To not know how to deal with DSis anymore

[dodomin]

DSis and I are very very close. We speak multiple times a day and share every little thing. Our DCs are born 4 months apart from each other. DN is older than my DS

DSis is due to return to work full time next month. I've tried to be as supportive as I can so far in the run up. She feels very guilty for starting off DN at nursery a couple of months ago (to make sure he settles in well). Lots of family saying he's too young for 10 hours at nursery at 8 months etc. But I know the guilt from when I was contemplating the same for DD (now 3). In the end I chose to be a SAHM. DSis also has that option open to her but doesn't want to do that. And so I've told her she's making the right decision for her family, DN will get to have so many experiences that she won't be able to give him at home, she will be refreshed and a better mum for it etc. Everything I can think of. But really, I feel sad for DN. But I would never say that to my DSis because the whole thing is hard enough as it is.

Anyway, she also sleep trained DN (closing the door and letting him sleep on his own, if he cries they don't intercede) from 7 months. Again, I was super supportive, but internally I felt sad for DN. Initially DN was great at this and so it was easy to be supportive. For the past month, he's been screaming in his cot and DSis puts her air pods in and calls me to ignore the noise.

And then she keeps screenshotting her photos from DN's nursery app with photos of DN looking miserable (her words, not mine, although I do agree) and his face swollen from crying. She keeps saying how sad he looks, she thinks he's depressed, she feels like a monster etc. I said its just early days and he'll enjoy it the more used to it he gets.

And then she's taken his comforter away from him that he uses to sleep because she doesn't want him to get too dependent on it as she feels nursery just give it to him all the time. And he cries hysterically now because he wants it.

I think if I didn't have children of my own around the same age, I'd be able to handle this better. I am the total opposite to DSis - I co sleep (please no judgement, it works for us, we all get sleep and we like it), I cuddle DCs to sleep, I think it's ok to have a comforter. I think each to their own and everyone has to do what works for them. Maybe it's hormones/I'm too wet/ emotional, I don't know. But I just can't handle it anymore. And on top to keep saying to her she's doing the right thing... I just don't want to hear all this stuff that I feel is too harsh for a 10 month old and I just don't want to see all these photos of him being upset... but also I don't want to say anything that will make DSis feel bad about her decisions when she already feels guilty. What do I do? :(

Is she ok? Ds went to nursery from a year because I went back to work he went before I did to get used to it, but 2 mornings for a month or so not 5 long days a week while mum is at home. The sleep training I didn't do but I also didn't co-sleep. Lots of this is just different styles. I never gave DS a dummy DB gave DNs dummies, they probably settled to sleep better but he then had nightmares when he took them away. It's horses for courses, but your sister doesn't sound like she's alright.

Given your updates about your child, I can understand even more why you're overwhelmed with her constant photos/comments/conversations about sleep training.

Can you gently tell her that you really don't want to talk about sleep training anymore as you're continuing to manage your own baby's extra care. Or could your parents have a word perhaps? It sounds as if you've become her advisor/therapist for motherhood while you've been dealing with your own baby's health challenges. It's really too much for you to deal with emotionally.

I can’t believe anyone would have a baby in nursery all of that time when they didn’t need to. My own DC were in nursery from 8 months but we juggled work hours to ensure that long days were avoided as much as possible. Settling in happened 2 weeks before I returned to work too. These were a few hours here and there.

That sleep training sounds unbelievably cruel too. I’m
no earth mother, but leaving a child to cry whilst drowning out their wails with air pods and removing their comforter is vile.

I’d have told your sister by now her and her husband really aren’t up to parenting; they should have got a cat.

Ok theres controlled crying and there's neglect. Poor soul isnt even allowed his comforter. And you are complicit in it by not advocating for your nephew!

That poor baby.

Put it back on her. She thinks her baby's miserable.So how is she going to resolve this situation.

You've reaffirmed her every move, no wonder she keeps coming to you for reassurance. You don't agree with any of her parenting choices, you think her parenting is all wrong, why would you keep telling her it's all good?

This is what happens when people are weak around boundaries and discussions. You have really dug yourself deep into the shit here tbh.

I have no idea at all what to advise as to how to sort this out with your sister, but into the future be aware that everyone judges, all the time. Everyone. I am judging you as spineless and silly, you actually think this kid is being harmed but are more worried about looking bad or upsetting your sister (and I am judging that's because you don't fancy the backlash from her more than anything else) than sticking up for the kid - the kid YOU are sure is being parented badly.

You are judging me as oh so terribly unkind and writing off what I am saying, because I have hurty wurted your feelings by stating this factually, without bullshitting you.

Judging is how we stay safe. Everyone judges. Most of the time it's fine to judge and then say nothing, judging doesn't mean we have to do anything much of the time, or even discuss it.

But if it is something that really matters and is bothering you, then you need to speak up or learn to tolerate your discomfort.

Personally, I think you are way too enmeshed with your sister and the kid will be fine (more judging, yep, that's what everyone does, we use our judgement).

How you navigate this is something you will have to use your judgement for.
If it actually matters to you, you will say something. If you're not really that bothered, you'll say nothing. Up to you.

