Boomer parents who don't help their children

[hoarderofthedough]

I will preface this by saying that my own Boomer parents DID help me and my sibling, and I will be forever grateful. They were wonderful.

BUT.....my DH's mother, on the other hand is the opposite, and it's giving me the rage. I wondered whether anyone else had experienced similar?

She is super rich, and by that I mean a multi millionaire. She lives in a 6 bed mansion, has around 8 properties that she rents out, providing an income of circa £10k a month, and she lavishes it ALL on herself and her boyfriend.

Her daughter (my SIL) lives in a tiny house in an awful (dangerous) part of town, and doesn't have a pot to piss in. Scrimping and saving, not able to put the heating on in winter, no treats ever - and all the while MIL is jet setting to exotic holidays, always in business class....with not one thought for her DD and grandkids welfare.

On the rare occasions we meet up for a meal, MIL will let DH and SIL pay. Or at best the bill will be split - but never are we treated with her paying. However, she is very happy to treat her boyfriend to lots of things.

She's almost 80 now, and still has no thoughts of gifting money to avoid inheritance tax.

Anyone else experience this? I find it truly baffling, because if I was in her position I would be filtering down money to my adult kids regularly.

I agree with you op and funnily enough I was having this conversation with a friend recently.

I have a friend whose parents are very well off and she is on benefits and really struggling and they are quite happy to watch her struggle while talking to her about not knowing where to put all of their money because they've maxed out their Isas etc.

To a lesser extent I am in a similar situation in that my dad has loads of money and I often wonder why he doesn't think to offer to pay off our mortgage because it would absolutely transform our lives and he literally wouldn't notice the money gone, and of course within a decade or less I will have inherited anyway but it would make such a difference to me right now.

I don't know what it is, I think it's not thinking about the situation and maybe not understanding that their children are struggling financially.

I would never ask my dad for money in that way and my friend is the same.

I guess our parents are just oblivious to our difficulties while they swan off on their multiple holidays a year.

Why can’t you, your DH and your SIL stand on your own 2 feet without parental help? If your MIL is 80, your SIL can’t be that young. It’s not like she’s a just starting out 20 year old. Why hasn’t she had a career/invested/saved before having kids? The vast majority of people with “boomer” parents (nice bit of ageism there) don’t rely on them financially and won’t be getting inheritances, but get by nevertheless and even live comfortably through their own efforts.

Wealthy MIL hoarding money | Mumsnet
Page 5 | Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child | Mumsnet
Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child | Mumsnet - except she's your Mother in this one

Knew I'd seen it before! Didn't like the answers you got last time?

Not everything posted on MN is true, thankfully.

What? No one has ever asked MIL for money, not EVER. Not even hinted at it.

Oh dear @hoarderofthedough 😳

There's good reason for it. As a generation, there seems to be a disproportionate number of people within that age group which lack understanding or empathy as to what life is now like for the younger generation. I have debated many who cannot seem to fathom why anyone would have objections to holiday homes, or buying umpteen 2-3 starter homes to rent out as holiday lets when people in their 30s and 40s are struggling to get on the ladder. Many boomers live in total la-la land when it comes to the cost of major house repairs as well.

Typical.

It's just bizarre, isn't it?

This is what I try to explain to younger ones who deride boomers. We weren’t living our lives back then saying, yay! We’re boomers and we’re going to screw everyone over, like some kind of mass conspiracy. We were just living our lives with the cards we got. I couldn’t afford to rent anywhere unless it was a house share, commuting expenses took a big chunk out of my wages, I lived month to month. Compared to today yes some things were easier, but they didn’t feel easy at the time, life was hard. No doubt in a few decades today’s younger generations who got old will get lambasted by their younger gens.

Erm, we ARE standing on our own two feet, given that no one has ever been given one penny.

So the OP has changed from being the DD of the Rich Mother to the DIL otherwise the same script.

What's the point OP?

Anything to say about @Seeline 's post? Hmmm?

Eta: Cross post. Sure thing.

Maybe this was SIL 😂

The use of ‘boomer’ was an unfortunate mistake. It gives your post a nasty, ageist undertone. What has the fact that they are ‘boomers’ got to do with anything?

And the really telling phrase in the OPs first post is

“she treats her boyfriend”

So that’s the killer, she has a boyfriend, and in two ticks he could become a husband and the OP and all the other hard done by relatives could watch their “ inheritance” sailing off into the sunset.

booo hooo😪

More like you're 'SIL'

I agree I think it’s outrageous. They are more wealthy not because they worked harder than the generation below but because they got lucky with the housing market and economy.

Also if she won’t gift she’ll give a huge amount to hmrc rather than their children.

So many people saying “it’s her money, let her spend it how she likes” but actually could you imagine yourself being a multi millionaire and letting your children struggle?
If I was in that position I would be doing all I can to help my children, especially with how hard life is at the moment.

OP posted previously. The same scenario, but it was her own mother who was the rich ‘boomer’. No mention of SiL scrimping and saving - it was OP and her DH who were literally ‘on the bones of their arse’. So much so that she was selling on EBay just to be able to buy Christmas gifts for their family, and couldn’t afford to put the heating on in winter.

And yet on this thread OP says We have 2 grown up children, and we have helped them with house deposits and weddings. I've been so pleased that we have been able to do that, it gave me real joy. We also pay every time we meet the kids for dinner, because we know we have more than they do.

Not sure these two things can be true at the same time.

Rage bait.

You are your SIL.

Yup. And ‘Boomer’ thrown in for dramatic effect.

Parents - boomer or otherwise - earned their own money and can spend their own money how they like.

People who expect help from their parents in the way of time or money are entitled CF's. If you want more money get a better job. If you want time do something different so your time works for you.

STOP sponging off other people and stop being a CF.

Your MIL sounds horrible. But then again, I think our generation (Gen X) have always known we'd have to help our own kids out. It wasn't like that with Boomers who had everything handed to them on a plate (at least, if middle class - free university, a strong jobs market, being able to walk into a good job, cheap housing, being able to support a household on one wage, final salary pensions) and just seemed to assume that's how it is for everyone. My own parents have never helped me out either, and kicked me out of home to fend for myself at 18, so that they could spend all their own money on trips to Malaga. They clearly love Malaga a lot more than me!

Now, weirdly, they seem to think I am rich, despite being a single mum on a very average wage. But it suits them to believe that.

I feel for your SIL. I don't think I could sit there and listen to my tight-arsed mother blathering on about her luxury trips and not at least make a few snarky comments.