AIBU to feel cross at online school and autistic daughter over A level results?

[hurtandconflicted]

We were expecting to get the results on Thursday and I had booked a day off to celebrate. However we got the results this morning and they are not great.
Late diagnosis after she started at college and just could not cope so we agreed that she leave in May and then wait to start her A levels online. No financial support from the LA and no EHCP.
At first things were going great and in her mocks she was predicted three A’s. But she took her foot off the gas, not burnt out, just not got herself into a good routine and due to her demand avoidance I resisted being too demanding of her.
We have spent approximately £20,000 on her education and she has come out with B,C and a D. I can’t decide who I am most cross with, school for sending the results on the wrong day or DD for not knuckling down.
Im hoping that someone can talk me out of feeling like this!

Almost peak MN

Grades of B, C and D requires a thread and 'feeling cross'

Wow.

She probably would have got the same grades even if you hadnt spent 20k, perhaps be cross at your money management.

That could have provided her with a deposit for a flat in later life.

Absolutely nothing wrong with those grades. They will give her a lot of options. Sounds like she is a bright and hardworking young woman, she just needs to find something that she will thrive in.

If I had an autistic daughter who hadn't been coping with A levels, started again and completed them on an online school ...and achieved B C D I would be celebrating.
It takes far more self discipline to force yourself online to work then study alone that at a school setting .especially if self esteem is low.
These give quite respectable UCAS points and I would be praising her.
Doesn't matter how able she is or what she was originally predicted ..she has a disability and has worked with it to achieve massively.

I was a teacher in an Independent school for some time and I have seen parents who think that they are paying for guaranteed results. With smaller class sizes etc yes you can boost results .. and of course that's what parents pay for. With smaller classes, more individual time a potentially C student can become a B across the board and a B student an A..but in general movement up the grades is also dependent on so many other things as well. A feeling of pressure to do well at home can sometimes make Kids panic into doing nothing at all .
If she is autistic she may feel she needs a gap year before attempting anything else challenging or she may be raring to go.
These results will get her into lots of Universities ...not necessarily the ones you hoped for ...but places that will help launch her, in time, into a career suitable for her.
Sometimes private facilities over predict because they want the business...and it is a business.
There will be lots of kids and parents by Thursday wishing they had your daughter's results.
Please celebrate this good achievement with her. 💐 for you and 💐 for her.

Me too, it is what it is and no amount of anger will change that, although I can
understand your expectations were higher than this, try not to let your disappointment show too much

What's wrong with a b and c???

I imagine online schools may well use international exams as they often don’t require the examined practical element or test it through a written paper.

I think she did brilliantly and should celebrate her achievements. It’s a bit harsh to even mention throwing £20K at her education, was that for her or you? I’d be having a stern talk to myself if I was you and yes I have autistic daughters

International A level results are out today, at least for some of the boards, and they can release them to pupils immediately. IB results came out in early July.

I really hope you haven't guilt-tripped her about the money you spent - that was your choice, at the end of the day.

B, C and D are not awful results. She will be fine and you need to take a deep breath and remember that this is just one tiny thing in life.

I think she's done really well. It's just not possible for everyone to get straight As and actually she's got ASD too.

Perhaps you could congratulate yourself for putting her in a school that suited her needs so much better where she could of been, feel proud you did invest in her.

Her results are fine especially given her difficult circumstances.

The international A Level results being out a couple of days early doesn't seem like an actual problem, you can still celebrate on your day off?

These comments are wild. Speaking as an autistic person with PDA, I would definitely still consider myself as having responsibility for the things I do! It’s harder for me to exercise my free will than the average person, but treating me/people like me as if I don’t have any is just demeaning. And even worse, it removes some of the key pressure I need to function at all.

I think OP is BU to treat A level results as basically something she can buy via private education, but posters are being very U to suggest that she can’t have any expectations of her daughter at all, or that autistic people can’t also be lazy. Goodness!

You are being really unfair to your DD @hurtandconflicted . She's fine much better than a lot of others and you should be supporting her and proud of her not being like this

I think it's an amazing achievement for someone who is autistic and had a tough start to college that resulted in them having to leave and start online schooling. I'd be proud of her if it was my DD.

Have you ever considered that she may be under too much pressure due to your expectations? That's not the way to get the best out of an autistic child.

A-levels are an odd thing OP, I got CCE in mine, so worse than your daughter. I then got a 2:1 for my degree though and a distinction in my MA(Res).

Work out how to get her on to whatever next step she wants to take and forget the A-level results, they're just a way of getting there.

Hey, she's got 3 A levels, after a difficult start and feeling overwhelmed towards the end of her course. She carried on despite this, took the exams and passed them all. I hope you can manage to be pleased and proud. If her grades are enough to get her where she wants to go next, it's job done. She might find work or college much easier than studying for exams. Some people really blossom when they leave school behind.

I understand about the cost, we've financed both our sons through university and postgraduate studies. They're both now in jobs they really enjoy which have a good career path, and honestly, I couldn't be happier for them.

Best wishes to you all.

Exactly this, I nearly said this in my post. I personally think OP is a bit bizarre, theres nothing wrong with a B, C, D. But then as I said peak MN that everyone is AAA or star star star probably

However that said, the posts are full of the prejudice of low expectations in some ways, posters that think they are being helpful to OP by 'justifying' what they agree with OP to be poor results, low results, disappointing results (whatever phrase you choose) are doing so on the basis of 'well, you cant expect anything else, she has ASD'

I personally dont think they are bad or poor results. However if they were, OP explains in the first post that actually she just chose not to knuckle down. Not everything that happens to someone with ASD is a a result of their ASD. She is just a kid like any other and has agency to either do the work, or not do the work.

And like others said, this might have been her level anyway. Predicted grades are hardly the thing to pin your hat on, I dont know why people put such store in them.

Just to clarify, DD is not aware of her results. We were both under the impression that she would get these Thursday so do not want to upset her with a change of plan. I will be celebrating with her on Thursday

Don’t you think that you should soften the blow first. Maybe let her know you’ve seen them and they may not be what she hopes but that you can work out what is next together…

I've no idea why the school releasing the results affects anything?

It was your choice to spend the money, you weren't paying for a certain result.

I think it's more reasonable to be cross with your dd if she was lazy with her schoolwork after (presumably) wanting you to pay for private education. But I think you're equally to blame for not supporting her to manage her revision really.

How have you seen them without her?

They are her results. Schools are normally very careful that results are not given to parents unless they have written consent from the student.

Why, she isnt an infant

And the grades are fine.

No they haven’t, read the bloody thread.

If DD has a disability OP may be her representative.

Im really loving all the frothing from posters about THE SKOOL SHUDUNT OF RELEASED THE RESULTZ

Lots of pursing of lips here.