Feeling very sorry for myself after being cancelled on

[Su1345]

I’m late 30s, single parent to one dd age 4. I started talking with someone I knew from university, a few months ago. Long story short, we were due to meet today at 11am for a coffee and brunch and he messaged at 10:24 to say he couldn’t make it as he slept outside last night after a party.

Im not so much emotionally hurt as I am just feeling a bit of, i don’t know, sadness? My lovely little girl is with her dad today and he took her out early so I could have time to get ready. It wasn’t an official date but obviously having not met a man one to one like this for years I was reasonably nervous and I took my time getting ready and choosing what to wear. We’ve also had lots of flirty messages and so on. I was on the way when I got the message.

More than anything I just feel a bit shit about the fact I’m almost 40, single and all dressed up with literally no place to go. So I’m sitting in the car for a moment where I’ve pulled over to write this. I can’t work out my feelings, just feel mostly really stupid and my child free time is so precious and I’ve let him his man do this to me.

You are a nice person who makes an effort for others. He’s not. If he does contact you again (flaming cheek if he does) it’s, “No thanks, we’ll leave it there” in your best work voice. You are worth a lot because you are warm and happy to engage. He is a pointless, time wasting twat. X

I totally get it, OP - I had a friend flake on me the other week before a lunch date, and I felt the same. My friend is a gay man, and I live with my long-term partner, so it wasn’t a date even! It was just that feeling of being all dressed up and nowhere to go, at the very last minute, and also feeling like my time wasn’t important.

I spent the money I had earmarked for lunch (we were supposed to go to quite a fancy place) on ordering some nice new makeup bits. My GBF actually bought me lunch the week after as an apology, but please do not allow this man to do that for you. He’s a twat.

The fact that you have been chatting for months shows you that this isn’t serious for him.

meet in a week MAX! Anything more without valid reason is a red flag.

you’ve got yourself inventing a narrative that he doesn’t deserve

actions not words. Any dickhead can say anything they want, but it never needs to be true.

dont fall for sunk cost fallacy on some bloke you literally don’t know.

you’ve had a lucky escape, now you can toughen up, demand what you’re worth and never compromise on yourself for a bloke.

Please don’t do this.

Yeah - drunk in a ditch at 40 isn’t a good look. Lucky escape!
Go and have your coffee and cake, you’ll be one of those women I look at and think how effortlessly glam they look while I’m in jeans and t-shirt…

It's opening up a line of conversation that OP will then have to shut down again.

She doesn't have to let him know she's going to have a good day regardless.

Imagine if he had turned up in manky party clothes, been outside , stale sweat , stale beer breath, probably hungover , whingeing about his poor back........ Yuk.

Yes , you dodged a bullet

I'd feel significantly better about your circumstances than the near 40 yo who slept outside last night because he can't handle himself. He sounds like a walking red flag and not someone remotely ready for what it sounds like you're looking for.

I think op I'd spend a bit of time thinking carefully about what it is you actually want and what standards you want to set for yourself and then you stick to those in order to filter out the time wasters.

It's totally fine to feel disappointed and it was totally fine to feel excited about someone - you haven't done anything wrong or embarrassed yourself in any way. (Unlike this man) unfortunately you can't open yourself to hope without also opening yourself to disappointment as hope naturally always carries a bit of risk until it becomes reality. But maybe you need to approach it more from a place of not needing to trust someone else until they earn it, but trusting yourself to hold out for someone who actually adds properly to your life and who isn't someone you'll need to manage. You deserve good things and there are good men out there..

That's rubbish. I would feel sad too. Seeing as you have the day to yourself can you do something really lovely that you wouldn't usually. Enjoy the sunshine and put this selfish flake out of your mind if you can. Only person that should feel any embarrassment is him.

And of course you were excited! That’s normal.

but you based your excitement on what you imagined the situation was. I know it’s so easy to fall into this trap, but be more sceptical generally, trust only what you see and hear in real life, not on text/phone/facetime- that’s all theatre potentially

I'm sorry he wasted your time OP. At least you know you'll not let him waste it again.
Think of today as a blessing. He showed you who he was before you got emotionally invested. Go enjoy your day. Treat yourself. Or maybe buy some things for a lovely afternoon tea with DD when she's back.
And I wouldn't even bother replying to him myself. If you need to, a wuick thumbs up and then straight block.

Do you want to go on a date with a man who randomly sleeps outside after a night out. He has saved you.

sorry about being cancelled on, it’s not nice, but this is an example of the trash taking itself out

He did you a favour there. Slept outside and cancelled half an hour before. Wow. Please, please bin him.

Isn't this the universe sending you a big clanging bell, that the guy you were about to hook up.with is the type to get so out of it at a party he sleeps outside?

You have a free day, do something with it for yourself. Yes it feels shit for now, but you really have had a lucky escape I think.

There really is a good reason why some people are single OP - and this guy is both immature and inconsiderate - which it's great you found out now before you invested any more time and effort in him.

Please just block him. Don't engage further. Enjoy the sunshine.

That really sucks. Hope you can find something nice to do. Take yourself out for lunch, maybe go to the cinema or treat yourself to something. Or see if a friend is free to meet up.

100%

Be glad you won't be wasting any more of your time or energy on him

Don’t feel silly for getting dolled up! You were going on a date you’ve done what anyone else would do!!
the person that is silly is the grown ass man that knew he’d made plans today and chose to be an idiot and stay out, dodged a bullet

What a waste of time he is, knowing he had a date and getting himself in a state so he couldn’t make it
Flaky, inconsiderate and childish - not worth your spare time!

Get a nice coffee, and a treat
a good book or show
go for a walk with some music
nice bath with fancy stuff in.

You already have a child - you don't need another 39 year old one...
Totally natural to feel disappointed. Sometimes it is not even the actual person you were going to meet but the idea and prospect of a different future. Or something to look forward to. That's why it stings now

You say you have a great life and a great job. You are not going to compatible with a 39 year old who sleeps outside after a party. Why would you feel embarraseed. This is all on him and you have had a lucky escape.

And do not reschedule if he comes crawling back....

Well, he told on himself. You don't need a manchild like that around. Besides, regardless of where he slept, at the time he messaged you, shouldn't he have already been on his way to meet at 11am? He's not worth much more thought, OP.

Don't feel silly, he's the one who should feel silly for being a pathetic man child who sleeps outside after a party I mean it's hardly classy is it! You deserve better. Please don't reschedule, he's shown you what he's like so believe him.

Thank you so much for the replies. I’ve taken the advice on here and I’m in a cafe with a nice iced drink! Someone said it’s the disappointment after the build up and yes that’s it… if he’d cancelled yesterday I don’t think I would have actually been too bothered, mildly disappointed. It’s definitely the fact I essentially gave up the day for him and spent the whole morning getting ready.

I don’t want to give up on men but this has made me feel very reluctant to put myself out there again.

He sounds like an unreliable child. Surely by this age you are past getting so drunk you cant make it at least through your front door.

Could you imagine how worried you'd be if he was actualky your partner and had gone to a party and then slept outside?

Honestly, he is not loss.