AIBU to not want to give a bottle to our EBF baby to benefit my partner?

[gratedcheeseandham]

Would love some opinions because I can see both sides (sort of) and not sure if it’s anxiety from my side or not.

Partner and I have an 8 week out baby who is exclusively breastfed from the breast. He’s had no problems latching at all and I’ve absolutely adored breastfeeding. Baby has never had a problem with my milk, no tummy issues, has only ever gained weight (didn’t lose any weight after birth) and can be fed at the moment in 10 mins. I’ve had no problems with pain or engorgement. I feel extremely lucky that our BF journey has been going well - I am part of an antenatal group where a lot of people have struggled. In said antenatal group, every single baby (10 in total) have been introduced to a bottle, some are completely on formula and some have expressed breastmilk. I want to make it clear I have no problem with however any woman wants to feed her baby, fed is best.

Basically, my boyfriend wants to be able to feed the baby so he can take the baby places by himself. There is a dad meet up with the antenatal dads at the pub where they are all bringing their babies. Boyfriend is really annoyed that he either 1. Won’t be able to take the baby 2. I will have to be there in some capacity (I have suggested me coming, sitting on the other side of the pub with a friend not related to the antenatal group and bf can pass me the baby if he gets hungry. He is eating every 2 hours at the moment, however this can be shorter in the evenings). Boyfriend thinks I’m being extremely selfish in not letting me introduce a bottle to the baby and that I should compromise. My concerns to introducing a bottle are:

1. It will fall on me to do all the washing, sterilising etc. I explicitly asked if we introduced a bottle would my boyfriend also take care of the prep work - he said no, this would be split. I explained to him this included researching formula, finding and buying bottles, cleaning and sterilising and making sure baby is burped afterwards.
2. With pumping, I feel like it’s not exactly giving me a ‘break’ it’s just transferring the work. I don’t want to have to find the time to pump, then store etc.
3. This one is a bit silly but I’m afraid of baby preferring bottle over breast and rejecting breast
4. Feeding is the ONE AND ONLY thing that is exclusive to me. Boyfriend can bond in so many different ways - changing, playing etc. At the moment, boyfriend changes a nappy maybe once every three days (and never one with poo). I let boyfriend stay in bed until 9 (bf works from home) whilst I am up with our son from 6. I do 99% of the child rearing. In a stubborn way, I am apprehensive of relinquishing this one thing that only I can do.
5. I am already ‘compromising’ on other aspects of childcare, for example boyfriend wants baby out of our room 6 months exactly (even going so far as to ‘joking’ that on midnight of his 6 months he will go into his room). I wanted him in our room until he was at least 9 months, even up to a year. He is a great sleeper, though I know this can change, so it’s not the fact bf doesn’t get any sleep. In fact, he regularly gets at least 10-11 hours as he doesn’t wake up at all in the night.

To not drip feed, I am taking a year off of work. Baby will be going to a childminder afterwards. Boyfriend earns triple what I do doing a 100% remote 9-5 WFH project management job. I work as a secondary teacher in middle management. Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say. I am completely fine with being attached to the baby for the foreseeable before anyone asks.

Partner is getting increasingly more irate with this topic but I just don’t want to budge. Do I need to give up some of my anxiety?

'Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say.'

I admit I haven't read every reply, but the above is extremely concerning.

I actually went against the grain here and voted YABU. You seem quite pedantic. You don’t need to spend hours researching formula and make a huge deal out of your boyfriend burping your baby - I presume he is a grown man? You had a baby with this man so there must be love and trust there (I would hope) my DD was bottle and breastfed for months and actually I loved the break when my husband bottle fed her. MN hate men so your boyfriend is absolutely going to come out worse on this but it looks to me like he wants to spend some time with his baby, and god forbid he wants to take them out to a men’s meet up and give you a break!!! The washing etc is a non negotiable if he wants to do this then he does the cleaning but I actually don’t think he’s being that unreasonable. He needs to step up with the nappies though, you know you can just say no you change it when the baby does a poo?

