AIBU to not want to give a bottle to our EBF baby to benefit my partner?

[gratedcheeseandham]

Would love some opinions because I can see both sides (sort of) and not sure if it’s anxiety from my side or not.

Partner and I have an 8 week out baby who is exclusively breastfed from the breast. He’s had no problems latching at all and I’ve absolutely adored breastfeeding. Baby has never had a problem with my milk, no tummy issues, has only ever gained weight (didn’t lose any weight after birth) and can be fed at the moment in 10 mins. I’ve had no problems with pain or engorgement. I feel extremely lucky that our BF journey has been going well - I am part of an antenatal group where a lot of people have struggled. In said antenatal group, every single baby (10 in total) have been introduced to a bottle, some are completely on formula and some have expressed breastmilk. I want to make it clear I have no problem with however any woman wants to feed her baby, fed is best.

Basically, my boyfriend wants to be able to feed the baby so he can take the baby places by himself. There is a dad meet up with the antenatal dads at the pub where they are all bringing their babies. Boyfriend is really annoyed that he either 1. Won’t be able to take the baby 2. I will have to be there in some capacity (I have suggested me coming, sitting on the other side of the pub with a friend not related to the antenatal group and bf can pass me the baby if he gets hungry. He is eating every 2 hours at the moment, however this can be shorter in the evenings). Boyfriend thinks I’m being extremely selfish in not letting me introduce a bottle to the baby and that I should compromise. My concerns to introducing a bottle are:

1. It will fall on me to do all the washing, sterilising etc. I explicitly asked if we introduced a bottle would my boyfriend also take care of the prep work - he said no, this would be split. I explained to him this included researching formula, finding and buying bottles, cleaning and sterilising and making sure baby is burped afterwards.
2. With pumping, I feel like it’s not exactly giving me a ‘break’ it’s just transferring the work. I don’t want to have to find the time to pump, then store etc.
3. This one is a bit silly but I’m afraid of baby preferring bottle over breast and rejecting breast
4. Feeding is the ONE AND ONLY thing that is exclusive to me. Boyfriend can bond in so many different ways - changing, playing etc. At the moment, boyfriend changes a nappy maybe once every three days (and never one with poo). I let boyfriend stay in bed until 9 (bf works from home) whilst I am up with our son from 6. I do 99% of the child rearing. In a stubborn way, I am apprehensive of relinquishing this one thing that only I can do.
5. I am already ‘compromising’ on other aspects of childcare, for example boyfriend wants baby out of our room 6 months exactly (even going so far as to ‘joking’ that on midnight of his 6 months he will go into his room). I wanted him in our room until he was at least 9 months, even up to a year. He is a great sleeper, though I know this can change, so it’s not the fact bf doesn’t get any sleep. In fact, he regularly gets at least 10-11 hours as he doesn’t wake up at all in the night.

To not drip feed, I am taking a year off of work. Baby will be going to a childminder afterwards. Boyfriend earns triple what I do doing a 100% remote 9-5 WFH project management job. I work as a secondary teacher in middle management. Partner thinks that because he earns the money he should have more say. I am completely fine with being attached to the baby for the foreseeable before anyone asks.

Partner is getting increasingly more irate with this topic but I just don’t want to budge. Do I need to give up some of my anxiety?

Hogwash.

If breast feeding works god no don’t change anything!! Saying that ye need to talk about how much he does (although my first thought is I always did feeds and nappy changes together so perhaps that was his out?

The ltb comments are ott though, ye are a family, he just needs to step up (god I’m fed up of people asking why are people with their partners when this is very obviously a new thing that you’re both navigating)

I never thought about it this way, but excellent point! 👏

Your baby may not take to a bottle at all, OP!!! I EBF my son, and only planned on doing so for 3 months. I introduced a bottle at around 8 weeks with my son, with pumped breast milk and he refused it. I tried every bottle on the market and it made no difference if the bottle contained breast milk or formula! He refused everything! All he wanted was the breast!! So, neither of you may not have any say, your child will have the final one!!

