To not know how to deal with DSis anymore

[dodomin]

DSis and I are very very close. We speak multiple times a day and share every little thing. Our DCs are born 4 months apart from each other. DN is older than my DS

DSis is due to return to work full time next month. I've tried to be as supportive as I can so far in the run up. She feels very guilty for starting off DN at nursery a couple of months ago (to make sure he settles in well). Lots of family saying he's too young for 10 hours at nursery at 8 months etc. But I know the guilt from when I was contemplating the same for DD (now 3). In the end I chose to be a SAHM. DSis also has that option open to her but doesn't want to do that. And so I've told her she's making the right decision for her family, DN will get to have so many experiences that she won't be able to give him at home, she will be refreshed and a better mum for it etc. Everything I can think of. But really, I feel sad for DN. But I would never say that to my DSis because the whole thing is hard enough as it is.

Anyway, she also sleep trained DN (closing the door and letting him sleep on his own, if he cries they don't intercede) from 7 months. Again, I was super supportive, but internally I felt sad for DN. Initially DN was great at this and so it was easy to be supportive. For the past month, he's been screaming in his cot and DSis puts her air pods in and calls me to ignore the noise.

And then she keeps screenshotting her photos from DN's nursery app with photos of DN looking miserable (her words, not mine, although I do agree) and his face swollen from crying. She keeps saying how sad he looks, she thinks he's depressed, she feels like a monster etc. I said its just early days and he'll enjoy it the more used to it he gets.

And then she's taken his comforter away from him that he uses to sleep because she doesn't want him to get too dependent on it as she feels nursery just give it to him all the time. And he cries hysterically now because he wants it.

I think if I didn't have children of my own around the same age, I'd be able to handle this better. I am the total opposite to DSis - I co sleep (please no judgement, it works for us, we all get sleep and we like it), I cuddle DCs to sleep, I think it's ok to have a comforter. I think each to their own and everyone has to do what works for them. Maybe it's hormones/I'm too wet/ emotional, I don't know. But I just can't handle it anymore. And on top to keep saying to her she's doing the right thing... I just don't want to hear all this stuff that I feel is too harsh for a 10 month old and I just don't want to see all these photos of him being upset... but also I don't want to say anything that will make DSis feel bad about her decisions when she already feels guilty. What do I do? :(

You are very invested in your sister's life, and it is unhealthy.

I have always been honest with my family, I couldn't be on the phone and hear a baby that is hysterical and alone, to me that is child abuse. The same with the comforter.

To be helpful suggest an air tag for the comforter so it can always be found, and find a way to be less involved with your sister's decisions, she sounds like she is making some terrible choices to me, but she is the mother of the poor baby, and maybe this is the best she can do.

What a horrible read. Also surprised MN isn’t more critical on the sleep training. There’s no such thing as sleep training, it’s called Child Abuse. We keep traumatising children and then wonder why parenting is so hard. Parenting traumatised children is hard.
And she paid for a sleep trainer? in the UK?
Poor baby.

Wow, poor DN being in nursery those hours all week. Did your DSIS actually want to be a mum?

So basically, he's got a paid two month holiday? Is he doing any childcare for his baby?

Op has a poorly baby, absolutely nothing wrong with being a full time dm if that's best for her dc atm.

I think your dsis and dbil sound awful.
Either your dsis is not well or she's cold and callous.
I absolutely don't see the point of having dc if you are going to ignore their needs and that's what's happening here.
@dodomin you've got to be honest without sounding judgemental, that poor baby I feel so sad for him.

That poor baby. I think your sister is a terrible mother and don't understand why you're supporting her in this behaviour?

50 hours a week a nursery for an 8 month old and the time she does spend with the baby she leaves her to scream and blocks out the noise with air pods? I'm sorry I think that's beyond awful and quite abusive.

It sounds horrible. The BIL, the sleep training. Your DSis was desperate to have a baby, with a moron. You have tried to reassure her and say she is doing the right things for her family but really she sounds like she isnt. The set up sounds horrible for the child. 8 till 6pm at nursery 5 days a week. The set up sounds tough going for him. When she says he looks so unhappy, look at this photo, she is probably wanting you to say, what are you going to do about it? Would a nanny or nanny share be better? Or a childminders? Or part time work for 3 yrs? Or SAHM for 2 yrs then part time then full.time when he goes to school? Who knows. We are only getting a snapshot here.

Your BIL sounds awful. What a stand up guy to use his paternity leave for a personal holiday...

Have you tried asking your DSis something like, "If you/DN are not happy, what can you change?" She sounds like she might be a very all or nothing/black and white person: a bit of a perfectionist, maybe? So DN has to be sleeping through the night, with no comforter, nothing that might affect speech even sightly, best nursery in the area, and she has to return to work full time, at ten months. I think she's got herself a bit trapped, and I wonder if she thinks it's either this or her as a SAHM attached to her baby 24/7 (also an extreme, obviously). What happens if she goes back 80%, or staggers a return, or they try a child minder?

I'm advising this on the basis that you think you DSis is fundamentally a good person who is going through a bad time. Could she also have PND?

Sad isn't it, and needless. Most decent nurseries would allow a comforter for nap time. And I'd question it if they didn't.
All this On top of 10 hours a day away in nursery too. I can imagine baby is pretty unhappy

Agree, and you know what I, bet the nursery workers feel it's a really long time for baby too.

