AIBU to not want to give a bottle to our EBF baby to benefit my partner?

[gratedcheeseandham]

Would love some opinions because I can see both sides (sort of) and not sure if it’s anxiety from my side or not.

Partner and I have an 8 week out baby who is exclusively breastfed from the breast. He’s had no problems latching at all and I’ve absolutely adored breastfeeding. Baby has never had a problem with my milk, no tummy issues, has only ever gained weight (didn’t lose any weight after birth) and can be fed at the moment in 10 mins. I’ve had no problems with pain or engorgement. I feel extremely lucky that our BF journey has been going well - I am part of an antenatal group where a lot of people have struggled. In said antenatal group, every single baby (10 in total) have been introduced to a bottle, some are completely on formula and some have expressed breastmilk. I want to make it clear I have no problem with however any woman wants to feed her baby, fed is best.

Basically, my boyfriend wants to be able to feed the baby so he can take the baby places by himself. There is a dad meet up with the antenatal dads at the pub where they are all bringing their babies. Boyfriend is really annoyed that he either 1. Won’t be able to take the baby 2. I will have to be there in some capacity (I have suggested me coming, sitting on the other side of the pub with a friend not related to the antenatal group and bf can pass me the baby if he gets hungry. He is eating every 2 hours at the moment, however this can be shorter in the evenings). Boyfriend thinks I’m being extremely selfish in not letting me introduce a bottle to the baby and that I should compromise. My concerns to introducing a bottle are:

1. It will fall on me to do all the washing, sterilising etc. I explicitly asked if we introduced a bottle would my boyfriend also take care of the prep work - he said no, this would be split. I explained to him this included researching formula, finding and buying bottles, cleaning and sterilising and making sure baby is burped afterwards.
2. With pumping, I feel like it’s not exactly giving me a ‘break’ it’s just transferring the work. I don’t want to have to find the time to pump, then store etc.
3. This one is a bit silly but I’m afraid of baby preferring bottle over breast and rejecting breast
4. Feeding is the ONE AND ONLY thing that is exclusive to me. Boyfriend can bond in so many different ways - changing, playing etc. At the moment, boyfriend changes a nappy maybe once every three days (and never one with poo). I let boyfriend stay in bed until 9 (bf works from home) whilst I am up with our son from 6. I do 99% of the child rearing. In a stubborn way, I am apprehensive of relinquishing this one thing that only I can do.
5. I am already ‘compromising’ on other aspects of childcare, for example boyfriend wants baby out of our room 6 months exactly (even going so far as to ‘joking’ that on midnight of his 6 months he will go into his room). I wanted him in our room until he was at least 9 months, even up to a year. He is a great sleeper, though I know this can change, so it’s not the fact bf doesn’t get any sleep. In fact, he regularly gets at least 10-11 hours as he doesn’t wake up at all in the night.

To not drip feed, I am taking a year off of work. Baby will be going to a childminder afterwards. Boyfriend earns triple what I do doing a 100% remote 9-5 WFH project management job. I work as a secondary teacher in middle management. Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say. I am completely fine with being attached to the baby for the foreseeable before anyone asks.

Partner is getting increasingly more irate with this topic but I just don’t want to budge. Do I need to give up some of my anxiety?

Agreed!!!

It sounds like this guy wants to do some 'easy' performative parenting in front of his mates to show off his dad skills, but I utterly unwilling to do any actual dad work in the home.

Breastfeeding grief is very real and reported by women who were pressured to stop before they wanted to. Bf is also the easiest and most convenient way to feed, and I have bf, bottle fed, expressed etc.

So OP, don't submit to his demands and I'd have a serious talk about the bigger issues you described in terms of parenting and so on. You are not being unreasonable at all.

Sure. That is how it is. I'm suggesting the OP think about how she wants her family life to be over the long term.

Of course you are not being unreasonable.

(Fed is the minimum by the way - not best! We know that formula has plenty of disadvantages compared to breastmilk.)

