AIBU to not want to give a bottle to our EBF baby to benefit my partner?

[gratedcheeseandham]

Would love some opinions because I can see both sides (sort of) and not sure if it’s anxiety from my side or not.

Partner and I have an 8 week out baby who is exclusively breastfed from the breast. He’s had no problems latching at all and I’ve absolutely adored breastfeeding. Baby has never had a problem with my milk, no tummy issues, has only ever gained weight (didn’t lose any weight after birth) and can be fed at the moment in 10 mins. I’ve had no problems with pain or engorgement. I feel extremely lucky that our BF journey has been going well - I am part of an antenatal group where a lot of people have struggled. In said antenatal group, every single baby (10 in total) have been introduced to a bottle, some are completely on formula and some have expressed breastmilk. I want to make it clear I have no problem with however any woman wants to feed her baby, fed is best.

Basically, my boyfriend wants to be able to feed the baby so he can take the baby places by himself. There is a dad meet up with the antenatal dads at the pub where they are all bringing their babies. Boyfriend is really annoyed that he either 1. Won’t be able to take the baby 2. I will have to be there in some capacity (I have suggested me coming, sitting on the other side of the pub with a friend not related to the antenatal group and bf can pass me the baby if he gets hungry. He is eating every 2 hours at the moment, however this can be shorter in the evenings). Boyfriend thinks I’m being extremely selfish in not letting me introduce a bottle to the baby and that I should compromise. My concerns to introducing a bottle are:

1. It will fall on me to do all the washing, sterilising etc. I explicitly asked if we introduced a bottle would my boyfriend also take care of the prep work - he said no, this would be split. I explained to him this included researching formula, finding and buying bottles, cleaning and sterilising and making sure baby is burped afterwards.
2. With pumping, I feel like it’s not exactly giving me a ‘break’ it’s just transferring the work. I don’t want to have to find the time to pump, then store etc.
3. This one is a bit silly but I’m afraid of baby preferring bottle over breast and rejecting breast
4. Feeding is the ONE AND ONLY thing that is exclusive to me. Boyfriend can bond in so many different ways - changing, playing etc. At the moment, boyfriend changes a nappy maybe once every three days (and never one with poo). I let boyfriend stay in bed until 9 (bf works from home) whilst I am up with our son from 6. I do 99% of the child rearing. In a stubborn way, I am apprehensive of relinquishing this one thing that only I can do.
5. I am already ‘compromising’ on other aspects of childcare, for example boyfriend wants baby out of our room 6 months exactly (even going so far as to ‘joking’ that on midnight of his 6 months he will go into his room). I wanted him in our room until he was at least 9 months, even up to a year. He is a great sleeper, though I know this can change, so it’s not the fact bf doesn’t get any sleep. In fact, he regularly gets at least 10-11 hours as he doesn’t wake up at all in the night.

To not drip feed, I am taking a year off of work. Baby will be going to a childminder afterwards. Boyfriend earns triple what I do doing a 100% remote 9-5 WFH project management job. I work as a secondary teacher in middle management. Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say. I am completely fine with being attached to the baby for the foreseeable before anyone asks.

Partner is getting increasingly more irate with this topic but I just don’t want to budge. Do I need to give up some of my anxiety?

The point is that they are legally equal parents.

Absolutely it’s her own choice. And I said that they clearly have bigger issues than just the feeding. The fact the dad is doing so little is not acceptable and the money thing isn’t great either. Aside from those I was just offering my experience of being glad we did introduce one bottle a day, it’s not something that felt important when they were tiny but it’s so much harder to introduce a bottle later on.

I started pumping and got baby to take a bottle at ten days because I knew I would need a break from bf and baby, wanted to cover all bases and didn’t want a bottle refuser. No problems. Baby carried on bf just fine both times. And God, was I glad to be able to have that break as time went on. Day and night.
23 years ago now and no regrets.

That's a big if. Most babies won't absolutely refuse to take a bottle and starve themselves. Especially when mum isn't close by.

