To not know how to deal with DSis anymore

[dodomin]

DSis and I are very very close. We speak multiple times a day and share every little thing. Our DCs are born 4 months apart from each other. DN is older than my DS

DSis is due to return to work full time next month. I've tried to be as supportive as I can so far in the run up. She feels very guilty for starting off DN at nursery a couple of months ago (to make sure he settles in well). Lots of family saying he's too young for 10 hours at nursery at 8 months etc. But I know the guilt from when I was contemplating the same for DD (now 3). In the end I chose to be a SAHM. DSis also has that option open to her but doesn't want to do that. And so I've told her she's making the right decision for her family, DN will get to have so many experiences that she won't be able to give him at home, she will be refreshed and a better mum for it etc. Everything I can think of. But really, I feel sad for DN. But I would never say that to my DSis because the whole thing is hard enough as it is.

Anyway, she also sleep trained DN (closing the door and letting him sleep on his own, if he cries they don't intercede) from 7 months. Again, I was super supportive, but internally I felt sad for DN. Initially DN was great at this and so it was easy to be supportive. For the past month, he's been screaming in his cot and DSis puts her air pods in and calls me to ignore the noise.

And then she keeps screenshotting her photos from DN's nursery app with photos of DN looking miserable (her words, not mine, although I do agree) and his face swollen from crying. She keeps saying how sad he looks, she thinks he's depressed, she feels like a monster etc. I said its just early days and he'll enjoy it the more used to it he gets.

And then she's taken his comforter away from him that he uses to sleep because she doesn't want him to get too dependent on it as she feels nursery just give it to him all the time. And he cries hysterically now because he wants it.

I think if I didn't have children of my own around the same age, I'd be able to handle this better. I am the total opposite to DSis - I co sleep (please no judgement, it works for us, we all get sleep and we like it), I cuddle DCs to sleep, I think it's ok to have a comforter. I think each to their own and everyone has to do what works for them. Maybe it's hormones/I'm too wet/ emotional, I don't know. But I just can't handle it anymore. And on top to keep saying to her she's doing the right thing... I just don't want to hear all this stuff that I feel is too harsh for a 10 month old and I just don't want to see all these photos of him being upset... but also I don't want to say anything that will make DSis feel bad about her decisions when she already feels guilty. What do I do? :(

Its stories like these will end up in the media when the child is dead. And you OP quite frankly are as guilty as the parents

OP I could not put up with what you are having to!!

i am a co sleeping mama of 3. I never sleep trained any of mine. My SIL is sleep training my 8 month old nephew at the moment and said the crying is awful. I had to change the topic to the weather and then finished the convo and hung up the phone!!

wtf why

all nurseries, early years settings of any kind are bound by law to operate in a certain way regarding adult to child ratios.

sounds like affluent neglect from the DH. horrible.

good luck to you and your sister.

I think the ratios are fine and the nursery is fine. He had his comforter taken away (nursery didn't want it taken away) and so has been really upset in his daily updates

You are backtracking now, that poor child not even protected by his family. This child is being neglected and you are standing by and watching it happen.

He cries until he exhausts himself.

Wtf?

This is shit parenting. No two ways about it.

I thought the same. She started the thread saying she doesn't go against her now all of a sudden because she's under fire for doing nothing, she's called her out every time?

@dodomin Is your sister doing these things BECAUSE she’s going back to work?

Is she trying to get into a routine to support her full time working? I.e the ignoring at night so he sleeps through/settles himself as she can’t work with broken sleep?

She sounds awful. You should tell her the truth and stop validating her awful parenting. You’re not helping anyone with the constant supportive comments - you don’t have to be supportive if someone is doing something cruel.

Your relationship sounds intense and unhealthily co dependent. Nobody needs to call a relative multiple times a day.

Exactly this! Why these people have children is beyond me. They clearly have no empathy and treat their children like objects. The OP wrote:

"She does a very careful skincare routine and he uses luxury brand baby creams"

Wtf! My mum left me whole days in nursery when I was a baby even though she didn't need to go back to work for financial reasons or could atleast have hired a nanny. But.. you know what.. I had the best skincare routine and I went to private school !

I used to work as an aupair when I was young and it was so sad to see how little emotional connection there were btw parents and their children. I decided there and then that if I was to have children I would make them my priority and spend time with them rather than just throw money at them.