Nursery is her choice and fine but no way I’d be supportive about her leaving him to cry for hours and even removing his comforter. If she sent me a pic of him looking upset I’d reply poor thing why arent you cuddling him. If she told me about the comforter and leaving him to cry I’d say it’s upsetting me hearing about it as it’s not how I would ever parent so I don’t want to hear about it. If she phones when he’s crying I’d say oh I’ll let you go and see to him call later when he’s asleep. Don’t be a yes man.

I would have no problem referring her to social services for support if I were her neighbours and hearing a highly distressed baby hysterically crying every day. As a bare minimum I would be checking in to see if everything was okay.

As a society we stand back too often on the basis of not wanting to offend, but honestly this is god awful parenting and 'supporting' someone to abuse their own child is not a good move at all.

Your sister needs parenting classes and intervention. She is damaging her child, creating severe issues later down the line with attachment disorders. There are consequences - she is making some very poor parenting decisions.

Next time your Sister phones while her baby screams you need to tell her to put the phone down and go comfort her baby. You are wrong to continue to be supportive while she continually lets her baby cry.

It sounds like she has a useless partner but that us not the baby’s fault.

I feel for your poor sister, she must be exhausted and feel guilty, worried and that she’s doing everything wrong. I know that I did with my first even when I tried to do everything right. I tried to sleep trained with my first (in the Gina Ford days) and it was horrible. Didn’t do that with my second!

There are a number of things here. Dsis is doing the right thing in going back to work if that is what she wants- being a SAHM is not more worthy than a WOHM so she needs to be supported in that decision especially if BIL is a bit of an arse.But the sleep training and removal of the comforter doesn’t appear to be working.

Firstly, I would be saying gently to Dsis that if it’s not making her or DN happy then she can change it. She doesn’t need to make her life more difficult than it is. Sleep training “works” for some children, not for others - just allow her to see that there’s a different way forward without judgement and making her feel worse- some babies are just not sleepers and she needs to find ways of coping with it. The comforter is a non issue - it’s very unlikely to affect speech - I would be suggesting that she tackles that issue later if it becomes a problem which it probably won’t. As for the childcare setting - if that nursery isn’t a helpful environment for DS then she can change it to something that works better. Something that makes her and DS feel happier. She could see if she could reduce her hours on a permanent or temporary basis if she wants to do that. Gently suggest solutions and options to her and don’t let her feel that you’re criticising her.

Has it occurred to you that maybe she herself has doubts? Just tell her the truth. It would be less traumatising for you all and if she insists she’s doing the right thing that’s for her to live with. Five days a week does seem harsh if she’s still at home too. Why isn’t she enjoying more time with him?

How about “I need to be honest with you, it’s really difficult to hear and see DN in distress. Why don’t you try xyz. I know you’re exhausted so it’s time too for BIL to bond. You won’t get this time back..” etc etc

its not saying don’t go back to work / you must be SAHP. DN deserves more comfort from her and more effort from his Dad.

your sister is sleep training an infant who is too young to be sleep trained. You’re empowering this behaviour. She is neglecting her baby and it’s suffering and adding you pics and saying look how miserable he is is just appalling.

it is neglectful behaviour. Look after that defenceless baby. Advocate for them.

is your sister suffering from depression??

Sometimes people have no choice...but your sister does.

Why did she have a child to have it in a nursery 10 hours a day, leave it to cry all night and take away the baby's comforter.

You also need to stop pacifying your sister and tell her some home truths.

I’m so upset at the thought of that little baby crying on his own 😢

Op you are her sister. You can find a gentle non judgmental way to check that’ she is ok and if she’s feeling so overwrought that she CAN make different choices.

if she is feeling pressure from lack of financial control and support then of course she will be trying to wrest some of back. She might just need to some different options to get the same out come which is back to work.

the loss of comforter and he’s only 8 months is so sad.

Why are you telling her shes doing the right thing when its bloody obvious she's not? Why so much care for your dsis and so little for your nephew?

This is sounds to me like she is looking or even needing to be told that she has permission to deviate from BILs wants. You don’t have affirm her choices OP it’s not unkind he is your nephew. Advocate for him.

You’re far too enmeshed in her/their lives. I understand why because you’re (in law) siblings with babies the same age, but - people do very different things in the first few years of parenting, and it’s often fraught and emotional.

Stop being dishonest with her about your feelings. You can give short, non-commital answers to avoid making her feel bad. If she pushes you for more, you can be honest and e.g. say you don’t feel great about her sleep training and you don’t like hearing her baby cry, so please don’t call you while that is happening any more or talk to you about sleep training.

stop being such a pleaser, basically, and create your own boundaries.

Best of luck with your little one - I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through with his health issues, I can’t imagine how tough that has been and is. You sound like a brilliant mum.

That’s a really harsh question and not what I’m getting from it at all.

It’s not that simple. She’s not doing anything illegal or even deemed neglectful by many. In a few years/ when the kids are at school it will all be forgotten. OP has important relationships with her in laws to preserve.

Not RTFT, because I can’t get past a baby being left to scream until he exhausts himself. I don’t know how you can stand by and say nothing about such cruelty.