Boring eater

[Curious77]

Am I unreasonable to hate that my partner is a boring and bland eater? It really pisses me off that a man in his 50s ( met 6yrs ago) avoids any foods he is not familiar with!
he watches all my food programmes with me and oohs and aahs at the food, but in reality, he would unlikely try any of it.
i find it incredibly frustrating, and to coin a phrase I hate but seems perfectly apt… it gives me the ick!
he thinks houmous is hippie food, and pate is posh!
why do I want to shake him? Is it me? Am I a snob?

I’ll be honest, there wouldn’t have been a second date. I eat a very varied diet, cook adventurously and couldn’t cope with a general fusspot. I can deal with gluten free, nut free, vegan etc just not the don’t eat anything brigade, had enough of that with dd, took 10 years to get her eating a normal diet

But a person with a phobia of specific foods is obviously a special and limited case!

You can hardly expect us to think that most people would interpret the OP’s post to be about someone with ARFID. Most people don’t even know what it is.

The ex-H was like this and he had the palate of a two year old. It really spoiled dining out and holidays for me, trekking about to find something he would eat. No phobias or disorders, just bland and unimaginative.

Yes, unfortunately for the OP the thread has been high jacked and taken off topic.

You're missing the point I'm making. ARFID is just one example of why someone might have a limited diet. You just don't know - my friend is on WLI and hasn't told many people but it has significantly changed her food preferences. My MiL had covid and now can't stand anything with tomato in it. All three of us could be labelled as 'fussy' by someone who sees us eat in restaurant.

The point is, there could be a million reasons why someone doesn't eat a wide variety of food and sometimes that will be that they just don't want to try new things but for others it could be a reason the they are choosing not to share.

This issue I had with your posts is the assumptions you make about a persons character and intelligence based on whether they eat certain foods. You have no way of knowing the reasons and you don't have a right to that information. And it really shouldn't matter.

Oh dear I'm like him 😂 I have stomach issues so very limited in what I eat.

My DH is an unusual one because he has whatever the palette equivalent of being tone deaf is but he declares everything the be delicious. I cook food really carefully to make it as nice as possible but he'd say the same thing about a jacket spud. Which is nice in a way but also means his own cooking is woeful as he'll forget to add salt, or add ingredients in a weird order because to him it all tastes great 😂

Food is a very personal thing and a lot of our preferences are rooted in our early experiences.

if you go to an Indian restaurant and he eats egg and chips - so be it. As long as you get your curry and enjoy so be it?

I used to be really unadventurous with food when I was younger and first married and my husband was so patient and just encouraged me without any pressure to try things.

He really helped me to do it incrementally (such as try a korma 1st not a vinderloo) and never pressured me to eat beyond my comfort zone.

I’m pretty good now and will eat a range of foods across many cuisines and sm more prepared to try things.

I probably couldn’t vocalise it then but I was pretty scared of anything different as I grew up in a very simple meat and 2 veg (always the same 2 veg) household where variety was most definitely not the spice of life.

we’re complex beings and we’re all different.

OK but again the examples you are providing are of people with specific medical conditions which makes food challenging for them.

We seem to be going around in circles with this and I feel like I have explained this several times and you are either not understanding or deliberately ignoring what I am saying but this is not what I am talking about.

Once again, I am not talking about people who have medical conditions. I am talking about people who just can’t be arsed to try things.

But how do you know someone has a medical condition or not? That's the point I'm making. And have made several time but you choose to ignore.

I’ve explained that ad nauseum as well. Not sure why it’s so difficult to understand. This isn’t a thread about Arfid.

But we are talking about the OP’s partner! Of course she would know if he had a medical condition!

Look I am not going out of my way to judge people I don’t know based on their diet. I’m not an idiot: I understand that there are things which limit people’s diets.

I am saying that if my significant other, in the absence of a medical condition, chose never to try new foods, I would consider it very limiting and frustrating. I don’t understand why I am being hauled over the coals for giving this perspective (on an anonymous forum) on the off chance that it might offend someone who has a rare food related condition. Its AIBU, not s special thread for people with food anxiety.

Its a bit like saying I should never talk about my love of music in public in case there’s a tone deaf person reading or listening. This is a discussion forum, this is literally the purpose of this board.

Why can’t you allow me to have my own preferences without tying everything to your very specific food condition which has no relevance to me whatsoever?

Some people are just fussy, picky, non-adventurous eaters. If you live with someone for years would they not pick up on the fact there is more going on that just lack of adventure in food?

