To not know how to deal with DSis anymore

[dodomin]

DSis and I are very very close. We speak multiple times a day and share every little thing. Our DCs are born 4 months apart from each other. DN is older than my DS

DSis is due to return to work full time next month. I've tried to be as supportive as I can so far in the run up. She feels very guilty for starting off DN at nursery a couple of months ago (to make sure he settles in well). Lots of family saying he's too young for 10 hours at nursery at 8 months etc. But I know the guilt from when I was contemplating the same for DD (now 3). In the end I chose to be a SAHM. DSis also has that option open to her but doesn't want to do that. And so I've told her she's making the right decision for her family, DN will get to have so many experiences that she won't be able to give him at home, she will be refreshed and a better mum for it etc. Everything I can think of. But really, I feel sad for DN. But I would never say that to my DSis because the whole thing is hard enough as it is.

Anyway, she also sleep trained DN (closing the door and letting him sleep on his own, if he cries they don't intercede) from 7 months. Again, I was super supportive, but internally I felt sad for DN. Initially DN was great at this and so it was easy to be supportive. For the past month, he's been screaming in his cot and DSis puts her air pods in and calls me to ignore the noise.

And then she keeps screenshotting her photos from DN's nursery app with photos of DN looking miserable (her words, not mine, although I do agree) and his face swollen from crying. She keeps saying how sad he looks, she thinks he's depressed, she feels like a monster etc. I said its just early days and he'll enjoy it the more used to it he gets.

And then she's taken his comforter away from him that he uses to sleep because she doesn't want him to get too dependent on it as she feels nursery just give it to him all the time. And he cries hysterically now because he wants it.

I think if I didn't have children of my own around the same age, I'd be able to handle this better. I am the total opposite to DSis - I co sleep (please no judgement, it works for us, we all get sleep and we like it), I cuddle DCs to sleep, I think it's ok to have a comforter. I think each to their own and everyone has to do what works for them. Maybe it's hormones/I'm too wet/ emotional, I don't know. But I just can't handle it anymore. And on top to keep saying to her she's doing the right thing... I just don't want to hear all this stuff that I feel is too harsh for a 10 month old and I just don't want to see all these photos of him being upset... but also I don't want to say anything that will make DSis feel bad about her decisions when she already feels guilty. What do I do? :(

I can understand bristling at having your parenting choices questioned. But failure to see related family ask questions or gently advocate for your baby as anything other than care or concern is silly.

you can just say “this is what works for us” if you think you are doing the right thing. But unless you know this person is a secret enemy why assume bad faith? These are people who love you and your baby.

Most pp deem it very neglectful. I am not sure if you are reading the same thread. It is cruel to leave such a young baby to scream alone. Preserving the relationship is about trust and honesty, lying to someone to support their abusive behaviour will not lead to a good outcome.

Protecting the baby should come before the relationship at this point.

I think the fact you think it comes across as self-righteous says more about you than it does about OP. I have been in a similar situation and I know how gut-wrenching it is.

I didn’t get that at all from any of OP’s posts, nor that she’s ’self righteous’. She’s in a difficult situation and posted for advice, which she seems to be getting - from most posters anyway. Comments like yours make me wonder why anyone seeks advice from MN any more. No advice, just insult and run.

This. I don’t see why anyone who knows these people wouldn’t express some gentle concern.

they are you family. I don’t think any of my close family would ignore something concerning around a child in our family. People miss things, are tired, caught up, distracted.

It won’t be forgotten, it’s called attachment trauma. The whole society has to bear the consequence. Therapy is expensive.

Maybe tell her removing a comforter from her child at the same time as sending him to nursery is unfair. DC needs a transitional object just now to cope with separation from her. You don't have to agree with all she says she must know you don't as your parenting is very different.

You just have to suck it up and say what she needs you to say. You can't judge, you can't.
I know how hard it is, I am a co sleeping, extended breast feeding mother of 6. My daughter is super strict with her child but it is her child so I completely support her. I had my time, this is hers.
You have my sympathies but just keep it to yourself.

What did you two talk about before your babies? I think you may look back and realise how much time having fun with your own baby you’ve missed while she’s going on about the same problems every day without doing anything that could help.

make other friends, go out in the fresh air, I’m not saying drop your sister but you could perhaps say we’re going round in circles here, change it or stop going on about it … in kinder words but don’t let her ruin this precious time for you.

To be honest, she sounds bonkers. Babies cry because it's their only way of communicating they are unhappy, not for the fun of it. Getting a child ready for nursery by sending them full time 5 days a weeks is never going to help the child, is it? It would have made much more sense to start at one or two days a week. If the nursery is leaving him to cry till his face is swollen on a regular basis, it's not a very good nursery, and its even more mad taking away the one thing he can have at nursery that he finds comforting. Likewise closing the door on him and consistently ignoring him when he is screaming is basically teaching him that mummy doesn't care. What if he's screaming because he's ill or in pain?

The awful thing is, she may end up with a quiet baby and think she's succeeded. But he will be like those poor quiet little Romanian orphans, who don't cry because they've learnt that no-one will come.

I think I sit somewhere between the two of you, I did sleep train but I stayed with them was torture for me but they didn't feel abandoned ( also did it when they were well over a year old). I work 3 days a week and had either my mum or a childmonder to look after them. I am all for what works for ppl and know not everyone has a choice but 5 days a week 8-6 especially when they don't need to I really struggle with. If she really feels that guilty why doesn't she compromise, work 4 days a week and why is he in so early before she goes back to work. I now they need to settle in nursery but that seems excessive. I think I would gently suggest I let sendonf them a few days a week for now even if they are paying for full time. Encourage her to enjoy her baby.

