AIBU to expect DH to leave contact when I was hospitalised?

[Amioverreactinghmm]

I have been extremely unwell for the past 4 months and have been admitted to hospital for numerous blood transfusions. Im dizzy, sick and faint on a near daily basis, however I received my diagnosis yesterday and a plan is in place for my treatment going forward.

Quick backstory, my dh has a DD aged 15. He only found out about her at 6 yo and since then has fought tooth and nail to be in her life. The courts awarded him 4 hours contact (10-2) on a Saturday and Sunday every week at her aunt's house (mum's sister) as the mum refuses point blank to have any contact with my DH. She didn't want contact, it had to be forced and even then she was held in contempt for refusing a court order.

Anyway on Friday night I was really ill, sickness, temp etc. My DH left on the Saturday morning for his visit and I just got worst throughout the day. At 11.30ish I lost consciousness and my DD (20) panicked and called an ambulance and my DH.

My DH didn't leave, he stayed til his contract time was over and later as well as the sister allowed extra time as his DD was having a water fight with him in the garden so he didn't leave til 4 and didn't get to me in the hospital til the back of 5. I had to have another transfusion.

I feel he should of left when he got the call. He feels he barely gets time with his DD so will soak up every minute he gets. AIBU?

Charming.

He's definitely shagging the aunt!

Absolutely agree

It's actually quite upsetting to read some of the posts on this thread. Posters actually think it's reasonable behaviour for a husband just to ignore the fact his wife has been rushed to hospital unconscious. And he knows his wife has cancer! They think it's reasonable he prioritises playing ball with his DD?

What is the point of marriage if loving, and caring, and concern for your spouse doesn't exist?

Ordinarily in most situations no. but his contact with his daughter is not the norm. It’s a very specific situation where if he cuts contact short could jeopardise him seeing her at all. Did you just get diagnosed after this most recent episode, did he know that it was possible/likely you had a serious issue?

I think you are obviously scared and emotional at the moment, understably so, but that also means you are feeling more vulnerable and wanting him to prioritise you. I get that totally, i’ve been in your position and that feeling is totally understandable..but the thing is he also has to consider his child and his relationship with her and that is a really difficult spot for him. Did he choose incorrectly? possibly, but i’m sure he didn’t do it on purpose or to hurt you or becuase he doesn’t care about you, he just had to decide. If he’s normally kind and caring then try to let this one go as a tough choice for him.

I suspect he was between the devil and the deep blue sea. Had he left contact early, I'm betting her mother, who you clearly describe as completely unreasonable, would have made sure there was never any contact again.

It's poor. But do you think he's not coping well with your diagnosis?

Carry on as normal and it's not really happening mentally. It doesn't help you and doesn't mean you are not entitled to be pissed off with him.

It just might not be so straight forward as he doesn't care but you do need to talk (and he does need to step up)

Get off my thread. Imagine leaving laughing emojis.

How is she supposed to look after herself when she's unconscious?

His daughter was fine. His unconscious wife who has cancer was transported to the hospital by ambulance.

And some of you really think it was cool for him to stay away and for even longer than usual?

Just because OP has fainted before doesn't mean this time, when she wasn't rousable, thatjust could have been caused by something different that needed treatment. Cancer treatment can have some pretty devastating side effects and you have to be ready for anything anytime.

If he's burnt out, they need to discuss that. But she needs reliable support and he just showed he's not that.

I can see why he wanted to stay with his DD for the limited contact he has with her BUT I think he was out of order staying for an extra 2 hours over what is contact ordered on this particular occasion. Knowing his wife has been ambulanced into hospital and instead of leaving his DD at the usual 2pm, he decides to stay for another 2 hours to have a water fight? That to me was poor from him.

So, if say, you end up terminal (sorry to say), will he not be at your bedside if the end comes on a Saturday or Sunday between 10am - 2pm??

I'd not be happy with his lack of caring for your medical crisis, although I do understand his contact time is very important to him and his DD, surely she's old enough to understand that this was a medical emergency!

