AIBU to not want to give a bottle to our EBF baby to benefit my partner?

[gratedcheeseandham]

Would love some opinions because I can see both sides (sort of) and not sure if it’s anxiety from my side or not.

Partner and I have an 8 week out baby who is exclusively breastfed from the breast. He’s had no problems latching at all and I’ve absolutely adored breastfeeding. Baby has never had a problem with my milk, no tummy issues, has only ever gained weight (didn’t lose any weight after birth) and can be fed at the moment in 10 mins. I’ve had no problems with pain or engorgement. I feel extremely lucky that our BF journey has been going well - I am part of an antenatal group where a lot of people have struggled. In said antenatal group, every single baby (10 in total) have been introduced to a bottle, some are completely on formula and some have expressed breastmilk. I want to make it clear I have no problem with however any woman wants to feed her baby, fed is best.

Basically, my boyfriend wants to be able to feed the baby so he can take the baby places by himself. There is a dad meet up with the antenatal dads at the pub where they are all bringing their babies. Boyfriend is really annoyed that he either 1. Won’t be able to take the baby 2. I will have to be there in some capacity (I have suggested me coming, sitting on the other side of the pub with a friend not related to the antenatal group and bf can pass me the baby if he gets hungry. He is eating every 2 hours at the moment, however this can be shorter in the evenings). Boyfriend thinks I’m being extremely selfish in not letting me introduce a bottle to the baby and that I should compromise. My concerns to introducing a bottle are:

1. It will fall on me to do all the washing, sterilising etc. I explicitly asked if we introduced a bottle would my boyfriend also take care of the prep work - he said no, this would be split. I explained to him this included researching formula, finding and buying bottles, cleaning and sterilising and making sure baby is burped afterwards.
2. With pumping, I feel like it’s not exactly giving me a ‘break’ it’s just transferring the work. I don’t want to have to find the time to pump, then store etc.
3. This one is a bit silly but I’m afraid of baby preferring bottle over breast and rejecting breast
4. Feeding is the ONE AND ONLY thing that is exclusive to me. Boyfriend can bond in so many different ways - changing, playing etc. At the moment, boyfriend changes a nappy maybe once every three days (and never one with poo). I let boyfriend stay in bed until 9 (bf works from home) whilst I am up with our son from 6. I do 99% of the child rearing. In a stubborn way, I am apprehensive of relinquishing this one thing that only I can do.
5. I am already ‘compromising’ on other aspects of childcare, for example boyfriend wants baby out of our room 6 months exactly (even going so far as to ‘joking’ that on midnight of his 6 months he will go into his room). I wanted him in our room until he was at least 9 months, even up to a year. He is a great sleeper, though I know this can change, so it’s not the fact bf doesn’t get any sleep. In fact, he regularly gets at least 10-11 hours as he doesn’t wake up at all in the night.

To not drip feed, I am taking a year off of work. Baby will be going to a childminder afterwards. Boyfriend earns triple what I do doing a 100% remote 9-5 WFH project management job. I work as a secondary teacher in middle management. Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say. I am completely fine with being attached to the baby for the foreseeable before anyone asks.

Partner is getting increasingly more irate with this topic but I just don’t want to budge. Do I need to give up some of my anxiety?

If breastfeeding is working perfectly for you then you’d be off your chump to introduce a bottle. Bottle feeding is a faff from start to finish and I’ll say it - it’s not optimal for your baby. Introducing a bottle just so the boyfriend can play Dad of the year with his friends is crazy particularly when you have offered compromise after compromise. In a few months time, none of this will be relevant anyway as baby will go for longer between feeds and you’ll be introducing solids.

The baby in own room thing can be considered nearer the time and that would depend on how well your baby is sleeping.

Tell him you DGAF about how it’s done in France. You’re in England.

This. No is a complete sentence

Because it's not one small thing. OP has even listed the ways in which it's not a small thing.

Tell DP you'll give baby a good feed and then he can take baby to the pub. If baby cries he knows it won't be hunger so he can do whatever we all do to try to settle baby when we know it's not hunger. He'll be able to have a good two hours with him if he puts in the work of settling.

