AIBU to not want to give a bottle to our EBF baby to benefit my partner?

[gratedcheeseandham]

Would love some opinions because I can see both sides (sort of) and not sure if it’s anxiety from my side or not.

Partner and I have an 8 week out baby who is exclusively breastfed from the breast. He’s had no problems latching at all and I’ve absolutely adored breastfeeding. Baby has never had a problem with my milk, no tummy issues, has only ever gained weight (didn’t lose any weight after birth) and can be fed at the moment in 10 mins. I’ve had no problems with pain or engorgement. I feel extremely lucky that our BF journey has been going well - I am part of an antenatal group where a lot of people have struggled. In said antenatal group, every single baby (10 in total) have been introduced to a bottle, some are completely on formula and some have expressed breastmilk. I want to make it clear I have no problem with however any woman wants to feed her baby, fed is best.

Basically, my boyfriend wants to be able to feed the baby so he can take the baby places by himself. There is a dad meet up with the antenatal dads at the pub where they are all bringing their babies. Boyfriend is really annoyed that he either 1. Won’t be able to take the baby 2. I will have to be there in some capacity (I have suggested me coming, sitting on the other side of the pub with a friend not related to the antenatal group and bf can pass me the baby if he gets hungry. He is eating every 2 hours at the moment, however this can be shorter in the evenings). Boyfriend thinks I’m being extremely selfish in not letting me introduce a bottle to the baby and that I should compromise. My concerns to introducing a bottle are:

1. It will fall on me to do all the washing, sterilising etc. I explicitly asked if we introduced a bottle would my boyfriend also take care of the prep work - he said no, this would be split. I explained to him this included researching formula, finding and buying bottles, cleaning and sterilising and making sure baby is burped afterwards.
2. With pumping, I feel like it’s not exactly giving me a ‘break’ it’s just transferring the work. I don’t want to have to find the time to pump, then store etc.
3. This one is a bit silly but I’m afraid of baby preferring bottle over breast and rejecting breast
4. Feeding is the ONE AND ONLY thing that is exclusive to me. Boyfriend can bond in so many different ways - changing, playing etc. At the moment, boyfriend changes a nappy maybe once every three days (and never one with poo). I let boyfriend stay in bed until 9 (bf works from home) whilst I am up with our son from 6. I do 99% of the child rearing. In a stubborn way, I am apprehensive of relinquishing this one thing that only I can do.
5. I am already ‘compromising’ on other aspects of childcare, for example boyfriend wants baby out of our room 6 months exactly (even going so far as to ‘joking’ that on midnight of his 6 months he will go into his room). I wanted him in our room until he was at least 9 months, even up to a year. He is a great sleeper, though I know this can change, so it’s not the fact bf doesn’t get any sleep. In fact, he regularly gets at least 10-11 hours as he doesn’t wake up at all in the night.

To not drip feed, I am taking a year off of work. Baby will be going to a childminder afterwards. Boyfriend earns triple what I do doing a 100% remote 9-5 WFH project management job. I work as a secondary teacher in middle management. Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say. I am completely fine with being attached to the baby for the foreseeable before anyone asks.

Partner is getting increasingly more irate with this topic but I just don’t want to budge. Do I need to give up some of my anxiety?

I think the issue is, nothing about this situation says he is going to do his share. OP might end up with the same amount of responsibility for feeding, less perhaps one or two feeds every however often the dads meet up, but in a way that she finds less convenient. Being able to share the load is often a massive benefit, but it does require someone else to share the load with.

Firstly, as you’re doing all the feeding and care it’s you’re decision.

I would suggest that there could be a compromise. With my firstborn, I introduced a bottle of expressed milk a week from around 4 weeks. It wasn’t about DH getting a chance to bond with the baby (he was already doing that), it was to preserve the option of baby taking a bottle at some point if I wanted or needed to be away from the baby. It wasn’t really extra work, one hand pump per week and one bottle to sterilise.

With my second born, he absolutely refused bottles and didn’t take his first until over a year old, despite my DH trying multiple times. That was a bit of a nightmare tbh!

You’re still really early in your breastfeeding journey so I understand that you are hesitant to do anything that might interrupt it. I seriously doubt that baby would develop a bottle preference at this point, especially if it’s very occasional bottle use.