You are doing such a brilliant thing for your baby and your partner sounds u kind and unsupportive. I am sorry.

She could apply to the court for an emergency injunction and she would get it. The court's test is "what is in the child's best interests?" Removing an EBF baby from a good mum would never be.

There are many other ways for the dad to bond with the baby. He doesn't need to do the feeding. Plus in 4-8 months time the baby will start eating other food so won't be so reliant on milk.

oh its easy. Dump partner.

I agree with this. I was also lucky to have 2 babies who took to breastfeeding easily. The flip side was they absolutely would not entertain a bottle. We tried, we gave up. Yes we could have persisted more, but we gave it a good try for quite a while.

My niece takes a bottle grudgingly. Until the evening when only a feed from mum will do and she will scream the house down.

So she would need to go to court, right? No police officer or Social worker would remove the baby just because dad has them? Would they? No. So they are equally the parent of the child.

Your boyfriend is fucking awful op.

what he is asking is so thoroughly selfish - no decent parent would ever prioritise parading their child around before doing what is best for the child.

you paying 50% when you’re on mat leave is fucking shocking.

him dismissing your role and not valuing you is fucking shocking.

you seem to be completely blind to how awful he is, maybe he’s good looking and charming or something so your hormones are confusing you.

I hope you wake up soon.

ps the posters who agree with him are incels who have invaded this site

No bloody wonder rates of BF in this country are so low when people call new mums controlling and selfish for not wanting to bottle feed in order to let a feckless ineffective dad play proper parent at daddy club. That’s absolutely disgusting.

Decent dads don’t try and disrupt breastfeeding. They find ways of making breastfeeding easier for the breastfeeding mum. He can still go and performance parent without a bottle. Somehow my DH managed to parent perfectly well without DS having a bottle, including going off of on Dad days while I stayed baby-free with the mums. Feed before and immediately after, and either limit the duration or I went and sat in a cafe nearby in case baby was hungry. It’s not rocket science.

The Police would return a breastfed newborn back to the Mother, under a Police protection order. Anyone who dictates like this does not care about the best interests of the child. The court will not give overnight access while breastfeeding.
I've got a feeling that this will blow up once six months comes. If a baby is under the weather, they just want milk feeds, unless in the same room/bed, no-one gets any sleep. Parents can have unrealistic expectations around weaning and how satisfied a baby is by solid food. That should have been a vague plan. The DP will want it done, the baby not so much. The SIDS risk is going to be there, once they are in their own room. As said, this is a living being, not a prop.
@Zippedydoobaah babies don't bond until 12 weeks. Dads can bond in other ways besides feeding.

The problems here:

1. How do women complain about men not doing enough, the mental load etc etc and then allow them to not do enough? Your relationship is so unbalanced
2. I think it’s sweet he wants to go to a dad’s group and I would personally facilitate everything I could to make it happen. Baby benefits from going places with dad. Just pump!

No they wouldn't. They'd establish the dad was the father and say it has to go to court. An emergency hearing would be held due to the age of the baby.

I tried bottles once or twice with my kids, just so I could go out with a friend, although both times they were a bit older than yours is now, and they didn’t really take to them. The work of bottle prep is a pain, and I was happy to breastfeed exclusively. Breastfeeding was better for me, better for my kids, easier, and cheaper.

It’s really up to you. Pumping is a faff, but you might find it useful to be able to do when little one is older and you want to be able to go out for an evening. But regarding the pub visit, I’d personally say it’s too early and your partner should just do a shorter trip with baby.

I do find it interesting that he’s eager to care for baby in front of his friends but does so little baby care at home.

Emergency court hearing would get baby returned to mum though. It would be what is in best interests of the child.

No. The police would return an EBF baby which has never had formula to its mother supported and requested by social services unless the mother was abusive. You can’t take a tiny EBF - or even any - very small infant from its mother without trauma.

He’s being very selfish about this. The baby comes before him and it sounds like he hasn’t realised this act of parenting yet.

