To not know how to deal with DSis anymore

[dodomin]

DSis and I are very very close. We speak multiple times a day and share every little thing. Our DCs are born 4 months apart from each other. DN is older than my DS

DSis is due to return to work full time next month. I've tried to be as supportive as I can so far in the run up. She feels very guilty for starting off DN at nursery a couple of months ago (to make sure he settles in well). Lots of family saying he's too young for 10 hours at nursery at 8 months etc. But I know the guilt from when I was contemplating the same for DD (now 3). In the end I chose to be a SAHM. DSis also has that option open to her but doesn't want to do that. And so I've told her she's making the right decision for her family, DN will get to have so many experiences that she won't be able to give him at home, she will be refreshed and a better mum for it etc. Everything I can think of. But really, I feel sad for DN. But I would never say that to my DSis because the whole thing is hard enough as it is.

Anyway, she also sleep trained DN (closing the door and letting him sleep on his own, if he cries they don't intercede) from 7 months. Again, I was super supportive, but internally I felt sad for DN. Initially DN was great at this and so it was easy to be supportive. For the past month, he's been screaming in his cot and DSis puts her air pods in and calls me to ignore the noise.

And then she keeps screenshotting her photos from DN's nursery app with photos of DN looking miserable (her words, not mine, although I do agree) and his face swollen from crying. She keeps saying how sad he looks, she thinks he's depressed, she feels like a monster etc. I said its just early days and he'll enjoy it the more used to it he gets.

And then she's taken his comforter away from him that he uses to sleep because she doesn't want him to get too dependent on it as she feels nursery just give it to him all the time. And he cries hysterically now because he wants it.

I think if I didn't have children of my own around the same age, I'd be able to handle this better. I am the total opposite to DSis - I co sleep (please no judgement, it works for us, we all get sleep and we like it), I cuddle DCs to sleep, I think it's ok to have a comforter. I think each to their own and everyone has to do what works for them. Maybe it's hormones/I'm too wet/ emotional, I don't know. But I just can't handle it anymore. And on top to keep saying to her she's doing the right thing... I just don't want to hear all this stuff that I feel is too harsh for a 10 month old and I just don't want to see all these photos of him being upset... but also I don't want to say anything that will make DSis feel bad about her decisions when she already feels guilty. What do I do? :(

You're not answering questions in order, you are bypassing the ones who tell you this is abuse/neglect......and you are party to it!!

A lot of the things you explained she focuses in on are external. What about his emotional needs? Yes her DH sounds shit but if she is agreeing or convincing herself to do things to her baby that aren’t in his best interests she is also culpable. She can say no.

I don’t think she would go to prison for letting her sister do sleep training.

its not against the nhs, in fact on the sleep page it talks about it as an option.

i am personally not for sleep training whatsoever but its not illegal

And the guidance is for short periods of time, comfort and repeat. Leaving a baby to cry/scream for hours is neglect. Period.

I did this with Dd when she refused to fall asleep anywhere but on the couch, However! I put her to bed kissed her goodnight and told her I loved her, then after 5 min I went up again, she was out of bed screaming, I said ' 'bedtime goodnight' and put her back into bed, same again after 5 mins, about 40 mins in she went quiet, I went up and she was sitting on the floor, quietly looking at a book, I put her back into bed and she stayed there asleep all night. She was about 2, no way would I ever have started much younger, nor would I ever leave her to scream, it's cruel😥She stayed in her own bed ever after

OMG this poor baby!!! 8pmths old and having every thing that comforts him removed and also his own mother ignoring him and him crying till his cheeks are swollen??? I’d be ringing social services on her finally if I knew who the hell she was 😳😳🤬🤬🤬

Your sister is abusing her child and you are agreeing with her instead of telling her this is abuse and neglect and harming him!!!

Please list the questions and I'm happy to answer them.

Edit to add: I am having a shit day so if the posts feel too aggressive I'm probably going to ignore it. I have a lot of helpful advice from the thread, which is what I was seeking so I am happy with that. If the thread gets derailed I might abandon it ultimately but it is mostly because I have the advice I was seeking and secondly, I don't have capacity for aggressiveness towards me.

I have already said I've told her how I feel.

No child should be left to cry hysterically for any length of time. A couple of minutes maybe but no longer. Can she not go part time until he’s older.

