To not know how to deal with DSis anymore

[dodomin]

DSis and I are very very close. We speak multiple times a day and share every little thing. Our DCs are born 4 months apart from each other. DN is older than my DS

DSis is due to return to work full time next month. I've tried to be as supportive as I can so far in the run up. She feels very guilty for starting off DN at nursery a couple of months ago (to make sure he settles in well). Lots of family saying he's too young for 10 hours at nursery at 8 months etc. But I know the guilt from when I was contemplating the same for DD (now 3). In the end I chose to be a SAHM. DSis also has that option open to her but doesn't want to do that. And so I've told her she's making the right decision for her family, DN will get to have so many experiences that she won't be able to give him at home, she will be refreshed and a better mum for it etc. Everything I can think of. But really, I feel sad for DN. But I would never say that to my DSis because the whole thing is hard enough as it is.

Anyway, she also sleep trained DN (closing the door and letting him sleep on his own, if he cries they don't intercede) from 7 months. Again, I was super supportive, but internally I felt sad for DN. Initially DN was great at this and so it was easy to be supportive. For the past month, he's been screaming in his cot and DSis puts her air pods in and calls me to ignore the noise.

And then she keeps screenshotting her photos from DN's nursery app with photos of DN looking miserable (her words, not mine, although I do agree) and his face swollen from crying. She keeps saying how sad he looks, she thinks he's depressed, she feels like a monster etc. I said its just early days and he'll enjoy it the more used to it he gets.

And then she's taken his comforter away from him that he uses to sleep because she doesn't want him to get too dependent on it as she feels nursery just give it to him all the time. And he cries hysterically now because he wants it.

I think if I didn't have children of my own around the same age, I'd be able to handle this better. I am the total opposite to DSis - I co sleep (please no judgement, it works for us, we all get sleep and we like it), I cuddle DCs to sleep, I think it's ok to have a comforter. I think each to their own and everyone has to do what works for them. Maybe it's hormones/I'm too wet/ emotional, I don't know. But I just can't handle it anymore. And on top to keep saying to her she's doing the right thing... I just don't want to hear all this stuff that I feel is too harsh for a 10 month old and I just don't want to see all these photos of him being upset... but also I don't want to say anything that will make DSis feel bad about her decisions when she already feels guilty. What do I do? :(

Did she actually want to have a baby?

Her behaviour reads as very unloving on all fronts.

I am not by nature one of life’s “softies” but I’d show a stray cat more affection that you’ve described your sister giving her son.

Sorry I'd have to say something about the screaming to exhaustion and taking away a comforter. Just reading that has made me feel queasy.

Sounds pretty crap. Baby is in nursery 5 days 8 to 6, then left to cry in a cot with no interaction. Taken his comforter away. She sounds like she can't be bothered with him. I think I would tell her to go to him rather than listen to her bull shit and photos of her distressed child. Sorry hard truths

She was absolutely desperate for a baby and he is almost a miracle. I think, like many with their first baby, it's hit her like a bus. Her thoughts are not unloving. She has arrived at different decisions than me but not for lack of care or trying.

I think she is also heavily influenced by BIL who just wants an easy life and is pushing for the sleep training. The worry around the comforter is that he likes to chew it and she's worried it will disrupt his developing speech etc

It's from 6 to 8 months approximately that a baby starts to realise that the mother is a separate entity from them and can leave. Before that a baby identifies itself and the mother as a single entity.
This sounds awful.

It's so hard for me. What you've written makes me feel so sad. I didn't include this in my OP but my DS was born with a condition which meant he was in the NICU for two months. It honestly broke me knowing he didn't have me near for so many nights. When she complains sometimes I think to myself she doesn't know how lucky she has it, she can cradle her lovely boy and enjoy all these precious moments. With DS he needs extra care (he has a stoma) and will have a few more surgeries coming up over the next year. I'm so traumatised from it all sometimes I feel like my brain is going to explode from keeping it together and then hearing her complain makes me just want to throw my phone in the bin.

And then all this said, I am sure all these kids will grow up into adults and you'll never know any of this stuff about how they were parented or raised and it won't matter in the long run.

You need to tell her this about her husband . And as another poster said, you don’t have to reassure her she’s doing th right thing. You can just ask ‘how do you feel?’

