Teen daughter has come out gay

[nowhatx]

My teen daughter has told me she’s gay. I’ve told her I love her whatever she is and we’ve had a cuddle. I’ve had a cry on my own. I don’t know why????? She’s 15

is there anything I need to do or nothing I’m just a bit taken back and nobody to talk to x

Because no one had any idea at all! she is in her 20s and never really had a boyfriend and never expressed her attraction to girls. We’re a very close family.

What music is that? Do you think 'they' only listen to YMCA?!

It was not uncommon in the 20th century for children to be brought up be two women often as a result of war.
Perhaps OPs tears were because her daughter is at the next stage of growing up ready for the move away.

I think it's the 'shock' part that was the issue.

Are you living under a rock?! I'm not gay, and as far as I know, my kids aren't as they''ve always been with the opposite sex. Even I know and have seen the amount of abuse people get online for mentioning the fact, or even in RL bigoted attitudes still exist!

You know, i was actually quite relieved when my d introduced me to her girlfriend. In her early teenage years she'd had some horrible experiences with boys (trying to fit in i guess) a couple of young men should really be behind bars.

My ex, who is a horrible man, actually agrees with me (probably the only thing we've ever agreed on)

Im actually really happy my girl is lesbian in truth.

This is a really good point. It can be emotional in a way that your dc being heterosexual isn't because there is never that moment of declaration - with all that says about imminent adulthood etc.

If it were customary - and it might soon be - for dc to some out as straight, there would be an inherent emotionality around that moment too. Like leaving nursery, or school leaver's assembly etc. Parents often shed a tear at weddings.

do you have children?

Totally disagree with this.

She might have cried in just the same way if her daughter had come to her and said she'd lost her virginity to a lad.

It seems more that the crying is an outpouring of emotion about her child growing into an adult, and the concerns she has around that. She doesn't have any issue with her child's sexuality of itself.

If her daughter was straight, she might fear teen pregnancy, physical abuse etc.

With her daughter being gay, she might fear a harder route to pregnancy, homophobic treatment from others etc.

All legitimate fears of a doting mother.

There's also an enormous difference between being homophobic and worrying for someone because of the challenges they may face as a result of being gay. I think to ignore those potential challenges / difficulties is ridiculously ignorant and also pretty offensive to gay people who face those challenges / difficulties.

A conversation I had with my cousin and his husband, some years ago, about travel, has always stuck with me. We were talking about potential holiday plans and he started going through countries they'd like to visit but have to avoid due to their sexuality and the laws in those countries. I love my cousin and his husband dearly and I was simply just incredibly sad for them. It genuinely affected me and I had a bit of a cry about it later on. Not because I'm homophobic and have a problem with them being gay but because I was so upset that their experience of the world is different to mine purely because they love each other, rather than women.

They've recently had to move to a new neighbourhood because, despite being in an affluent blue state, they found their children were being excluded from parties, play dates etc as a direct result of the children's peers' parents being homophobic.

My daughter is gay. I can hand on heart say I’ve never given it a moments thought. It just is what it is. I don’t care either way, I’m just happy she’s living her life. It occupies not a nano second of my thoughts. There is nothing you need to do. She has experienced no discrimination and has met some lovely and not so lovely girls. Same as if she were straight

Well that’s very nice for him and for you. My 18yo son is gay and has faced a huge amount of homophobia. To say that ‘nobody cares’ is ignorant and shockingly naive. For example, a woman barged between my son and his boyfriend when they were holding hands, breaking them apart, and told them they were disgusting. He was bullied so much at school that he left after his GCSE’s, even though he was offered a place to study for A levels. His sexuality is neither here nor there to me. It’s part of who he is. But his life has been harder thus far because of it. Just because your son’s experience has been fine, doesn’t mean it’s the same for everyone else. Maybe you need to get a grip yourself.

Am glad your son had a good experience.
My child did not.
Came out in school and was very badly bullied (A well known London Academy). One of the things that happened was a group of kids were talking about taking him out the roof and throwing him off.
His life was made a misery and we had to pull him out of the school.
Saying “Get a grip” is quite a triggering thing to read, consequently.

Hand on heart I could not care less. I’ve not mourned a thing, I have not given it a moments headspace, I can’t stress enough what a non issue it is even for her grandparents and great grandpa.

I'm Bi and never came out to my parents. It says a great deal about you that she felt comfortable enough to tell you.

There's nothing you really need to do differently just support her and be there for her.