1. i hope it’s not because he doesn’t want you gaining access to his money….?
2. This is totally fine if you don’t want to pump. Say no. Say no again. Good grief when the blokes in our NCT group met up it was for a drink or a meal. They didn’t take the babies with them!! And certainly not at 8 weeks. The mums would not have even entertained that idea.
3. 100% it sounds like a performance. The fact he said it would be split. And not bothering with nappies - sorry what?!
4. honestly when you get to a few months of Bf it’s a hell of a lot easier to carry on than start a whole new thing of bottles - which you’d then need to wean off again in a few months. Having the baby by you for night time feeds so much easier too. But regardless of that why is he on about it now?! It’s like you’ve managed to EBF why can’t he be proud of you.
5. Saying he doesn’t need to because of money is just bring a prick.
6. Thats completely normal.

The point is that a hearing would have to be held. If dad could prove that he is the better parent, baby would stay with him. They are legally equal parents. She doesnt have any more legal rights over the child because she is BF. If she was an inferior parent despite BF, then baby would go to dad. It wouldn't stay with mum regardless of how well she parents because she BFs.

As it stands, baby will be going into his own room at 6 months. I have requested that we start in 2027 when he will be 6.5, but that’s only because I don’t want him to ‘wean’ over the Xmas period when we would already have a lot on our plate, BF agreed.

This is sad. You know, six months is an entirely arbitrary minimum (and entirely out of the step with the majority rest of the world, but that’s a different story.) He doesn’t have to go into a separate room then.

Baby going into a separate room doesn’t mean you have to stop breastfeeding him. Breastfeeding is an amazing tool, a magic wand, that soothes and fixes vaccinations, teething, pain etc. In my case it also meant I could feed my one year old for a week and he was desperately unwell to the point he wouldn’t accept any food or water.

He says he brings in the money (especially now I’m on maternity), so he ‘shouldn’t have to’ worry about anything else

This is a horrific attitude. By this logic he views the baby entirely as a burden. A series of unpleasant jobs.
From the other stuff you've said, he sounds really incapable as a father. Does he not care about you or his baby enough to pull his weight with the parenting?

The stuff about 6 months moving out of the room on the dot. I coslept with our oldest until he was 3 (I'm a dad) and our breastfed 13 month old will move into the kids room when she's ready. Not before. Not when it's 'culturally' right. Not when it's convenient. But when it's ready for us as a family.

If he's this checked out and lacking in love or interest in his own child as such an early stage, I dread to think what the coming years will be like. What a horrible man.

Well in this instance can’t see the partner being seen as dad of the year

If baby was fed and well, they'd leave baby where it was. Plenty of babies have to suddenly only have formula and adapt well. Especially if mum isn't close by. Anyone who has BF will tell you that baby is far more likely to take a bottle from someone else.

Then they'd be breaking their own guidelines. I'm involved in a DV service and this has happened, the baby has been returned. You can get a emergency, same day court case. I've supported women doing that to gave OR suspended. Any Dad who dud this would be advised by the Police that the courts would see the Father isn't behaving in the best interests of the baby. If he was a 50/50 hands on Dad, the court might see it as a blip and give good access with the Mother present. The OP's DP isn't hands on. He's also a flight risk, being a non national.

Quite possibly yes. If they completed a welfare check and EBF 8-week-old was refusing to take a bottle. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t just walk away and leave baby to starve. Can you imagine the consequences?

Why are you even talking about the dad leaving OP and taking the baby? Seems like he has a pretty good deal to me, what possible reason does he have to leave?

There is NOTHING selfish about wanting to breastfeed your baby. NOTHING.

Stick to your guns OP.
When breastfeeding is going well, then it is good for you and your baby to continue. This IS a case of breast is best.
Expressing can be a mega faff and could interrupt your successful breastfeeding journey which would be such a shame. It would be a big fat no from me.

Babies don’t bond until 12 weeks? That’s a wild bit of misinformation.

What did you actually mean by that? Am I misunderstanding? I definitely agree Dad can find other ways to bond with baby.