To not know how to deal with DSis anymore

[dodomin]

DSis and I are very very close. We speak multiple times a day and share every little thing. Our DCs are born 4 months apart from each other. DN is older than my DS

DSis is due to return to work full time next month. I've tried to be as supportive as I can so far in the run up. She feels very guilty for starting off DN at nursery a couple of months ago (to make sure he settles in well). Lots of family saying he's too young for 10 hours at nursery at 8 months etc. But I know the guilt from when I was contemplating the same for DD (now 3). In the end I chose to be a SAHM. DSis also has that option open to her but doesn't want to do that. And so I've told her she's making the right decision for her family, DN will get to have so many experiences that she won't be able to give him at home, she will be refreshed and a better mum for it etc. Everything I can think of. But really, I feel sad for DN. But I would never say that to my DSis because the whole thing is hard enough as it is.

Anyway, she also sleep trained DN (closing the door and letting him sleep on his own, if he cries they don't intercede) from 7 months. Again, I was super supportive, but internally I felt sad for DN. Initially DN was great at this and so it was easy to be supportive. For the past month, he's been screaming in his cot and DSis puts her air pods in and calls me to ignore the noise.

And then she keeps screenshotting her photos from DN's nursery app with photos of DN looking miserable (her words, not mine, although I do agree) and his face swollen from crying. She keeps saying how sad he looks, she thinks he's depressed, she feels like a monster etc. I said its just early days and he'll enjoy it the more used to it he gets.

And then she's taken his comforter away from him that he uses to sleep because she doesn't want him to get too dependent on it as she feels nursery just give it to him all the time. And he cries hysterically now because he wants it.

I think if I didn't have children of my own around the same age, I'd be able to handle this better. I am the total opposite to DSis - I co sleep (please no judgement, it works for us, we all get sleep and we like it), I cuddle DCs to sleep, I think it's ok to have a comforter. I think each to their own and everyone has to do what works for them. Maybe it's hormones/I'm too wet/ emotional, I don't know. But I just can't handle it anymore. And on top to keep saying to her she's doing the right thing... I just don't want to hear all this stuff that I feel is too harsh for a 10 month old and I just don't want to see all these photos of him being upset... but also I don't want to say anything that will make DSis feel bad about her decisions when she already feels guilty. What do I do? :(

But does she really feel guilty or is it performative? Because letting an infant cry instead of giving them a comforter seems pretty harsh, as does ignoring their cries at night and putting air pods in - does she go and comfort him after a certain amount of time or does she just let him scream until he exhausts himself?

This is tricky. We all have different ways of parenting but I'd feel pretty uncomfortable about being on the phone to someone if their baby was crying hysterically in another room and I'd probably say so. But then I am a co sleeper like you!
Apart from that- I don't think you need to keep saying she's doing the right thing, you can ask questions without being overtly judgemental . If her child is consistently miserable at nursery for example I'd ask what the nursery say and what they are doing to help.

He screams until he exhausts himself.

My very deep down personal opinion is that she's exhausted herself and needs a break. I feel BIL is rubbish. She begged him to take his paternity leave because she was so knackered and he didn't. He's just taken it this week for 2 months when DN is at nursery 8-6pm 5 days a week.

Yes, I agree completely. I'm all for people parenting however works for their family.

Today I said to her that she doesn't have to do this if she doesn't feel happy about it for example. So I do say these types of things but it's no shield against the photos or her telling me all these stories about nursery where she feels he's not happy. It's making me feel a bit depressed tbh seeing him like this and hearing him cry so much.

Is it possible there's an element of her expecting/wanting you to have looked after him because you are a SAHM?

I did offer but really it's unfeasible as she lives about an hour's drive away from me.

What do you want from this thread, OP? To hear you’re a better parent than your sister?

