Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

[Richparentpoorchild]

I’d be very interested to hear what people make of this. My Mum is worth a few million quid. My husband and I, and our children are on the breadline and have been for at least 15 years.

We have no extra money for treats or holidays or anything nice. At Christmas, I sell things on eBay to make some money, so that I can buy family members Christmas presents. We never put the heating on because we just can’t afford it.

My Mum on the other hand, has several luxury holidays a year, always flying business class. She lives in a huge mansion and wants for nothing. I think at the last count she had eight properties. Some of these were gifted to her, from her rich parents.

I know that I don’t need to ask this really, because I know that it’s weird that she doesn’t offer any help to me, but what does everybody make of this?

I am now 56 years old, and she is almost 80. She is fighting fit healthwise and all of the women in the family live until about 100 years old, so whilst I will inherit, I will most likely be in my 70s at that time, which is not really when I’m going to need the money .

If it was you, in her position, do you think you would do something now to help me? I am on the bones of my arse.

we go out for lunch now and then and she never treats me, I always have to pay my half.

She has a boyfriend who she treats a lot,

This.

By selling stuff at Christmas she doesn't realise you've struggled - this year give her homemade gifts and let her know why. Next time you are invited out for lunch tell her you can't afford it and invite her for lunch at your home. When she comes round and asks why your house is cold - explain. Some people need things spelling out for them. If you've been doing your best to mask your situation she may not even realise.

I had a feeling the op wouldn't be back...

Why are you on the breadline? Maybe she questions how you treat money.

Personally if I was making millions, my kids would have also been living very comfortably. Not a chance in the world I would be treating my boyfriend knowing that my child and my grandkids are struggling to make ends meet. Have you asked why she won't help you ? Is there more to the story that we don't know ?

I find situations like this odd too, we always help our adult DS if they needed it? Has your mum ever helped you financially in the past? Do you tell her that you are in financial difficulty? If so what does she say? Have you asked her for help? I hope your financial situation improves soon for you.

Maybe this was the situation and the rich mum decided to put boundaries in place and turn the tap off. We have friends paying rent for their kids into their late 20's and then they pay for a deposit for the first house thinking that will be the end but sometimes it never stops - feeling like you are just a bank account to your kids can be quite upsetting. The dynamics in the relationship can feel like take, take, take. Boundaries need to be put in place, if this is a genuine post I'd be very curious to understand what the back story is.

Yes, it's really odd.

We are not millionaires but we still help our kids out. We've given them both some money for a house deposit and often give them cash gifts/pay for holidays with us/meals out.

Have you ever asked her for financial help?

If she inherited this immense wealth and mansion(!) from her parents, your grandparents, what is the story about why they didn’t include you in the inheritance. And why have you been on the bones of your arse for 15 years? Lazy or waiting for the inheritance?

Sorry OP, it was the thought of someone thinking selling Christmas crap on Facebook would ever change their financial situation has made me raise my eyebrows, no, getting another job, or two other jobs will help, but selling tree decorations made of beer bottle tops won’t ever improve the bank balance.

When did MN get so nasty that this is the first response?

If a lot of her wealth was from her own rich parents, YANBU OP. The way I see it, if you got help from your parents you are duty bound to pass it onto your kids. Both DH and I had uni & expenses paid for, and got a hefty amount for a house deposit; and we will do the same for our children in turn. If you don't you are just taking without giving, and screwing over your family line.

I don't know the history, or why the situation is as it is, but no, there is absolutely no way I would run my life like this. I'd have sold off a couple of properties and provided my adult child a house and cash, but that's just me. I want my kids to work for their own money but I also know not everyone can get to a financially comfortable position. It's isn't all about hard work. I'm already getting ducks in a row and working my arse off, not only for me, but in case my kids do need the kind of help you talk about. I actually want to massively help my kids with housing.

Once the OP does not return you can assume journo or does not want to answers questions which might shed more light

It depends on why you're poor. Is there a drink, drug, gambling, workshy problem?

My sister's inlaws are wealthy and they started out giving money to them but they blew through it like water on nothing. Her husband, their son, was a flake who didn't work half the time. So they stopped giving them anything.

