AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

[vhydr]

Long one, sorry.

Back in March I found out my husband was having an affair with a much younger colleague. 26 years together. I was devastated, still am honestly. We have four kids my eldest is a son, 20, then a son, 19, then a daughter, 17, and my youngest, a daughter, 15. I moved out with the younger three. My eldest son chose to stay with his dad.

I never wanted my kids to pick sides. But I won't lie, it stung. I expected a bit of loyalty, not because he owes me anything as his mother, but because his dad cheated on me and lied to my face for who knows how long. My eldest told me I was "breaking up the family" by leaving. That one really got me.

My other son and both daughters are angry at their dad too, but they came with me and we've been doing okay. Therapy, lots of time together, dinners, days out. Financially we're fine, both high earners, so at least that's not a factor.
My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.

Then my younger daughter graduated last month and she chose not to invite her eldest brother, she invited their dad instead. He was hurt, said something angry to her, it turned into a whole sibling blowup, his brother and sister ganged up on him. It's been tense since.

He's told me he doesn't think he'll ever be okay if I date or remarry one day. Says he wants nothing to do with a "blended family." I'm not seeing anyone, not looking to either, but that's clearly already a fault line with him.

Last week I took my younger son and two daughters away for the summer, posted a few photos. He saw them and texted "you could have invited me mama, but it's okay, I'm not your son anymore because your actions are making sure of that. I feel like I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider."

That gutted me. He's still my son and I love him. But he's also an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family, and I didn't think to include him this time given where things stand with his sisters.

So, AIBU?

I think the trouble is, she has said so little, that some people believe he is basically a raving INCEL, others haven't interpreted it in the same way so can't see why others think it's fine for her to effectively ignore her son -

It's all down to different interpretations of a comparatively short, quite vague post. I think.

Yeah but he’s chatting shit. He might be 20 but he’s a kid really in a difficult position.

The op should sit tight. Keep schtum and just try to maintain a relationship with her son. Until all the dust has settled and everyone is less raw.

All this excluding and detachment is really stupid. Really stupid.

From his point of view I think it sounds like he was forced to choose between you and his Dad, and then you ignored him for ages, then excluded him from any major events with you or his siblings. I think it's easy to imagine how this would upset anyone.

What was his relationship like with you, his siblings and Dad beforehand?

My sibling took my Dad's side after his affair, which of course hurt my Mum. But they'd always been closer to their Dad and had a difficult relationship with Mum. Both parents always included both of us in holiday plans and special occasions though, until we had homes of our own! I think not to is very unreasonable.

The affair isn't his fault. I think you and the other children need to apologise and work to include him. Being the spurned partner and being Right surely matters less than your relationship with him?

He doesn't get to decide if you have a future relationship. But it's early days. Parents divorcing is hard even if you a technically an adult yourself. His view on this may change in time.

👏👏👏. About time someone tells it like it is.

Nope, she’s reacting to the way he has behaved. Which is appalling.

You knew he was hurt by the break up of your marriage. You have hurt him further by holidaying with his siblings. As a family, you all need counselling before you lose your son for good.
While he is 19, in terms of life experiences he is very young. No good taking out your anger at your husband's betrayal on your son. You need to try to build bridges with your son.

I echo your thoughts.

A grown man wishing to blame his own mother just because Daddy couldn't get his phallus inside his pants.

Yes, let's infantilise an adult and accept his misogyny.

Getting pretty unhinged there.

The OP wasn't deliberately excluding and detaching herself. She "went quiet on him for a bit" because she felt really raw, but we don't know how long for or whether she has been in touch with him more since that period.

She also said that she didn't think to take him with her on this trip - presumably because he is an adult, he has chosen not to live with them and he had had a massive fallout with all of his siblings. Perhaps she should have asked him if he wanted to go, but perhaps she just assumed that he wouldn't.

It isn't clear from her post that there has been any deliberate intention to cut him off.