It's one of those things that no one tells you. Everyone assumes a baby will take to a bottle, after being breast fed and that simply isn't true. Many babies won't!

I introduced a bottle because I wanted my husband to help with night feeds. If you introduce a bottle, then you make it clear to your boyfriend, it means he will be helping with night feeds. It won't be so he can go off with baby on his own to show him off to his mates. I can guarantee, helping with night feeds wouldn't have entered his head!! There won't be any excuses then, why he can't!

There is a dad meet up with the antenatal dads at the pub where they are all bringing their babies.

This has disaster written all over it. The concept of a load of inexperienced fathers having a dads' night out with babies under 3 months is very sweet, but have they checked whether the pub has changing facilities? I suspect they have this picture of themselves sitting around holding sleeping babies or maybe shoring a bottle in their mouths, whereas the reality will be that at any given moment at least two will be crying because they don't like the unfamiliar surroundings and being away from mummy. If they try it once, it will be the last time they do it.

Firsty, congratulations on your baby and so pleased to hear you’re having a good breastfeeding journey - it’s a lot of work, even when it’s ‘easy’!
Havent read all the replies so sorry if I’m repeating other advice - I wasted sooo much time trying to get my baby to take a bottle. You’re right in that it’s a lot more work, and the sterilising and prep were more hassle than they were worth. My baby maybe took the bottle twice, and very begrudgingly! I really don’t think it’d even have gotten me that much sleep, as I’d probably have been engorged and had to pump anyway.
Also, if you do go down the pumping route, your BF should really be doing the prep and sterilising. This isn’t the time for 50/50, sometimes (often!) you will be doing more, and sometimes he will. It’ll even out eventually but this isn’t that time.

the breast / bottle thing isnt the main barrier to him taking the baby out on his own. He isn’t ready because he hasn’t spent enough time/ any time being a loving competent parent. He should get used to nappies, settling the baby, burping the baby, soothing the baby, generally bonding with the baby. He could do this for instance by waking up in the night when the baby cries, bringing you the baby to feed but doing the nappy and everything else himself. Standing over the cot soothing the baby back to sleep if the baby cries when out down, etc.
if he did all this he would be confident to settle the baby when not hungry and could take the baby out for a couple of hours between feeds. The “problem” would go away.
some men have this really simplistic idea that babies only cry when hungry and think they can just jam a bottle into a little mouth and that’s parenting. It’s not. Babies cry for lots of reasons and there is only one reason that they can’t solve because they don’t have breasts. They just can’t be bothered to learn.

While I can see why he wants to join the baby and Daddy outings, this should not take precedence over your 8 weeks (different if 8 months) baby’s feeding. You are taking a year away from your job to be able to feed your baby optimally - which is EBF until 6 months. I wouldn’t be introducing formula in a bottle - if your baby gets any nourishment that isn’t from you, your body will notice the decreased demand and may decrease supply (when my babies started little bits of solids at 5/6 months after EBF my period came back the next day both times - I think our reproductive bodies are sensitive and responsive to our babies).
I also feel that your partner is wrong to insist his needs should be so central in the life of an 8 week old. I don’t think there is much mainstream dissent that where a Mum is willing and able, the first 3 months are the “fourth trimester” and the baby should be close to Mum and those around them should facilitate that rather than undermine it. I was always grateful when anyone would hold my babies so I could get a shower, go to the toilet in peace, have a nap but my partner absolutely got it that we had different roles in that first few months.
I am finding your partners insistence that your baby goes into his own room at 6 months on the dot, more unreasonable. He may not be ready, you may not be ready.
Im finding it even more unreasonable that your partner thinks his high earnings buy him increased say in decisions about your baby. If you are going to function as a family, income should be seen as family money. Have you considered marrying or civil partnership to protect yourself financially?

At the moment, boyfriend changes a nappy maybe once every three days (and never one with poo

How is he going to cope if the baby does a poo during one of these father and baby outings he is planning? Especially if it's a mega poo?

