AIBU to feel cross at online school and autistic daughter over A level results?

[hurtandconflicted]

We were expecting to get the results on Thursday and I had booked a day off to celebrate. However we got the results this morning and they are not great.
Late diagnosis after she started at college and just could not cope so we agreed that she leave in May and then wait to start her A levels online. No financial support from the LA and no EHCP.
At first things were going great and in her mocks she was predicted three A’s. But she took her foot off the gas, not burnt out, just not got herself into a good routine and due to her demand avoidance I resisted being too demanding of her.
We have spent approximately £20,000 on her education and she has come out with B,C and a D. I can’t decide who I am most cross with, school for sending the results on the wrong day or DD for not knuckling down.
Im hoping that someone can talk me out of feeling like this!

I think they’re perfectly fine, but if daughter is expecting AAA then she might be pretty upset so I’m wondering if a bit of ‘don’t worry if things aren’t as high as you expect’ might help given that the OP has also mentioned neurodivergence too, this could potentially impact the reaction

I thought this too. I do understand your concern around changing what she expected but she clearly does have capacity since she was capable of sitting A levels and achieving success. Sitting on these results that belong to your adult daughter for another 36 hours doesn’t sit right. I get that you as parents know her best, but have you also considered that she might work out that the results are out if she has any comms directly or indirectly with other students from her cohort? That would be much worse than you carefully finding a way to explain that you all got the dates wrong and the results have been shared. And be nothing but absolutely proud and delighted and highlight all the possible pathways she now has thanks to her hard work and gaining these qualifications.

Why did you spend 20 grand?

She’s got three alevels in difficult circumstances, that’s brilliant. She will have options. Well done both of you for getting through it.

I got BCD and am in a 90K a year job. It didn’t cost my parents 20K to get me my mediocre results though! I should have got better, was predicted 2 As and a B but the exams just didn’t go well on the day. I’m worth a lot more than a few hours of exam questions I sat when I was 18 and fortunately my other qualities got me into my career path and then exam results don’t matter as you’re in and then the promotions come.

This is totally uncalled for. These are your DDs results not yours. You should never have opened her envelope. What are you going to say to her on Thursday? Will you lie and pretend you are surprised? What sort of basis for an adult relationship is that? What if she finds out you have been holding onto them? You should have simply let her know her results had arrived and let her decide how she wished to discover them and share them. And then told how proud you were of her and how well she had done.

Lol, these were my results and I've done pretty well in life. I was predicted higher but lost my way a bit in the exams. I was still accepted at my first Uni choice.

I really cant remember if I got a B and a C, or a C and a D.

Ive got a 2:2 and then a masters degree and a career for life. That quite frankly I am desperate to retire from but thats another story.

Oh. Not cool OP.

Those are her grades. Not yours.

Social worker?

And I went to a Poly. Remember them?

I had a baby (with complex needs) in the second year of my a-levels, a few days after the school year started. I had severe PPD and hallucinations, and spent that full year struggling between mental health, hospital appointments for baby, and college work. I ended up failing every single A-level. I am now in my early 30s, I've graduated from university, and I have a career as a lawyer. Your daughter not meeting your grade expectations does not affect the rest of her life. She is young. There's still time for her to be able to do anything she wants to do.

How can you be mad at her for her results when 1) it's nothing to do with you, and 2) she's struggled due to lack of support for her disability and still managed to get some decent grades. You are being very unreasonable tbh. Please make sure you see sense before you ruin her self esteem.

There has been a huge amount of grade inflation since then. In 1990 11% got an A. These days about 27% get an A or A star (which had to be introduced as too many got A). You could study medicine or get into Oxbridge with BBB.

These are decent results that many people would be proud of.

Im staggered a parent can access a students exam results without their permission.

Ours arrive in the post. I handed my DC theirs straight away, include DC with SEN. I then stepped back so they could decide how to open them (eg with me there/on their own/wait a few hours /etc)

So really I was probably an A* student. Makes sense. Ive always suspected it!!!

She’ll have plenty of options with those grades

This. Only As will do apparently.

Goodness what’s wrong with those results?

@hurtandconflicted I'm confused as to how you know these results - schools don't receive them until the day before results day. So weds 12th. Are you outside the UK?

We’ve already covered this - international A level exams results have already been released.

BCD are not bad results.

D Grades are passes at A level. Don’t assume her predicted UCAS grades were realistic as they are often widely over predicted.
If she’s applied to Uni, has she got in?

@Todolisttoolong thanks for clarifying. I thought I'd checked the thread carefully!

@Nousernameideaaga the school sent them to my DH not requested by us. I am fully aware that they are her grades.