Feeling very sorry for myself after being cancelled on

[Su1345]

I’m late 30s, single parent to one dd age 4. I started talking with someone I knew from university, a few months ago. Long story short, we were due to meet today at 11am for a coffee and brunch and he messaged at 10:24 to say he couldn’t make it as he slept outside last night after a party.

Im not so much emotionally hurt as I am just feeling a bit of, i don’t know, sadness? My lovely little girl is with her dad today and he took her out early so I could have time to get ready. It wasn’t an official date but obviously having not met a man one to one like this for years I was reasonably nervous and I took my time getting ready and choosing what to wear. We’ve also had lots of flirty messages and so on. I was on the way when I got the message.

More than anything I just feel a bit shit about the fact I’m almost 40, single and all dressed up with literally no place to go. So I’m sitting in the car for a moment where I’ve pulled over to write this. I can’t work out my feelings, just feel mostly really stupid and my child free time is so precious and I’ve let him his man do this to me.

You feel sad because you believe there's something wrong with being single as a mum at your age. This experience feels like a defeat, because it was a step away from singlehood. I can't think of any other reason why else one would be upset that some unreliable idiot with a hangover that doesn't honour his commitments and word cancelled a date - last minute, as the cherry on top. Good riddance. This behaviour is an indicator of what you can expect if you were to be in a relationship with this man: drunken nights out, bad hangovers the next day that prevents him to function normally, last minute cancellations, unreliable behaviour, untrustworthy, irresponsible...

You could have told yourself, "thank God I saw his true colours before wasting a beautiful afternoon with him". There's nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship, but I personally think it's wrong to view relationships as the ultimate "achievement", and be sad if it doesn't happen. You're all dressed up and your child is with the father...take yourself out. Maybe even ask a friend to join you.

He must be 40sh like yourself and he’s still sleeping outside after parties?I mean why not I suppose but it’s a bit immature unless it’s cos he forgot his keys or something. Hope you fnd something nice to donwith your day and don’t let the rudeness of flaking last minute get you down.

You’ve nothing to feel embarrassed about. I’d be embarrassed about my own behaviour at 39 and getting so drunk I slept outside.
He’s actually done you a massive favour in telling you this because if he does get in touch again you know how he carries on after a few drinks.
Glad you’ve got a nice coffee to enjoy!

You’ve dodged a bullet there OP. Maybe going forward you could get dolled up every so often and have a day out to celebrate yourself just because you can. Don’t save the best of you for someone else.

You are not the stupid one in this situation.

Been there done that, you had a lucky escape, did you push to meet up or did he,

Im sorry that is annoying and can see why you feel upset.
When someone cancels on you last minute for non emergency reasons they are telling you they don't value your time and lack conscientiousness.
I used to tolerate this sort of behaviour when i was younger but not anymore because it usually just worsens with time.
I would have messaged him and said Thank you for letting me know you don't value my time and lack conscientiousness and thats a deal breaker for me.
I hope you have a nice day ,advice do something you enjoy.

That's really disappointing. He's probably married or in a relationship so I agree you've probably dodged a bullet. At best he is unreliable and flakey.

Do not arrange to meet him again OP.

Someone said I feel this way as it was a chance to not be a single mum. That’s really not part of this. I made peace with being a single mum years ago, relationship ended very soon after dd.

I love my life but I’d love to share it with someone. I definitely think if he had cancelled yesterday this wouldn’t have hit me so hard. It just felt extra shitty to be on the way there. I’ll get over it. Certainly don’t have much faith in meeting anyone again like this though!

Hope you take yourself off for a nice coffee, browse the shops or take the time to have a makeover at the cosmetics counters, get a mani/pedi or just go and treat yourself to the aircon in the cinema (I’ve just been hauling furniture round the garden so may be projecting on that suggestion).
Sounds like a bit of a silly boy but hoping you can make the best of the rest of your day!

Go and take yourself for a lovely lunch!!

OK, but that’s way too much expectation to put on a coffee with an old student friend you’d exchanged a few flirtatious text conversations with. I mean, when did you last set eyes on Mr ‘Slept Outside’? And while you were arranging for your DD to be looked after and going to trouble about your appearance, he was waking up in a bush or on a park bench and couldn’t even be bothered to invent a family emergency, he just told you the truth — this was such an un-special meeting he got plastered to the point of falling asleep outdoors the night before ? To him this was a casual meet-up with an old university friend.

You shouldn’t feel stupid, or view it as a reason not to date anyone else. Just don’t let over-invest.

@ScallopShelled it’s not over investing to have been looking forward to it. I wasn’t expecting to marry him. It’s the fact it was cancelled less than an hour beforehand and he knew I had a 45 minutes drive (he similar).

You poor thing. Of course YANBU to be disappointed, especially as you were all ready and on the way. Let’s say life has saved you going too far down the wrong road - sleeping outside at 39 is major red flag territory for me. So you found out before it got any further. Enjoy looking great if you can, and just try and appreciate having a bit of time to yourself. Make a list of life goals or even just books you want to read.

He knew he was meeting you today yet he still over did it last night? Bin

If there's a next time, probably with anther man, I'd suggest being much more relaxed about it. Whilst I wouldn't slob about, realistically there's no need to get dolled up for Sunday morning coffee, and I fear this man might have been put off anyway by that.

Omg did his message not give you the ick?!? My fanny clamped shut hearing about a grown man getting drunk and sleeping outside! Jeez! I think your feelings of sadness about your plans being let down or the man you were messaging turning out to be a loser are valid but amazing you realise now than 5 dates in that you were talking to a man child! Barf!

I’m a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. Maybe this one wasn’t supposed to happen because there’s something better round the corner

Hugs OP!

I don’t think it’s over-investing to get ready for a planned date and then be disappointed when Mr Old-friend you’ve been flirting with turns out to be Mr Sleeps-outside-at-39. How was she supposed to know he’d do that? I agree with everything else you said though, not only is he Mr Sleeps-outside he’s also too dumb or too disrespectful to pretend he’s not!

The most underrated superpower is being comfortable in your own company. I bet you look beautiful and felt beautiful before he messaged you- can you channel that feeling, that energy, on your own behalf? Continue to treat yourself as if you were taking yourself out for a date: wander a nice area, buy yourself a new book or some flowers, watch people go by, buy a nice notebook and start your novel. Do all the Wordle puzzles. Enjoy your company and try to see it through the lens of being free to please yourself while looking and smelling great.

This man isn’t the one for you, don’t bother arranging another meeting with him, he’ll always let you down; but the more you enjoy your own life the less you’ll need a man and (ironically) the more likely you are to find a good one.

I know it’s easier said than done, but keep bringing your thoughts back to ‘what do I want to do now?’ and granting it. How often do you usually get to do what you want all day?

This. Someone that flaky and thoughtless isn't worth bothering about. What sort of person his age sleeps outside after a party when they know they have plans the next day. Don't bother making any more dates with him.

I would be upset and thrown off balance but as others have said he sounds immature and selfish. Try to enjoy your day, you deserve time to yourself and some relaxation

How did he have chance to be “put off” by her “being dolled up”. He didn’t show up remember, he allegedly texted her from his bed. He sounds rude and selfish to me. No harm in making an effort

This.