AIBU to not want to give a bottle to our EBF baby to benefit my partner?

[gratedcheeseandham]

Would love some opinions because I can see both sides (sort of) and not sure if it’s anxiety from my side or not.

Partner and I have an 8 week out baby who is exclusively breastfed from the breast. He’s had no problems latching at all and I’ve absolutely adored breastfeeding. Baby has never had a problem with my milk, no tummy issues, has only ever gained weight (didn’t lose any weight after birth) and can be fed at the moment in 10 mins. I’ve had no problems with pain or engorgement. I feel extremely lucky that our BF journey has been going well - I am part of an antenatal group where a lot of people have struggled. In said antenatal group, every single baby (10 in total) have been introduced to a bottle, some are completely on formula and some have expressed breastmilk. I want to make it clear I have no problem with however any woman wants to feed her baby, fed is best.

Basically, my boyfriend wants to be able to feed the baby so he can take the baby places by himself. There is a dad meet up with the antenatal dads at the pub where they are all bringing their babies. Boyfriend is really annoyed that he either 1. Won’t be able to take the baby 2. I will have to be there in some capacity (I have suggested me coming, sitting on the other side of the pub with a friend not related to the antenatal group and bf can pass me the baby if he gets hungry. He is eating every 2 hours at the moment, however this can be shorter in the evenings). Boyfriend thinks I’m being extremely selfish in not letting me introduce a bottle to the baby and that I should compromise. My concerns to introducing a bottle are:

1. It will fall on me to do all the washing, sterilising etc. I explicitly asked if we introduced a bottle would my boyfriend also take care of the prep work - he said no, this would be split. I explained to him this included researching formula, finding and buying bottles, cleaning and sterilising and making sure baby is burped afterwards.
2. With pumping, I feel like it’s not exactly giving me a ‘break’ it’s just transferring the work. I don’t want to have to find the time to pump, then store etc.
3. This one is a bit silly but I’m afraid of baby preferring bottle over breast and rejecting breast
4. Feeding is the ONE AND ONLY thing that is exclusive to me. Boyfriend can bond in so many different ways - changing, playing etc. At the moment, boyfriend changes a nappy maybe once every three days (and never one with poo). I let boyfriend stay in bed until 9 (bf works from home) whilst I am up with our son from 6. I do 99% of the child rearing. In a stubborn way, I am apprehensive of relinquishing this one thing that only I can do.
5. I am already ‘compromising’ on other aspects of childcare, for example boyfriend wants baby out of our room 6 months exactly (even going so far as to ‘joking’ that on midnight of his 6 months he will go into his room). I wanted him in our room until he was at least 9 months, even up to a year. He is a great sleeper, though I know this can change, so it’s not the fact bf doesn’t get any sleep. In fact, he regularly gets at least 10-11 hours as he doesn’t wake up at all in the night.

To not drip feed, I am taking a year off of work. Baby will be going to a childminder afterwards. Boyfriend earns triple what I do doing a 100% remote 9-5 WFH project management job. I work as a secondary teacher in middle management. Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say. I am completely fine with being attached to the baby for the foreseeable before anyone asks.

Partner is getting increasingly more irate with this topic but I just don’t want to budge. Do I need to give up some of my anxiety?

Until it poos anyway. OP will come in handy then.

I have been there and done that. My advice is to breastfeed exclusively for as long as it is working for you and the baby and everyone else be damned. Ignore ignore ignore. Giving a baby a bottle so he can go down the pub with his mates? Do you hear how ridiculous that sounds? Same with co-sleeping. If he doesn't like it, he can go sleep elsewhere. I don't want to sound dismissive, but what does he think magically happens at the six month mark? That level of ignorance and dogmatic thinking is precisely why he shouldn't be running the show. Frankly, the first poster nailed it as usual. Maybe he was a nice partner up until now but he is currently behaving like a dick.

Or he will just figure it out and change the nappy.

I read the OP, but given his performance up until now I am sceptical. I am not lying.

Why hasn't he done that in 8 weeks at home?

So you think the OP is lying and he never said that he will split the task?

I’m assuming it would be split in the same way nappy changes are split ie OP does most of it

It's really not a small thing, though - not in my opinion, at any rate.

Who knows? I don't think each parent has to do each task exactly 50% of the time.

Maybe because baby tends to poo at a time he is working. My kids have always been morning shitters.

Why is it split that way? Did you ask OP?

He doesn't even change wet nappies daily. does the baby only wee when he is working too? I doubt it.

OP is doing the vast majority and wants her to do even more just for his benefit.

Taking the baby with him to carouse with boozy mates in the pub sounds a bad idea in itself, let alone it requiring an otherwise needless change of feeding and extra work for you.