I don’t really understand the ‘probably won’t be having kids thing’. If current birth trends continue at LEAST 1 in 4 girls born now won’t be having children, regardless of sexuality, so it’s not a given anyway. Add to that plenty of gay and lesbian couples have families 🤷‍♀️

Well, I was going to say that the world is a much more open place than it was 25 years ago, but having read this thread, perhaps I can see why OP was moved to cry. People calling heterosexual relationships "normal" relationships in relation to same-sex relationships! Wow.

OP - statistically, as a lesbian your daughter is far less likely to face intimate partner abuse. Plus she won't have to deal with the crap that comes with living with a man.

Personally (and yes, anecdotes isn't data, but...)the majority of lesbian couples over 35 that I know have children. The majority have been in their relationship for well over a decade. And overall they report far healthier, happier sex lives, and more equitable division of labour than friends in mixed-sex relationships.

I think the issue is that we still live in a society where heternormativity dominates - the majority of us still expect our children to be heterosexual, so it disturbs our expected vision of their lives as adults when they are gay. But you know your daughter is still your much-loved daughter, no matter who she brings home.

I will give you this little anecdote which made me feel really positive for all of our teenagers. At my son's recent Year 11 prom, the prom couple (traditionally Prom King and Queen) voted for by their peers was my friend's daughter and her girlfriend. 30 years ago, when I was at school, no one was even openly gay by the end of Yr11, and yet here their relationship is being openly celebrated in our rural community secondary school.

I hope your daughter has all the wonderful experiences that the teen years bring and your relationship continues to be one where she can talk to you so openly.

I think being happy, healthy and hopefully a good career that they enjoy is all we should hope for with children, whatever form that takes. Their sexuality shouldn't be anyones business.

My son came out in 2001. He was nigh on16.
I didn't know.
I knew he wasn't a lad's lad and he liked what he liked. He was who he is.
At the time I embraced it and supported him. I knew how challenging it would be to his life.
Eventually, quietly, to myself, I mourned it, I knew what it meant for me, no grandchildren.
I grieved that quietly.
Now, the pain has been absorbed.
I'm glad he's happy and I've welcomed both of his partners into our family.
But I still silently wonder about the beautiful children my beautiful son would have had.

Nobody here has said that it is being gay that is the worry here! Only you have implied that possibility! The OP (and others) have explained that her life may not be as straightforward as mum had hoped, and it means everyone re-thinking how life will be. That's all.

You shouldn't mourn what you were never promised or had.

I agree but your heart speaks too and it is what it is.

I am so sorry for what you had to go through with your parents just because of who you loved (love). No one deserves that sort of treatment from anyone, let alone their own Mum and Dad, but for it to stem from something that should be entirely positive (i.e. that you're in love with someone) is wrong on every level.

As for the comments you made about having to come out over and over again, being worried about how people might react when you tell them you're gay, considering travel, how people might treat your child etc - I'm straight, and so you're absolutely right that I haven't suffered those things, but it is something I've cried over for my family and friends because I've seen from early on some of the things they've had to endure and I hate to the core that they have those burdens and the world is different for them, than it is for me, just because of who they love.

I hope that by the time my DC starts to have feelings of a sexual nature that there's no need for them to "come out" should they be gay. My husband and I have, from the off, tried to talk as neutrally as we can (e.g. answering "when will I get married?" with "when you meet a boy or girl who you really love and who really loves you") and so we hope that the idea of gay isn't "otherness" to our DC. We will simply want our DC to be themselves, happy, healthy and hopefully fall in love with a good person (of whatever sex) but that doesn't mean, if it transpires they are gay, I won't be sad that their life may be harder as a result or their sexuality. As far as I'm aware, that's a loving parent not a homophobic one.

I think it’s ok that there’s a bit of push back on why you’re upset. I’d try not to take it so personally and maybe just use it to reflect if there’s any views that you need to challenge within yourself

You’re going to feel what you feel and worry etc and that’s all normal emotion, so I’m not saying it’s a bad thing that you’re feeling a certain way - But I’m married to a woman and my life’s good and I’d have been pretty bemused and bewildered if my mum cried when I came out. I hope we move on from the days where you need to worry cause your kids gay because it’s not a negative and times are changing.

tbf it's different if your daughter is a lesbian than a gay son. Vis a vis grandchildren and what you've got to absorb.
Not saying it means anything, just saying it's part of an equation.

But yes, I agree, apart from your bewilderment that your Mum may cry, it's not a negative.