actual company then we we're obviously not good friends.

It can seep into other aspects of your life though. The enjoyment of holiday destinations where the food is part of the experience can be compromised for example. I wouldn’t like to date a grown man who only ate bland food because they have the palate of a two year old.

The inherent reason for food is biological survival. Rich countries waste massive amounts of food and people eat more than they need. A basic need has been turned into excess and waste.

Hes been this way ALL the time you've been with him. Why did you stick around if it bugs you so much

Will never understand how any grown adult cares about what another one eats.

If you eat what you want why is the experience "compromised" by someone eating something different?

DH is the same, only he'd never watch a cookery programme.

He bought me a Gordon Ramsey recipe book once and I pointed out that, given that he wouldn't eat all but one or 2 things in there it was a pointless present

He then said I could cook the meals just for me,but when am I going to do that? Not going to cook a leg of lamb for just me.!

Why not? Despite being the one with the restricted diet I do quite a bit of the cooking and have cooked a full roast when DH was the only one eating meat. He just uses the left overs for something else.

The only think I won't cook is fish but I have bought DH recipe books which are specifically for fish as he loves it. Now he will cook it for him and DS but it was never an issue cooking for one. Do you think single people don't cook?

Lets order a Chinese / you know I don’t like it. Fine, you make what you want and I’ll order myself a chinese.

Lee and Sarah / well lets go and you enjoy a drink and some bread/ bring something cold that you will eat. Its not fair to expect them to do something special just for one and I don’t want to miss the couple time/ social.
Christmas Dinner / well we are going. Just eat some roast potatoes (or whatever) and don’t make a fuss. They know you don’t like most stuff so just eat what you can.

Basically, don’t live your life around the fuss.
Different if allergies of course.

I think I'd find it really depressing to be in a couple but to still have to always cook or order takeaway like a single person. I also wouldn't be comfortable say going to a friend's curry night and bringing a partner that had to bring their own food. Even my DC are getting too old for me to feel comfortable doing that.

But that is a 'you' issue though. Why does ordering a takeaway for one person make a difference? Other than actually saving you money!

I don't understand why it would be 'really depressing'. The social element can still be there. We eat together as a family pretty much every night. Some nights we eat the same thing ( sometimes slightly adapted for me- for example a Sunday roast for me is extra veg and no meat) or DH and DS are eating the same and I've sorted myself out.
It seems like you're imagining it to be a much bigger deal than it actually is.

Maybe it's a "me" issue but I've found plenty of people that are happy to eat a variety of foods with me. I've no need to adapt myself to someone that would need to bring sandwiches to a restaurant or a meal at a friend's house.

I like food and I like men who like food. I spent a lifetime with a mum who only seemed to eat toast. Having a certain gusto for a wide variety of food appeals to me and I find it attractive.

I think the wider issue is being anti-food, anti-novelty, anti-life.

I've never brough sandwiches to a restaurant or someone's house. Again, you're going straight to worst case scenario.
But hey, if what someone eats is a friendship criteria for you then knock yourself out. I wouldn't be friends with someone who made such a big deal out of a very minor aspect of my personality.
Let's hope all of your relationships are with people who are perfect in every way so you don't ever have to adapt for anyone!