Boomer parents who don't help their children

[hoarderofthedough]

I will preface this by saying that my own Boomer parents DID help me and my sibling, and I will be forever grateful. They were wonderful.

BUT.....my DH's mother, on the other hand is the opposite, and it's giving me the rage. I wondered whether anyone else had experienced similar?

She is super rich, and by that I mean a multi millionaire. She lives in a 6 bed mansion, has around 8 properties that she rents out, providing an income of circa £10k a month, and she lavishes it ALL on herself and her boyfriend.

Her daughter (my SIL) lives in a tiny house in an awful (dangerous) part of town, and doesn't have a pot to piss in. Scrimping and saving, not able to put the heating on in winter, no treats ever - and all the while MIL is jet setting to exotic holidays, always in business class....with not one thought for her DD and grandkids welfare.

On the rare occasions we meet up for a meal, MIL will let DH and SIL pay. Or at best the bill will be split - but never are we treated with her paying. However, she is very happy to treat her boyfriend to lots of things.

She's almost 80 now, and still has no thoughts of gifting money to avoid inheritance tax.

Anyone else experience this? I find it truly baffling, because if I was in her position I would be filtering down money to my adult kids regularly.

That’s just a mean and horrible
parent

I'm a much reviled boomer, selfish thick and greedy, I should be euthenised for my crimes against subsequent generations! Or maybe people are just people, individuals who live life according to how they think and feel.

It’s rage bait.

She sounds selfish and very unkind. But that still doesn't make you or your SIL entitled to one bean of her money.

With that kind of wealth I don't understand why she wouldn't willingly help her children . Or maybe she has valid reasons that you don't know about . SIL may be living with the consequences of her choices . Maybe MIL doesn't feel that she should be a bailout .

Unless her children are drug addicts or have made mistake after mistake wasting money I think it’s sad she wouldn’t help her kids out.

While my Dad can’t afford to give us kids a lump sum of money he’s very much wanting to ensure that he has his house to leave to us. I keep having to tell him to stop thinking about us and inheritance and just worry about yourself. And he might let me buy him a cup of coffee but would never let me pay for my own meal when with him and especially not his own.

Personally no, I couldn’t be like that. I’m just an ordinary person but I help my kids out and I’m very happy to. And yes, it’s her money to do what she wants blah blah, but not in a million years could I behave like her.

We have 2 grown up children, and we have helped them with house deposits and weddings. I've been so pleased that we have been able to do that, it gave me real joy. We also pay every time we meet the kids for dinner, because we know we have more than they do.

MIL is obviously not of this ilk. Quite funny actually, the last time we met for lunch, in a relatively cheap place, MIL got her card out at the end and said "I'm only paying my own!!".....bizarre given that she's never ever paid for ours! 😂 Then she proceeded to tell us about her latest lavish purchase that cost a small fortune and the uber expensive holidays coming up. You can't tell me that wouldn't rankle just a little, when SIL is literally counting pennies. And yes, SIL was there (she says nothing of course, except for all the right things).

It’s not what I would do. I struggle to relate to that type of mentality. However, technically it’s her money to spend how she wants. Technically, I can also think that’s a bit crap.

I also think using “boomer” is a bit crap though and appreciate your update.

All 'boomers' aren't rich, despite the popular opinion.
I am 71, widowed, and live on my (earned) state pension and a small private pension. I am lucky enough (we worked hard enough) to own a modest semi with no mortgage.
Some people (not just boomers) are rich, some not, some help their children and some don't. Nothing to do with being of a certain generation.

To be honest I could swear I’ve read this on here before.

Mil is only just a boomer by the skin of her teeth too - she’s 80.

Or indeed just "rich parents"?

This. The boomer thing is unfair a lot of the time (I'm not a boomer!).

Selfish parents are selfish parents no matter the generation they come from.

Well you've explained Why yourself OP - she Just Doesn't Care.

This is just one awful individual. Nothing to do with "boomer" or any other stigmatised generation.

She's just a cunt.

I’ve lost count of the number of threads I’ve seen started specifically to berate boomers. I’m one and so was my late DH - not a millionaire, not hoarding money or assets, just did the best we could in the economic climate of the time.

This is one woman. Not all women, or all parents, or all 'Boomer' parents.

I agree with you and it isn't how I would behave - but she is and there's nothing you can do about it.

My DC are very young and I cannot for one minute imagine when they are older I would choose to go on an expensive holiday knowing they can't turn on the heating in winter!!!

It does not sound like SIL is entitled or lazy. She works and has young children.

Not to the same extent at all but I hear stuff from my MIL along the lines of 'well we had to scrimp and save to get by when we started out' which is partly true. She had a substantial enough inheritance from an uncle.

Yes they absolutely did have to save and work hard for what they have but MIL was a SAHM. FIL had a 'middle management' type job. When I try to say that the same house in the same area with the same type of job would just not be possible on 1 salary she doesn't believe me. I have told her in % wise how much it has increased e.g. the house in 1980 was 4x FILs wage. That same house is now 12x FIL wage. She just thinks people need to save harder. Or that rent is outrageous now. In my tiny Irish midlands town 12yrs ago it was €450 to rent a 3 bed semi-d. That same house is now €1250 per month

She is right in thinking people have more 'things' these days that cost a lot of money, but still can't seem to see that there is a huge housing crisis.

I've read this exact scenario so many times on MN 🤔

And as she's such an awful selfish person why the fuck are you meeting up with her?

Why don't you tell her what you think of her - or are you thinking about The Will?

A relative's FIL is kind of like this - has millions but doesn't spend any of it. Always splits bills at meals. His wife (not their MIL) is very keen for him to spend nothing on them and complains about his splitting bills even

My parents were never like this, even though they are far less well off

These people are all silent generation, not boomers

Then stop hanging out with her.

You're not a hero for helping your children and she's not a villain, either.

Whilst she doesn’t have to help her children out I do find it odd she wouldn’t want to. I couldn’t see my children suffering whilst I had plenty.

You can’t change other people’s behaviour though, only your own. Stop taking her out for lunch if she won’t take her turn in paying.

I think it's maybe down to character rather than age? My husband and I (aged 62 and 70) have given loads to our kids for houses/cars/uni etc but find it hard to know how much we will need for future care. One of our mothers is quite generous and given away lots (partly to avoid inheritance tax) which we have again passed forward to our kids, whilst one of our siblings has kept it for themselves as they are hopeless with money. The other mother has passed on very little (despite being 94) as another sibling has told her she might need it for care in spite of the fact she lives with that sibling who has said she will never let her go into care! So I think personality and psychology play an important part, not just age.

Why is SIL just counting pennies? You and your husband are wealthy enough to have helped out your own children with substantial financial assistance, and SIL is his sister. She must have started life with the same advantages. What went wrong for her?

Perhaps your MIL wants to be wanted for something more than her money. Maybe she had a shit life and now she's making it up to herself. Maybe she knows her family is only interested in their inheritance and has decided to live it up while she's still here. Maybe she's horrible selfish person. Maybe she's decided to put herself first for once in her life. Maybe your SIL is really bad with money and MIL feels her daughter needs to dig herself out of this hole by herself. Who knows?