To not know how to deal with DSis anymore

[dodomin]

DSis and I are very very close. We speak multiple times a day and share every little thing. Our DCs are born 4 months apart from each other. DN is older than my DS

DSis is due to return to work full time next month. I've tried to be as supportive as I can so far in the run up. She feels very guilty for starting off DN at nursery a couple of months ago (to make sure he settles in well). Lots of family saying he's too young for 10 hours at nursery at 8 months etc. But I know the guilt from when I was contemplating the same for DD (now 3). In the end I chose to be a SAHM. DSis also has that option open to her but doesn't want to do that. And so I've told her she's making the right decision for her family, DN will get to have so many experiences that she won't be able to give him at home, she will be refreshed and a better mum for it etc. Everything I can think of. But really, I feel sad for DN. But I would never say that to my DSis because the whole thing is hard enough as it is.

Anyway, she also sleep trained DN (closing the door and letting him sleep on his own, if he cries they don't intercede) from 7 months. Again, I was super supportive, but internally I felt sad for DN. Initially DN was great at this and so it was easy to be supportive. For the past month, he's been screaming in his cot and DSis puts her air pods in and calls me to ignore the noise.

And then she keeps screenshotting her photos from DN's nursery app with photos of DN looking miserable (her words, not mine, although I do agree) and his face swollen from crying. She keeps saying how sad he looks, she thinks he's depressed, she feels like a monster etc. I said its just early days and he'll enjoy it the more used to it he gets.

And then she's taken his comforter away from him that he uses to sleep because she doesn't want him to get too dependent on it as she feels nursery just give it to him all the time. And he cries hysterically now because he wants it.

I think if I didn't have children of my own around the same age, I'd be able to handle this better. I am the total opposite to DSis - I co sleep (please no judgement, it works for us, we all get sleep and we like it), I cuddle DCs to sleep, I think it's ok to have a comforter. I think each to their own and everyone has to do what works for them. Maybe it's hormones/I'm too wet/ emotional, I don't know. But I just can't handle it anymore. And on top to keep saying to her she's doing the right thing... I just don't want to hear all this stuff that I feel is too harsh for a 10 month old and I just don't want to see all these photos of him being upset... but also I don't want to say anything that will make DSis feel bad about her decisions when she already feels guilty. What do I do? :(

That’s just so sad. Someone charging her money to tell her to ignore her kid crying! It’s normal for babies to wake at night. I couldn’t listen to my sister tell my stuff like that I’d have to tell her my thoughts.

Do you think she is in a controlling relationship? Does she have a choice with sleep training etc

I think it's definately for the best, for this baby, to be in the care of trained nursery staff.

Hopefully they will give lot's of comfort/cuddles to this wee soul

I agree - unless you're on minimum wage, I do think that it's possible to plan financially and/or make short term sacrifices not to work full time when babies are small.

I know it's hard to hear this but having children is not a right. You need to be able to meet their basic needs for a secure attachment, comfort, a consistent presence, continuity, being near someone who loves them. If you can't do that - well, I just don't believe that your desire to have babies overrules their right to those things. I know it's shit on an individual level but the fact that no-one seems to say this out loud, and the 'do what works for you, babe' pablums that people feel obliged to spout are not doing this generation of babies, parents, or society overall any favours at all.

We were paying nearly half of our income on housing costs and it was ok. Hard, but ok. We saved and lived in a 1.25 bed in a not great part of town. We had a 25yo car, no luxuries, shopped at the market, no new clothes/ makeup, supermarket toiletries, everything else off eBay etc. I see with my own eyes what younger women consider to be the minimum for a 'good life' and it is very very different from even 25 years ago. You've been made to feel like that by a form of capitalism that has to relentlessly expand its base of consumers in order to survive, but it's bollocks.

And yes, I would be fine with you taking benefits if you're on a very low income @Happycarbooter. Absolutely fine.

I understand that women are often penalised over their lifetime because they have stepped away from their careers. But that is a social injustice that we can and should be able to fix in other ways - either politically, or by actually holding fathers to account and insisting that any career damage caused by what in the end is a few years of part-time work is shared equally between the parents. We shouldn't fix it at the expense of infants.