A dad leaving with his baby isnt DV.

And yes I know you can get a same day court case, but that is because the judge has to determine where the baby should stay because both parents have equal rights. It isn't like if my sister took my baby. She has no parental rights. Their dad is different.

The point is that they and always will have equal parental responsibility for the children. I personally took that to mean I need to have the very best family life where we are all content and so keeping as a family seems like the best choice for all of us.

That means choosing someone who is aligned with my ideals on family life, delegation of responsibilities etc but also remembering that I want this type of family life after I had kids and the reality sets in. It's remembering not to misuse your power.

Wrtf have I just read
Your boyfriend should be so proud of you feeding your baby
How dare he pressure you ,to do something that doesn't benefit baby ,but just to benefit him.
What a nob you have there
You have mastered feeding your baby ..why on earth would you think of disrupting this
Your bloke is selfish..and I think this will become more obvious in time

It’s not a small thing. Pumping or prepping/cleaning formula bottles is a huge pain. I had to do both before I was able to EBF and it was a huge relief to stop.

They don't attach outside of the primary care giver, the breastfeeding Mother, in this case. We think it's evolutionary and it allowed the death of a Mother to happen, without trauma. Newborns shouldn't be forced to be away from their Mother's, we recognise this during, hospital stays, SS intervention and in Prisons etc.

You can just buy ready made formula that even has a teat to attach. No sterilising or mixing up formula necessary. Having said that, he sounds controlling and unpleasant. I wouldn't be compromising on the 6-month own room or breastfeeding in general tbh.

when you both work usually, does he work more hours than you? If not, then this is all just totally wrong.
It is rampant misogyny to claim he ‘earns the money’ so you have to do all life admin.
Drop the rope. Stop doing his family birthdays etc. You need to attempt to reset your relationship before you end up working again and doing all childcare, housework and life admin.
However, tbh, a man who says those kinds of things rarely changes. He believes he’s too good for the menial tasks (simply because he’s a man) and you will have a constant battle to get him to do anything. Good luck.

The courts - and law’s - primary focus at all times is supposed to be the welfare of the child. Parental rights come way below this.

He sounds clueless.

The great benefit of bottle feeding is that someone else can do it. But he's not even pretending he's going to take that over now! I bet if you did start bottle feeding, be it pumped or formula, the washing and sterilising would fall more on you.

And bf is front loaded, no pun intended. The downsides are primarily at the start and once you've come out on the other side is when it starts to get easier. It's like you've had exclusive exposure to the cons and now you're being asked to give up full access to the pros.

There are obviously wider issues here with your BF stepping up into fatherhood and his attitude towards your shared life and responsibilities split but I’m going to focus on your actual question. You would be a bit unreasonable if his desire to feed the baby was anything other than performative (which it clearly is).
My suggestion for you is to take him at his word and say ‘yes, if you really want to, then OK’ to him. Hear me out - say yes, then do absolutely nothing else. Don’t buy bottles or sterilising equipment, if they get bought, don’t sterilise them. Be prepared to express a small amount, for his dad’s group, but that is it. After you have said yes, if he complains, say ‘I said yes already, by all means go ahead, what’s stopping you?’ (E.g. I have no bottle) - ‘well, no you won’t until you buy some’ and so on. Do nothing about it. I suspect when he has all the work, he won’t bother anyway. He might manage one bottle at his men’s group.

@gratedcheeseandham why are you even entertaining this?

He wants to be an equal partner/parent then he takes his share of getting up early with the baby, changing nappies, doing housewor and life admin.

Why have you ended up in a situation where he literally does nothing but cook?! There’s such an arrogance about someone who thinks that because they earn more, then their partner should literally clean up around them whilst they sit on their arse. He is saying that it is your job to service his life because you earn less than him. How deeply misogynistic and unattractive.

He only cooks because he likes it!!

Tell him in no uncertain terms that he can fuck right off with his demands that are nothing to do with stepping up and all about showing off… and whilst you’re at it, make it very clear that you will no longer accept that you will pick up everything because he deems this to be beneath him.