Especially in an election year when capturing screenshots and finger pointing between groups is easier than producing actual policy.

Yes I agree with you OP. I’ve been fortunate to be helped a lot by my lovely parents and have every intention of paying it forward to my children as soon as I can. My partner agrees completely.
For me, it’s about what money is for- if it’s not making the lives of you and the ones you love easier and better then what is the point?

you know why i think this is weird ... because its going to be yours someday anyway, why WOULDNT you give one of your kids one of the many properties you have or some money every month if its not needed by you. this is very odd in my opinion.

Definitely more info needed. Does she have an narcissistic personality disorder? I never knew about this until I lived beside a wicked woman. This woman never had her own child but got custody of her sister's child evidently when she was angered she never had her own and I was told that it was a ploy for sympathy. Then somehow she managed to inherit everything from property to a luxury vehicle from her UNCLE who had a wife and children who got nothing. She made my life a living hell trying to make my child and I move because she turned her property into short term holiday rentals - she had constant noise complaints because of parties and violence. I tried to talk to her about an issue that was disturbing my child so like a rabid dog she went after me deciding it must've been me calling the police about parties (it wasn't). She had seamstress business on her own. And had a property on her own before the inheritance. Long story short she gave strangers the impression she was a sweet lady. From talking to neighbours and her former friends after she had the big inheritance she just exploded in greed - the more she got, the more she wanted to build her 'empire'. I ended up having to get a lawyer involved because she committed a crime against me in her efforts to get me to move - and we discovered she had lawsuit after lawsuit against from the family that didn't get the inheritance, from people she harassed, she'd sued countless times for injury, she had a restraining orders put on her and then kept trying to get restraining orders on anyone that pissed her off (her attorney told me he is scared of her so he files whatever she wants). And she gets off on taking people to court because her lawyer friend doesn't charge her but she assumes anyone else will have to pay a lawyer. She was taking maximum equity out of her properties to buy other properties - she paid next to nothing on property tax on a million dollar property because it was inherited. During lockdown she got plastic surgery done and was desperately trying to find love with all her money. She was apparently never very attractive and found more friends as she got wealthier. I write all this drama because my suspicion from this experience is that there be more to the story that your MUM is not telling you! You're not improving her image by being on the breadline.

ALTHOUGH
it could just be complete obliviousness as some rich people are. they dont realise how much people struggle, they think when people say theyre so poor that they still have a few grand in there bank they just cant afford 5 star, sort of thing. I would have an honest conversation but then me and my mum can talk about anything to eachother.

I don't think it's necessarily odd at all.

It very much depends on why the OP is broke.

Lots of people make dreadful choices with their money and then repeat those mistakes over and over.

Lots of people have addictions which takes all their money as soon as they get it

I know more than one person who has simply refused ever to get a job because they don't 'feel it suits them'

Without any information about why the OP is so broke, it's impossible to say.
A parent shouldn't be expected to pay for their children forever.

What was your childhood like? Did your grandparents make provision for their DGC (ie you?)?

your description of your mother and "her parents " sounds very arms length. Were you not brought up by her?

I always get suspicious of new threads on a controversial subject get started at night and the OP doesn't come back and engage with their public.

That's a very judgemental attitude to have. Let's all assume that everyone who is struggling financially are lazy, alcoholic, drug addicts shall we. Some people really are clueless.

@Neveralonewithaclone , indeed we are not. We both left school at sixteen and saved from our very fist pay packet. We didn’t go on holiday or spend much of our wages and were able to buy our first house when I was eighteen. We carried on saving and started our own business when I was twenty six. The rest is a tale of extremely hard work, few (but very nice) holidays, continuing investing rather than spending. My husband inherited not a penny and in fact had to pay towards his father’s funeral, I asked my father to share what he planned to leave to me with my boys and I did at that stage inherit but that money has not greatly altered our overall estate. Sorry to disappoint you.

Is it me or are there a lot of rich parents, poor kids posts around lately?

On one hand, OP, it's her money and her choice. You don't have a right to it. However, I can't imagine sitting on millions and not having set my children up well if I really had that much.

I think we'd have to hear from the mother on this one. There are many reasons where it would be understandable that she isn't helping at this point.