Whilst I don’t think you should do this purely so your DP can show your baby off to his friends, I do actually think it’s a good idea to get a baby used to a bottle. Not to replace breastfeeding but just as a backup option. Sometimes unavoidable things happen, you might get struck down with the flu, or need to be admitted to hospital or any number of things that you hadn’t planned for which mean you would be unable to breastfeed your baby suddenly. If a stressful situation is happening, throwing a baby who isn’t used to having a bottle into the mix makes things 10 x more stressful for not only you, but also the person left looking after the baby. Most importantly it also makes it much more stressful for the baby itself.

You can buy ready made bottles from companies like Aptamil and Kendamil which come with a teat, so no need for a steriliser etc. Just use them occasionally so your baby is used to and will accept a bottle in an emergency.

I can’t help laughing at his comment that he should get more of a say because he earns more! Actually no I’m not laughing, it’s making my blood boil!! What an absolute arsehole! If DH said that to me he’d get an absolute earful!!
I don’t necessarily see a problem with the bottle thing so he can go to a support group too, it would give you some time out BUT he needs to be helping with the technicalities of bottle feeding not just waltzing in scooping baby and bottles up and swanning off then bring baby back with a shitty nappy and a shit ton of extra washing up to be done!

Not sure if the antenatal mums have been reading this thread but magically none of the babies are coming anymore due to feeding related concerns. Partner is quite relieved. I think he thought he might be the only one. Doesn’t really make a difference, however. The dads are still meeting for a couple hours in the afternoon - I am fine with this, especially because partner wfh so doesn’t have the separation between work and home and can get quite cabin feverey.

Also, he woke up today, changed the baby and took the laundry in without saying anything (he has not done this before?). I’m hoping the conversation we had yesterday has had chance to settle into his brain. No mention of the bottle vs breast either, and his parents have gone home. Another commenter said they might have had an influence (they were quite uncomfortable with me bf in front of them, but I don’t care, really!). Also don’t want to make excuses for him, he has acted like a dick!

Hoping this isn’t a blip and continues…!

And what about his attitude that OP has to di what he says because he earns more. That is where LTB comments are probably coming from

He should be looking to lengthen the times between when the baby needs you already, for your sake, and for the sake of his bond with the baby. He doesn’t get it and he is disrespecting what you do so well for your baby and is not understanding at all that parenting a baby is not centering yourself.

the money thing is bad: it’s his child, he should be supporting his family.

he doesn’t get to make work for you. Your work is looking after the baby, not looking after his preferences.

why do you go shopping together? If he does the cooking, why doesn’t he just do the shopping to facilitate that? Does he like having you around as an attendant, issuing little jobs to fetch things and so on?

does he often give instructions in general? Does he make suggestions or does he talk to you like he’s the boss?

It’s not a small thing and won’t be remembered as such. My kids are teens and if my DH had fucked up breastfeeding for me so he could show off in the pub, I would not have forgotten it.

Dont do it!!!! You will regret it. Your boyfriend is a massive arsehole and will only get worse as your child gets older.

I agree with this—and it's the case in many relationships. There's often a mix of a 'mummy martyr' who needs to do everything herself or have things done her way, and a father who is lazy enough to let that happen and just performance parent while patting himself on the back for having a paid job.

There are, of course, relationships where the man truly is controlling and abusive. But you cannot know what a relationship is really like from just a few posts. It isn't always 'he's abusive", "get rid of him', or 'he's useless'. I mean, the OP's partner is certainly not amazing and is at fault for the current situation, but she may have also contributed to how the relationship balance turned out. I mean, maybe he's not changing dirty nappies because with the first few, an exhausted OP got exasperated and said, 'Oh, let me do it, you can't do it right' at a clueless new dad and he was then lazy enough and more than happy not to.

This can be changed, but with effort and only both if them recognise it first. The OP needs to figure out why she's interpreted him saying they'd split bottle washing to mean she'd do it doing it all.