Ok I've been here in a sense (not about the partner bit though, sorry, sounds unfair). I absolutely wanted my BF baby to be able to take a bottle when and if needed. By this I mean when the odd occasion arose that I'd be away from him for a few hours (for odd opportunity to have a much earned break!). Pumping didn't work for us as I just couldn't get much and by the time I did it we were basically ready for the next feed - but then I didn't have any milk left?! It never really made sense to me it was so much work and so overwhelming. Might have made a difference that he was given the odd bottle in hospital to ensure he had enough so was essentially mixed fed for a few days until we got home and I put the hard work in. We decided my husband was to feed him once a day so he gave him a bottle and it freed me up for a few hours, it was such a help!! And the same if my mam was minding him for a few hours. It really really made a huge difference jusy for that odd feed. Baby didn't reject the boob in any way and he had a bottle amazingly well. Whenever he'd be minded by a family member over the months he'd have a bottle fine. Around 7/8 months his teeth started to come in (biting/bleeding) and he was clearly too hungry in the night so gradually gave him more bottles and our amazing journey naturally had to end. In short I don't think the odd bottle out of all the feeds they'll be having will make a blind bit of difference to your baby but it will give YOU a break and your partner will feel like he's being useful and have some bonding time. However if baby rejects bottle then you can just keep trying or have to just pump if you can. What's the deal with the sterilising? Its not much of a hassle with the MAM bottles you can just sterlise them in the microwave, both of yoh can do it especially if its only a one off feed. He definitely needs to help with that or you both need to be more informed about it as it's not much work as a one off at all regardless of who does it, but to refuse yet he wants to feed does not make sense. It's either you pumping for him or him sterilslising, I know which one takes more work...

So basically you have two babies.

Pumping was an absolute disaster for me - didn’t work at all - so we got formula (disgusting ingredients btw) so DH could be ‘heroDad’. What a waste of time just for that. Dd didn’t want bottle at all - sort of had to be forced upon her. I regretted giving up EBF very much - by far the easiest thing to do

I think you are being slightly unreasonable, i understand how well you are doing breastfeeding and its fantastic.

However baby is only young and as time goes on and things maybe aren’t as calm as they are now you might enjoy a couple of hours downtime will DH takes baby, this will only be possible if he can take a bottle. This may be more difficult the later you leave it.

Another issue is the cultural difference, i have french family and your DH attitude does reflect theirs i’ll point out its actually the wives that are french - the two males are English. Also growing up French are extremely strict generally, theres a book called something along the lines of french kids don’t throw food. My kids are well behaved in english standards but look like absolute horrors next to my neices and nephews 🙈 i quake at my SIL’s when they get going.

I do also kind of see why the PND was suggested as if you were male and suggesting to tag along to a female catch up it would be seen as very controlling, and not letting baby leave you can be seen as a sign, however overall it doesn’t seem this is the issue here.

The fact he has more money does not mean he should have more control than you - he needs to be a team player and baby’s wellbeing and welfare must come first.

Well he's that's awful she's planning on marrying him.

I have never commented this on a post but honestly LTB. So many red flags.

He does not have more of a say because he happens to earn more - he should see you as a team supporting a baby you share (as well as choosing to share your lives). I took years off with our babies and have always managed our finances because I'm better at it (all joint since we bought our first house, which was before we got married - because this is the point we decided to do life together). Husband earns double me, he's also had time off with babies but it's always all ours. We disagree sometimes but talk things through, both our pov are valid.

You're in a very vulnerable position not getting married. If you suggested going to the registry office now to make it official to protect you and baby what would he say?

All jobs (mental load and otherwise) should be shared. I think your instinct is correct about bottle feeding not being about bonding and being about showing off - he can show off his skills by starting to change nappies (and get up at night) or he'll never be capable of looking after his child on his own. Even if it were the latter, its still ultimately your decision as you are currently solely responsible for feeding this baby and any change is going to have the biggest impact on you. He should care enough about you and baby not to put his needs ahead of both!

If you want baby sleeping with you until 1 (which is the advice in the UK I think) you should be able to have a say in this.

I think you have lots to talk about and you need to find a way to communicate well soon. This is one of the most stressful times as a couple but you seem miles apart and it doesn't seem you are able to have your say and feel you will be listened to as an equal. This is a really bad situation to be in.

OP - as other posters have already said, don't let him ruin breastfeeding. It sounds like you have had a fantastic experience with it, and if you are enjoying it and finding it easy then it is absolutely the best thing for both baby and you. I wouldn't have introduced a bottle in your circumstances!

It is also not selfish to worry about introducing a bottle causing breast aversion. Although I would think in your case with well established breastfeeding and a healthy growing baby that would be unlikely.

I breastfed both of my DC and the experience with my first was really hard, for various reasons. We did use some bottles early on, which was a faff and I worried about breast aversion, but we did end up EBF from about 1 month old up until weaning age. My husband was amazing with washing and sterilising bottles, etc. and feeding baby at night if I needed him to. He was doing it to help me though, not for his own benefit!
My second never had a bottle, completely different breastfeeding experience (although she didn't sleep for years so they both had their challenges)!

Good luck OP. You sound like you are doing and amazing job! Don't like him push you into doing something you don't feel is in your son's best interests.