Tread very carefully. If she feels criticism from you she will be so hurt . Think non committal is the way to go . Just tell her that she has to be happy with her choices , maybe you'd do differently. Keep your opinions to yourself and don't ever discuss with anyone that might tell her . You can certainly feel unhappy and sorry for DN but he is not in real danger or truly neglected. Hopefully he will settle as there are many babies that have gone to nursery young because there is no choice . And been OK

Leaving your child to cry and putting ear pods in and making a phone call? What have I just read. That’s awful I would not be pretending to support that!

Id suggest she changes nursery. Can she cut down her hours? Or use a childminder?

As your Dsis is going back to work next month, presumably you won't be able to speak multiple times a day anymore then. Can you grit your teeth until then and once she's back at work, start cutting back on the calls/messages/photos that you share? It all sounds rather intense.

No. I think I've made very clear what I'm seeking from this thread.

Next time she says he looks miserable (and who wouldn't be?) ask her what she is going to do about it.

You sound like such a lovely sister. And I think you’re right — she’s probably completely overwhelmed and burnt out, which may play a part in why she really wants to go back to work. It’s just sad that all of the guilt around these things ends up with the mother.

Are there other forms of childcare that she can afford that might better suit your DN? Something that might involve more one in one care?

So OP - you ask us not to judge YOU as whatever your doing works for your family. However, you want us to judge your sister? And you’re judging her as well? That’s not very kind…. I didn’t sleep train as it didn’t appeal to me - but it does to others and I don’t judge them. Maybe you should tell your sister how you really feel rather than act with her.

I feel like they can afford a nanny, but that's purely me from the outside saying that. Ultimately BIL seems to be in charge of finances (another reason why I think DSis is making the right choice in going back to work).

I might suggest it to DSis and then she can explore it in a more concrete way now that all this is happening with DN

She must know all this to some degree though, my SIL had a baby a few weeks apart from me and we were very different in our parenting styles, neither of us right or wrong but she absolutely wouldn’t have been the person I offloaded to in the tough times (and vice versa) as we understood and accepted our styles were different.

Yeah sorry I'd tell my sister the truth.

No, I'm not asking anyone to judge her - and I've said in my OP and previous posts multiple times she needs to do what's right for her. I'm asking what do I do to deal with being inundated with so many unhappy photos and stories about DN WITHOUT making DSis feel bad.

Hope that makes things clearer for you 👍

Was fan impossible situation. Basically, you’re wondering whether, and if so how to deliver a harsh truth to someone who is vulnerable and already distressed. I don’t know what I’d do in your shoes. I mean, I’d be sorely tempted to express me opinion on BIL, but that would be for my benefit rather than hers. Last thing she needs.

I think all you can do is grit your teeth and put up with it. Maybe don’t answer texts so quickly: maybe let the odd call go to voicemail; maybe push in-person meet ups to leas frequent? Sounds harsh but this is a horrible situation.

I would ask her about whether she’d consider it. My daughter was cared for by a lovely lady who looked after her and three other children. She got plenty of one on one attention and it’s not as overstimulating as a larger childcare set up, which some kids thrive on and others are overwhelmed by.

That's such a good point. Why I didn't realise this I don't know 😭 you're absolutely right 🙌🙌

Yes, there's a video of that Knight nursery and Autumn saying how short a time they're a newborn for.
That NSPCC advert about Tom stopping crying because he knows no one will come still creeps me out.
I know some people have no choice, and I'd love to have been able to afford more time with my kids. But you say this is her choice.

I would tell my sister to get a grip and stop neglecting her baby
parenting is 24/7
you can’t just shut a baby in a room to cry by themselves at night. Thats cruel and will surely have repercussions for the child’s mental health. You need to stick up for this baby who has no voice. Well they do have a voice but they’re being ignored. Poor baby. Deeply disturbing to read.
I would never ever leave any family member to cry themselves to sleep on their own in the dark.

This is also a really good point. There's indeed some set ups that work better than others for different children. They are investing in one of the best nurseries in their area so I think they hoped given it's the best (according to reviews, wait lists etc) it would all work out fine.

It comes across as incredibly self-righteous.