Are you sure his daughter is actually 15 and not a lot younger?

There's absolutely nothing going on between the aunt and my dh. Her DH and her mum (dsd gran) also lives there. If it wasn't for the aunt to step in and offer a place for contact I don't know what would of happened.
The aunt actually testified against her sister in the custody hearing as she is ashamed at how she uses her DD as a weapon.

I think, on balance, YABU. I am sorry you are unwell and it is a frightening time. I understand why you wanted him there.

I think it’s a slightly odd situation with his DD, including that after 9 years he is still on such limited visitation and you haven’t met her- which makes me think there may be a quite specific reasons for that- for example, SEND or specific difficulty/situation relating to her that has led to the situation. If so, I wonder if that was a factor in his decision making, alongside the fact that hid contact with her is very hard won and limited?

I think the situation probably led him to do a risk assessment- you have been unwell, but you know why (I assume, given your diagnosis) and it’s going to be an ongoing issue- he maybe thought it was just a slightly worse than usual episode- and knew you were being taken to a place where you would be assessed and treated. He may have thought that not he would not even have been allowed in with you immediate and so thought he was at more risk of jeopardising things with his DD than you coming to harm for to his delayed arrival at the hospital.

i know you have cancer- which is life threatening, obviously- but was this incident a case of imminent risk to your life? Or was it a case if being unwell to need an emergency admission and transfusion, but not thought to be immediately at risk? I’m not trying to be insensitive, but the distinction might have made the difference when it comes to decision making.

OP I like to think that some of the people responding haven’t fully grasped you have recently been diagnosed with cancer and were rushed to hospital via ambulance- which is not something which has happened before. You were unconscious and alone. Your husband who sees his daughter twice a week chose to stay with her rather than attend your medical emergency. Not only that he stayed longer than expected so as not to interrupt a game.

Of course it’s obvious he should have come straight to you to advocate for you if needed and for support. The fact he is now still not speaking to you is unfathomable. You deserve so much better from him and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

It sounds a really tough situation.

You're really unwell and it isn't unreasonable to discuss with your husband how to respond in different scenarios, and for him to discuss this with his daughter. She's 15. Hopefully she understands that at times things happen out of everybody's control that have to take priority. Does she know you're ill? Not details but that sometimes you have to go to hospital to get treatment and this is part of what's going on.

Yes, I get him wanting to spend time with his daughter after a rough few years but aren't her views going to be considered now?

Also he is your husband, did he even contact the hospital or speak to you to find out what was going on?

Yes, I was in the court room for the hearings and heard all about her. DH also takes photos every time and shows me what they get up too, how she is doing and I've heard her on the phone too. She sounds like a lovely girl, I'm eager to meet her but will obviously respect and go with her lead when she's ready.

I’m confused. She’s been in his life 8 years but you’ve never met her? She’s 15 and still having supervised contact after 8 years?

I’m not saying that - I was checking the DH’s understanding of the situation, given the message was conveyed to him by OP’s autistic DD. Was the message clear enough for him to understand the imminent risk?

I think it’s a learning curve, you need to let him know what’s an SOS and what’s ok.
Long term illness is a marathon, good luck x

Wow op, can't believe you're not talking...or rather he's not making every effort to make up with you. Quite disgraceful tbh. How is his relationship with your joint DD? I really hope you get through this 🙏 and feel much better soon 💐

I have autoimmune conditions & have in depth eye apts none last more than an hour think that is reasonable. As it was a flare they can lasts weeks & he wasn’t being carted off in a 🚑. Think an unconscious patient in a ambulance is a bit different.

Tbf my thought was is he having an affair because it’s such a bizarre situation. I’m racking my brains thinking of a single woman I know who would allow this for 8 years, never meeting their husbands child and I can’t think of anyone! OP to answer your question he absolutely should have left- with his daughter in tow to see how her stepmother was doing because she knows you and is worried about you! How has this been allowed to continue and how much longer will it continue?