To not know how to deal with DSis anymore

[dodomin]

DSis and I are very very close. We speak multiple times a day and share every little thing. Our DCs are born 4 months apart from each other. DN is older than my DS

DSis is due to return to work full time next month. I've tried to be as supportive as I can so far in the run up. She feels very guilty for starting off DN at nursery a couple of months ago (to make sure he settles in well). Lots of family saying he's too young for 10 hours at nursery at 8 months etc. But I know the guilt from when I was contemplating the same for DD (now 3). In the end I chose to be a SAHM. DSis also has that option open to her but doesn't want to do that. And so I've told her she's making the right decision for her family, DN will get to have so many experiences that she won't be able to give him at home, she will be refreshed and a better mum for it etc. Everything I can think of. But really, I feel sad for DN. But I would never say that to my DSis because the whole thing is hard enough as it is.

Anyway, she also sleep trained DN (closing the door and letting him sleep on his own, if he cries they don't intercede) from 7 months. Again, I was super supportive, but internally I felt sad for DN. Initially DN was great at this and so it was easy to be supportive. For the past month, he's been screaming in his cot and DSis puts her air pods in and calls me to ignore the noise.

And then she keeps screenshotting her photos from DN's nursery app with photos of DN looking miserable (her words, not mine, although I do agree) and his face swollen from crying. She keeps saying how sad he looks, she thinks he's depressed, she feels like a monster etc. I said its just early days and he'll enjoy it the more used to it he gets.

And then she's taken his comforter away from him that he uses to sleep because she doesn't want him to get too dependent on it as she feels nursery just give it to him all the time. And he cries hysterically now because he wants it.

I think if I didn't have children of my own around the same age, I'd be able to handle this better. I am the total opposite to DSis - I co sleep (please no judgement, it works for us, we all get sleep and we like it), I cuddle DCs to sleep, I think it's ok to have a comforter. I think each to their own and everyone has to do what works for them. Maybe it's hormones/I'm too wet/ emotional, I don't know. But I just can't handle it anymore. And on top to keep saying to her she's doing the right thing... I just don't want to hear all this stuff that I feel is too harsh for a 10 month old and I just don't want to see all these photos of him being upset... but also I don't want to say anything that will make DSis feel bad about her decisions when she already feels guilty. What do I do? :(

@dodomin I couldn't just sit back and not say anything while my sister neglects her baby! Just letting him cry with no confort is so cruel! As is taking away his pacifier.

I think your sister is a horrible mum who's not capable of nurturing/caring for her son. It's a good thing he's in nursery because he will probably get more love in there than he does at home.

If she felt that guilty he wouldn't have been in nursery for 50 hours a week when it wasn't needed, she wouldn't be chatting on the phone while he's screaming in a room with the door shut without a comforter and she wouldn't be sending pictures of him in distress at nursery. What she's doing is cruel, regardless of wether she's depressed or her husband is encouraging it. That poor baby

It’s time to change your tune a little; start saying that she should look at alternatives

Suggest that BIL is the drop off and pick up parent for DN.
For the first two months of childcare DN can have a much shorter day in care and BIL can have their evening meal prepared and be on top of the laundry and shopping and getting up at night.
Suggest that your DSis asks her DH to be the number one parent for DN

Tbh I would definitely judge someone for putting AirPods in to drown out their child crying themselves to sleep

Your poor sister must hate herself, she desperately needs to hear that she does not have to do all this. Her DH & 'sleep trainer' seem to exert a hold over her and the 'cousin comments' she makes are a cry for help.

I’m not sure I’m following timelines properly but by the sounds of it, she’s doing a lot of things that put stress on a baby almost at once: sleep training, starting full time nursery, taking away comforter. Each should be introduced slow and gently and only once the child has settled. It’s too much for your DN and honestly, I’d raise this somehow. Maybe via your mum?

I understand why you want to be supportive, but I think you are mistaken in not telling her what you think about the comforter. It sounds really cruel to me to deprive the baby of his source of comfort at such a young age, when he has so many other disturbing things going on in his life. Surely she could tell the nursery to only give it to him when he goes down for a nap. Or why can’t she say he doesn’t have one at nursery, but still give him one at home at night?

Being a supportive sister can include telling her when you disagree with her, when it’s something she could easily change.

Nothing is worth that? It has to happen to enable parents to go to work and put food on the table. Some of us don’t have a choice as we don’t have a ‘village’ so are doing the best we can to provide for our families. If I didn’t put my child in ‘industrial childcare’ I would be on benefits and living off the taxpayer and I’m sure you wouldn’t like that either! You can’t win!

If it was me id be telling her straight that the skeep training is too harsh and she needs a different nursery.
If also tell her to give the baby back his comforter.

Good lord. Of course the little mite is miserable. If you cant be honest with someone you love what kind of a relationship is that?!

I am by no means a gentle parent, I always had a very firm routine with both my children from babies upwards, I didnt need to sleep train thankfully because they were both excellent sleepers, id say even now they are older I am defo one of the more stricter parents in their year groups but they are happy kids who do well at school, confident and securely attached to me. I have worked with children for 25+ years and discipline, boundaries and routines are key, but what your sis is doing is insane.

Maybe those planning to work such long hours with very young babies should consider saving in advance to have children, so they can spend more of the early years with one parent?

Or not to have children at all if it means working every hour of their waking life? Which is also fine.