Agreed if mother is abusive - otherwise disagree. Breast-feeding - mother’s breast milk - is accepted by all U.K. health advice and therefore courts as the optimum.

Delivery of this by bottle where mother doesn’t reside with infant is impractical and sometimes impossible. Have you expressed milk? It’s sometimes impossible, difficult or painful and by no means as efficient as the alternative.

I traveled long haul to visit family when they were about 6 months old and would never have weaned off breast before then. Flying long haul with an ebf baby- fine. Flying long haul with having to make up bottles - no thanks!!

But this is a derailment of the principal concern of the thread . So perhaps we leave it there and agree to disagree.

I started the thread, indeed I opened the thread, thinking “you are definitely not being unreasonable”. I’ve stopped reading the OP and now thinking “this relationship isn’t going to last long and that’s his fault. Honestly OP I would start reconsidering your future with this dickhead.

Sorry to say there are some red flags here. Most importantly the arrogance that he earns more than you so his opinion and decisions are more important and he should have to deal with any life admin.

the lack of non-performative engagement, eg doing nappies, is also concerning.

however - I think a lot of dads don’t engage with babies as well as they do with toddlers and older, ie when they interact and play. Newborns need their mums and it is brilliant that you are in that lovely BF bubble and well bonded.

i can totally get why you don’t want to mess up your baby’s diet by introducing formula but it could benefit baby and you longer term. I think it is incredibly unlikely baby would prefer a bottle to BF - BF comes with the comfort of snuggling into you. If he can take a bottle that will give you the option to leave him with his dad and longer term will make it easier when he transitions to a childminder.

pumping is an ovary ache, if DP wants to introduce a bottle it would be much easier if he were to do so with formula - you can get little packs of ambient premix so no worries about storage or supply.

Babies rarely take a bottle of their mum because they’d rather have boob so if he is to have it DP will have to manage the introduction of a bottle without you in the room.

washing and sterilising is a faff but if it is just the odd bottle now and then it’s not too bad.

in short, I would let him but pass responsibility for it entirely over to DP. ‘Yes dear, it would be lovely if you could take baby out and also look after him when I need to pop out, let me know how you get on’

this doesn’t guarantee anytning, you just can’t pick it with babies. did the pumping (hated every second of it) to feed ds1 some bottles reasonably regularly at 3, 4 months for exactly this reason, made me miserable and wiped out but I thought it’d be worth it. From 5 months he wouldn’t touch bottles.

Yes, I have.

There’s no reason to introduce a bottle if your or your baby don’t want. Your body your choice!

for what it’s worth, my eldest was combi fed and I hated it. I saw literally no benefit to doing it. Out of the 14 bottles a week he had, I had to do 10 as DH was at work. I wish I’d gone back to EBF.

I EBF my second. She was also a baby that put in weight well, fed well and slept well. She also refused dummies and the one bottle I tried to give her. I just saw no point in trying to force it.

DH did bath times and story time. He’d had cuddles / play time while I napped. Once solids started he’d do their meals at weekends (pre covid days so he was out the house 7-7 during the week)

He's a proud dad and he wants to show his baby off. It's good to have a few hours to yourself so I suggest you express milk, get one of these instant sterilisers and book a coffee date with a friend. It will do both of you a world of good.

As for the 6 months, back in the day we never had the babies in our room, this is a new thing. They were in the nursery almost from the get-go so 6 months really is long enough.

I am not a fan of this guy. He seems lazy and domineering.

Thing is he will just want to do this the one time, then hand the baby back. He’s not factoring in all of the work around it. Same with wanting baby out of the room at 6 months. Baby will just transfer to a cot, no problem!

I think it wrong to assume it’s performative
as a dad a few of us used to meet up
there was nothing performative about it
great to take the kids somewhere
Helps you build a little network
because as a dad going to other groups on your own as a man your not particularly made welcome

Plus as he's not doing night feeds, and clearly won't even if baby is partially/fully bottle fed by then, he won't concern himself with the extra faff of going into another room to feed and settle.

Also (as usual) loads of myths about breastfeeding on here.

to address a few

leaving a EBF baby - once they are around 12 weeks it should be ok to feed baby and leave for around 3 hours. If mum isn’t there baby is unlikely to ask for milk. Yes it takes some timing and work around that but it’s possible. From 6 month they can have milk in a sippy cup. As solid intake increases they can also be left for longer with solids and water instead. They may have longer feeds when back with mum if needed.

Make it harder to go to childminder - nope. They can feed before and after (and likely will to reconnect) there’s no evidence that a EBF baby will be harder to settle in childcare than a bottle fed baby.

sleep - zero scientific evidence that bottles make babies sleep more or better. None check BASIS for the studies.

Baby can go to pub without bottle fir an hour or two and be fine.

Dad needs to step up wiith nappies.