You can get pre made bottles so for this odd occasion you could get a couple of those so no work. Whether the baby will happily take them is another matter if it's only been breast fed. You could be on the phone in case of a problem to take over. It is actually really nice that he wants to look after the baby by himself (although he may regret it), my DH would have run a mile if I'd suggested he have an 8 week old by himself and bottle fed our breast fed baby. Not because he wasn't a good dad he was just terrified of doing something wrong.

So she tells him to wash the bottle. What a very low bar you have for men that you think he wouldn't change a nappy or wash a bottle!

It is a good thing to occasional express so others can help and be involved with feeding.

Your DP wants you to disrupt what is currently working brilliantly for you and an 8 week old baby, so he can go to the pub? No thanks!

I strongly believe the decision on breastfeeding lies with the mother who is actually feeding. It is even more infuriating that he basically does nothing else. At least if he was hands on, offering night/early morning bottles it would help you.

I do understand there is a culture behind this - what you are doing is different to his frames of reference. However it sounds like he doesn't get any of it. For starters, he can't take a baby out alone if he doesn't change a poo.

I would stand firm on this. If you introduce the bottle and it impacts feeding, you will be very upset. I would also add (from experience) that if breastfeeding is going so well, your DS will likely refuse a bottle, especially in the evening.

Please stop making stuff up and putting words into my mouth.

I still maintain that it isn't a good idea. We don't even know at this point whether the baby will take a bottle.

I'm holding up my hands here - I've never given birth myself.

However... My mother told me of her regret.

When I was born I was breastfed. There were relatives on my father's side who kept asking about "the baby's bottle". Because she was shy and embarrassed, Mum started to use the bottle and formula as well.

By the time I was 3 months old, her milk supply dried up. She always felt upset about that.

I know that pumping would likely keep your milk flow going but I honestly can't see the point in giving yourself all that extra work when there's no need for it.

Particularly after the conversation that I had my mum had with me (when I was in my 20s - so it obviously rankled) I would say that you're right to insist on doing what is right for you and your baby.

OP would have to express anyway to keep her supply up so it would still be work.

God forbid a man socialises with friends with their dc. You know pubs do food and coffees etc? So not necessarily 'boozy mates'? He's the df and wants to take his dc out!

It's a selfish motivation though. He's not offering to look after the baby at 6am so OP can have a lie in. He only wants to parent on his terms i.e. once a week to go to the pub.

I'm not in their house to see how things go. I don't know if OP set things up this way from the outset. Some women totally domimate the baby and dad doesnt get a look in until she's had enough of doing it all and wants him to suddenly step up and know everything she's learned in the last few weeks.

You need to change the entire culture of this family and how they operate.

Tell your boyfriend to grow the hell up. This baby isn’t some accessory or toy that he gets to play with it. It is a living and growing human and its needs come first. If you are able to exclusively breastfeed without the need of bottles that’s amazing. Don’t let anyone guilt you into stopping the most natural thing in the world.

I'm not making anything up, I'm responding directly to the words you write. They just don't seem to have much relation to the truth.

Ah, of course. It's the woman's fault if the father of the baby has never changed a shitty nappy.

Thanks all for the comments. To answer a few questions:

1. We are planning on getting married but it is not at the top of our to do list (perhaps naively with finances)
2. I would say the main reason I am so apprehensive of the bottle as I don’t want to pile on more work for myself and I enjoy it - why risk baby preferring bottle over breast? (This is perhaps the selfish reason). I think BF wants to basically show baby off to his mates as others have pointed out, and I’ve said this to BF. He pretty much agreed. I think it’s very important he has time with the dad group (I wouldn’t say they are friends as we have only met them 4 times and this would be the first of a dads meet up, which the mums had to push them to do anyway to try and make friends… but off topic).
3. I am cautious of becoming the default parent and have seen things already that I have stated (not bothering with nappies etc) that may mean I slip into one. I take care of everything admin-related to the baby, e.g clothes buying, appointment booking, keeping note on when we need nappies/blankets/misc baby items, researching schools, groups & activities and working out what we can afford. IF my bf expressed he wanted to feed because he wanted to bond, I would maybe think differently, but it is more an angle of trying to either show baby off or palm him off to babysitters - from what I know, this is more common in his French culture
4. As it stands, baby will be going into his own room at 6 months. I have requested that we start in 2027 when he will be 6.5, but that’s only because I don’t want him to ‘wean’ over the Xmas period when we would already have a lot on our plate, BF agreed.
5. Other household admin is my responsibility and always has been, including insurance, anything to do with car, holiday planning, gifts/birthdays for both sides of the family, anything to do with home improvement/DIY (bf takes care of garden), grocery shopping is joint as it’s our ‘Saturday activity’ with a coffee. I may ask to delegate some of these now to BF, as the only household task he does is cook. He says he brings in the money (especially now I’m on maternity), so he ‘shouldn’t have to’ worry about anything else. BF grew up with a stay at home mum and working dad.
6. baby refuses dummies, fingers, anything that isn’t my nipple in his mouth.