AIBU to not want to give a bottle to our EBF baby to benefit my partner?

[gratedcheeseandham]

Would love some opinions because I can see both sides (sort of) and not sure if it’s anxiety from my side or not.

Partner and I have an 8 week out baby who is exclusively breastfed from the breast. He’s had no problems latching at all and I’ve absolutely adored breastfeeding. Baby has never had a problem with my milk, no tummy issues, has only ever gained weight (didn’t lose any weight after birth) and can be fed at the moment in 10 mins. I’ve had no problems with pain or engorgement. I feel extremely lucky that our BF journey has been going well - I am part of an antenatal group where a lot of people have struggled. In said antenatal group, every single baby (10 in total) have been introduced to a bottle, some are completely on formula and some have expressed breastmilk. I want to make it clear I have no problem with however any woman wants to feed her baby, fed is best.

Basically, my boyfriend wants to be able to feed the baby so he can take the baby places by himself. There is a dad meet up with the antenatal dads at the pub where they are all bringing their babies. Boyfriend is really annoyed that he either 1. Won’t be able to take the baby 2. I will have to be there in some capacity (I have suggested me coming, sitting on the other side of the pub with a friend not related to the antenatal group and bf can pass me the baby if he gets hungry. He is eating every 2 hours at the moment, however this can be shorter in the evenings). Boyfriend thinks I’m being extremely selfish in not letting me introduce a bottle to the baby and that I should compromise. My concerns to introducing a bottle are:

1. It will fall on me to do all the washing, sterilising etc. I explicitly asked if we introduced a bottle would my boyfriend also take care of the prep work - he said no, this would be split. I explained to him this included researching formula, finding and buying bottles, cleaning and sterilising and making sure baby is burped afterwards.
2. With pumping, I feel like it’s not exactly giving me a ‘break’ it’s just transferring the work. I don’t want to have to find the time to pump, then store etc.
3. This one is a bit silly but I’m afraid of baby preferring bottle over breast and rejecting breast
4. Feeding is the ONE AND ONLY thing that is exclusive to me. Boyfriend can bond in so many different ways - changing, playing etc. At the moment, boyfriend changes a nappy maybe once every three days (and never one with poo). I let boyfriend stay in bed until 9 (bf works from home) whilst I am up with our son from 6. I do 99% of the child rearing. In a stubborn way, I am apprehensive of relinquishing this one thing that only I can do.
5. I am already ‘compromising’ on other aspects of childcare, for example boyfriend wants baby out of our room 6 months exactly (even going so far as to ‘joking’ that on midnight of his 6 months he will go into his room). I wanted him in our room until he was at least 9 months, even up to a year. He is a great sleeper, though I know this can change, so it’s not the fact bf doesn’t get any sleep. In fact, he regularly gets at least 10-11 hours as he doesn’t wake up at all in the night.

To not drip feed, I am taking a year off of work. Baby will be going to a childminder afterwards. Boyfriend earns triple what I do doing a 100% remote 9-5 WFH project management job. I work as a secondary teacher in middle management. Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say. I am completely fine with being attached to the baby for the foreseeable before anyone asks.

Partner is getting increasingly more irate with this topic but I just don’t want to budge. Do I need to give up some of my anxiety?

He has chosen to bring a child into the world but stays in bed till 9am and barely does so much as change a nappy? He sounds a right wanker, I’m so sorry you are discovering what he is like now it’s too late and your little one is here. I hope you can find a way forward where your baby isn’t treated as an accessory and you are not treated as a skivvy!

Not at 8 weeks if breastfeeding is going well for you. When you start weaning, or a bit before, might feel better. The baby will be learning lots of new tastes and textures anyway, you can be more relaxed about sterilizing. Given what you’ve said I’d hold firm at least until 4 months, probably 6.

Your offer to be nearby for the dads meetup is a good compromise in the meantime. There are plenty of other ways for bf to prove himself as a dad other than feeding.

Any suggestion that earning more means he gets a bigger say in parenting decisions needs shutting down firmly and consistently.

This is a really sensible post

i I had two EBF babies who would not take a bottle when we tried (we tried from around 6 weeks of age and ended up throwing so much expressed milk away) our middle child would take a bottle/dummy and it did make life a lot easier, particularly later on. Controverial, but I also think it helps dads develop independence looking after their own children if they don’t panic and hand them back to you to be fed as soon as they cry. In the early days you do form a tight mum/baby diad bubble, but you should also work towards having two equally involved parents sharing the load of bedtimes and sick days etc. it is possible that involving him in feeding may help with that (even though he does sound quite immature about it).

I think eventually you might appreciate your baby being comfortable taking a bottle. At 8 weeks I can totally understand why you want to EBF though, and I don’t think you should compromise because someone else wants you to. You might choose to build up a bit of a milk stash in the freezer, just in case, but you absolutely don’t have to. You are right that it’s a lot of work, because you have to do all that on top of feeding and everything else.

I didn’t have quite such a smooth breast feeding journey as you but did in the end continue breast feeding for 3 years. I expressed occasionally but my husband only got the chance to bottle feed our baby a handful of times. I did feel a bit sad that he hadn’t been part of that experience - he was very supportive of breastfeeding and he looked soooooo happy and excited when he finally got a chance to try. However, your boyfriend might find the whole experience a little disappointing if baby isn’t so keen on bottles after EBF - there’s no guarantee baby will appreciate the change to the boob - ours certainly didn’t.