You baby is only 8 weeks old !!!!!
I have had 3 ebf babies. pumping a bottle of ebm is zero break imo. There are millions of other ways a dad can support you and bond with baby.
absolutely no way would i let a baby go anywhere without me at that age.

He should go along to the meet up and make friends and bring the baby for a short visit or just be alone. In a few weeks or months the baby will still be a baby but will be fine between feeds for longer! 8 weeks is peak cluster feeding time so best to let you and baby get on with it for this short but intense period of time while your baby has serious growing to do, doubling its birthweight!

Honestly the time is so short and it will pass and he can have more and more time bonding and being parent in charge (which is a brilliant thing for a dad to bond, just not if it displaces the initial breastfeeding focus).

On a practical note, as baby refuses the dummy etc., i'd imagine it's very unlikely that he'd accept a bottle. Mine was the same, refused anything other than the nipple so I was her only source of food whether I liked it or not (I liked it, luckily enough).

This was a baby that would take a bottle in the very early days (to give me a break). Once she was off them for a few weeks, she totally refused them forever more.

It worries me that many posters have missed this.

From experience, it’s not that easy to get an EBF baby to accept a bottle anyway. When one of mine was 5 months I wasn’t apparently producing enough, and the non-stop feeding to try to satisfy her was exhausting. I don’t mind admitting that it was a huge relief when she - finally - accepted the bottle, and I knew after a few minutes that she’d had a full bottle, and was contented.

"Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say."

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

First: He should be topping up your mat pay.
Second: You get to choose. Don't get forced into doing something. You are the mum.
But, make it easy on yourself and maybe, when you're ready, you can pack some ready made bottles for your partner to take baby out. But, his attitude about it, and the rest of your points, stinks right now.

And what's the deal with taking baby to the pub? I don't get that at all. 👎

The only other thing I'll say is please don't worry about baby developing a preference for a bottle over you. If your bond is strong, lots of holding skin to skin especially, and breastfeeding is going well the preference for bf'ing will remain. 💜
I made up bottles of formula to be given to my 2nd dc when I wasn't around, ie errands etc and baby adapted, but always preferred bf'ing.

I bottle fed both of mine as bf did not work out either time.

So my DH did bottle feed - but not so he could pretend to be dad of the year, but to support me.

I’d give your P a broadside, to be honest. There are few things more pathetic than a dad who won’t change a nappy. There is not one single male relative or friend of mine who behaved like that 20 plus years ago. More recently my niece’s DH changed their two, whatever the state of the nappy. So I’d tell him that before he mentions waltzing off with baby to a man’s group he can crack on with nappy changing.

I cannot see any benefit to your baby of being introduced to bottle and formula feeding earlier than you would like so that your boyfriend can take the baby to sit in the pub

1. Other household admin is my responsibility and always has been, including insurance, anything to do with car, holiday planning, gifts/birthdays for both sides of the family, anything to do with home improvement/DIY (bf takes care of garden), grocery shopping is joint as it’s our ‘Saturday activity’ with a coffee. I may ask to delegate some of these now to BF, as the only household task he does is cook. He says he brings in the money (especially now I’m on maternity), so he ‘shouldn’t have to’ worry about anything else. BF grew up with a stay at home mum and working dad.

Did he used to pay someone else to do these things before you came along? If not, why the fuck are you accepting this. Have vagina = housekeeper and personal secretary? Should have been a massive ick.

I couldn’t pump, nothing came out even after hours of trying. I just felt like a cow being milked without success. Awful.

I agree with the OP but I also think the judgement on the partner is harsh and lacks empathy. Firstly, his French culture provides a context to his request and when there are cultural differences it’s important to avoid immediately attributing those differences solely to nefarious or malicious motivations. Secondly, he’s clearly excited about being a new father and there’s nothing wrong with celebrating his new fatherhood with other new dads. Does this mean that the OP should go along with his request? I’d say probably not. But the trashing of this dad is just unwarranted. The judgement really doesn’t need to be so binary.

I don’t really understand why you say that only the primary caregiver can bond with a baby, then say this is protective from an evolutionary perspective due to maternal deaths. If anything, a baby being able to form attachments with other caregivers as well would be protective if it’s mother died?

