AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

[vhydr]

Long one, sorry.

Back in March I found out my husband was having an affair with a much younger colleague. 26 years together. I was devastated, still am honestly. We have four kids my eldest is a son, 20, then a son, 19, then a daughter, 17, and my youngest, a daughter, 15. I moved out with the younger three. My eldest son chose to stay with his dad.

I never wanted my kids to pick sides. But I won't lie, it stung. I expected a bit of loyalty, not because he owes me anything as his mother, but because his dad cheated on me and lied to my face for who knows how long. My eldest told me I was "breaking up the family" by leaving. That one really got me.

My other son and both daughters are angry at their dad too, but they came with me and we've been doing okay. Therapy, lots of time together, dinners, days out. Financially we're fine, both high earners, so at least that's not a factor.
My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.

Then my younger daughter graduated last month and she chose not to invite her eldest brother, she invited their dad instead. He was hurt, said something angry to her, it turned into a whole sibling blowup, his brother and sister ganged up on him. It's been tense since.

He's told me he doesn't think he'll ever be okay if I date or remarry one day. Says he wants nothing to do with a "blended family." I'm not seeing anyone, not looking to either, but that's clearly already a fault line with him.

Last week I took my younger son and two daughters away for the summer, posted a few photos. He saw them and texted "you could have invited me mama, but it's okay, I'm not your son anymore because your actions are making sure of that. I feel like I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider."

That gutted me. He's still my son and I love him. But he's also an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family, and I didn't think to include him this time given where things stand with his sisters.

So, AIBU?

Sounds like you resent your son for living with his dad. Perhaps you show him this through things like not asking him on holiday, etc. You are the parent, why not arrange to meet up for a coffee, just you two together & give him chance to vent, get it all out in the open. I think he is craving some quality time with you. Obviously you and your husband splitting up has hurt him deeply, more than he his letting on, and this comes out in anger towards you. Make time for each other, with no one else around, you both deserve each other. You want your son, and he desperately needs you, his mum.

Personally, I could never leave one of my children out, regardless of whether they chose to stay with their crappy dad, but I see why you did, with his strained relationships with his siblings, etc. Reading about his attitude toward you interests me, though, because from my point of view it's showing signs of that ncel type "women are to blame" attitude. He seems to blame you. I hope he is telling his dad that he can never date anyone again, but something tells me he isn't. You also don't know what his dad tells him. He looks up to him, so maybe he believes whatever he says.

Sorry this has happened. I think you're being incredibly unfair though. You say you don't want your kids to pick sides and then you completely ignore him? The younger siblings are following your lead. Your poor poor son. You have no idea what his Dad may have told him and he probably saw him upset and felt sorry for him living alone. He's only 20. I think you have made some massive mistakes, hopefully he can forgive you and you can move past it.

Your son has said some really hurtful things to you but I wouldn't expect any 19 or 20 year old child to understand your position or what you have been through if I was you. God knows I said some stupid and hurtful stuff when I was that age and I think even in middle age I might still struggle with either of my parents starting relationships with new people.

I'm not saying you have to suck it all up - by all means, tell him what he has said that hurt you but you're taking it to a whole other level by ignoring his attempts at repair. Repair after rupture is always the responsibility of the parent, however old they are and it is your job to repair here and I hope for your sake you do that. Maybe if you really listen to what he has to say and let him know how his words have hurt you, your relationship might actually be a whole lot better but punishing with coolness is not a good strategy in any relationship.

Anyone who knows anything about the manosphere will be able to see the red flags here.

And the women who fall over themselves to excuse this behaviour and this man's attitude are a huge part of the problem.

It's giving Boy Mom in the worst possible way.

What if you had still been at home and you had to choose who to live with knowing that it would upset the other parent?

But he's also an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family,

Do you think that he just couldn't be bothered to move?

Why didn't your husband move out?

I firmly agree with you on this.

He is an adult, albeit a young one. He is entitled to make a choice to maintain contact with his dad for whatever reason he chooses. His father’s romantic choices are not his choices so you need to stop punishing him. I understand why you didn’t take him away given that everything still seems raw and it would likely have ended in disaster but it seemss like you’ve been excluding him for longer than that.

I get that you’re hurt but you are taking this out on the wrong person. It sounds like you’ve intentionally excluded him and that’s not right. I find it interesting that you feel it’s ok to judge his feelings and actions but expect him to just accept yours. You can be upset and calmly tell him so but you love your children unconditionally. You do this in actions as much as words.

