AIBU to worry about a growing political divide in marriage?

[Whatsahappening]

Changed accounts
Is there anyone else dealing with real political divide in their marriage?
I don’t want to go into all the back story but I have a husband who seems so fixated on migrants and drifting into right wing political views that I couldn’t be any further from.

I’m not a complete lefty but I focus solely on the things that matter more so (I feel) what is impacting women’s rights, my children’s upbringing and I am a huge empath and have really struggled with the current world events such as the genocide(s) happening within the world and genuinely fall to bits about it but the only passion I see from my husband is how enraged he gets around the ’impact’ the migrants have coming in this country - Which my view as a woman, is we have a far bigger problems within our own societies, within our own men/people in this country committing horrendous crimes, especially against women and children, yet not a smidge I hear around this!
There’s so much I could share on the matter but I fear it could be counterproductive.

I genuinely love my husband and we have had battle after battle recently.. I am insisting on couples therapy as we are arguing about this stuff in front of our children but I really need help from those going / been through this and can help with a resolution?

I know he has his own mind and should steer how he chooses but I need to figure a way that I won’t put so much emotion into this, that it could really pull on my marriage.

Thanks!

@scatterolight sorry I can’t let that one go - the gvt are very aware of the situation and not encouraging it either - they have thrown big money at this and illegal entry is down 42% this year - the people to blame are the previous right wing govt who in pushing through Brexit meant the end of an agreement where we could return to where they came from - compare the figures pre Brexit - and certainly pre referendum - minimal compared to 2020 to 2024 - and then to try and disguise it was a shower of shit and they had sold the public a total pup - they started letting everyone and his mother in plus family of course to fill the gaps in essential services that Brits simply couldn’t be arsed to do . I worked I a centre where they had a company doing the visas - I can guarantee all these care workers and warehouse workers vanished into the black market 6 months down the line - This is one reason I would never vote green - totally naive in the extreme and I’m a centre left voter but to try and insinuate only farage or Badenoch think it’s an issue is poppycock , Suella braverman was home secretary , honest Bob jenryck was part of that government as was badenoch! They encouraged the issue by trying to disguise to the public that Brexit wasa shit show and some public services were no longer safe

The point was being made that, when you marry someone, you allegedly love them and you don't allow something like politics to break up your relationship.

Vows of marriage don't include political agreeableness, AFAIK. It helps, sometimes, to remember why you got married and what the vows meant (assuming you had any) when getting worked up over certain things.

Does he not do anything else in life that warrants a pass on his political views?

Did he know when he married you that you had to have identical views or it would cause these issues?

Did this arise as an issue recently?

If so, could it be that you both need some time away from the screen and focus on more important things like yourselves, each other and your family?

I don't expect adults to come on here, asking for advice, and then cling to their position which put them in the position of having to ask for advice in the first place.

But, this isn't about me. I didn't post AIBU - you did.

So, hopefully something helps from here if your intention is to seek assistance so that your marriage doesn't fail over politics.

Have you been on holiday to Morocco/Egypt/Pakistan? Perhaps visit the places were the men he has a issue with come from. He can leave you to site see, while he chats, see if his fears are unfounded.
Rather than discuss specific groups, discuss population rise and our climate and how we see things going if we eventually need to get rid of a third of woodland/green space for housing. How things are going to pan out re pensions because our population isn't flowing naturally, but via a sudden rise in narrow age group. You can convince him he's wrong.

The right wing press have so much to blame for this.

If it was families, women and children noone would be up in arms - well def a lot less. The concern is the number of apparently single men! Anyways that aside ref your relationship, I'm not sure counselling will help. Your DH like many many people are fired up by it all and don't want to hear the facts.

If it's as bad as you say, I'd ask him to move out.

Now this @WineCharm is much better, thank you! Still some snipes better left untyped but I’ll answer with:

I love him very much and this isn’t enough the break us but what I was referring to and have stated it was causing issue and arguments, due to having passionate positions. This can medal with the lay of the land because we have our children and potentially have differing views on what focuses on their protection… That’s life right BUT can come between you. Not enough to drive us apart but enough for things to start boiling in places it shouldn’t, such as debates in front of your children and before anyone comments.. Noonea perfect, emotion is part of life and if they have been privy to an escalating debate they always see us make up and happy once calmed and we explain what happened in a way that ‘mummy felt strongly about something and so did daddy and we won’t and don’t always agree’.

