AIBU to feel cross at online school and autistic daughter over A level results?

[hurtandconflicted]

We were expecting to get the results on Thursday and I had booked a day off to celebrate. However we got the results this morning and they are not great.
Late diagnosis after she started at college and just could not cope so we agreed that she leave in May and then wait to start her A levels online. No financial support from the LA and no EHCP.
At first things were going great and in her mocks she was predicted three A’s. But she took her foot off the gas, not burnt out, just not got herself into a good routine and due to her demand avoidance I resisted being too demanding of her.
We have spent approximately £20,000 on her education and she has come out with B,C and a D. I can’t decide who I am most cross with, school for sending the results on the wrong day or DD for not knuckling down.
Im hoping that someone can talk me out of feeling like this!

How does your Dd feel about the results and what does she want to do next?

Of course you're upset OP, when you were hoping for AAA then BCD is disappointing. How does DD feel?

The average grade is a C so she did about average - which is fine and normal. Most people don’t get As. She probably got higher grades this way than if she’d stayed at school or self taught so you made the best decision for the options you had. Go celebrate that she got them and look forward to what she might like to do next

There is no way I will make her feel shit and that’s why I wanted some straight talking to get me over being cross and realising what an amazing DD I have. She assured me that she was ready and at first it seemed that she was. I just have to get over myself!

Let's flip this:

This is on you, OP, for failing to get her diagnosed until 'late' and not getting her the support she needs in adequate time.

No? Exactly.

Apportioning blame won't help your daughter's self esteem.

Demand avoidance (I'm not pertaining to PDA) is a very common part of being Autistic.

I tried to get her diagnosed when she was 7 and got fobbed off by CAMHS telling me it was social anxiety. As an only child I had nothing to compare her with.

International A level results day is today & that's almost certainly what she's done with an online provider.

I know someone who received results today & that date was known well in advance so may have misread it or just assumed it was same as UK schools.

Those are still really good results for someone that's struggled with school & not had the support due to late diagnosis. Online learning is also harder.

Maybe a university degree is not right for them but those results do open up a lot of options for her.

She should be very proud of what she's achieved & I hope she enjoys the celebration you've organized for her tomorrow. Maybe it's better a day later if the results weren't what she expected but still a fantastic achievement

I know I know, it’s just so bloody exhausting but I wouldn’t change her for the world!

@Portmorethank you, you are spot on

What does she want to do?

A levels are stepping stone.

Take a deep breath & tell her how proud of her you are & how much you love her.

Enjoy tomorrow's celebration & then after that you can plan next steps.

The school haven't sent the results on the wrong day. If it's the international A-levels board, which it must be, then today is the right day. You just didn't know for whatever comms reason and booked the wrong day off. It's a shame but it's just a mistake which must have added to the shock of the grades being less than you'd hoped for. But they're really not that bad considering her challenges. Still use Thursday to do something nice and celebrate what she has achieved.

I had a very similar experience to your daughter (although 30 years ago and obviously no online school then!).

I'm autistic, high achiever academically all through A-levels, predicted all As. Encouraged to apply to Oxbridge (I didn't because I couldn't face the whole process).
Results day came around and I got C, C, D. College tutors were shocked, I was beside myself, my mum was pretty shitty about it.

However, once I'd stopped crying, I rang my second choice uni and explained I hadn't got the grades for my first choice - they told me to phone my first choice as they had had no indication from UCAS. I finally called my first choice, and I'd still got into my course. And after the first month at uni no one has been remotely interested in my A-Level results since.

I went on to get a First and then, later, two Masters with Distinction. My A-Level results have made no difference at all to my life, but I still feel the sting of my mum's reaction.

TBH I’d have thought BCD enough for quite a number of UK universities. OK, it will depend on what course she wants, and probably not Russell Group, but hardly a disaster.

Good advice.
Although these were not the grades she was expecting am sure there are a variety of courses she could study at uni with these results (assuming that is what she wants to do ).
Well done to your Dd!

Those results are not bad at all! She’s got lots of opportunities. Try to see the good in it. If you kept her in the previous college she maybe looking at a far worse set of results. Make sure you still celebrate.

Don’t be cross with anybody
Your daughter is who she is and will always be , regardless of how much money you fling at her
The results would have been the same whether the school sent them on the correct day or not
Go out and celebrate anyway . Celebrate your daughter. For who she is 👍
This ..

I’m really sorry OP, but effort and ability get the results, money doesn’t. She will find her path, and would no doubt have done even worse if you hadn’t chucked the money at it.
I totally get how you feel though and I hope you get through it xx

If school have issued a-level results today they have broken the UCAS results embargo and are in serious shit.

I know loads of people who already have their results.

You are cross at your daughter for her results. How dare you! Do not make hour daughter feel like she isn’t good enough - ffs

Also predicted grades are often inflated to allow for aspirational targets that a person ‘could’ achieve and to prevent universities from declining someone who may end up with the grades needed.

My ASD teen got a D.
Trust me, we were pleased. 😁

Yes - as I have said numerous times international a level results were released today. Others that have done BTECS, Scottish exams and IB have known results for a while.

I know someone who spent thousands on private school, putting them in poverty, from nursery to GCSE and the child came out with nothing higher than a D.

We have already established that it's an online school doing international A levels. The results day for these has always been today. OP incorrectly assumed it was the same as UK A level boards.