Maybe he needs to practise a bit more before hand by getting up earlier and taking baby after the morning feed, changing more nappies etc. Currently he's doing the bare minimum and just wants to look good in front of his Dad friends.

I have not read the full thread. Amd agree you shouldn't introduce formula if you don't want to and pumping is a faff. However if it's just for the occasional time, could you use a haakaa. It catches turn let down from the other breast and then you can freeze the milk. I did this however baby completely refused bottle anyway!

If breast feeding is going well I wouldn’t introduce bottles yet. It is far easier to breast feed than mess about with bottles and formula.

I don’t have a need for baby bottles, but I glanced at the price in Sainsbury’s recently! And it sounds to me like you will purchase all of the required equipment for a one off pub meet up! That’s one expensive pub trip! If his main contribution to being a dad is a wet nappy twice a week, this doesn’t bode well for helping out with feeds. Hopefully said pub is a lovely family or country pub, and not one where there is a likelihood of drunken people falling all over the babies/loud music. Or dads having a few pints whilst ‘babysitting!’ Of all the more suitable places they could meet! Anyway, he can’t tell you what to do with your body (expressing milk can be painful, it disrupts the natural ebb and flow of feeds, and it is such hard work, for me tiny, tiny slow drips, it’s like watching paint dry!) How dare he tell you to do that! It may not be possible for you and then will he ask you to give formula? Even once is enough to disrupt the babies system. (fine if that’s YOUR choice, as after all, you will be the one dealing with the dirty nappys! It won’t be him will it?) He needs to put you and his child first for a change in his decision making. Why are men so fucking useless!

Proud dad would be doing nappy changes and other parenting.

Lots of things were done 'back in the day' that aren't considered safe now. The advice for baby sleeping in the same room is at least six months at the moment.

This proud dad is putting his ego before the needs of his baby and his partner, this comes across in each issue the op raises - wanting baby out of the room, acting like maternity leave is a holiday, not helping with baby when no one is around to see it. Awful situation to raise a baby in and it won't get better magically when the baby is older, it needs to be sorted.

In these early days when I was breast feeding constantly through the night and comforting the babies most of the time as only i could, my partner did most baths, burped, settled baby to sleep, handed them to me at night, changed nappies, carried them in the sling. And he's continued to be as involved as me all the way through.

You sound like you are in denial about your partner if your description of your relationship is accurate (and I’m sure it is).

I stopped reading when you said your bf called you 'extremely selfish' for choosing the health and well being of your child over his personal wishes to take the baby as an accessory for his dad's night out. There is only one person in this scenario who is being a selfish arsehole and as a clue, it's not you or the baby. I am so sorry that you are going to have to bring up your child with this selfish cunt.

He says he brings in the money (especially now I’m on maternity), so he ‘shouldn’t have to’ worry about anything else.

He's lucky he's not having to worry about finding a sofa to sleep on. Tell him to fuck off and keep going.

He wants you to mess around with breastfeeding, which is working perfectly well for you and for the baby, well, that's the goal, not his pub trips plus baby as an accessory. He's being a massive dickhead.

He thinks things will be easier for him when DC is a toddler and more interactive? If he can't think of any ways to make himself useful until then he's going to be on borrowed time before too long OP, based on what you've written here. Word to the wise, don't doubt your reality.

YADNBU. This is far from the first partner I’ve heard of who’s tried to break the breastfeeding relationship. Why should your baby be messed round just so he can show off?

And - in fact - is this desire to go the fathers’ group genuine, or is it just an excuse to insert himself in the bond between you and baby? I wouldn’t trust him. It sounds like he’s not done much at all for the baby. If you were to give in to him and pump a bottle for this meet up he supposedly wants to go to, baby could well cry all the time and not want the bottle. The breast is comfort and closeness not just food. Your baby is so young too.