Christ all fucking mighty though, how did we get to the point that babies are in industrial childcare for 10 hours a day 5 days a week.

Nothing is worth that.

OP I think you need to have a very straightforward conversation with her. Tell her that her current approach sucks. You're mollycoddling. There is such a thing as too much support and too much nodding in agreement. Photos of a distressed screaming baby? Sod the husband. Say something!
Good luck with your little ones ops xx

Not your actual AIBU, but I think you are being unreasonable to deal with this in the way you are. How can you say you're "very, very" close when you can't even talk to your sister honestly? And have you thought that maybe she's hoping you will give her the get out clause she is hoping for i.e. she doesn't have to go back to work while her child is so tiny? What sort of life is he having anyway? Very very long days of misery in a nursery he hates then coming home to long long miserable nights of crying. Does she actually have much of a relationship with him?
Like you, I feel very sad for the poor little chap.

As for your brother in law, well I'm speechless. He clearly doesn't understand what paternity leave is for and how hard won the current provision was. When I had my babies, paternity leave didn't exist. My husband had to take annual leave to even be with me when I was in hospital (my labour with both was over 2 days) though I think he got one day of compassioate leave for the actual birth. He then had to go back to work until I came out of hospital. When I was home, he took the remaining 3 or 4 days of annual leave he had. That was it.
I hope if you can't be honest with your sistern you will at least be honest with him.

Leaving him to cry himself to sleep is so awful. I never sleep trained but I thought you were supposed to go in every few minutes and just reassure them, then leave again? My DDs were in nursery 2 days a week from 1, they did adjust but those first few weeks were awful. The combination of it all will be so unsettling, he will desperately be wanting more comfort and connection in the evenings after being with strangers all day. Mine had a comforter they had at nursery and the same at home (we had multiple!), I slept with it for weeks before nursery started so it smelt like home. This is so sad and can’t be healthy emotionally for him long term.

‘I think each to their own and everyone has to do what works for them’.

No you don’t. You disagree with how she is raising her child.

And that’s ok - I wouldn’t be taking a comforter away from a baby and I couldn’t leave them to scream for 5 mins - but you need to own it and talk to her. She’s sounding at risk of PND.

Sounds like a very difficult situation because both you and your sister are distressed by your nephew although you have no real choice over what happens to him.

It sounds like you’re also worried about your sisters mental state. She sounds exhausated / overwhelmed / not v supported by partner and perhaps is making decisions that she normally would. If her partner is off now could they not reduce the hours that DN is in nursery if he’s so upset whikst there / can’t he hep with some of the bed times? Does your sister have any other support closeby ? Maybe these things need to be explored too. Perhaps she’s worried about going back to work and being sleep deprived and having to do all the child rearing at home hence trying to ensure her child is fully sleep trained ?

I think you’ve been very good at being neutral to date and being supportive. Could you approach it from a “I’m worried about you perspective” - and maybe explore reasons behind some of the more bizarre choices I.e taking away the comforter because he’s too dependent on it but then simultaneously being worried he looks miserable at nursery ?? Perhaps you could gently probe at this which might help her to see that in the short term who cares how dependant he is on a comforter, he’s tiny, experiencing a lot of change and just needs something to settle him - if they all get some sleep they will all feel better.

i don’t think it’s unreasonable to be upfront about your different approaches. “ you’re doing an amazing job we’ve got different ways of doing things and this isn’t a criticism of you as a parent because I’m not doing x,y,z but why are you taking away his comforter” 🤣

Also don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to say “look I fully support all your choices as a Mum but I actually can’t listen to him crying like that when you call, it’s probably harder for me because I’ve never sleep trained. Not a criticism of you, I’m happy to talk to you and here if you need me but can you do it where I don’t have to hear him screaming at the top of his lungs”

good luck it is a tricky situation and contrary to other posters I get exactly where you were coming from - I didn’t think you were being judgemental at all (and I co- slept AND sleep trained and my dc went to nursery from 11 months, 8-6 4 days a week)

The comforter is a transitional item. It helps kids transition to being independent. It’s really good that the nursery give it all the time as he is going to need this to help him right now. I think as you are an experienced mum that sharing this completely factual information based on science is ok. It’s not judgement, it’s purely information.

Same with the sleep training. Most “cry it out” methods still involve going back to the baby and patting them ect.., Prehaps you could get her a book that does a bit of crying…what she is going now is very unfeeling. Is she usually like this? Has she bonded well with the baby?

