Boomer parents who don't help their children

[hoarderofthedough]

I will preface this by saying that my own Boomer parents DID help me and my sibling, and I will be forever grateful. They were wonderful.

BUT.....my DH's mother, on the other hand is the opposite, and it's giving me the rage. I wondered whether anyone else had experienced similar?

She is super rich, and by that I mean a multi millionaire. She lives in a 6 bed mansion, has around 8 properties that she rents out, providing an income of circa £10k a month, and she lavishes it ALL on herself and her boyfriend.

Her daughter (my SIL) lives in a tiny house in an awful (dangerous) part of town, and doesn't have a pot to piss in. Scrimping and saving, not able to put the heating on in winter, no treats ever - and all the while MIL is jet setting to exotic holidays, always in business class....with not one thought for her DD and grandkids welfare.

On the rare occasions we meet up for a meal, MIL will let DH and SIL pay. Or at best the bill will be split - but never are we treated with her paying. However, she is very happy to treat her boyfriend to lots of things.

She's almost 80 now, and still has no thoughts of gifting money to avoid inheritance tax.

Anyone else experience this? I find it truly baffling, because if I was in her position I would be filtering down money to my adult kids regularly.

It is quite unusual for a parent to not want to help their child if they are so well off. Could it be that SIL has made poor choices and MIL doesn’t approve?! Could it be that MIL feels she gave SIL the opportunities to make a career for herself but she didn’t make any use of it.

I have a friend who makes terrible financial decisions, he has £12K debt. His parents are no more. His only living relative is an uncle who is worth £600K. My friend helped his Uncle with the sale of his home. The uncle lives in a care home now. My friend has POA for his Uncle. Last week the Uncle told him once he dies my friend will get a small amount, about £10K and all the rest of the money is going to a tree planting charity. The Uncle was pretty rude and said he thought my friend had always made poor financial decisions and he was not going to help him. When asked whether he would consider leaving his grand niece something, the Uncle said he didn’t really know the child so would be leaving her nothing. So you can’t really control what ppl do with their money. Hope your MiL leaves SIL something eventually but she could just give it all to the boyfriend or a charity.

I used to think this. Now I think I will help my DC if I judge they are hardworking and not CFs.

Both are, actually.

Literally came to say this.

The kids should be grateful that they will one day see part of those millions in inheritance, and in the meantime be working out how to stand on their own two feet and build the life they want without sponging off anyone else.

She inherited a business and house herself? I suspect it has nothing to do with her being a boomer and everything to do with her being a bit of a cunt.

Why do you assume people born between 1946 and 1964 have similar personality traits? How bizarre.

Are people born 18 years before or after you the same as you?

This for me. It is their money. They can do what they want. DPs mum is like this. She is absolutely minted yet wouldnt give DP or his sister a dime to help. When she visits she demands a meal out on us.

Ive stopped it. Ive told her when she visits I will cook. Its not that I begrudge treating someone, I am pretty generous and do always foot the bill in those situations but I will not have someone demanding it.

Again, she can do what she wants with her money but if it was me I couldn't sit back and watch DS struggle ever.

Now that the OP has been outed, I am still appalled by the amount of grown adults who think that they are entitled to others money and make excuses for why someone has and they have not.

I am embarrassed to be a part of my own generation. What did you do with your youth that you begrudge your parents? Were you sat on your arses playing Sonic the Hedgehog all day and hoping your parents would die so you could upgrade your console?

The market was easy for them....they had different things going for them....bleah, bleah.

The housing market crash in the 70s didn't happen, I guess. Our parents or grandparents had no hardships, I guess. They were all born from the Royal Family and we're all Prince Harry. The Spare but not the Heir.

It's so cringe.

OP posted in 2024 - and on that occasion the selfish Boomer was her own mother, and herself and her DH were the ones on the bones of their arse, not being able to afford Christmas gifts and couldn’t put the heating on in the winter. OP said in that thread that she was 56, so would be around 58 now.

I think it's fair to say this is a specific generational trait even if you don't like the term boomer.

You might think it's "all parents" doing it but the current cohort of parents who have kids in their 30s are boomers. This is an age where life is very expensive, you've got young kids, a big new mortgage, working hard at work, probably also student loans. An injection of money at this point could, for example, mean the difference between affording 2 kids or 3. Or being able to have mum home with the kids or working part time while they're young, picking them up from school instead of sending 5yos to ASC until 6pm. It's a huge quality of life changer.

In previous generations helping your children was the default. The specific generation we're talking about is one which highly values independence as a sign of good character and as a trait which will set one up for success, probably because those things did set one up for success in the 80s/90s when they had young kids.

(My own parents have helped me out to the extent they've been able, this isn't coming from a place of bitterness.)

This. Absolutely.

I think by boomer it’s relevant and refers to an age of propel who could raise kids on one income, buy a house on 3x a salary and generally live better.

op, Mumsnet seems to hate parents supporting or helping their adults kids but I don’t. I think your MIL is shocking.