My son was a single dad from when my grandaughter was 4 months she was bathed and then cuddled to sleep with her last bottle..she would sleep all through the night she was a little gem.
She is now 5 she has a lovely character she is loving happy contented and confident I don't see anything wrong in your way of doing things .. as long as you have happy kids and can get well earned rest.
Maybe you need to chat with your sis now and say maybe the cuddling to sleep would ease her little one rather than him crying himself to sleep which is what he is doing .. I understand your feelings I couldn't leave a crying baby and put earpods in .
I do feel it makes for an anxious baby not to soothe them x

Why is there always one person who acts like an arsehole... go away.

Have you used the words abuse and neglect? Has your mother? From the scanning of your posts, you have shut down the conversation.

My heart absolutely breaks for your nephew knowing hes put to bed alone and ignored and fobbed off to nursery whilst mum sits at hime instead of bonding with him. Put him 2 half day sessions as week so he is used to the environment, sure. Not 8-6 5 days a week. Hes quiet, sullen and puffy faced at nursery......no bloody wonder and nursery may already be picking up on this.

Can I ask what time does either of his parents spend with him. Presumably being in nursery 8-5 hes up from 6/7am so an hour or so. Then from getting home til bed say 5.30-7pm.

I was a single parent in a highly demanding job with similar 8-5hrs but christ every waking moment was treasured, if she didnt settle, she came in with me in bed. I lived for the.weekends and leave periods. My life revolved around her 110%.

I completely appreciate how you're feeling. If I were to speak my inner most thoughts it can be quite mean towards DSis. Like why did you even bother to have a child if you won't comfort him when he cries. A child's literal birthright is cuddles and comfort. I parent so differently to DSis. My 3 year old woke up sobbing just now and she's cradled on my lap sleeping as I write. And I love that I can give her that comfort. And I love this special moment in our lives where they are so little and our days are filled being silly. And I know these days are numbered. But DSis is just in the trenches and she isn't seeing any of the magic right now.

I haven't used the words abuse and neglect. I dare not make her feel worse than she already does. BIL is so unsupportive and she's been desperate for him to stay and help her but it's been 10 long months alone essentially. I feel like the better she feels, the more energy she will have to be a good mum to DN. Lots of people have advised that I tell her factually how I feel about it. The first couple of years of being a new mum is tough. I admire single mums massively and I can't imagine how hard the hard times can be when alone. I don't feel like using the words abuse and neglect will be productive. She has sought help for her MH but wasn't offered any support by her GP or HV because she wasn't suicidal.

He is dropped off in the morning at 8 so between 6/6.30am-8am they are with him. He gets picked up any time between 3.300m-6pm and his bedtime is 7.30pm-8.00pm.

BIL has told her that they can't afford it. DH, DM, DB, everyone who knows them thinks they can afford to. But I think BIL is focussed on numbers and not impacting how much they save per month etc. DSis doesn't get a say is the impression I get.

I don't expect ANY (many?) of you to believe this at all. I was born early April, 1946. My dad was demobbed Aug/Sep '46 (only found that out quite recently). My mum decided to wean me before he came home. She told her only friend this (in my presence [I was only a baby & couldn't understand]), I remember the friend was horrified - it's the emotion I remember, not any of the words. She put me onto bottle-feeds. I REMEMBER that first bottle - it felt huge yet unimpressive - it delivered a lot of food/milk very quickly (I clearly had a strong suck), but was obscurely disappointing (no breast comfort). She also decided to leave me to cry if I cried at night (Truby King days: sleep trainer, let 'em cry), which had previously not been the case. I REMEMBER the night he came home: two silhouettes over my cot. After that I was left to cry at night. I REMEMBER the awful despair as I sobbed into a space of hopelessness when no-one came to comfort me. Not once, but many times. Later when I was about 4yrs old, the neighbours across the road mentioned, in my presence, that they used to hear me crying & yelling for hours at night. All I can remember was the deep hopelessness.

Work it out. I was 6 / 7months old. Pre-verbal. Yet I REMEMBER it. Inchoately? yes. Felt, as opposed to cloaked in words. Pre-conceptual. But I remember it.
Dear OP, please stop telling your DSis that she's doing her best as a mother. She isn't. Your DN's attachment bonds are being formed NOW. Your DSis needs to sort out her priorities.

He's autistic

I know this isn't the purpose of this thread but I think I'm.so at capacity right now. Today my son's surgeon told us if we wanted more children the likelihood of our next child having what he has is 1in10. I so desperately wanted another sibling for my DC. DH says it's not a no because it's still 90% chance that everything will be ok. But we just can't cope with another DC with the same condition as DS.l and you can only find out after birth. It wouldn't be fair on DD or DS. I feel so sad and just mourning for a life we didn't get. I've been sobbing all day and I don't have it in me to be gracious towards my DSis in this thread or elsewhere. I feel so sick with sadness right now. I'm so tired of being strong.

