AIBU to not want to give a bottle to our EBF baby to benefit my partner?

[gratedcheeseandham]

Would love some opinions because I can see both sides (sort of) and not sure if it’s anxiety from my side or not.

Partner and I have an 8 week out baby who is exclusively breastfed from the breast. He’s had no problems latching at all and I’ve absolutely adored breastfeeding. Baby has never had a problem with my milk, no tummy issues, has only ever gained weight (didn’t lose any weight after birth) and can be fed at the moment in 10 mins. I’ve had no problems with pain or engorgement. I feel extremely lucky that our BF journey has been going well - I am part of an antenatal group where a lot of people have struggled. In said antenatal group, every single baby (10 in total) have been introduced to a bottle, some are completely on formula and some have expressed breastmilk. I want to make it clear I have no problem with however any woman wants to feed her baby, fed is best.

Basically, my boyfriend wants to be able to feed the baby so he can take the baby places by himself. There is a dad meet up with the antenatal dads at the pub where they are all bringing their babies. Boyfriend is really annoyed that he either 1. Won’t be able to take the baby 2. I will have to be there in some capacity (I have suggested me coming, sitting on the other side of the pub with a friend not related to the antenatal group and bf can pass me the baby if he gets hungry. He is eating every 2 hours at the moment, however this can be shorter in the evenings). Boyfriend thinks I’m being extremely selfish in not letting me introduce a bottle to the baby and that I should compromise. My concerns to introducing a bottle are:

1. It will fall on me to do all the washing, sterilising etc. I explicitly asked if we introduced a bottle would my boyfriend also take care of the prep work - he said no, this would be split. I explained to him this included researching formula, finding and buying bottles, cleaning and sterilising and making sure baby is burped afterwards.
2. With pumping, I feel like it’s not exactly giving me a ‘break’ it’s just transferring the work. I don’t want to have to find the time to pump, then store etc.
3. This one is a bit silly but I’m afraid of baby preferring bottle over breast and rejecting breast
4. Feeding is the ONE AND ONLY thing that is exclusive to me. Boyfriend can bond in so many different ways - changing, playing etc. At the moment, boyfriend changes a nappy maybe once every three days (and never one with poo). I let boyfriend stay in bed until 9 (bf works from home) whilst I am up with our son from 6. I do 99% of the child rearing. In a stubborn way, I am apprehensive of relinquishing this one thing that only I can do.
5. I am already ‘compromising’ on other aspects of childcare, for example boyfriend wants baby out of our room 6 months exactly (even going so far as to ‘joking’ that on midnight of his 6 months he will go into his room). I wanted him in our room until he was at least 9 months, even up to a year. He is a great sleeper, though I know this can change, so it’s not the fact bf doesn’t get any sleep. In fact, he regularly gets at least 10-11 hours as he doesn’t wake up at all in the night.

To not drip feed, I am taking a year off of work. Baby will be going to a childminder afterwards. Boyfriend earns triple what I do doing a 100% remote 9-5 WFH project management job. I work as a secondary teacher in middle management. Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say. I am completely fine with being attached to the baby for the foreseeable before anyone asks.

Partner is getting increasingly more irate with this topic but I just don’t want to budge. Do I need to give up some of my anxiety?

Really? There are amazing pumps on the market now and expressing is very straightforward.

It’s funny how dads are never ever going to grow and birth their babies yet the good ones bond with them anyway. So funny. If dads
cant bond without feeding their baby I think those dads should all just go in the bin along with all their bullshit. If the mum can and will breastfeed, that should be the priority for both parents.

Oh ok then it must work for everyone, I expect your next post is going to be how easy breastfeeding is and OP should spend money on something that she might use once a week.

And yes I did BF both my babies until a year.

For you maybe? Have you never even been on a discussion about it and heard the variety of experiences there are? I graded up several times, from hand pump, through medela swing, to and ended with a top level hospital grade spectra with my third. I could have bought something nice with the hundreds that all cost! And done something fun with the wasted time too. I had no issues breastfeeding though.

He should think himself lucky that you are doing all the feeds and happy to do so! Sounds like no valid reason to introduce bottle feeding, like you said it is extra work with all the sterilising etc. I say if it ain't broke don't fix it! Well done for doing so well at breastfeeding.

I used to express every day for about 15 mins and immediately freeze the bags. Top tip freeze them lying flat. My EBF babies never preferred the bottle but even when one of my babies was 5 months old I was able to go away for a whole weekend and not a drop of formula in sight. I arrived back Sunday night late, slipped into bed with baby, he obviously smelled me or something he rolled over, latched on. Start expressing. It isn’t time consuming and it will enable him to feed / give you time and formula is completely unnecessary.

Yes exactly this. The "It's easy because I found it easy" brigade.

What I see from OPs posts is that dad has bonded with his child and he'd like to do more with them.

Dad is also doing lots round the house.

He wants to be able feed his child. And OP is not letting him. I would never have denied that opportunity to my childrens father and it shocks me that so many posters on this thread are condoning mum's control in this area.

If mum can express, she should try to do so to support Dad in feeding. Or a discussion about formula should be on the table if mum doesn't want to express.

It's THEIR baby, not her baby.

Happy baby happy life , why disrupt that ?

Good old mumsnet

unhappy when a dad doesn’t want to feed the baby, unhappy when a dad does.

Exactly. Dads’ motivations as always are derided.

