I’ve been scammed and can’t get over it

[woohoofolks]

I was trusting and stupid. Bought something semi valuable and a collectors piece from a friend of a friend who lives in Scotland with no problems. He then contacted me to say he had a similar item and was I interested. It was a bit more pricey, £1000, and I decided it was worth it and gave him the go ahead to get it and transferred the money. He then went silent and blocked me. The bank say it’s a civil matter as do the police and to start a small claims against him, which I’m in the process of doing but hold out little hope of seeing my money again.

My friend feels awful but it isn’t her fault but I’m avoiding meeting up.

I feel so stupid and angry with myself and just can’t get over it. I lie awake thinking of him laughing at me. I have dreams of travelling to his door and doing something but I don’t know what.

Anyone any advice on how I come to terms with this? I’m by no means well off but the money I can earn back and replace. But it’s just eating me up. Aib

Gosh that's awful. A reminder that you're dealing with criminals.

OP lots of people get scammed, you feel very stupid, but also you were trusting of your friend. I took on a contractor via a friend who then scammed me. That's the way they get their business. So don't feel so bad, just learn from it.

I always use the idea of if something sounds too good to be true then it is likely to be a scam. I hope you get your money back though.

Your bank should be dealing with this if you're in the UK. They can claw back the money. Go back to them, Google their responsibilities under the law and tell them that in a call. Put it in writing. If no resolution ask them to put it in deadlock so you can go to the banking ombudsman. Then complain to the ombudsman.

Also report to the police.

I hope this gets resolved.

Did you pay by bank transfer? If si was it a business or friends/family transaction? There are usually scam warnings when you set up the payment which you have to override but you should still be covered by recent changes in rules.

I Wouldnt just let it go op!

Years ago i took part in an ad campaign - my photo was on a billboard and some bus stops and flyers - the man who took the photos was meant to pay me - he didn't and went quiet - i found out where he lived and went with my dad to his house - this was after many many emails and phone calls and him saying he had no money and couldn't pay me!

he had a lovely house and they were having loads of work done on it - they wouldn't answer the door - my dad waited and waited and eventually walked round to the back garden - said he's wait until they sorted payment - they did to get rid of us

obviosuly this is a bit risky and probably not advised as what you should do ! pretty sure what we did is trespassing - but anyway i don't care it worked

Sounds like you feel understandably angry at him, your friend and yourself for your own “stupidity”. Two weeks isn’t long so it makes sense it’s still so infuriating and feels hard to put aside. Plus you are in the midst of trying to sort this mess out, which is annoying as it’s another job you have to do and the outcome is uncertain - and it’s keeping the whole thing at the fore front.
I’d say:
do what you can to sort the finances (as you are doing). But then when you’ve done all you can, stop, whatever the outcome.
The friend must feel mortified and it’s really not their fault, so try and forgive and not be angry with them.
Try and forget about this idiot who did this. There are millions of scammers out there. Hopefully they are very unhappy and likely have a much worse life than you.
most importantly, accept that you are cross with yourself. However what you did was 100% reasonable given that it had a personal connection and you had an established transaction history with them. You can operate in this world as if you are about to be scammed at every turn. Please stop beating yourself up. It’ll be harder to move past this if you are feeling angry. Forgive yourself and be compassionate towards yourself.

The one thing I would point out is that the legal system in Scotland is totally different. We do not have CCJs for a start. Or bailiffs. Or Action Fraud.

I would contact the Police Station nearest to him, they might be willing to do something. It probably is too much work to do anything from Kent.

it’s not as simple as the banks being responsible. They’re not responsible if people pay money to others despite constant scam warnings all over their websites.

Unfortunately the bank and the police are correct that this is a civil matter as it’s not a case of being scammed over e.g. facebook etc you have a history with this person.

But I would be angry at the friend, what is she doing to confront her friend over this or is she in it as well? For the people saying to not blame the friend, I absolutely bloody would. Not for the fact she’s got scammers for friends but because she’s not confronted the bloke now he’s blocked the OP. She’s partly responsible for this IMO and if she’s not prepared to stand up to him I’d be wondering whether she’s in on the whole thing. Either way the friendship would be over as well.

Though from a psychological perspective, remaining angry for too long will perpetuate the inability to move past this. Keeping thoughts spiralling and emotions negative. Definitely not quite time to just accept and move on as they are in the middle of trying to get their money back. Definitely worthy of talking to friend about the connection and extracting all you can from the friend. But obviously the friend can’t do much other than trying to contact the perpetrator and ask what’s going on. It’s weird that it sounds like they haven’t even done that, but that’s probably just about all they could do. Ultimately, OP will need to accept and move on.