As for "chatting shit", I'm amazed that so many people have such low standards for their kids that they think it is ok for adult children to hit out at their parents like this at moments when their parents are at their lowest ebb. Would I cut my child off for having said something like this? Absolutely not. But equally, I can't imagine my dc being so utterly insensitive either.

do not take out your feelings on your son or anyone else.

get counselling. your son deserves better from you.

Poor kid. Yes he’s said some daft things as he’s adjusting to everything, but to ghost him and then not invite him on the family holiday is bad crack.

There’s loads of reasons a 20 year old would want to live with his dad. Can’t be bothered to move, better sized bedroom, more lenient parent, wants a quieter house…it doesn’t mean he agrees with what the dad did to you.

Even in times of great distress? It’s not ok for people to talk rot? Especially young people? I expect you’ve always talked total sense all the time even in times of great stress.

What does he know? He’s never experienced this before.

And the op deliberately exclude him from the trip. She didn’t bother to ask him. Really mean of a fully grown adult. Really lame.

My dd might well say something unfair in a moment of extreme distress. But she would recognise instantly that it was unfair and apologise straight away. I don't get the sense that this is what happened with the OP's son? And no, for what it's worth, I don't actually think it's ok to say really hurtful shit to other people just because I happen to be upset myself. I'm surprised to hear that others think anything goes.

As for the trip, do all parents automatically invite their non-resident adult children on every trip that they ever go on? Would all non-resident adult children feel aggrieved if their parents went away without inviting them? Overall, I agree that it would have been better to ask him if he wanted to go, but under the circumstances, I can see why she didn't.

My DC have said some thoughtless things in their time. They have even, heavens above, lashed out verbally when upset or under stress. I’ve always tried to understand where it’s coming from as, to be fair, I would with my friends, colleagues and wider family. But I’ve never ignored or isolated them.

I’m bemused by the red flag misogyny that people are seeing. The OP has brought him up and he has two sisters - if he is angrily anti women, one wonders what was going on in the house before March. I think it much more likely that his world was falling apart, he was trying to make his mum and siblings stay put and he was expressing his very real fear of being displaced by a second family. No where does OP say he defended his father’s actions - his reasons for staying put in his own home were probably complex and again, OP doesn’t say where or what type of living situation he was being offered if he chose to go with her.

Anyway, it doesn’t look like OP is returning but I do hope some of these replies have made her think about her DS’s perspective and they can move forward.

Eh? Nobody has said anything goes. Nobody on this thread has said it’s ok what the eldest son has said. What a strange take.

What posters are in fact saying is that what the son has said is not to be taken all that seriously particularly at this dreadful time. When everyone is terribly hurt, is finding their way and or has been excluded and isolated.

Thanks to the marvelous father.

And posters are also saying that at this dreadful time, the op should not be going quiet on her son at all. Quite the opposite. And certainly not excluding him from trips regardless. She should try to be a port in a storm for all of her kids. Ofc she’s suffering too. That is the nature of the affair beast. To put everyone through the wringer.

But the op is the grown adult here and she is being cruel and distant to her son.

I wonder if the posters criticising the "grown adult son" have maintained the same level of maturity as they had at 19/20? Im nearly 40 and I'm pretty sure I have matured significantly and am probably an entirely different person now compared to me at 19!

Totally agree

Are you ok?

Whatever. He clearly blames his Mum for something that wasnt her fault and decided to stay with his Dad on this basis. I can't believe the people here making excuses for this grown man.

I don't think many people today truly think all 20 year olds living at home with their parents are grown women/men. Many are young adults with growing still to be done. The OP ignored his repeated attempts to reach out, took her other children on holiday and posted photos of it that he could see. Is that how grown-ups are supposed to behave?

It seems very strange to be openly punishing your child for not picking your side in the break-up. He shouldn't have to do that. You should be communicating with him surely - including pointing out the parts where he's being unfair and unrealistic - and trying to find a way to get your relationship and those between your children back on track?

It would be strange if that's what she was doing, but she's not.

The OP needed a break from her son, who was spewing vile filth.

A mother is not a doormat.

Bloody hell, aren't you a peach?

What do you disagree with?