He does many things that is a credit to himself and makes me incredibly proud and warrants redirection… I needed advise on a healthy movement through these topics, I too mentioned I could well be the catalyst here. Maybe I react and am so hell bent on my view but by experience or others shared experience this can help.

im not clinging to any position but i do want people to come on here with some kind of consideration and not bate or use it as a platform to wax lyrical on their political view but how do you navigate in your relationships when your views strongly differ :)

My marriage will not fail over politics, if anything its the form of communication we are taking and that in itself needs to be worked on - I mention it’s a strain, yes.. Because it’s unpleasant but other than that, it’s just experience I am after.

Oooh no it’s not anywhere near this - He’s so well intentioned in most areas and despite how his views typed out here may make him look… He’s a very caring considerate bloke, who you wouldn’t naturally think would be one to think straight toward these views but that’s the thing, he’s a little unmatched.. I think his algorithm is feeding a certain view and unfortunately once that kicks in, it’s one sided content entirely. He doesn’t necessarily go on about it either but as and when it crops up, it then seems to roll for a few days at a time as it’s front and centre of our frustrations and I can be to blame as I sometimes can’t leave something if It’s niggling me.

Thanks for this - Well if we get a holiday out of it 🤣

To be honest, I don’t want to drive the ‘proving him wrong’ but more so, that he needs his statements backed up with legitimate sources and not tripe from social media. That’s my biggest frustration!
He can have his own views but he cannot sit on Tik Tok and tell me it’s fact.

My advice is to focus on your vows and why you made them to this individual. That was what my initial post meant and why I said this type of thing isn't relatable to me. Switch the news off, switch the SM and television off and reignite what matters in your family dynamic. Hope that helps and wish you (genuinely) the best.

One thing I haven’t mentioned - Is we haven’t had time together just us in probably 3+ years… That is also very much needed, so we can actually share thoughts, feelings, views in a calm environment! So, I’m going to get planning some time I think, just to be away from the everyday and reconnect a little better :)

Our youngest is 2(.5) yrs and man, we could do with some breathing space.

Anyway, I’ve had some real great advise and experiences to draw from, so I’ll likely close on this now!
Thanks for those that shared the positive and raw above, appreciate you.

I don't think I could continue a relationship with someone who's views were that different from my own. I draw the line at any intolerance of other groups of humans.

I don't need my partner to agree with me politically on everything, but I do need our underlying moral systems to align. My late OH and I had radically different views politically and subscribed to entirely different schools of political thought. But we both agreed on what the fundamental issues were - we just wanted different solutions to solve them.

How do you think he would be react if your children one day wanted to marry someone he didn't approve of?

I would ignore those giving you any advice on how to change his views to suit your own. That is not going to work, anyway he has a right to his own views. The left aren't always the default correct view despite, their conviction that they are the only ones with compassion.

I don't always agree with my Dh about politics and we have decided to not discuss the issues that cause tension. We both know better now than to try to change the others point of view.

Maybe you could both sit down and discuss the fact that this arguing is causing you distress and make an agreement to limit your phone use, or however you receive your information, and devote more brain space on things that you have in common. Maybe do some new stuff together for fun that has nothing to do with politics.

Certainly if you are an "empath" as you claim, you should limit your exposure to such news as upsets you. You really shouldn't be visibly upset in front of your children on a regular basis, it will lead to stress and worry for them.

Sorry, I've just seen your latest update, that seems a good plan.

YABU for self id-ing as an empath. What does this even mean in the context of political ideology?

It’s always a self-ID. Never in my days have I heard anyone refers to another person as a “huge empath” (or even a wee bit of an empath).

Why on earth does this have to be an Issue and it is appalling this affects your children married couple can habe opposing political views it doesn't have to be discussed

Yes issues surrounding your actual children should be sorted out but if you are speaking world views and it upsetting your children why on earth do it?

