AIBU to not want to give a bottle to our EBF baby to benefit my partner?

[gratedcheeseandham]

Would love some opinions because I can see both sides (sort of) and not sure if it’s anxiety from my side or not.

Partner and I have an 8 week out baby who is exclusively breastfed from the breast. He’s had no problems latching at all and I’ve absolutely adored breastfeeding. Baby has never had a problem with my milk, no tummy issues, has only ever gained weight (didn’t lose any weight after birth) and can be fed at the moment in 10 mins. I’ve had no problems with pain or engorgement. I feel extremely lucky that our BF journey has been going well - I am part of an antenatal group where a lot of people have struggled. In said antenatal group, every single baby (10 in total) have been introduced to a bottle, some are completely on formula and some have expressed breastmilk. I want to make it clear I have no problem with however any woman wants to feed her baby, fed is best.

Basically, my boyfriend wants to be able to feed the baby so he can take the baby places by himself. There is a dad meet up with the antenatal dads at the pub where they are all bringing their babies. Boyfriend is really annoyed that he either 1. Won’t be able to take the baby 2. I will have to be there in some capacity (I have suggested me coming, sitting on the other side of the pub with a friend not related to the antenatal group and bf can pass me the baby if he gets hungry. He is eating every 2 hours at the moment, however this can be shorter in the evenings). Boyfriend thinks I’m being extremely selfish in not letting me introduce a bottle to the baby and that I should compromise. My concerns to introducing a bottle are:

1. It will fall on me to do all the washing, sterilising etc. I explicitly asked if we introduced a bottle would my boyfriend also take care of the prep work - he said no, this would be split. I explained to him this included researching formula, finding and buying bottles, cleaning and sterilising and making sure baby is burped afterwards.
2. With pumping, I feel like it’s not exactly giving me a ‘break’ it’s just transferring the work. I don’t want to have to find the time to pump, then store etc.
3. This one is a bit silly but I’m afraid of baby preferring bottle over breast and rejecting breast
4. Feeding is the ONE AND ONLY thing that is exclusive to me. Boyfriend can bond in so many different ways - changing, playing etc. At the moment, boyfriend changes a nappy maybe once every three days (and never one with poo). I let boyfriend stay in bed until 9 (bf works from home) whilst I am up with our son from 6. I do 99% of the child rearing. In a stubborn way, I am apprehensive of relinquishing this one thing that only I can do.
5. I am already ‘compromising’ on other aspects of childcare, for example boyfriend wants baby out of our room 6 months exactly (even going so far as to ‘joking’ that on midnight of his 6 months he will go into his room). I wanted him in our room until he was at least 9 months, even up to a year. He is a great sleeper, though I know this can change, so it’s not the fact bf doesn’t get any sleep. In fact, he regularly gets at least 10-11 hours as he doesn’t wake up at all in the night.

To not drip feed, I am taking a year off of work. Baby will be going to a childminder afterwards. Boyfriend earns triple what I do doing a 100% remote 9-5 WFH project management job. I work as a secondary teacher in middle management. Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say. I am completely fine with being attached to the baby for the foreseeable before anyone asks.

Partner is getting increasingly more irate with this topic but I just don’t want to budge. Do I need to give up some of my anxiety?

I can't believe he thinks what he earns has any relevance to who makes decisions about feeding your baby?! What a knob!

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job giving your little one exactly what he needs ❤️ please don't give in on this, your boyfriend is being extremely selfish and immature. Especially if he won't even commit to taking responsibility for washing, sterilising etc. It will just make things worse for you, and once the novelty wears off and he's had a few pub trips you'll be the one left dealing with the added work and possible impact on breastfeeding.

It’s not in baby’s or your best interests, what on earth is this man thinking?

”Introducing even a single bottle of formula to an exclusively breastfed infant can rapidly alter the acidic environment and bacterial profile of the gut. It shifts the microbiome away from beneficial Bifidobacteriatoward a profile more closely resembling an adult's gut flora. 1, 2]”

Where to start with this? Did you BF? Do you know how tiring it is for women to express? How difficult it is to get a BF baby to take a bottle...and just for once a week at dad's club? Instead of all the other things he could be doing like cuddling it, playing, bathing, changing nappies etc...

Only read OPs posts, but I'm very much of the opinion that Dad should be allowed to feed his child.

I can't understand why Dad is being prevented from doing so by mum. Eating is a necessity and Dad should be in a place where he can provide this basic need to his child.

All the other stuff around this is semantics.

He needs to be educated by an external person (HV?) on how blessed the baby is to be exclusively breastfed and for you to have been so lucky that it all went so smoothly.

He is either the most selfish man alive or is conpelt ignorant as to what babies need. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. Well done for parenting so far in what must be a challenging environment.