I think this is probably a misunderstanding of attachment research. Babies can absolutely start forming relationships with people other than their mother from birth – they can recognise familiar voices, faces, smells and ways of being held, and become attached to any regular caregivers.

I think it’s pretty irresponsible to tell people that babies don’t bond until 12 weeks. At best it’s an oversimplification, and at worst it’s just completely untrue.

Your post is ringing loads of alarm bells for me.

In your post you've described a boyfriend who:

• Is focusing on his wants more than his 8 week old baby's needs
• expects you to do the legwork to support his decisions
• won't compromise (you going and staying nearby is completely fine)
• thinks that because he earns more he gets the final say in decisions about your baby

I'd be concerned about any of these traits in a relationship. Particularly the last one, wheres that going to end? He chooses the school, he vetos vaccinations etc because he happens to have a higher paid job?

He can just go without your baby to the meet up, it's really useful at that age to have someone with a spare pair of hands when other adults want to eat, go to the loo etc. I expect you're right that he just wants to show off what a great parent he is being.

Your baby is still so little, in literally a few weeks they will have a more reliable feeding schedule and be trying real food, he will have all the time in the world to take the baby to meet ups

Bf is a total dickhead.

If you are successful with breastfeeding there is absolutely no need to give a bottle. It is a faff and not in the best interests of the baby. Nor is it helpful for you when you are establishing breastfeeding.

Six months is just the earliest you can move a baby into it's own room- it isn't a goal! You can keep them in with you for a long as you want. You shouldn't be asking permission to go slightly over six months. This dynamic is weird and sounds toxic.

Your baby is still so little, in literally a few weeks they will have a more reliable feeding schedule and be trying real food

Eh?

Honestly I think ebf is just a different journey. Not better or worse just different. However you feed your baby there are perceived pros and cons that another mother might feel totally different about.

And so much depends on what type of baby you have, how involved your partner is, your own approach to parenting - some mums aren't bothered about going out or go places they can’t take the baby with them etc.

It’s one thing if you want your baby to take a bottle and they won’t but if you don’t want them to take a bottle and know that means that the feeding is on you then that’s fair enough.

That's outdated.
Some babies have stronger separation anxiety than others, but it is still normal. You can't make your baby excessively clingy by being near them too much and you can't be near them too much. Your presence reassures them and keeps them calm and happy.

Zero evidence for this btw…

funny how we as adults like to sleep next to our partners but think there’s an issue with our children wanting to sleep near us too….

I absolutely agree with you on everything you've said. It's lovely being able to breastfeed and it won't go on forever.
I think it should stay as it is and like you said, visit the pub with a friend in case your baby needs feeding, when your boyfriend is at the Dad's meetup.

Many red flags. He prefers his own cooking?

I would not introduce a bottle for anyone’s convenience but my own. There’s nothing convenient about it if BF is successful. Imagine baby would refuse a bottle anyway.

He needs a frank chat about all things parenting, finances and household chores equality.

Baby comes first. The notion that you should give up something that is working so well so he can have a dads' night out with the lads is risible.

@gratedcheeseandham a warning, your bf sounds similar to my ex. I had a similar breastfeeding experience to yours.
He wanted to feed our baby so that he could “feel involved”. At some cost to myself I organised a steriliser and some bottles, and a pump, and I asked if he would be on hand to help me learn to pump. He never made time. Eventually his mum did so.
I expressed a lot of milk over time (giving myself mastitis in the process- expressing was very difficult for me even if I was overfull, so I used to feed twice from one side so as to build the other side up to be able to pump). I prepared bottles
for him for when he got home from work.

He gave her perhaps 3 bottles. Ever.
He washed up and sterilised no bottles.
A year later (full of rage) I threw away a load of frozen breast milk.

It had nothing to do with him bonding with our baby. It had everything to do with him resenting me.

I would insist as a minimum that your bf does the legwork on this, as he wants it so badly. He researches, he buys, he sterilises and stores and dates it. If he wants it, he’ll do all this.