AIBU to feel cross at online school and autistic daughter over A level results?

[hurtandconflicted]

We were expecting to get the results on Thursday and I had booked a day off to celebrate. However we got the results this morning and they are not great.
Late diagnosis after she started at college and just could not cope so we agreed that she leave in May and then wait to start her A levels online. No financial support from the LA and no EHCP.
At first things were going great and in her mocks she was predicted three A’s. But she took her foot off the gas, not burnt out, just not got herself into a good routine and due to her demand avoidance I resisted being too demanding of her.
We have spent approximately £20,000 on her education and she has come out with B,C and a D. I can’t decide who I am most cross with, school for sending the results on the wrong day or DD for not knuckling down.
Im hoping that someone can talk me out of feeling like this!

Just to let you now, PDA is actually an English invention and not an internationally recognised condition.
It's sad to see another NEET in the making. But I can see that you did whatever you could with the extra classes and feel for you.
I don't understand why not telling her? She is an adult, not 5. She must have a plan for her future and getting a job and being independent. Is she not aware of the reality of life?

Exactly, I don't get it, either.
I would be furious if I spent 20k on tuition, were predicted 3As and got these grades. It's like being scammed.

How is being scammed if by the OPs own admission her daughter took her foot off the gas and became PDA.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

Sounds as if she ought to have withdrawn her DD when, for whatever reason, she could no longer be arsed to study despite stellar mock results.

No one has been scammed.

Hi OP

Firstly I think some of the people berating you and saying you will harm your DD's mental health need to simmer down.

You haven't been well served by the school if they led you to believe you'd get the results one way, and it happened another way. That had the potential to really disrupt your DD. It is okay to feel annoyed and deflated at that.

You have clearly done loads to support her. And you'll keep doing that. I can see that from your posts. It's okay to have a mental break from being someone's support and just have "a bit of a moment" away from her. That is what you are doing here and it is okay, and healthy.

It is also okay to have hopes and ambitions for our kids. That's not toxic in itself. It's fine to have moments where you adjust your expectations against reality.

Two things can be true - your DD underachieved against her academic potential AND she did bloody well to get nearly 100 UCAS points, which would allow her to attend a solid post 92 and maybe some redbricks, if she wanted.

If I were you, I'd ask her what she feels. Point out the different options. See where she is at.

What I would say about apprenticeships is, the ones I've been involved with have strict expectations around attendance. The one she is thinking of may be different, but maybe get her to check that out and reflect on her own level of readiness.

People with disabilities that cause massive capacity fluctuation do not always achieve the score they are best able to get, all the time.

BCD is fine, she'll get into a mid range uni.

My son got similar (CCC) due to neurodiversity and thrived at uni working in specialist area. Came out of a high ranking modern uni (think Nottingham Trent, Man Met, Sheffield Hallam type uni) with a first.

A "prestigious" uni heavy on theory and erudition wouldn't have suited him. He needed the more modular, practical approach.

@ Priyanka12 ·

'xactly, I don't get it, either.
I would be furious if I spent 20k on tuition, were predicted 3As and got these grades. It's like being scammed.'

I have a range of grades from ungraded to A star, you can have so many variables that cause dysregulation on any given day, as a Neurodivergent. Predictions are very unpredictable for us all.

They're not terrible results. You shouldn't be angry with anyone. She's not a machine. If she wants to go to uni she can go through clearing. What a shame if you've already made her feel she's let you down.

@ClaudettedeBeauvoirit was an email! He had no idea what he was actually reading until he saw the results! It is not ‘on us’ it happened and how we deal with it now will be in a manner that best suits my daughters needs and not on the basis of atonement!

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOffthank you for this, I do support her as best I can but I really do appreciate someone acknowledging that. The apprenticeship is with a family friend who she has known since she was 5, I feel reassured by this as she is really aware of some of her challenges and is prepared to work with us around them. It means that she will not start until December so lots of time to recover and will be based at home a lot of the time. The best part is that she approached my DD herself!