This ^^

Also meant to add that my experience is that first couple of weeks are rocky for nursery but most settle - especially if he’s in 5 days a week. Does she know any other new mums who’ve started at nursery as they will likely be in similar positions? It’s awful thinking of your child being upset without you but then if she’s also willing to leave him crying with AirPods in at night it’s not like she’s not used to him being upset at all. Just needs to reframe it as a settling in period. She can definitely speak to nursery who should be able to tell her if they have concerns / if they think there’s any other strategies that can be used to get him to settle better

Yes this. I'd support her sleep training and nursery principles but would have to say her approach is wrong - and i believe damaging for her son.

You can't comfort a baby too much but you can teach them they're unsafe. Encourage her to restore his comforter and restart sleep training when he's feeling more secure, using a healthier approach rather than letting him scream to exhaustion

I completely understand how carefully you're treading with your sister, and why, but this is absolutely heartbreaking and you must say something/find a way to support her to another approach.

The more recent replies feel like this: by trying so hard not to make DSis feel bad, I feel like I've lost all perspective on DN now and maybe I should have said some things differently. She will often joke when she sees DC things like "oh you're frowning because you're cross with me for shutting your cousin in a room" or "look at him looking at me like that judging me". I think it's her way of saying what she's doing and seeking approval. Like she's made the admission and if we're ok with it, it means it's not that bad.

DSis isn't sleep training alone, she has a sleep trainer and this person advises how she does things

So she’s shutting him the room on his own, and not even letting him have his comforter to soothe himself ?!

I don't think she's wanting reassurance from you, I think she wants you to confirm it's not working well. She's torn between what she thinks and what she is seeing/hearing from her DH. One part of her wants her DH and his "don't bother" style of parenting to be right as it's easier than reflecting on her choice of partner and standing up to him. I don't think she's happy either OP.

What does she say about you co sleeping and being a SAHM? How exactly does she phrase it?

It's time to read between the lines and give her the support she needs to put DS before DH. Oh, and suggest a childminder.

I think you can be honest about your own feelings at these pictures she is sharing. I don’t think it is unreasonable not to want to see so many pictures of your DN unhappy, that’s always hard. Tbh I think I would ask her like a pp what she wants you to say or do when she shows you these images or when she tells you she’s ignoring her son crying. I wonder if she’s so unhappy that she is trying to push you into a row.

Stay out of it and change the subject. Not your problem.. Can't you talk light hearted and tell each other a few jokes it sounds very intense.
Are you the only person she talks too?
I bet nobody else would put up with it.

I just can’t believe how dishonest you are being with her!
She is coming to you for advice, seeking your advice. Why don’t you suggest co-sleeping? Especially as they could keep a strong attachment which is missing in the daytimes.

Why don’t you say, I’m not sure AirPods are helpful here, I can wait while you comfort him?

You don’t need to judge her but you don’t need to pander to her either. Just give her some sisterly advice.

This. 100%. By going along with it you’re enabling her. You should say what you really feel for his sake, and soon. It sounds like she trusts you and rates your opinion so you can gently suggest e.g. not letting the baby cry himself to sleep, reduce the nursery hours or get 121 care. The air pods comment leaves me cold… that poor little baby, crying and feeling so alone in the dark. What a way to create attachment disorders. Please step in xx

I'm a NICU mom too, though sadly my twins didnt make it. But with your new update you absolutely need to cut back with your sister. The NICU is a tough one, All the beeps, the wires, the ups and downs, desats never leave you and I know the tension regarding your nephew must be hard. By all means dont cut contact, you love her, but protect yourself too. I'm exactly the same when I see people complaining, the NICU mom in me comes to life but I know as well thats my issue. That said you are entitled to protect yourself too. Hope your little one has a good few months ahead with uocoming treatments xx

Honestly, having read your post about your ow child having spent two months in NICU and his ongoing health problems, I don't know why you feel you have to be such a cheerleader for her parenting style (which personally I think sounds horrific). Can you not gently say some of what you have put in your posts here to her - that she needs to appreciate how lucky she is?

Also, why on earth is her baby in nursery for 10 hours, 5 days a week when she hasn't even gone back to work yet?! There needs to be a settling-in period but this is ridiculous!