AIBU to not invite my 20 year old son on a trip with his siblings?

[vhydr]

Long one, sorry.

Back in March I found out my husband was having an affair with a much younger colleague. 26 years together. I was devastated, still am honestly. We have four kids my eldest is a son, 20, then a son, 19, then a daughter, 17, and my youngest, a daughter, 15. I moved out with the younger three. My eldest son chose to stay with his dad.

I never wanted my kids to pick sides. But I won't lie, it stung. I expected a bit of loyalty, not because he owes me anything as his mother, but because his dad cheated on me and lied to my face for who knows how long. My eldest told me I was "breaking up the family" by leaving. That one really got me.

My other son and both daughters are angry at their dad too, but they came with me and we've been doing okay. Therapy, lots of time together, dinners, days out. Financially we're fine, both high earners, so at least that's not a factor.
My eldest tried reaching out a few times and I'll admit I went quiet on him for a bit. I wasn't ignoring him out of hate, I was just raw.

Then my younger daughter graduated last month and she chose not to invite her eldest brother, she invited their dad instead. He was hurt, said something angry to her, it turned into a whole sibling blowup, his brother and sister ganged up on him. It's been tense since.

He's told me he doesn't think he'll ever be okay if I date or remarry one day. Says he wants nothing to do with a "blended family." I'm not seeing anyone, not looking to either, but that's clearly already a fault line with him.

Last week I took my younger son and two daughters away for the summer, posted a few photos. He saw them and texted "you could have invited me mama, but it's okay, I'm not your son anymore because your actions are making sure of that. I feel like I have no family and everyone hates me, I'm the outsider."

That gutted me. He's still my son and I love him. But he's also an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family, and I didn't think to include him this time given where things stand with his sisters.

So, AIBU?

I don’t know what’s worse - that you purposely excluded 1 out of 4 children, or that you simply “didn’t think” to invite him.

Grow up, you’re the parent here. I think you’ve got a lot of apologising to do.

"spewing vile filth".

From OP post he lashed out at some point that his mum had broken up the family. Later he said he didn't want her to date. Both of these intemperate statements stem from hurt, fear, distress at his certainties in life being torn up. We have no idea what he has or has not said to his father on the subject as it is not recorded.

He also "reached out" to his mum on more than one occasion, which suggests olive branch or at least neutral attempts to get in touch, suggesting that he wanted to make amends.

The argument about the graduation was between he and his sister and other than him being hurt we have no idea what was said.

I don't think that counts as "spewing vile filth". I do not think it warranted his mother ignoring his attempts to get in touch, and I don't think it warranted being excluded from a family holiday.

I don't think cutting out your adult child because they said "hurty words" in a time of immense upheaval is proportionate or good parenting. I think it reflects extremely poorly on this mother. That doesn't mean being a "doormat". It's not cut them off or be meek and mild. Tell your son you won't be spoken to like that. Tell him it's hurtful. Making out there's no middle way is just ....ridiculous.

Have to agree to disagree there, I think telling any woman, never mind your Mum that it's her fault the family is getting "broken up" after her husband has had an affair and she's dealing with processing that is pretty vile actually.

Would you be pleased if your children blamed you for leaving your cheating partner?

Yes, and it's deeply hurtful.

Daddy can have an affair, but heaven forbid he's blamed for destroying the family. Let's blame mummy for this.

Oh, please. Male entitlement at its finest.

No. But I would understand that as the safest person I was being lashed out at.

I would talk to my kid, might even yell. I wouldn't cut him out.

No one is "pleased" with the fallout of the father's awful betrayal of his wife and children. Perhaps people here might have felt slightly less inclined to try to repeatedly present a different perspective of the OP's son to her were it not for the multiple posts calling a young person they've never met Andrew Tate, vile, controlling, misogynistic, narcissitic, incel, obsessed with "daddy's phallus" etc. etc in the direct aftermath of the collapse of his parent's marriage and the family set-up. You're not actually interested in helping the OP reconnect with her son. You've made that very clear. This is about your issues, not hers.