Oh god. I'm angry on your behalf. He wants to introduce formula so he can go and perform a show in front of new friends he is trying to make. If you're happy breastfeeding and it's going well, that's absolutely amazing. There is no need to introduce a scientifically inferior milk. He should be overjoyed it's all gone so well and support you. Absolutely bonkers. Expressing can be hard work. Sterilising is also really hard work. The French do have very different attitudes to child rearing, it's interesting and there are positives to their method but I do not agree with his reasoning one bit on this (I enjoyed reading why french kids don't throw food). His view on earning more money therefore getting more say is absolutely abhorrent. If he is so desperate to act like a good father in front of his friends, you could feed the baby just before he goes to the pub and pop in again at the 2 hour mark. I really can't see the issue with this. Or he can just go alone. Sorry, he's sounds awful.

And for everyone saying feed baby just before leaving, that is possibly not going to tie in with meet up time, and we don’t know how far away this pub is, whether public transport is involved etc. All of that would have caused me a lot of stress as a newly breastfeeding mum. I didn’t like being far from my baby and he certainly didn’t like being away from me. That’s the most natural feeling in the world and safest for baby.

He sounds like a selfish twat.

I EBF mine for a year each. Never expressed and never gave formula in that time.

👋👋👋
The father wants to make it all about him. The baby's needs come first.

He sounds like a tool (who thinks their salary determines how a baby gets fed FFS).

There are some advantages in a baby being able to manage feeding from a bottle though. So I wouldn’t discount it all together - but to try bottles just so he can go to the pub snd show off? Nope.

Ugh, to number 5 - when are these bloody men going to realise and accept that even if they had no baby and wife/GF, THEY WOULD BE WORKING ANYWAY!!

Does my head in that they think "earning money" is some special added task they bring to their family 🙄

Guess what mate, you would hardly be living the stay at home life if you were single and you would also be doing all your own "home" stuff too so give it a bloody rest with that BS!!

Given your baby is very happily feeding from you, and you have no need of bottles, put the ball entirely in his court - you don't need bottles or pump or formula, if he wants it, he can sort it. Why would you make your already busy life even busier. He can do it if he wants it.

I pretty much guarantee that a BF baby who's happy that way, will not take a bottle of formula from dad without significant effort from you - which you don't need to make.

Why would you get involved with sterilising bottles? You have no need of bottles. He can either only go out for a couple of hours, or, wait a couple of months until there's a longer gap.

TBH the baby would probably refuse the bottle now. Both mine refused a bottle until 9/10 months old despite me trying to get them used to taking the one at about 3 or 4 weeks old. I loved breast feeding but would have loved a odd break with a good nights sleep or my husband to have had them for the odd afternoon, it was relentless

He sounds controlling. Be aware that domestic abuse often starts after children are born and keep an eye out in case things ramp up.

As for the bottle expressing is such a faff. I was under pressure similarly to you and persevered with it but it was a disaster and just made everyone more stressed.

If he is into cooking presumably he likes fresh food. Formula is about as ultra processed as you can get. That might be an angle to dicuss.

Lots of good advice here. There are some really problematic elements to his attitude. He doesn’t get more of a say because he earns more than you. Jesus. You’re a unit. DH and I didn’t get married until some time after both children were born; he earned a lot more than me when our children were born because he was further into his career. It wouldn’t have crossed his mind to argue it gave him a greater say on parenting matters.

And he needs to know that working-outside-the-home parents parent and housekeep when they’re home. You’re on mat leave. Looking after your child during the day is your day job. And it’s an intense one. I really struggled with breastfeeding and we mixed bottle and breast from early on but just because it’s easy for you does not mean that your body is not working hard to enable you to do it. When he’s home, he should be splitting parenting and chores with you. That’s the reality of the early years of parenting.

My understanding is that mat leave is typically quite short in France therefore there are different drivers and priorities. He needs to realise things are different in the UK.

I don't really understand why the baby can't move to their own room. Setting yourself up for a really clingy baby and child.

He isn't thinking about his child at all, just himself.
Why disrupt and reduce your supply when you have just got established?

You know about the safe sleeping guidelines?