Please celebrate your daughter’s achievements and tell her you’re proud of her. As she has her results before most A Level results come out she’s in a very good position to get at the front of the queue for clearing places at university - she can apply straight away for many universities - lots of places have all sorts of courses available. Rather than getting her results a day early being a negative it’s actually a big advantage!

Just saw your update re apprenticeship - good luck to her.

Why was the e mail with results sent to him rather than your dd? Did she give permission for that. Were they international a levels rather than the uk ones?

@walrushurricanei have no idea why they went to my husband. They are an online school with a lot of international student and perhaps this accounts for it.

You wont have got support and certainly not EHCP at that stage of her education. B and C is pretty good and a D is a pass. You need to have a chat about what she wants to do now. Always an option to retake the D if she needs a higher grade. All hinges on what she wants. What difference would it make knowing today instead of tomorrow? The fact she has 3 A levels will open lots of doors and should be celebrated.

This.

Also many uni take lower grades reguarly - though ucas have a tool now to help with this.

We had Ucas predicted on high side - actual predicted base on GCSE reuslts and regular tests and then teacher experience grades. DS had report right before his final exams that downgraded all his marks - with no explination.

Also don't get why they have the marks this early of sent then unless they are international A levels -- but then why didn't OP know that they came out earlier than Thursday.

Plus why were they sent to a parent - I'd have needed written permission to pick my DC GCSE or A-level results up in person and e-mails were all to their educational system accounts bar one year with DS - complicated reasons but he wouldn't have access -and I had to pre-arrange with written permission with exam officer getting them to another e-mail account.

Uni applications with predicted grades is just a mad system TBH and very stressful.

Theese are not bad marks at all - and at this stage it's more do they get her to the next stage that she wants or will she need a new path.

They don't seem to know much about data protection. It's outrageous to send your dds results to your DH particularly as they didn't send them to her too.

As other posters mentioned if the board is Cambridge which I’m sure it would be for online school then yesterday was the correct results day so that’s not the schools mistake. DD got one of hers yesterday and will get the other non Cambridge ones tomorrow.

it sounds like your dd has done well though considering her late diagnosis. I’m sure there’s plenty she can do with those grades. I’d congratulate her on Thursday and make a fuss of her. She’s done really well in difficult circumstances.

Yes. I had a bad OCD episode during my Higher maths and only got a C instead of the grade that I would normally have achieved.

I still got into a decent uni.

He decided to tell you the results over your daughter.

If this had happened in my house then my husband would have had told me that he had accidentally read the results, but not told me the actual results before telling our daughter. And I would have told him to tell her first too.

You've both decided to keep them from her until tomorrow.

I have a ND daughter who (after spiralling for 2 years) was diagnosed in year12. Similar boat as you. Didn’t work hard enough, wouldn’t accept tutors in all 3 subjects and I literally had to be with her all the time to keep things moving. She got ABD and was super disappointed with herself. Luckily her uni offer held. I chose to wipe her tears and praise how far she’d come from the predicted CCD or even passed the exam at all given her journey. It was hard. But ND kids are already slow on self esteem.
here is what I did.

1. sent 1 paper for remarking. Grade went from D to C. So now she has ABC - she ca. live with it.
2. tried clearing. There were some good offers. But she chose to keep her uni place.

now, she’s very happy at her course and A levels are a distant memory.

we did explore resitting the D paper, but when it changed to C we dropped.

so can you explore re-marking and re-sitting if your DD wants to and believes she could do better?

I agree. The results should have been sent to the dd rather than her father in the first place if she is over 18. Reading them and not passing on the information is even worse.

Well Claudette and Walrus it must be wonderful to be perfect, some of us however are human

And when you find yourself with an autistic child you don’t get a handbook, you just do the best you can

You don't need to be perfect to understand that you shouldn't have received the a level results of your adult child before they did and it was not your place to withhold the information.