The last bit about him earning more so having the final say is a load of rubbish

I have a 10 month old i EBF and I would have loved the help and the break ! I actually hated pumping and didn't produce as much milk as I though I would ( baby was fine breastfeeding)

I would say it's good to have some bottles so he can help through the night and also give you a break and I really think your baby won't prefer the bottle.

In most cases it's the other way round where they refuse a bottle if you leave it to long

It's your choice at the end of the day and well done for breastfeeding your baby as it's not easy especially when you don't get help with all the night feeds etc

As someone who has breastfed 4 babies no3 far from being silly is the one that is the most concerning to me. Many babies refuse the breast after being given a bottle as they like the speed of the bottle.

Respectfully, stop scare mongering. My 9mo was ebf and still doesn’t have a bottle now. It has been a wonderful experience, not a prison at all. Some of us are perfectly happy having baby in tow and aren’t racing to hand them over and escape for baby free time. It’s a shame for you that you feel trapped but that is not universal by any stretch so painting it as inevitable and “in her best interests” is entirely irresponsible. She doesn’t want to express. That’s all there is to it.

I agree. My kids didn’t have dummies at all and I still managed those things. Unlike my niece where all hell breaks out of she’s tired and we can’t locate her dummy quick enough.

To not drip feed, I am taking a year off of work. Baby will be going to a childminder afterwards. Boyfriend earns triple what I do doing a 100% remote 9-5 WFH project management job. I work as a secondary teacher in middle management. Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say. I am completely fine with being attached to the baby for the foreseeable before anyone asks.

I have read OP's subsequent posts, but I can't get past the fact OP is unmarried and currently on maternity leave with a man who thinks because he earns 3x what she does he's the boss. I mean, WTF?!

He gets all the lie ins while he's treating you looking after an infant 24/7 by the sound of it as a holiday.

He gets a cleaner every two weeks to essentially cover his failures to do his share around the house that YOU have to pay half of even though he makes 3x what you do. AND you're currently on maternity leave so probably real low income at the moment.

He doesn't change pooey nappies at all, and only the occasional nappy every few days if you're lucky.

He is dictating a schedule for the babies sleep ... babies don't work like that.

He is trying to dictate that you give up exclusively breastfeeding which is working beautifully for baby and you AND demanding that you pick up even more labour (and likely costs) to so when it comes to pumping time on top of breastfeeding time, sourcing formula if it's needed, sterilizing equipment, doing the bottle making/cleaning/sterilizing ... all so he can waltz down to the pub to show he's a good dad.

He's not actually. Good dads don't do any of the above or model it to their children. And good partners don't demand that they get the final say on everything. That's not a partnership.

If you read that entire post and came away with 'let him have this one small thing' I think you should re-read the entire thing again.

Breastfed all of my three. My eldest was mix fed at birth due to some shocking advice from the midwives, but they are not closer to their dad then the other two. A dad doesn't need to give a bottle to bond with their babies. My partner knew how important breastfeeding was and supported me to do so.

One bottle per week of expressed breast milk, especially after breastfeeding is established (which OP said it is) is most certainly not what is causing low rates of breastfeeding in the UK. And yes, I do think OP is holding this over him, she said so herself.

Of all the reasons to give baby a bottle, top of the list is not so that Dad can take baby to the pub.

Stick to your guns on this one, you already sound like you compromise on too many other issues.

Don't worry too much about putting the baby in its own room for now, it's a long way off. We planned to evict ours bang on 6 months when I went back to work. Instead, DS got teeth, separation anxiety and 6 month sleep regression, so woke every 45 mins for 3 weeks. He ended up in our bed to hold onto the last shreds of our sanity, and is still there a year later. We have sex on the sofa in the evenings while he hogs the King size. He's still breast fed too, which I wasn't expecting either.

If it's just for the occasional bottle, buy a manual pump. No long tubing to clean. Also, I don't believe sterilisation (with sterilizing fluid etc) is necessary, as long as everything is washed properly, ideally in a dishwasher and kept clean afterwards.
The baby might refuse to have anything to do with a bottle - one of mine did!
But on the question of whether the OP should do it....it seems like an unnecessary make-work project when, as she says, there are other ways the father can bond with the baby. And the whole meeting in a pub thing is a bit grim to be honest, is there really nowhere else they can meet which doesn't involve drinking, people nipping out for a fag (not necessarily the fathers) and potentially very loud?

Bullshit! Dad doesn’t have tits so tough titties really.

you know what dad can do to meet his child’s basic needs? He can change nappies, he can have skin to skin cuddles, he can talk to his baby, he can respond to other physical needs, he can wash his baby, he can take charge of introducing solids when the time is right, he can sign to his baby, he can play with his child, he can dress his baby, take his baby outside…. The list goes on. It’s just ONE thing he cannot do.

A friend was in a similar position. However she ended up giving into the father so he could feed the baby once every 6 weeks for a performance!!

til this day she regrets it, wishes she never gave in. She was given lots of promises “well if we introduce a bottle I can do them in the night while you sleep” which never happened.

Why can't you believe it? OP feeds the baby at least 12 times per 24 hours. Her DP wants to feed baby once per week. I feel it's controlling because the OP said as such, that she feels she has this over him and for that reason she doesn't want to facilitate this. That is the definition of control. If he was trying to stop her from breastfeeding I'd think very differently, but he wants to go to a dads meet up once per week where he will have the chance to have time with the baby alone, with a bottle of breast milk. I don't know why people are saying this is "performative parenting" and "the baby is being used as a prop". Do mothers going to these things get accused of this?