Sounds like she is completely burnt out and is therefore struggling with express her empathy for her baby but also like she is desperate for someone to intervene because she’s struggling so much.

Can you invite her over for a weekend without her DH and see how she is coping day to day.

These things aren’t much in isolation but together there is a lot of contradiction.

Hiring a sleep trainer is a perfect example of my point about the consumer 'machine' that both creates and milks the system - she's having to pay someone else to crush her baby's instinctive need for comfort, just in order to be able to work full-time so that she can pay someone else to do X, and so on and so on.

Although I very much doubt that a sleep trainer is telling her to leave her baby to scream alone in a room, jfc.

What does she say about her husband?

I don’t think it’s reassurance about her parenting she wants, I wonder if it’s confirmation that her husband is rubbish? Tread carefully though, depending on how you answered my first question.

Your DSis sounds as if she has a husband problem. From what you've written:

• He's taking paternity leave now the baby is going to be in nursery full time.

Who does that???? It's a piss-take.

• He's pushing the sleep training

I agree with PP that sleep training is usually about a gradual retreat. The baby still needs comfort and to be taught that the caregiver returns and responds periodically. I find it concerning that a so-called professional sleep training consultant would recommend such an old-fashioned approach as to fully ignore the baby. It is not only horrible for the baby but clearly also horrible for the mum.

• He's financially controlling and this is why your sister feels increased need to return to work.

This is a massive problem!

Your sister's relationship with her partner/husband sounds concerning in respect of potential coercive and controlling behaviour.

I would focus on this issue rather than the baby nephew issue. I would also suggest to your sister that she speaks to her health visitor. The health visitor may be able to pick up if there is some post-natal depression or anxiety going on.

Meh. She is a better parent than her sister, she doesn't need us to tell us that.

Op try to be tactful and suggest his comforter at least may be useful when he's going through so many changes seen as that's what her faux guilt seems to be based around to take the focus away from all the other shitty things she's doing to him.....it's not much but it will help the poor little soul a little.

She might be a better parent but she's not a good person if she sits there on the phone listening to an eight month baby getting abused and does nothing. Better still she actually offers reassurance.

Hi all,

Thank you, there's so many replies here and really helpful too.

I told my mum this morning and she doesn't blame my sister for how she is. She thinks BIL is the culprit and if he were a bit more helpful DSis could have reduced her hours at least.

Also, at each of the points - whenever they first happened, I did tell DSis how I truly felt. For example, with the sleep training, I said I felt DN was too young, and also how much comfort babies get from being held, cuddled etc. But ultimately she chose to go down that route and I haven't since reminded her how I feel about it truly. DSis isn't even benefitting from sleeping training really as BIL keeps her up with his snoring so she doesn't sleep anyway.

WRT nursery, I asked about his hours and why do early on. And she said she wanted to get the flat organised before starting work.

I've always told her how I feel.aboit the comforter and if he can't have cuddles for bedtime then at least he can get some comfort with his comforter. I spoke to her today about it again following replies on here but she really doubled down and is confident in her decision. She said it's in his mouth all the time and it's picking up rubbish off the floor, how it has made him have diarrhoea and nursery give it to him beyond naptime. I didn't push it.

I agree, I can't stand BIL. I find him selfish and a bit of a big baby. He is in a mood if things aren't exactly as he likes. He has no appreciation of the work it takes to raise a baby and his comment since starting pat leave yesterday was that DSis came and slept after picking up DN from nursery and that's how day 1 of his leave went. I said it's probably the first time she's been able to do that these past 10 months.

DSis birthday was 4 weeks after DN was born. I organised a spa lady to come to the house (she was at my mum's for the first month) and BIL had a whole tantrum that DSis wasn't watching the baby. It was only a 90minute thing and he actually cried and made a scene.

Your sister is on her knees and is reduced to making some very hard choices for her own survival. In your position, we would have a family meeting and coordinate a way to support her so she can rest, sleep and have some time to get her flat sorted out. Her useless partner needs to go, did he actually cry because she wanted a 90 minute break or are you joking? He sounds unstable and a total deadweight.

wtf? He cried?