That is with respect utterly false and if you’d look on the best start for life or tiny happy people or the lullaby trust all of them do not recommended sleep training a baby under 12 months. And certainly not this very harsh full Ferber method. That baby is at still at a high risks of SIDS and your comment is so hard headed.

babies wake in the night for survival.

that baby is not being responded to and so it’s brain will wire itself to have an insecure attachment an unsafe amount of cortisol flooding its body. The baby is learning NO ONE COMES when they cry. This is critical
to healthy brain development that when a baby cries it is sensitively and warmly responded to. Critical in the first year of life. And into the second.

I am stunned you think try way you do.

Thank isn’t going after 2 minutes and soothing her baby. She’s is fully abandoning the child to exhaust itself to sleep. It’s cruel.

I would definitely tell my sister that a comforter is fine for such a young child, and she's unnecessarily making things harder for herself and her DS by not allowing it. Maybe if he's still clutching it by the time he's heading to junior school, it's time for an intervention, but right now he's still a baby.

I think we all know the answer to that !!

I would NOT be telling her all this is okay. Its really not

We did some sleep training with oldest but nothing like this. Youngest was in nicu for 2 months and we couldnt bear to do it. He sleeps better than the oldest now at 2 and 4

And then she's taken his comforter away from him that he uses to sleep because she doesn't want him to get too dependent on it as she feels nursery just give it to him all the time.

Wtf??? This is bizarre and honestly wrong.
The speech argument is horseshit
Both my kids have a comforter baba and gaggi and ime this isnt helping anything.

For a baby that young id be encouraging her to look at childminders not a nursery.
If you can find a good one (IME they tend to be the older ones) it can be an excellent solution.

Generously I'd say she is sleep deprived desperate and not thinking straiggt.
I'd also recommend she try and access a therapist via her / her DHs private healthcare. If they earn possibly nanny money they likely have this.
It really helped me with the transition (I also felt hit by a bus with no 1)

the husband sounds like a bit of a uselss arsehole so going back prob is the "right" thing to do.
Most places let you use accrued annual leave to do 4 days for a month or 2...

You might also find dsis responds with relief when you tell her she has permission to say no to the nursery place, no to her dreadful husband, gathers up her son as he cries and holds him close, she needs support to be able to experience nurturing him and making her own choices for him. She has expressed a lot of doubt for good reason! You have soothed her rather than validated her concerns.

I think I'd share my opinion non-judgementally, rather than pretend I agree. Along the lines, 'Oh you could give him his comforter. He's only a baby, it is there to soothe him so can't do harm.' Or just share your own attitude. 'Honestly, I love snuggling up with DC, and their giggles are like a happy drug for me, so I find any excuse for an extra cuddle, or way to get them laughing.'

Inside I'd be repulsed by her behaviour. I hate parents who think letting babies feel lonely, ignored, unhappy and unsoothed is character building.

Its incredibly hard to watch a child you love parented in a way you disagree with and feel causes them distress. Unless it crosses into abuse, you're supposed to mind your own business, accept without question their parents know best and so on. But that's not easy, because its not always true.
I think the bedtime routine sounds harsh and cruel and is clearly not working anyway. So as an adult who loves the child, I'd speak up about that.
Nursery is different as there is no guarantee this will distress your DN. You are projecting here from what you believe may be the case. However, many babies and young children are perfectly happy in a good nursery and he may be one of them.
I'd speak out only on observed negative impact on the child. That way, you speak about what is, rather than from bias in favour of your own parenting style.

This.

Why are you minimising your own struggles and views on life? Why do you think hers are superior enough not to be challenged? What support is SHE offering YOU after your traumatic start?

I think if you scratch the surface you may find some uncomfortable feelings about your relationship and perhaps this is the trigger which will redefine how “close” you really are

Assuming the details are true, you've put so many identifying facts in your post I don't think you'll need to worry about how to deal with her. There's every chance she'll see the post and save you the job.

a few more years of this self centered parenting will lead to a very difficult child to manage. It won’t magically create a balanced family environment for happy holidays etc. The kid will be hard work for years to come, mostly due to lack of attachment and caring parents.

It sounds horrific parenting to be blunt. I actually wonder if she’s saying some things to you to get permission to do things differently. If she was happy with her choices, why would she keep bringing them up. I think she sounds at risk and your poor nephew - I feel uncomfortable reading about this, never mind being actually involved. I would really gently say have your considered other options when she brings it up and that you feel for your nephew. Her husband took parental leave and left his (under one) child for forty hours a week? Neither of them sound like they are coping and I wonder does she need some support - maybe to access it through public health nurse or GP to see if they can direct her to a specialist therapist etc.

anyone can call themselves a sleep trainer which is why some vulnerable parents get damaging advice like your sister

Your poor nephew, he's being emotionally neglected and that's going to have life long consequences for him.

You've had some good answers on here about changing your response to help your sister and your nephew, please don't do nothing.

I'd not keep a puppy or foal the way she's keeping her baby, it would develop all kinds of separation anxiety and displacement behaviours.

Your brother in law is a knob.

Not sure I'd quite agree with your latter paragraph from my safeguarding training both as a doctor and foster carer. There's a fair amount of evidence now on long term implications of ACE (adverse childhood events) particularly in the under 3s. She'd likely warrantvl instigating a safe guarding referral for review

I understand why OP is treading carefully. How can she protect the baby if she doesn't have a relationship with her sister?