It is not okay for babies to suffer because adults haven't planned properly or can't actually afford children. There are always exceptions. Unexpected separations, disastrous financial outcomes etc. We can't ignore the issues of having babies in nurseries from a very young age for 45-50 hours a week.

Definitely pull back from the intense calling of each other.
I would find her treatment of her baby very distressing to listen to.
So many levels of the babies needs not being met.

She married a selfish loser so her judgement seems off.

Stop with the endless support for her doing things that most mums wouldn't dream of doing.

That poor little mite is getting a very tough start.
Endless crying being ignored, his comforter taken from him.
Also adjusting to a creche where the noise level can take getting used to.

Just awful. I certainly wouldn't be giving her oodles of false encouragement that she is doing things that you agree with.

These are her choices, but I wouldn't be falsely telling her I would do the same.

With all that change the baby must be feeling so distressed.
I'm not a psychologist, but I cannot imagine that is good for the babies development.

Sorry, your brother in law has refused before when his son was at home needing care, but decided to take his paternity leave now hes is in nursery all day all week? I dont usually say this but what a fucking arsehole. No wonder your sister is struggling.

Yes you need to calm down. How am I misogynistic 😂

I just operate in the real world rather than as a keyboard warrior. Have a great day, I’m off out with my kids!

I would 100% be supporting dsis to get some bullet proof contraception and to consider leaving her dp, he is a dead weight and it would be grossly unfair to bring anymore children into their shit show.

My first instinct is to be horrified, I parent much like you do except I went back part time when kids were a yr old. However the first year back at work is awful for so many reasons, I was super nurturing and my ds hated his first nursery and every drop off was painful but I needed my job and career and work were not understanding about any of it. They get sick and the being sick is awful but so is the calling in sick and the work fallout and you'd eel.like you're failing at every area of your life and if like me you've only ever been successful at anything you've touched academically or work based it is awful for your self esteem. Now I reacted by changing jobs and reducing hours and not sleeping and wearing myself almost to death. Many people react how your sister is and try to get over the hump quickly by becoming a bit detached. I suspect she's really struggling and feeling a lot of judgement and societal pressures.

Being a sham is hard for other reasons but the first year back at work with a 1 yr old is the worst time I've experienced as a parent.

Research shows it really does matter in the long run. Honestly it sounds cruel, leaving him to cry while she wears earphones, taking away his cuddly animal. Putting him in nursery all week even though he is miserable and she could be with him.
I don’t understand how she can see all those photos of his swollen, post-cry face, and not take him out of the nursery.
Do you think your sister could have PND ? As this level of disconnection from your baby’s distress is not normal.
I don’t understand why you are shoring this up by telling her it’s all great, when it so obviously is not great at all, and she may need to talk to her GP.

@dodomin
Could you suggest that your sister compromises & goes back to work only part time &/or looks into the possibility of a child minder or nanny? That way, she still gets to be herself & have a break/career/financial independence & her son gets more 1:1 care at such a young age.

Maybe move away from the laughing emoji's and ‘calm down dear’ advice for long enough to look up the origins and connotations of the word ‘hysterical’.

I read somewhere it can often be misdiagnosed as ADHD.

It sounds like she needs some emotional help. If she really did long for him and he was a miracle like you say, but she is choosing to leave him to scream for hours and is going back to work even though she doesn’t need to, it sounds like she is overwhelmed and trying to get away. From your first post it sounded like she was a pretty cold person until the updates. Kids can take time to settle into nursery, but with him screaming at night and her taking away his comforter I wouldn’t be surprised if she is creating an attachment disorder. If things don’t improve soon then your support will just be enabling the situation

Hello. It sounds like a tricky situation. I think if the baby originally settled better and now he’s not, there could be something like teething adding to his nighttime difficulties, especially if he’s chewing a lot on his comforter. He may need to do this to help his teeth.
Chewing on something as a baby doesn’t affect speech development. Maybe she’s confusing this with excessive dummy use as a 2-3 year old, which can.
the photos from him being upset at night aren’t fair to you. Could you suggest she sends them to the sleep consultant that she’s hired instead of you. You could maybe say you don’t know anything about sleep training and that the sleep consultant would know more than you, so to ask her.
Maybe sleep consultant doesn’t know quite how upset the baby is.

I recently read The Body Keeps The Score and in there is the idea that trauma can present similarly to ADHD in children. Also that emotional trauma at a young age can change your DNA and cause autoimmune conditions as an adult. After that I read a book about alcoholic parents and the list of “symptoms” of childhood emotional neglect is similar in adulthood to how ASD can present, even down to things like struggling with eye contact. I’m reading novels now because these books are intense and a bit scary that early parenting can have such a big and lasting effect

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. If DN is unhappy then it would be better to postpone going back to work or go back part tine in the beginning until DN is used to it.

I followed attachment parenting so I find the (un)controlled crying technique unbearable. Can’t she do the pick up and put down technique which is so much less stressful.

It seems that BIL is not playing his part parenting properly (and is controlling with the finances) so Dsis feels she needs to get out to work and the way she is doing it calls her parenting into question. This is a good solution for her, but doesn’t work with DN whose needs should be their priority. If BIL doesn’t do more when she starts working how is she going to cope?

if I was you I’d be honest with her. Say that getting him ready to be independent enough to go to nursery full time seems
to be causing him stress and perhaps she should rethink or postpone for now. Every child is different and responding to DNs needs is uppermost at the moment.