He did cry. My mum told me this morning. Apparently he made such a scene and was in a bad mood. He is a bit weird, there's many family occasions where he sort of just sits quietly stewing or in a mood. DSis doesn't usually complain about him but when she does lots of details come out that we previously thought weren't issues.

Edit to add: my mum this morning said not to say anything about BIL to DSis otherwise that would cause problems for them. She said to say how I feel about all the DN issues though

I feel very sorry for the baby at the centre of all of this, is there anyone that can look after him regularly to give him some sense of security and well being?

Just wanted to add DSIs does care about her baby but I think she's been convinced by BIL that some things are normal or become a bit immune to it after doing it as normal.

She painstakingly weaned him and cares about what he eats and is very careful.
She does a very careful skincare routine and he uses luxury brand baby creams
She always makes sure he's well dressed, clean and groomed
She researches everything play related very carefully and has organised his play space very nicely and is trying to do open ended play with him
He goes to the best nursery and will go to one of the best private schools in London

I think re daycare, she is in a work environment where everyone's children either do those hours or have a nanny and so to her it doesn't feel like she's doing anything unusual. I am not in the same line of work but I do know most of my friends feel like the general sentiment in this thread and so I wonder if part of the problem is environment and what everyone ends up being used to is the norm.

I worked for 2 private nurseries and left them both as It upset me seeing babies and toddlers in distress for hours on end and the ratio of adults to children was insane. My advice is to advise her to go part time so she can experience her baby.
I've witnessed baby's first words, walking and all the joys the parents missed out on so they could clock in more hours in the office and sat with their baby waiting for mum when they are asleep so they get zero interaction with mum at all.
Childcare is a lifeline to many parents however I feel if they can afford to then staying at home is best.. attending toddler groups and swims. Shes missing out on sooo much when you said she can easily stay at home. Truly baffles me.

OP, it’s good you are telling her what you really think about her way of doing things. Just make sure you do keep reiterating your feelings each time she mentions it. Let her know you disagree, as a matter of fact way rather than in a judgy way.
She is seeking your approval/validation rather than your support so make sure you are true to your own values and thoughts. Your mum should do the same.

Have you had the courage yet, to tell her how very uneasy you feel when you receive all the photos and hear all the stories describing your nephew’s sadness and his desperate cries for comfort and affection.
Your silence on the matter probably speaks volumes to her…giving her the wrong message entirely. She deserves to know how strongly you dislike receiving the photos and that sad sort of news and why.
Give her the full picture from your point of view very clearly so that you don’t regret not haging done so, further down the line.

With a husband like that, I fully understand your feelings about wanting to support her. It is a very unusual set up for and her baby at home.

She was about to tell me something negative but I stopped her and said I don't think I can handle any more sad things about DN anymore. I don't think she got it though because she was saying DN can feed himself his own food now and then said "sorry, you don't want to hear sad stuff anymore". I said that wasn't sad and it's a lovely new skill he's picked up... Just writing that and in hindsight, I can't really believe she thinks I thought that was a sad thing though

It sounds like BIL is largely the issue here. Personally, I'd try and focus on that and hopefully she will see sense eventually. With some added gentle comments regarding sleep training incorrectly and the comfort blanket.

I'd absolutely not encourage going part time or giving up her financial independence completely with having a DH as you describe. She needs her career for protection and hopefully in time, to enable her to leave him.

It does sound like her DH is manipulating her into doing things the way he wants.

All I get from this is that she's throwing a load of money about to try cover for the fact that he's going to spend nearly all of his waking hours in childcare. If they have private school money then they can afford for her not to work full time.

She’s your sister, if you can’t tell her she’s been a fucking cruel bitch then who can? Who the hell leaves a baby to scream like that? FFS.

Stop justifying you are allowing your nephew to be neglected.

Your BIL knows nothing, its like its a child is seen and not heard. You've already mentioned your nephew is silent........

Get a fucking backbone and tell your sister her parenting is not normal!!!!

Like I said in my previous post, you are accomplice to this neglect.