That’s exactly what I thought!

I voted YABU from your original post, thinking you just have very different parenting styles. I co-slept and hated the cry it out method. I honestly couldn't imagine putting earphones in. Could she be exaggerating? But if my family choses to do that method there's no way I'd say anything. I

Why does she want to remove the blanket? Your DN is less than one year old?

Tell her to stop sending them…

I would start offering some practical suggestions.

Comfort blanket - Nursery would likely give it less when he settles better and them giving it more whilst he's settling doesn't mean that he will always want it that much.

Nursery - If he's been going for a few months and he's still so unhappy, is it the right fit for him? Would he be more suited to a childminder, nanny or even just a different nursery? What do the nursery workers say? Can she ask them to stop sending those kinds of pictures?

Sleep training - Remind her that anyone can call themselves a sleep expert/trainer and other sleep training methods exist that may suit him better since it clearly doesn't seem to be working if they are always having to do it. Just like with nursery, it might not be the right fit because all babies are different.

A few more thoughts too.

Is it possible that her DH is pushing these things and she actually doesn't agree with them?

is it possible that she is almost winding you up and hoping that you will say something negative knowing that you don't agree with it?

Why do you keep lying to her? Why wouldn’t you just say ‘I couldn’t do that’ or something non judgemental but not encouraging.

I agree with this.

Why would your Dsis continue to do something if ' she says she feels guilty about it? '

Taking the comforter away aswell is over the top. I would feel sad about a child crying for so long that the face looks swollen.
It would be hard to listen to someone telling me all this if I didn't parent in the same way.

Agree. This is neglect. She needs to comfort her baby if he’s screaming. That is not sleep training, it’s neglect

Thank you. Felt like I was going crazy reading these replies.

OP your sister is treating her child horribly and you’re lying to her. Please tell her the truth and help protect her child.

Totally agree with this.

I think you have trauma from the NICU and ongoing health needs of your child and so your sister’s neglectful behaviour of her baby is triggering you, as you have rightly identified yourself.

I was a NICU mum and had friends who sleep trained very early and found it difficult to hear about. It’s all tied up with the fear and the misplaced guilt of not being able to be with your baby, even though they were in the place they needed to be to recover.

I would suggest some therapy when you are ready. I didn’t think I had any hospital trauma but it turns out there was a fair bit to work through. I’m so glad I did.

With your sister you need to tread carefully. My mother in law was quite judgmental of me choosing to put my son in nursery at ten months for a couple of very short mornings at first. I still feel annoyed about her acting that way when I needed support - I was struggling and the breathing space helped me get better. Even though I think your concerns are valid in this case you don’t want to alienate her.

Could you say something like, “I am finding this quite hard to listen to after being separated from my baby when he was born”? Do you think she would take this on board?

I’m wondering if she has PND because it doesn’t sound like normal bonding to me. Then again they do this sort of thing in America and it’s quite culturally accepted there (early sleep training, daycare when weeks’ old). I feel sick when my friend there talks about it.

I couldn't deal with that. Your sister is actually being cruel to her child, you do understand that? Okay she wants to go back to work that's not really an issue but she leaves her baby to cry himself to sleep and now he's not even allowed his comforter. I absolutely wouldn't be saying to her she's doing the right thing.
I think she knows her choices are wrong and that's why she feels guilty. I wonder if she's actually waiting for you to say she's going too far.
I just feel so awful for your DN. If it was me I'd have to say something to her.

I can hardly bear to read this. Poor little child. Maybe he needs your support more than your sister.

Why do you keep on actively reassuring her and helping to talk her in to something it sounds like she’ll feel conflicted about? You’ve been actively counteracting her worries, from the sound of it, while believing the complete opposite. Why don’t you just give her your honest view? You can do it gently and you don’t have to dramatise oh poooor DN, he’s suffering so much, etc. But why not do her the courtesy of honesty?

I put my dc in nursery from 10 months to go back to work, went full time from when they were 1 pretty much. But I’d say to your dsis, I don’t think it’s that helpful to let them scream to exhaustion. Because I think that’s awful! I let them into my bed and breastfed at nights and I was exhausted but my baby was taken care of. You can find middle ground here I think.
bil sounds absolutely shit.

I believe that allowing a child to cry for longer than 3 or 4 minutes (even less than that if I'm honest) is abuse. I'd tell your sister this, if I were you.

Why wouldn’t you say something? When she makes comments like that?

Dear god you are her sister not her therapist is your relationship so shallow and void that you can’t say “I don’t like you making those comments, if you aren’t comfortable with your parenting choices change them if you are than crack on”? You don’t have to criticise her choices but you can criticise her going on about them if you are annoyed!

People are free to make their own choices but you don’t need to validate them every step.

Or you can come out and tell her that you think her husband is a waste of space which I think is a bigger part of the problem.

Leaving a baby crying on their own for hours is NOT sleep training. No wonder so many people are against sleep training if they believe that's what it is.

You both sound like you’ve got it wrong. You co-sleeping and allowing your identity to become just a mother and your sister for ignoring and failing to comfort her child. I’d suggest you both read up on more balanced parenting.