I remember being at this stage with a family member who did things differently and feeling her way was very off to me. The kids are now adults. Over that lifetime there were stages where she was objectively just a far better parent than me and other stages where I probably objectively came out on top.

Another family member who was absolutely stellar with babies and was a SAHM giving it her all has not been so great as her children individuate, she just likes things to be how she likes them and it is much easier to be in control when children are younger.

Life is long, parenting is hard, you will be judged along the way and you will not always come out on top. It really is better just to focus on your own situation and be the best parent you can be.

It sounds like her husband is an arsehole. I'd argue that she definitely needs to go back to work for financial reasons.

Not every time. I said each time when the issue initially arose I said how I felt. I also said, I haven't said how I've felt since the initial time I said it. It is relevant to explain it because some of the advice I'm being given is contingent on what I've said so far. It would be pointless to backtrack or make stuff up because it would make the advice I'm seeking useless.

I think the frequency is partly that she's on maternity leave. But yes, in my family we do speak to each other A LOT. We have a group chat with my aunts and even that gets dialled in a couple of times a day.

Answering in order of questions.

Yes, she is mostly doing these things in preparation to go back to work.

Yes, she's trying to get into a routine.

The sleep training happened when DN was 7 months and I believe it was because they just didn't it to take an hour for DN to go to sleep for the night. He is a good sleeper AFAIK.

So the sleep training isn't current? How old is DN now?

Yes it does sound like affluent neglect. In rich areas of London sometimes people all use the same sleep training nanny, a woman who comes and makes you keep the door shut on your crying baby. It’s a lot more common to have maternity nurses and daytime nannies as well.

So it might well be that the environment that she is in is facilitating a lot of her choices. Which makes it harder to get through to her but you should keep trying.

I feel desperately sad for that baby being deprived of comfort and even a blanket every night. What does your mum think? Has she said anything?

I still think you would benefit from some therapy for the NICU stuff too as I said in my other post.

It seems to me that your dear nephew will continue to suffer unless his mother is able to reconnect with her maternal instincts…indeed if she has any.
She is hindered in doing that as she is constantly trying to appease her crazy demanding husband.

Putting the child into nursery for ten hours a day, two months before she is due to go back to work simply so that she can get the home straight is madness.

She has removed herself as her baby’s primary attachment and then removes his only other comfort…his comforter.
At the same time she ensures he is presented perfectly, to the outside world, clean and beautifully dressed and they have private education lined up for him.
All good on paper (and SM probably) never mind the baby’s sadness for the need of a cuddle from his mum.
This child is treated as a commodity existing to reflect the whims of his parents.

No wonder they say the skill of parenting is slowly being eroded, when we hear these stories.

If you are now speaking up and calling her out on each and every poor decision, there’s not much more you can do other than a serious intervention.
Suggest she spends just two hours a day getting the home straight with baby in nursery and then dedicates the rest of the day to being fully present with him, fully receptive to his needs. And suggest she goes back to work part time only until baby is school age.

Just a thought, have you ever wondered of your sister has PND ?

I’m confused - so DN doesn’t scream through the night now? Or he still does? And she started sleep training because DN took just an hour to go to sleep.

An expensive skincare regime and a pretty playroom aren’t love. The nursery have said it’s not the right thing to take a comforter away from a baby. The fact that she thinks being able to feed himself is sad speaks volumes. I take back what I said about her struggling mentally, I think she is emotionally immature and just not a good parent.
I don’t see how any of this is going to get any better. What is she going to do for the toddler years - get a nanny who can do the difficult mornings and evenings while she rearranges the playroom and says she loves him because she cooks an organic vegan dinner? It’s probably for the best for him to have nursery workers and nannies who can understand children and meet his needs

wow he shouldn’t be in nursery and BIL should be looking after him.

Could you offer your sister some help? Your poor DN is suffering so I think you should tactfully intervene

He does. He was initially fine when sleep training. The first few days were rough and then he seemed to sleep fine

Lately it's not been so successful. He will cry a lot. I think it has coincided with the start of nursery and having no comforter.

Gosh this is all terribly sad OP. So upsetting about the sleep training and taking away his comforter

Because she knows the child is left to cry for endless times. What if said child ends up being sick through turmoil and chokes on his vomit? Thats guilt by proxy.

The ops sisters parenting methods are unorthodox, theres controlled crying method and theres bloody neglect.

Just wants his mum. Normal natural response.

Deeply abnormal response to ignore it. Cretins.