Your sister has a husband problem. It also sounds like he controls finances. If she didn’t have those issues she would probably be parenting in a different way. She needed help and hasn’t had any.

she is trying her best and not meaning I agree with any of the things she is doing (it sounds so neglectful to me and I was brought up neglectfully) her trying her best and getting back to work gives her options. That gives her the option to leave her poor excuse for a husband in the future and have a much brighter life.

OP, leave the thread, focus on you,

Just wanted to offer some support OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this

That’s shocking news for you today OP.
I’m really sorry you have to face this awful, heartbreaking dilemma.
It makes it doubly difficult to deal with your sister and BIL’s neglect of their son.
And this also, has been a long hard thread for you to have to face in the last few days.

I agree that at these hard times you save your strength and energy for yourself and your child.
But, if your sister does happen to selfishly call seeking validation and assurances over her parenting, I think you actually should let the word ‘neglect’ slip into the conversation.

Your sister has to face her marriage problems if she wants to do right by her child. She’s looking for the easy way out by passing the responsibility for hurting her son on to you. She puts the burden on your shoulders.
It is clearly too much for you to deal with right now so please be honest, direct and tell her the way you see it, if she happens to call. Reject the extra burden she puts on you.

“No sis, I can never approve of the way you bring up DN so please stop looking for me to do that. It isn’t alright as you must well know, deep down. I find your way incredibly neglectful and cruel and I’m no longer willing to condone it. Find a less harsh way. If that means facing up to your DH, then you must do so. You can not continue to allow your son to be crying for survival and still neglect those cries. You alone, can help him. Don’t call me back until you have made plans to fix things for your son.

You have had to face the cold hard facts about your situation today OP. You are sad and shocked and exhausted with the worry of it but you will survive.
Your sister will also survive the severe wake up call she needs.

Wishing you nothing but the best.x

@dodomin after your last update just sending support, hugs.
It sounds so incredibly tough and you’re doing an amazing job as a mother. As others have said your sister will have to be put on the back burner here. People have very strong thoughts and feelings about all sorts of parenting decisions. As a healthcare provider I can assure you that sleep training especially with a qualified sleep trainer is not neglect or abuse. It sounds like how your sister is doing it is a bit extreme esp with the comforter thing but I don’t want you to feel especially with some of the comments on this thread that this is now your responsibility to fix. Your DN is not in immediate danger from what you have said. He has two parents - one who sounds burnt out and overwhelmed and one who is a bit rubbish at being a partner / dad but again many have / will grow up with worse.

Tell your sister / group chats that you need a bit of space as you’ve have some news you weren't expecting and you will catch up with people when you feel ready to. Then enjoy precious time with your children and husband with some nice days out or even inside dojng things you all enjoy. It does sound like your sisters life is taking precedent and she may be a bit self obsessed / ignorant. One of my biggest bug bears is people complaining about things and then not wanting to heed advice when it’s given - it’s not fair for her to keep calling you with your nephew screaming in the other room, complaining about how awful she feels but then declining to do anything different. Perhaps she doesn’t realise how badly this is affecting you but I do think one thing you can control is how much of it you hear / let it affect. Take back control with some space and focus on your own family for a little while. Then dip back in if you need/ want to when it feels right for you and you are emotional strong enough.

Just wondering if there’s any support for parents of children with the condition your child has got? Often the paediatric team can offer this or even psychological therapy? There may be social media groups too? You might find it useful to speak to others goijg through something similar.

all the best x

@Kittylickingplate @FantasyFoodhall @LAMPS1 @Theboymolefoxandhorse
Thank you everyone for your kind support.

@Theboymolefoxandhorse there are online support groups and I rejoined Facebook recently so I could participate in them. They're a good and bad thing. The medical team advise against it because I suppose a bit like online reviews, people mostly use them seeking help at the worst times so it can be a bit scary on there. That said it is helpful to be able to reach out to such a community for advice and tips on how to manage the condition.

By way of update on DSis. She has asked nursery to stop giving him his comforter but they said they will give it to him if he is very upset and DSis isn't happy they aren't listening to her. I said if there's nobody available to comfort him the way she wants (cuddles etc) then surely a comforter is better than nothing. She said he's learned to sleep without it now. I feel like she's got a load of fecal matter for brains right now.

At least it sounds like a good nursery with insightful staff who are prepared to put your baby nephew first. You can be comforted by that fact OP.