Please don’t feel pressured into this - 8 weeks is still very, very young. For you to be separated from your baby for longer than a couple of hours will be strange for baby and for you. It doesn’t matter what other people are doing, do what’s right for you.

I don't do that thing where I get with a guy, have a kid with them, and then make sure all aspects of our life are under my strict control or a source of utter conflict.

I want my kids to have a good relationship with their father. Expressing a bottle of milk so he can take the baby out with some male friends is a small and positive thing to encourage. I wouldn't obstruct that just because I can. I don't want to have that type of life. I understand many do, but it isn't for me.

We have a happy, loving fanily home where everyone's needs.and views are heard and encompassed into final decisions. We don't pull rank or see our children as something to war over.

He said because he earns more than you then he should have more of a say in how your baby is fed. Oh dear, you’ve had a baby with a misogynist.
You should either have married him or now you need to ensure you keep your financial independence. Do not go part time or leave work. He would enjoy having financial power over you.
also, when you return to work, make sure you are not still doing all housework/childcarewhilst working full time.
Sadly, your post is like a precursor to many of the posts I’ve read on here years down the line when women are financially trapped by controlling men as after having babies

Some breast fed babies really fight a bottle. My youngest was a real struggle and we only managed it because my husband dedicated hours to it before I returned to work with me not in the room. If baby smells mum that’s what she wants. Is he prepared to make the effort ?!

OP, your baby is not just a prop for your DP to use to show that he’s father of the year. My DC were exclusively breast-fed - although many years ago, I still remember the one evening I went out, leaving my parents and an expressed bottle of milk for DC. When I got back, the front of my dress was absolutely soaked with milk, and my boobs were like footballs. I only did it the once! I think your DP is being v unreasonable - he is certainly not thinking if the best interests of your baby. Stick to your guns, OP; enjoy your baby and carry on with the breast-feeding - and tell your partner that he needs to be a lot more hands-on before you’d even think of letting him take your baby out by himself.

This 100 % . Can't believe he wants the baby to take a bottle just to take him to a outing with the dads. Nothing to do with you and maybe getting more sleep overnight etc. not changing nappies either is so ridiculous. don't be bullied. Congratulations on your breastfeeding journey btw, wish mine had gone so well !!!

No she doesn't. The boyfriend sounds absolutely awful.

Have you read the OP? The boyfriend is absolutely trying to "pull rank".

Don’t introduce the bottle if your baby’s is happy on the breast. He won’t wash the bottles… You don’t need the extra stress. Nor does baby.

.. and further to my last post if he resists cushioning the financial blow to you ‘because that’s just a cost of womanhood’ well I guess the same logic exists in relation to feeding - he can’t … just a cost of manhood.

I don't do that thing where I get with a guy, have a kid with them, and then make sure all aspects of our life are under my strict control or a source of utter conflict.

It's just one thing, and the boyfriend isn't pulling his weight in all the other aspects of parenting.

This has nothing to do with being controlling.

Even if he is, OP doesn't have to follow suit. You don't always have to feed bad energy with more bad energy.

Well I'm going against the majority here but I can't see the problem. Expressing occasionally so others can help is common sense imo.

If he was suggesting fulltime bottle feeding I'd see your point but a one off so he can take dc out without you? So what tbh.

Well tbf you can both get what you want if you express milk? He then has breastmilk for bottle feeding ?

Or is it the actual bottle you have an issue with ?

Eh, I think OP has not said that and I also know how people have chosen to designate labour throughout their relationship. He does most of the cooking for instance.

You need to start as you mean to go on.

Anyway, as I said, I strongly discourage OP from feeding conflict between her and her child's father.

He hasn't even changed a shitty nappy yet and the baby is 8 weeks old.

Why can't he just take the baby to the pub with the dads & you pick up baby 1-2 hrs later? The baby doesnt need to be in your presence continually. Dh used to take ours off in the pram for a bit between feeds etc.

Its ok to want the baby out of the bedroom. Our eldest made a bit of a snuffly/grunty sound in the night, DH found it irritating and wanted him out! He also woke up really early. Tbh we all slept better after he moved into his own room.

It clearly is a problem for the OP who will have extra work to do with washing and sterilising bottles because the lazy boyfriend won't. So, why should she make extra work for herself?

And what happens when the baby poos its nappy in the pub? Will the boyfriend step up and change the nappy?

@gratedcheeseandham how many times does he bath the baby? This was DH’s bonding time when I was EBF. I never got the hang of expressing. But this didn’t mean DH couldn’t be a hands on dad.

Does your partner use the ‘I earn more money than you’ card at other times when decisions need to be made, so he gets his way.

You use partner rather than husband, so assume not married. Where do his extra earnings go, into his own savings pot? When DC come along separate finances shouldn’t really be a thing

Then she won't be able to give baby every single feed and dad will be able to confidently spend time alone with his baby the more he does it.

Then, God forbid, he might realise that he has the skills to be a single parent and that he doesn't need the OP to be a father

Also good luck getting an ebf 8 week old to take a bottle. Lots wont. Mind never would

Did he say he wont? Or that they'd split that task.

Sorry I don't trust you to quote, I'll grab it for you.

"I explicitly asked if we introduced a bottle would my boyfriend also take care of the prep work - he said no, this would be split"

Why do you tell lies about what was said?