AIBU to feel cross at online school and autistic daughter over A level results?

[hurtandconflicted]

We were expecting to get the results on Thursday and I had booked a day off to celebrate. However we got the results this morning and they are not great.
Late diagnosis after she started at college and just could not cope so we agreed that she leave in May and then wait to start her A levels online. No financial support from the LA and no EHCP.
At first things were going great and in her mocks she was predicted three A’s. But she took her foot off the gas, not burnt out, just not got herself into a good routine and due to her demand avoidance I resisted being too demanding of her.
We have spent approximately £20,000 on her education and she has come out with B,C and a D. I can’t decide who I am most cross with, school for sending the results on the wrong day or DD for not knuckling down.
Im hoping that someone can talk me out of feeling like this!

@Todolisttoolong they didn’t arrive by post! I know my own DD enough to know that the change of date would not have gone well.

I hope that tomorrow goes well for you all OP. Wishing your daughter well for her next steps.

@Bearssaidhearegenerallyverywelldressed I said earlier that she wasn’t burnt out. I also didn’t push her due to PDA and took her out of a bricks o and mortar school because of my concern for her wellbeing

@Neuronimothank you

Use the day to do something relaxing and bonding

she needs a relaxed approach to this

Also I think that I probably didn’t understand A level grades that well. Lots of comments to say the grades are acceptable and the reasons why predicted grades are often ‘off’. That’s really helpful to know

To add these grades are in the possible range for my DC next year. Not great grades, but not a disaster. There are reasonable uni options if that is what they want, especially with foundation years.

uni is still possible some unis have access courses and then progress onto a degree

B,C,D isn't bad! My son got that, went to his chosen university and got a first! Your lovely daughter will be fine ❤️

Honestly results are not the be all and end all of the world. In today’s ever evolving world going to university isn’t the best thing these days or performing well academically. Some people thrive in different situations and go on to be very successful for that.

she did her best, got some good results and you should be proud of her for it. You are putting too much pressure on the situation for the all As and relying too much on a grade determining someone’s future

In my experience schools never guarantee a certain day- so you can't really be cross with them. Your daughter did not study hard, and you admit you did not try to push her,if autism is such a big factor, maybe it would have been better to let her do them in her own time- sounds like there is enough blame to go around- education is not a cashpoint machine- £20,000 in and 3 A's at A level out is not the way it works.

This!

@Laurmolonlabei realise that education is not a cash machine, but it is frustrating that there was little to no help from the LA in providing an education that met her needs. Oh and she wanted to do them not wait, she felt as if she was falling behind her friends and no amount of reassurance would make her see that waiting may have been a better option for her. Rigid thinking in ND individuals is very challenging to deal with.

Mine is in her bedroom, won't go to school, can't do anything other than play Roblox. If she is able to come out of burnout, navigate the system, and get three A levels I will be bursting with pride. I am looking down the next few years with great trepidation.

You and your daughter have walked a long difficult path and you have kept her well, healthy, in good habits - with PDA pulling her off this healthy path all the time. I am incredibly impressed with you both, and sending up a fervent prayer that we will be as lucky and make the right choices like you have done.

Not to be too grim but some parents are waiting outside the rooms of their ND teens tonight, fearing they have harmed themselves...or barricading themselves and younger children in the bathroom so they are not harmed in a meltdown... or wondering if they themselves can carry on. £20k is nothing. You can spend that on OT and online clubs and that year when all they eat is takeaway sushi. And and and. Offer it up as the cost of getting to this good point you are at.

Congratulations to you both and I wish her the longest, happiest life full of wonder and brightness, as she will be able to support herself and be her own brilliant self.

I also wrote and then deleted that, kindly, you were being a little rigid in your assessment of success and failure... and that as a caregiver that all or nothing vibe does sometimes rub off!

Yes the LA should have helped. Fuckers. It is a huge injustice.(that's something that might bother her...and you...a lot too!)

You did it though. You did it without the bastards.

BCD are not "terrible" A Level results, particularly if your daughter has had other struggles to cope with.

Did you apply for an EHCP? If they refused to assess, did you go through mediation?

@calflionsyou have made me cry, thank you for being so kind and ‘getting’ it. I did it and you will too!

I understand your frustration, maybe explore less academic avenues for your daughter, she might feel happier- despite being very academically capable I still finished up working with my hands because it made me happier-so quite a few years were wasted getting qualifications I didn't use (and to be honest, unless you want to be a teacher, no one is really interested in the fact you have an arts degree).

I got shit A level results. Still went on to uni. Now head up a research department. She needs to find something she loves and roll with it. My son is autistic and loves sport. He is only 8 but I put no pressure on him at all re school because he just falls apart if I do. Appreciate he is a lot younger than your daughter, but I don't think he will ever be academic. With his sport he can cope with the pressure and competing in front of big audiences. He's found his thing. I have no doubt it will take him far through resilience and character building without having high grades. Don't worry about the A levels, OP. My parents were pretty cool with me when I got my results, and helped me find my 'thing'.

Ah OP, I think she’s done brilliantly, especially having had a patchy experience of education due to her SEN. I realise it must be a bit disappointing as you were hoping for AAA, but those grades are nothing to be sniffed at. A levels are hard! And require a lot of independent study which is so hard for demand avoidant students. My brother got those exact same grades, he got into uni on clearing, then did a masters, and then landed himself an amazing job, he earns more than his 3 siblings put together! So all is not lost, in fact there’s definitely cause to celebrate.

I do get it, my ASD PDA teen is waiting for GCSE results, she missed most of secondary and only really started school last October. She definitely won’t get the results she’d have been capable of if she’d had the right support in time, it took so long to get her an EHCP. But I’ll be proud of her regardless because just taking the exams was huge for her.

Have a great day celebrating with your lovely DD, she’s done so well.

Those results are pretty good considering she was up against it with online schooling, foot off the gas, PDA and autism.

A level results are much more variable than people realise. Unless you see the results spreadsheets, it is easy to get the impression loads of students do brilliantly. The very good results are the ones that are broadcast. The reality is that it is a very mixed bag and A levels are hard.

She has three A levels at teasonable grades. It’s not what you were hoping for but celebrations are needed for her achievements nevertheless. You planned a lovely day for Thursday. Have one. Your daughter will find her way forward. No blame can be attached to the education establishment for sending the results. Your daughter has problems but life often gives us problems. They help us grow and find our way, if we have support and love.

She's got 96 UCAS points which would get her onto almost any course at my local university.

wh

What does she want to do?

Can we stop banging on about how someone should be pleased with grades that are significantly lower than what they were predicted? If I had been predicted AAA and got BCD I’d be really bloody upset, and someone saying “be grateful, they’re fine” is spectacularly missing the point.They aren’t good grades for someone expecting AAA