What are his redeeming qualities exactly OP?

Im sure some on MN will disagree but earning all the money doesn’t mean you get to opt out of the grind of parenting and having a home. He’s got a big boy job I’m sure he’s capable of putting some laundry on and buying presents for his own side of the family.

Youre already the default parent, did you do all the admin and housework pre kids? Don’t become a martyr, set some limits now. And don’t pump and introduce a bottle unless YOU want to, not for him to perform being a capable Dad. What an ick.

Good Lord.. if it ain't broke, don't fix it!

EBF babies are SO much easier for the mother. When they get hungry, you feed them. No powder, no cooled boiled water, no sterilising. You just feed them. It's always to hand. Your nappy bag has nappies in it. When you want to leave the house..You just leave the house.

Why on earth would you mess this up so a bloke can appear to be a great, hands on dad for a couple of hours.
Nope. Just, nope.

He’s making all the demands.Make some of your own. Think what’s best for baby and you. Eg would it be better if baby would take occasional bottle for baby and you? If so he needs to support by doing the work.

Get your finances equalised now. Take out life insurance and make wills if you haven’t already.

Good grief. What am I reading? He sounds awful! He’d really rather feed your precious firstborn formula than have him breastfeed? That tells you all you need to know about his priorities right there.

Hun I can tell you now unless a miracle happens where EBF baby sleep for 8 hours it’s unlikely baby will be in it’s own room at 6 months, and if they are you’ll probably be going into feed. If you love EBF stand your ground and get a health professional on board to back to you up. If he wants to feed he needs to be doing the sterisiling etc. and funnily enough I know loads of babies who won’t take a bottle after being EBF, and loads of babies who prefer the bottle and won’t go back in the boob. I’d get advice from your local infant feeding team about if you are to introduce a bottle how best to do it, make sure you get slow flow teets etc as faster flow teets means baby will have more milk quicker and less likely to want boob again.
edited after seeing some more of your replies. Absolutely stand your ground, you also need to be emotionally prepared if you are weaning him off breastmilk at 6 months you will have a hormone dump that will be a difficult period for you. Personally do what you want to do, if you don’t want to wean at 6 months don’t!! many women who give up BF before they are ready are much more likely to experience depression and anxiety as a result, I’m not trying to frighten you but it is a known phenomenon. Please speak to your infant feeding team for support!! Xxx

Who does he think would be paying for the bottles and buying/hiring a pump if you need one OP?

how can a man who does fuck all be supportive? It’s your baby, you do everything for it, baby can stay in your room as long as you like unless he’s done half the night wakings and getting up in the morning, you get complete say in baby until he’s putting in the effort doing some of the work. Happily changing nappies because it’s his baby. If you let him get at your confidence you might well have ppd, it’s really common when your partner is shit.

Welfare if child doesnt necessarily mean stay with mum. Even if mum is breastfeeding.

I have had several friends whose babies became 'bottle refusers' as they didn't introduce a bottle, and to be honest it looks like a really hard life to me. They were never able to go out and leave their babies for more than an hour or two (fine in the early stages but more wearing after 6 months) and they were perpetually more exhausted because all feeds were on them, 24 hours a day, and they couldn't share the load. I would (and did) be letting dad do his share of feeds xx

How can it be that he have a 8 week old baby, but never changed a pooh?! That's insane.
If he wants to give baby a bottle then everyone do with that is down to him, why would you share the workload?
I also EBF my kids. I did occasionally give a bottle, but it was very difficult. Pumping was really awful and extremely slow for me.
Also, any time I missed my normal boob slot of feeding, they'd become engorged, hurt and leak milk. So I could not relax anyway.
Do not marry this man, he is not being a supportive partner or a great dad.

I think actually you have other serious issues with the boyfriend beyond the feeding!! He doesn’t sound like your partner and actually I think there’s some huge red flags in your post. I suspect he will end up being controlling or worse…