Saying all that @gratedcheeseandham, no don't interrupt breastfeeding that's going well for one trip to the pub. There is another solution if he really wants time with his baby.

I'd have been fine to express a bottle (though my baby refused bottled so is a moot point). But the reason I'd have been fine to express is that my husband was fully involved in parenting and life admin. For our first child, we split/alternated the nights, he did all bottle washing/sterilising and I'd make them up for 24 hours (yes not the recommended way but perfectly safe). There was no default parenting, and has never been. So him being able to take baby out whilst I chilled would have been fine.

Your boyfriend has been pretty useless.by the sound of it. He needs to muck in with things like poo nappies, nights etc and deal with all bottle admin before you should even consider try to express.

I know a lot of mums that successfully introduced the occasional/daily bottle btw. Sometimes expressed milk, sometimes formula. Women that went on to feed well into toddler hood.

@gratedcheeseandham I’m sorry, he seems to be very controlling while doing nothing. Where is the compromise from him? I started to read thinking I’d be telling you to loosen up but he is controlling everything and I’m not surprised you are pushing back on this.

why isn’t he sharing more workload round the house?
why isn’t he changing poo-y nappies - is he above that but it’s fine for you?
why are you letting His Lazyship stay in bed?

and no - if he wants to bottle feed, he can do the prep and the cleaning. Lazy arse.

if you can bring yourself to express to let him see how he gets on - and not bring baby bqck with a poo-y nappy - that’s a start.

he sounds awful, sorry.

I've only read the OP's posts so sorry if this has been said but there are potential upsides if you can get this into a proper routine. Our first child was born with an unexpected issue that required immediate surgery followed by two weeks in ICU and no milk. MrsBN expressed and froze milk throughout that time so that LittleBN could get the colostrum from the early days' milk when she was able to feed. Once she could be fed, with us having a supply of bottled milk, we got into a routine of breast feeding and bottled (expressed) milk for months. I was working normal office hours during the week and when I came home, MrsBN would go to bed until midnight/ 1am while I stayed up and looked after the little one, fed her, changed her, etc. Then she would take over and I'd go to bed. This way we both got a decent block of sleep every day/night and were able to share the load in a way that strict breastfeeding wouldn't have allowed. Just our experience, and what works for one couple won't necessarily work for another.

He sounds like a total unsupportive arsehole who is making feeding about him, not what’s right for you or your baby. If he can’t accept you sitting in a pub to feed your BABY then truly he needs a slap of reality. He’s being ridiculous. There is no other side of this, he’s being remarkably ignorant.

I expect the mother of the baby takes the decisions on how to care for the infant. The in-laws and even husband can have opinions about breastfeeding, but I would insist the final decision is for the mother to take. Hold your boundary.

Oh dear. He has turned into a performance parent. As far as he is concerned the only time he needs to parent is if other people are there to watch and admire his prowess. Wanting to be seen giving the baby a bottle is only the start of it.

When your child is older he will take it to the park for half an hour on a sunny morning( though not a grey drizzly day in November) , but at home will get annoyed if the child wants to play with him or talk to him instead of letting him sleep/play a video game/ watch sport.

When you go out with friends when the baby is a bit older he will be happy to push the pram but won’t take the baby so that you can eat a hot meal undisturbed for a change.

He won’t do the school run/ stay at home if the child is sick/ sort out school uniform/ prepare packed lunch/ remember which day PE is on but will turn up to parents evening and stare at the chest of the Y1 teacher whose name he can’t remember.

People will say he is a wonderful dad, his mother will beam with pride at her 21st century son (and judge you), his dad will be confused.

I would point out that the baby is as much his as it is yours, si i am not sure why you tbink you have the right to veto anything ( do ling as he does the prep)
Breastfeeding is well established now and there are plenty of benefits to him him being able to do a feed from time to time-,not least him building a stronger bond with the child. It seems like you like tbe baby to be totally dependent on only you?

I went through a bit of this with my ex. Expressing so he can give the baby one bottle a week is pointless. Unless he does it more often like daily and in a routine there is no point at all.