Is your need to be 'right' more important than your own children?

How about the ongoing grooming of children in the UK by certain ethnic groups?

As far as "genocides in the world", we know this is code for one particular conflict, which may or many not be genocide, and both sides can be accused of it.

What would your views be about the genocides in DRC or Sudan? I suspect these conflicts are not high on your agenda. Could it be you are disproportionately focussed on one conflict in the world at the expense of others? In other words, exactly what you're accusing your partner of?

I suspect we know the answer even if you're not prepared to admit it, and some self-reflection might go a long way to bridging the gap in your own cognitive dissonance.

Genuinely lol'd at the "empath" comment. You're the exact opposite of an empath if you can't or won't see things from your partners perspective.

I got mine to delete X because he was spending too much time arguing with people on it and it was making him angry and frustrated. I don’t know a single person who changed their political view because of an argument on X (or here. Or anywhere else for that matter).

I agree with the above: people simply don’t change their opinions, or only vanishingly rarely, and it is a lost cause trying to make them do so. I’ve flipped this around for myself - asked myself what it would take to change one of my own opinions, not just a little bit but to take the opposite view - and the answer is that I just can’t see it happening.

I think some of the difficulty lies in whether you think someone is coming at an issue in good faith - that is, having seriously researched or thought about it, rather than going on their gut, fuelled by a lies-filled algorithm. I like the approach of the PP who researches reputable sources together with her husband.

But I have to admit that another part of the difficulty for me lies in values. Some differences in points of view do seem to stem from a fundamental difference in values, and those differences can be hard to overlook. It’s harder to agree to disagree if that means having to accept something in the other person’s views that fundamentally violates your own value system.

Good luck OP.

Generally ‘lefties’ as you put it dislike right wing views because they’re generally about penalising and demonising certain groups. As I was growing up the Tories had a real thing about the so called fecklessness of single mothers. Not a word about the blokes who impregnated them and left them to it. Then it was benefit recipients. At the moment it’s fun to pick on people who are so desperate that they dice with death in the Channel.

We dislike your views because they’re generally unpleasant and about impinging on groups of people, who are at the end of the day just people, not cockroaches as the lovely Katie Hopkins once used.

I’ll always call out the bullies. The people who back in 30’s/40’s Germany turned their back on the death camps because they’d ‘othered’ a group of people so much they thought it was ok the government set about eradicating them.

YANBU

It would put me right off him.

When you marry an ordinary decent balanced person, I don't think its unreasonable to find it challenging when they develop an obsession with an issue and keep going on and on about it, getting angry, repeating the same comments and slogans over and over again and getting enraged if you offer a different viewpoint. Because this is very typical behaviour of those with strong anti immigration stances.
Look at the replies on this thread. Look at the way strangers have laid into OP because they share his views. Look at the amount of regurgitated catch phrases. See how they can't help themselves from taking the opportunity to bang their own anti immigration drum. Look how unpleasant and personal they've become to OP because she doesn't agree. Notice how the very mention of being left wing brings out the insults.
This is not a situation of equal responsibility. OP will not be instigating these altercations, because no one starts heated conversations about not being overally bothered by immigration.
It always comes from the other side when they're triggered by something they've seen, true or not. And when like the OPs H, they've reached the stage where they actively seek out fuel for their fire, this happens a lot.
Discussing politics shouldn't be a marital deal breaker. But unreasonable behaviour can be. And when you live with someone who can't stop going on and on and on about immigration, hectoring you, becoming enraged, as we see on the thread, that's pretty unreasonable if you have to live with it.

That can be said for any topic so for left and right set people or anything new discovery going on about anything repeatedly can be intolerable

And especially having to listen to someone try and have someone move to their way of thinking whether this is pro or anti immigration or anything else

My late husband and I were different politically - we respected each other’s view, didn’t argue about it, and concentrated on the more important things in life. 🤷‍♀️

Politics are just opinion, not always a case of right and wrong.

I would just like to add that at least your husband has an opinion that he expresses. He actually cares about politics and social issues. Try being with a man who only cares about the footy score and a cold beer.