Nobody is entitled to another person's money. End of conversation.

Yeah, that wasn't me. Sounds very similar though, although the ages are a bit off.

Those twats who like to throw agist boomer comments should get fuck all from their parents. It's as bad as those who use karen as an insult.

This

This seems to me to be a bit of a white and western attitude (maybe just in the UK), this not caring for other family members. When you look at how Indian, Pakistani and Chinese families, for example, stick together and support each other (not saying it is always a good thing), and try to pass on wealth down the generations, and it’s not hard to see how fragmented many white families in the UK are in comparison.

The attitude from many on this forum seems to be that once children are 18, they should have no expectations of help (financial or otherwise), support, accommodation etc, and doing so is ‘grabby’. I think it’s so sad, how can an extremely wealthy parent see their children struggling and not want to help, something has gone really wrong in White British culture and we’d benefit from being a bit more like other ethnic groups we have here in this regard.

Am white British myself, for context.

I am a "boomer", the so-called generation has nothing to do with it. There are people with different views on money and the sharing of it in every "generation". I, for example, fully supported my stepchildren for nearly 20 years (because they were people who were very much deserving of the kind of education their mother could never have paid for), and now they have graduated from university I fully support my parents (because they have been useless with money all their lives and in their 80s have literally nothing to their name, not even pensions). I have friends and colleagues the same age as me who would never have contemplated doing either of those things. I also know many younger people who have been very generous with other members of their family.

Yes @LoveItaly I totally agree (I am also white British).

Because the children of those families continue the work ethic which would mean they are contributing to the family wealth. They're not at Spoons crying in their all you can eat platter about why mum didn't pay for their refill.

Of course it is unreasonable to watch your child going without while you are living in luxury. If my adult child couldn't afford to put the heating on, of course I'd be bunging them the odd cheque and picking up the bill when eating out. I'm so grateful my family are generous to each other.

I don't think her selfishness is a specific "boomer" behaviour, and the boyfriend has got nothing to do with it really. Selfish adults just make selfish parents. I wonder who will inherit when she dies and/or whether there will be a late-in-life wedding.

So why is it her daughter hasnt a pot to piss in? Has her own lifestyle contributed to it? Does she work? Could she find a way to better herself without expecting handouts?

I agree with you. I gift money toy DC at every opportunity. I pay them and allowance every month out of surplus income, I gift £3k per annum. I gifted deposits, I paid for eldest DS to do HGV lorry training and test so he could get a decent job, I helped DD out with DGC nursery fees so she could work because I live too far away to be able to look after DGC myself. I do go 200 miles to care for a DC if one of them was sick and couldn't go to nursery. I pay for family holidays for whichever of my DC and DGC want to come. I pay for Xmas activities for DGC like ice skating and painting a Xmas bauble. I send ice cream money to DGC. I give generous birthday and Xmas money to DC and DGC. I often find other reasons to send money like if a car fails an MOT etc. As I get older I pass more money on to DC. I have 13 BTL houses and one is almost mortgage free. As soon as the mortgage is paid off I am gifting it to DGS's. I am in fortunate position to have more incomings than I need to live on each month so rather than just stuff it in the bank I pass it along to DC as monthly allowance. I'd far rather pass money on now and see DC and DGC get enjoyment from it than huge amounts goes into inheritance tax. I have a holiday home in France and they can use that free of charge whenever they wish too and as it has 7 bedrooms they can take friends with them as well. I think your mil sounds mean.

I agree.

My family don't have a lot of money, but now we are all older we siblings are doing OK for ourselves. My family would give you the shirt off their back.

I remember my MIL crying because my DH asked her to contribute a small token amount to our wedding. For 3 decades I've heard her saying she has no money, and that they cannot afford to buy a coffee when out. I have never seen them help my DH ever.

Then they retired, brought themselves a villa overseas, and go on 6 holidays a year.

Why does MNHQ tolerate this sort of behaviour? Posters give advice in good faith, but are having their time wasted.

I think it's more that, when I look at my parents (I'm in my 30s, they're in their 60s) they grew up in a time period where the way to get through challenges was to be independent. For example they both moved away from their hometowns to a larger city for work. They lived in lodging houses for very cheap rent, but they were quite safe as the landlady would simply throw out drunks the first day they stumbled in, etc etc. Their parents' trades/industries were dying and it was irrelevant to try to copy them. Their peers who tried are still stuck on benefits at home.

So it's fully understandable.

But compare to my generation - renting a room in an HMO feels very dangerous, a room in a flat share in a vaguely safe part of London is £1000, salaries and house prices have diverged massively so that the only people I know buying houses are either getting 5- or 6-figure deposits gifted or are investment banker types who even then had to wait until their 30s to save up. Student loans eat up hundreds of pounds a month. The graduate employment premium is low; peers who stayed at home in mid-sized towns and have grandparents around to do childcare now seem like the ones who got it right.

What worked for one generation isn't necessarily right for the next.