There are apparently no consequences for your daughter inviting her father to graduation - is this because she made the ‘right’ choice before to leave the home with you?

I had similar family dynamics growing up and it leaves a mark. You still have time to try and fix things. Please do whatever you need to do to be the bigger person here.

People keep responding as though the only thing he's done is stay living with his dad. His behaviour and language and attempts at controlling the OP afterwards are a much bigger problem. Why are so many posters completely ignoring that?

Second to last paragraph.

Because they are excusing him by claiming his brain isn't fully developed.

I have a 20 year old son who is autistic and is still emotionally mature enough not to behave in the way OP's son has.

The fact that his sister didn't want him at her graduation also speaks volumes.

Where there is nothing about Facebook or public posts.

19 is not a child So many women on this thread almost falling over backwards to defend this adult man who seems to be blaming his Mum for everything, including "breaking up the family" Not his Dad of course the one who actually had the affair. Not OP. Christ it's depressing

Ok :)

Yes, because all people handle things the exact same way.

He said inappropriate things in the heat of the moment, at an incredibly stressful time. For all we know he has also lashed out at his father.

The sister not being there could also speak of her knowing how her mother feels towards her brother, and not wanting to upset her.

I really don't understand why the 'cheating' Dad got invited to the graduation and not your eldest. Why is your son being punished for the transgressions of an adult, more than the adult is?

Regardless of what he did you, he's still his Dad and it's grossly unfair to punish him or the siblings to be 'anti' him as he didn't react in the way you wanted.

My bio father did awful things to my Mum but she has never uttered a word against him and we were always given a choice of who and where we wanted to live. My younger siblings had a relationship with him but my elder siblings and I didn't, as we were older and aware when things were going on but we never ever resented or treated the younger siblings badly because of it.

I think you desperately all need some kind of therapy with eldest. I'm sure you'd all be devastated if this impacted his mental health so badly he acted on these feelings of isolation from the family. He is not the one who cheated and broke the family!

Regardless of his age: you are the adult here! You are the one who needs to fix it.

I wouldn't have been happy with him either tbh.

He's 20, not 10. And he blamed OP, the victim in the marriage, for breaking up the family. No, his dad did that by having an affair.

And then he stayed with his dad while telling his mom he wouldn't accept her moving on from the marriage or entering into a new relationship ever.

I'm sorry, he's old enough to understand he doesn't get to blame her for his father's actions or resent her potential desire to move on someday and have a new relationship. He doesn't get to blame his siblings for being mad at his choices either.

I don't know what to suggest other than possible counselling .. but I suspect he won't be willing to acknowledge his choices and words have consequences, too.

Op hasn’t said that he hasn’t blamed his father, or that he is only blaming Op. We have no idea what he has or hasn’t said to him.

Sorry I know you're hurting but YABU. He's at a formative stage and has been hurt too, he feels left out and this could stay with him forever if you don't try to talk it through and repair your relationship.

This!

YABU when you seem to be using the sisters as an excuse to exclude him. You should have ignored his idiotic comments but not ghosted him. It's rather tragic that in his wanting to play a happy family his father blew up, he lost the "real" family ie siblings as well.

However, OP reads as if whenever there's contact the eldest tells you OP what do to. Is it possible he's been tasked by his father to ask you to go back or sth similarly crazy?

Do his siblings keep in touch with him even a little? The younger brother?

Most importantly, why the hell does he think men are allowed to have affairs and women should not even date after the relationship ended through no fault of their own? Why does he think he can order you to stay?

Would he demand same of his sisters if they wanted to leave their future husbands? Would he demand they marry before having kids? Is his opinion ideologically/religiously/psychologically motivated essentially..

You are forgetting that your “adult” son is only 20. Brains do not properly mature until around 24 and he is cleat struggling with his life being upended just as much as yours has been. None of this is of his making either. You were wrong to leave him out of the holiday, and it’s up to you to build bridges. One day, you will be over the separation from your husband, but your son will always be your son and you need to protect that carefully. I really feel for him, to lose his family unit and then be punished really for his reaction

They clearly enable behaviour that shouldn’t be excused.

And it’s almost darkly comic when some mothers insist they never imagined their sons hurting anyone.

That kind of denial is part of the problem.

Absolutely this. Your DS didn't cheat on you your DH did. You are punishing your DS because he wanted to live with his Dad. You need to stop doing this. In your position I'd be ringing eldest DS and begging his forgiveness for not inviting him on holiday and going quiet on him when he reached out to you. If you don't do this he might not reach out again to you. Do you want to lose your eldest DS? You are going the right way to do so.