@gratedcheeseandham are you going to talk to him about finances

The baby is his or her own self, not an item owned by both parents.

He sounds like a control freak. Taking a baby to a get together without you? No way. Baby is not a fashion accessory. You are lucky that breast feeding is going so well so you should carry on. A baby is supposed to bring joy and happiness but your bf is ruining that for you. Are your parents close? Go for an extended stay with them to have some peace and quiet.

Interesting because I’m half French and it was far more normal in that half of my family than the British! Just looked up stats and the U.K. has a much much lower rate. Around 22% stick out EBF in France to 6 months compared to just 1% in the UK.

That aside, he should be encouraging you to EBF for as long as possible. The fact he’s trying to push formula just so he can take baby out alone to meet his mates is frankly weird. Having said that, I would try pumping if I were you so he can do this sometimes. It will help you too, so you have time alone.

yeah I did a Pam Shipman "oh my christ" reading that

I don’t necessarily think it’s a big deal for him to take his baby out alone and give OP some time to herself sometimes, actually normal and healthy to do this. Surely OP would want this at some point for her own sanity.

I would never judge any woman by how she chooses to feed her baby. However if the OP is finding it easy to breastfeed then she should continue doing so. It’s a pain to switch to bottle feeding if you’re doing everything yourself. Also the health benefits from breastfeeding shouldn’t be discounted just so the bf can make some friends.

If I was the OP, after 6 months I wouldn’t be so keen to let the BF sleep in either.

Dad quite clearly enjoys his lie-in’s as well. He should be keen on doing everything with the baby but is quite happy to benefit when it suits him. Dad is using the baby as an accessory to make friends.

If dad was allowed to feed, then there's less excuse for this to happen.

I'd suspect Dad is feeling rather second class in being allowed to parent his child, so its a self fulfilling prophecy of mum's creation.

French here - it is true that we move babies to their own room way earlier, to me 6m sounds more than enough ;)
On the bottle, he should be 100% in charge of buying / cleaning / sterilising the bottles but also the expressing equipment. That’s only fair as you will be expressing, which is already a big job in itself!
And not changing poo nappies is ridiculous. When he is home, the nappy changes should be shared. It actually is not an awful task and quite the bonding experience.

'Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say. ' This is horrific. This is the foundation of all your problems. This needs to be challenged.

If dad was allowed to feed, then there's less excuse for this to happen.

I'd suspect Dad is feeling rather second class in being allowed to parent his child, so its possibly a self fulfilling prophecy of mum's creation.

Op, I EBF'd. I think it should be your choice whether you introduce a bottle but, trust me, you'll regret it if you don't.
You're already in the danger zone of your baby never accepting a bottle or a soother. This means that you will never be able to go anywhere, ever without baby, not even a coffee with friends. It becomes a miserable and lonely prison.
If I were you, I'd pump (it's really not difficult) and introduce a bottle immediately so that you can eventually do things like when baby is 11 months and you'd love to meet some friends for a dinner.
You pump, he can sort bottles if he's that bothered. Point blank refuse to be involved in bottle stuff - your job is providing the milk.
They're not this tiny forever but the window of opportunity to get them to accept a bottle is tiny. Trust me, this is in your best interests!!!

Just to make it clear, I waited until 10 weeks and it never worked because I left it too late. I still can't go anywhere.

I am so glad I don’t know any parents in real life who don’t put their children first. I would be horrified. The baby isn’t a toy, they’re a human being and the op is putting their best interest first. Just totally baffled by this attitude.

I wouldn't budge. I breastfed DS for a long while, lucky to be working from home which made it easier. I sometimes think it was partly because I just couldn't be doing with all the bottle/sterilising stuff when I had a milk bar on tap. DS had no formula at all and was weaned when he was ready. As he had the potential for allergies, I think it did him a lot of good. DS still bonded with DH brilliantly - babies often want the comfort of a milk free chest, as we discovered, especially if a bit colicky! But I wouldn't be introducing a bottle at this age if feeding was going well. Also remember that babies feed more intensively to bring in more milk as they grow and then it all settle down again, so don't succumb to any arguments about needing to supplement, if baby is otherwise happy and gaining weight. Take advice from breast feeding professionals.

Good. They were entirely unrealistic thinking this was a good idea at 8 weeks. Try again at maybe 12 months!! There's a zillion ways for him to bond with the baby. And make sure he keeps up his share of the work!

I can't fathom posts like yours. If all fathers should feed the baby does that make you anti-breastfeeding? And if you say you aren't then I would add that it doesn't make sense because what you are advocating goes directly against how breastfeeding works. Mum needs to keep feeding baby to situmilate milk production and expressing only works if your letdown works well with it.

Though it seems against the grain of the thread, I completely agree with this. The baby has two parents and the odd expressed bottle will give both parents the advantage of a little independence.