I think you've behaved terribly. Your ds is not to blame for his father's infidelity and it's horrible to punish him for maintaining a relationship with his df and staying living in the house that's familiar to him.

It's harmful to all your dc that you're requiring them to choose between their parents and siblings in this way.

You can be furious with your ex, he's a shit, but don't hurt your dc.

You’re right, ideally 20 year olds should not hit out at their parents even when they’re hurting. But the same logic applies equally, or in my view more, to parents not hitting out at hurt kids. When you “go quiet” ie ignore your hurt child that is not ok.

Your husbands affair isnt your kids problem. Yes it hurt you understandably but hes still their Dad. He cheated on you not them.
Imagine if your husband chose to ostracise the 3 children who chose to live with you.
You are causing the problems here by treating your eldest son differently because he chose to live with his Dad. That isnt him saying that he agrees with the affair.
You're upset but taking it out on the wrong person here. Your son is retaliating to your behaviour. You're distraught by son of the things hes said but hes distraught that youre excluding him. You're pushing him away. Sort your relationship out with your son before it's too late!

I think, when the OP said "He's still my son and I love him. But he's also an adult who chose to stay with the parent who broke this family" she is definitely punishing him for not picking her side. It's not the right way to go about things.

It’s not about having low standards for kids, it’s about having high standards for myself. What you, and others, seem to be saying is that being hurt isn’t an excuse for lacking care or thought for the 20 year old? So why is the (understandably) hurt mother given a freer pass? No one has behaved brilliantly, again understandably. But one person is fully mature and the parent and so should lead the efforts on reconciliation.

I think this feels harsh to me. You’ve said you don’t want your children to pick sides but as soon as he opted to stay with his dad you ‘went quiet on him’. He was experiencing a huge change and loss of family life, not longer living with both parents or with any of his siblings. Then to reach out to you and you not actively respond as you would have before the separation must have been painful for him. I think you should have tried to make the effort with him more, I know he is an adult but he’s still young and you’re the adult parent in this scenario. I also feel that by doing this you’re pushing him more towards his dad and fracturing your relationship with him.
taking his siblings away and sharing photos online must have been really hard for him to see. Yes there are some issues between siblings at the moment but is there any scope for you/their dad to support the sibling group to work through this together?
can you spend some real quality 1:1 time with him too?

I can’t quite get my head around your daughter inviting her dad to her graduation, the very reason for the divorce but not her brother? Why??? Did you go quiet on your daughter at this point or was all the blame directed again at your eldest son? Honestly, WTH OP. I can’t fathom why you are so mad at your eldest son in all of this? He is as much a victim as you are. Kids and young adults don’t have it all figured out and as such say some pretty silly things sometimes, but you are a fully grown adult so you need to behave like one in this situation & build your relationship with your eldest back again, if it’s not already damaged beyond repair…

Except it very much is. Giving him the silent treatment (surprised no mumsnetter has popped up to say this is abusive) and deliberately excluding him on a trip and posting photos about it?! Sounds like punishment to me. If it's not punishment, it's just plain awful behaviour.

I agree. Your son reached out to you and you rebuffed him, that’s shameful.

This is wrong.

He cheated on his wife but he also destroyed the family unit. Everything the children know.

They too are entitled to feel rage and hurt at his betrayal.

You isolated him and have allowed his siblings to gang up on him. That's awful..

Although he sounds misogynistic with the comments he has made he is probably also hurt and grieving. You should have actively been trying to repair the relationship between him and you and the other siblings. Instead you are punishing him for staying with his dad.

I think this is just a siblings spat, so in the sister’s POV that would be separate to inviting the father, who presumably she didn’t have an argument with.

But the spat is he sees his dad and that’s wrong so the sibs and op are shunning him.
but is ok for her to see dad, and Op isn’t shunning her?
poor lad, best out of this batshittery

Holy Lord

I haven’t diagnosed anyone with anything.

She’s definitely turned out to be the villain in this.

YANBU. He is a grown adult and he has behaved appallingly. I couldn’t imagine treating my mum like that if my dad cheated on her after 26 years of marriage. It’s not about ‘picking sides’ but the situation seems to be pretty black and white.