I’m baffled by some of the responses on this thread. If what someone else eats has a significant impact on you then you’re clearly very self centred. To claim that a person’s diet is an indicator of their personality, intelligence and willingness to travel is absolutely fucking ridiculous. As for the poster who wouldn’t be friends with someone with a limited diet, if you’re that judgmental then any potential friends have had a lucky escape!
I have a limited diet, I’m currently awaiting a diagnosis of ARFID but I have never once dictated what restaurants friends and family can go to and have never sulked or moaned during a meal. I have no interest in cooking or food in the way that others do. I’ve still managed to travel the world and have 2 degrees. I manage just fine, I can’t think of a single occasion where I have been to a restaurant with my husband or friends and haven’t found something suitable on the menu. Friends and family have never complained or commented negatively. It’s not a case of trying new foods or being adventurous, I physically throw up if I try something I don’t like the look, texture or smell of. I wish this wasn’t the case but it’s not something I have any control over so no point stressing over it.

Yes some people just picky which is just as valid as someone who has a medical condition. People are allowed to have a preference and it doesn't automatically mean that that they are boring or stupid.

But also, some people don't recognise that they have an eating disorder so it's not that simple. If you were to ask my ex, he wouldn't say I had an eating disorder because everyone just thought I was fussy (including me to an extent).
It wasn't until I was in my 30's that i came across a video about ARFID and the penny dropped. It took years to get a proper diagnosis and any form of treatment ( which I had to pay for privately).

The point I'm making is that people don't deserve to be judged for their food preferences whatever the rationale is.

And I would also say that people have the right to not be in a relationship with someone who has a restricted diet. I'm absolutely not saying you have to put up with someone who isn't a right fit for you. I just object to the judgemental language that's all.

No one is saying you’re not allowed preferences when it comes to food, but equally people are allowed preferences as to what they find attractive or unattractive in a partner. Fussy, picky eating in a partner would be a turn off for me or at the very least, a disappointment, regardless of the reason. My mum had food issues, I simply don’t want to deal with that again if I don’t have to.

If you’re weighing up whether someone is the right fit for you then judgement has to come into it because that is what you’te doing in order to assess. This isn’t personal to you, I don’t know why you’re taking it so personally.

You’re not the OP’s partner though so what you do or don’t do doesn’t affect OP.

Nobody is saying you have to, just don’t name call or be rude about people. It’s that simple.

You can acknowledge that someone isn’t your type or compatible without calling people stupid or boring based no information other than what they like to eat.

Judging compatibility doesn’t have to include insulting someone. That’s all I’m saying.

Surely you’re capable of acknowledging that someone isn’t your type in a respectful way?

@Onbdy

I’m baffled by some of the responses on this thread. If what someone else eats has a significant impact on you then you’re clearly very self centred. To claim that a person’s diet is an indicator of their personality, intelligence and willingness to travel is absolutely fucking ridiculous.

But being self-centred is the whole point of choosing a life partner. Compatibility of values, shared experiences and beliefs is literally what makes being in a relationship worthwhile. If food and eating out is a big part of your life and your partner refuses to meet you half-way by trying foods which you enjoy, it's not going to enhance your life.

If someone had ARFID or another anxiety related to food I would honestly struggle to find this compatibility as enjoyment of food and experimentation with food is really important to me (as it clearly is for others). I would be sympathetic but it would have an impact on me and at my advanced age I don't have the time or the emotional energy to spend my life dancing around someone's food anxieties. Call me self-centred but that's how I feel.

I don't think anyone's said that someone's diet is an indicator of their personality, intelligence and willingness to travel per se, but a person who will never try new foods (again, in the absence of ARFID or a similar food condition) is showing a certain stubbornness which I find closed, limiting and unattractive. I'm not saying they should disappear off the face of the earth, but I wouldn't want them as a partner. And that is my right.

In any case, as stated endlessly on here, the OP's partner appears not to have ARFID or other food anxieties, he just doesn't want to try anything except a handful of beige dishes.

As long as somebody isn't trying to force me to also eat their diet or constantly moaning about what I eat then I'd be happy to live and let live.(and this can apply to both parties!).

Personally I'm abit of a mix. I'll happily try anything veggie but will also eat the same dinner for months coz I CBA thinking about what to cook!

I haven’t been in this particular situation but if I was then yes I would like to think I wouldn’t be obnoxious about it. Whether I saw if the relationship had legs would depend on other factors too.

But to be honest I wouldn’t have a relationship with someone who had ‘issues’. My mum had an eating disorder and my ex was an alcoholic so there is nothing left in my tank to deal with someone’s issues if it impacts negatively on me in any way.

I don’t recall calling anyone stupid?