Call Police Scotland

I have a plan now but may come back to you

Are you speaking to English police or Scottish police because the law is different and I would suggest that you speak to the Scottish police and don't call it theft call it fraud. Because I think it falls under criminal remit as fraud.

Fraud-in-Scotland-4th-ed-July2020.pdf https://share.google/BSyZhbcIGoVDoi65p

Hi @woohoofolks, I had a similar situation, whereby I bought a very specific camera when I was a student and it was a scam. There was a lot of emotional fishing involved (they needed the money for their mum's funeral 🙄) and I was very negatively affected, both because I couldn't afford to lose the money and because it felt so awful and personal and like I had been violated. I went to the police and spent a huge amount of time trying to find out who they were. I have also had someone not pay for some work and took them to small claims.

Both situations really affected me mentally; like you I couldn't let it go and it kept me up for weeks. I spent a huge amount of time pursuing both, lots of legal research, chasing up police reports, seeking lots of advice, going down the small claims. In both cases I didn't get my money back. The police found the camera scammer but said it wasn't worth pursuing for the amount (£500). For the work I won the claim but ended up with them agreeing a payment plan of £5 a week (for £3000) and when they stopped paying after 5 weeks I was told it would be a long and difficult process to enforce and I couldn't face going through the process again.

My advice would be, if you can let the money go, to walk away. Otherwise it becomes all consuming, you may 'win' but it may cost you a huge amount of grief and stress. I completely understand that it is so hard to not want justice and make these awful people pay for their behaviour, but I would advise to think about how this impacts you specifically and what is in your long term interests. It absolutely sucks but there is no shame in priorotising your mental health. You will feel shit for a while and like they have won but in a month you probably won't be thinking about it, and you can put it down to experience and save yourself a lot of potential stress.

I think it's excellent advice to try the Scottish police local to this guy.

Good luck, OP, and please do update.

Even if you don't get the money, getting an order against someone does have consequences for them (especially if it wasn't a one-off) and will make their life difficult operationally in a number of ways. They might not be immediately observable to you, but it does matter. So, I think it's worth going through the steps here and seeing where you get to. A grand is nothing to be sniffed at, no one is suggesting you hire magic circle lawyers, there is a pathway which is affordable and not outrageously inconvenient.

The police amaze me at times.

Someone apparently deliberately tells you has something you might be interested in buying, you transfer the money, and then he disappears with it - that’s a crime, that needs investigating.

I get they don’t want to get involved with sale of goods disputes (which are genuinely civil matters) but this is more than that on the face of it - it’s deception.

A county court judgement is not a guarantee that you will get your money back. First they have to find him and rely on him having goods to remove.

Did you ever have any proof that the item existed in the first place (ie photos, a video call to examine)? This sounds like something sort of fraud and it's not a small amount. Also, if this is a big collector community get online on their socials and groups and get his name out there. Even if he isn't on social media he has connections to and knowledge of this world to be able to sell items. In addition, I'm sorry but your friend is not your friend. If anyone I was associated with did this, I'd be at the police station with you in a mad fury. You need to consider the possibility that they knew and helped.

An update! Can’t get through to Police Scotland but went back to my bank with the advice on here about APP and they are now investigating and sharing my data with his bank to try and recover it. Fingers crossed and a glimmer of hope. I stressed to the bank I’ve been a customer for 35 years with no issues so hopefully that counts for something. Also contacted a Dunoon facebook group who confirmed they didn’t have him as a member, contacted the Dunoon Argyll Scotland facebook group to join and explained my reason why. Waiting confirmation. Feeling more hopeful.

Well done @woohoofolks , hope you get some results

Did you transfer from your bank account or bay with a credit card? It sounds as though it was bank transfer, but just wanted to clarify.

Bank transfer

There’s also a facebook group dunoon weebay, a sort of buy and sell group, good chance he’s on there.

If you have the basic details of the person who blocked you, tel number/ business name / their real name, the small claims proximity could work.

I persued one against a dodgy carpet fitter, who I paid for work which wasn't completed. I got the money. They send threatening bailiff letters round the culprits house. Hope this works for you, but I guess if you know very little about fraudster, it may not..
Ultimately, getting scammed is painful, but it does make you more careful in future, so that's the only silver lining.

So how did you get into contact with him the first place if he's not on social media?
Did your friend introduce you?
If so... they do have some responsibility in this.
Id not be letting that go TBH.