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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to worry about a growing political divide in marriage?

374 replies

Whatsahappening · 08/08/2026 20:25

Changed accounts
Is there anyone else dealing with real political divide in their marriage?
I don’t want to go into all the back story but I have a husband who seems so fixated on migrants and drifting into right wing political views that I couldn’t be any further from.

I’m not a complete lefty but I focus solely on the things that matter more so (I feel) what is impacting women’s rights, my children’s upbringing and I am a huge empath and have really struggled with the current world events such as the genocide(s) happening within the world and genuinely fall to bits about it but the only passion I see from my husband is how enraged he gets around the ’impact’ the migrants have coming in this country - Which my view as a woman, is we have a far bigger problems within our own societies, within our own men/people in this country committing horrendous crimes, especially against women and children, yet not a smidge I hear around this!
There’s so much I could share on the matter but I fear it could be counterproductive.

I genuinely love my husband and we have had battle after battle recently.. I am insisting on couples therapy as we are arguing about this stuff in front of our children but I really need help from those going / been through this and can help with a resolution?

I know he has his own mind and should steer how he chooses but I need to figure a way that I won’t put so much emotion into this, that it could really pull on my marriage.

Thanks!

OP posts:
TinyFlamingo · 08/08/2026 23:33

I had this with my x husband and it wasn't survivable.
I have this with my partner now and just is
We do find a lot of stuff we have similar views at the core just the other side of the coin. There is some stuff where we just are wildly apart and we don't agree and we've got heated so there's a few things I do that help.

If it keeps coming up but there's not fresh points and you know you don't/can't agree I'll just say, "you know my view on this and it hasn't changed" and change the subject/shut it down. "I'm not discussing this again."
I also often defuse it with humour, "well my obsession of the day is broccoli. Do you have thoughts on that. That's what I'm dealing with."

Sometimes I'll call out the selectiveness and hypocrisy so he is very family values and marriage is bette for society yadayada, but we are not ever going to get married (mutual) agreement as an example. "But you won't marry me, huh, well that's interesting one rule for everyone else and one for you. Clearly I'm not marriage material (and a wink)"

These are just a few tactics depending on the topic. If I have a emotional story that has affected my life directly and shape my view I'll share it and often this softens him in the moment and in future discussions on the topic even if we still disagree.

Humour is probably my go to though because it stops you engaging and it getting heated. And often shuts it down.
If that's the goal give it a try. It doesn't mean you can't have meaningful debates and conversations we have those too but ok also with you and how we don't talk about the men in our society frequently hurting woman but we over obsessed with me coming over and doing it. Give a ship about that too please sir or else just don't!

Isthismykarma · 08/08/2026 23:35

I feel like the comments on here are so ridiculous. Everyone sticking up for the husband’s views is missing the OPs point entirely.
I am left leaning in my opinions, but I’m always willing to hear other people’s views and enjoy reasonable debate. You can often agree to disagree and it’s important to not live in a bubble. However, if two people in a marriage are at opposite ends of a spectrum, then it goes from difference of political opinions to completely didn’t morals and values making you incompatible - regardless of who may be “correct”!

Notcominhomenow · 08/08/2026 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Whatsahappening · 08/08/2026 23:52

Bringemout · 08/08/2026 22:40

maybe because he isn’t actually a racist and genuinely thinks that men from societies where there is a high level of control over women means that if they see a woman walking around outside they think she’s fair game whether she’s interested or not. The problem here is a theory of mind gap, you can’t empathise with his position because you think anyone objecting to male refugees must on some level be a racist and thats the only explanation. He can’t understand why you would be (in his view) be willing to put women and girls in the UK at risk because you have more empathy with men than you do with women (theorising here).

I don’t want to litigate your disagreement with your husband but to me It’s interesting how big the gap is between how women in those countries see their countrymen and how western white women (I’m not white) see them. It’s fascinating, I know several women married to Egyptian men for example who are otherwise perfectly normal blokes (not particularly controlling etc) but would never ever let their wife walk the streets of Cairo alone due to the level of street harassment, they genuinely fear for their safety. Hell my egyptian friend doesn’t like travelling without her husband in a lot of areas.

Massive cultural gaps exist they are very real and they have a real world impact on women. On another thread somebody seemed to float the idea that chrisitan arabs would be fine with sex outside of marriage or a child out of wedlock. It’s amazing to me that people don’t get how different value systems are and that they are very very real. Look at India, women are genuinely murdered over dowries. Many places practice FGM because fundamentally a woman being able to experience sexual pleasure is basically at risk of becoming a whore. I was on twitter and there was a saudi man complaining that girls were now going to coffee shops and actually laughing in public (shocking I know). Now imagine how that man sees women who walk around wearing shorts with bare arms and their hair out.

Ofcourse there are plenty of lovely normal arab men who aren’t weird about everything but people often carry their cultural norms with them. A lot of times they can be positive, deeply family oriented, giving to charity, public behaviour, gulf arab men often have the loveliest of manners towards women in public. BUt sometimes it is very dark and the attitudes towards women are often frankly shocking.

Thank you for laying this out so articulately…
I agree that it is these cultural behaviours that he fixates on which absolutely is a concern.

We’ve had a further chat tonight to debate in a less stressful environment and it got heated but equally levelled out when we decided to stick some context and facts to it - Looked online.

Thanks to those who have actually put a well rounded view and actual steps to consider moving through this a little more healthily :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsahappening · 08/08/2026 23:57

Isthismykarma · 08/08/2026 23:35

I feel like the comments on here are so ridiculous. Everyone sticking up for the husband’s views is missing the OPs point entirely.
I am left leaning in my opinions, but I’m always willing to hear other people’s views and enjoy reasonable debate. You can often agree to disagree and it’s important to not live in a bubble. However, if two people in a marriage are at opposite ends of a spectrum, then it goes from difference of political opinions to completely didn’t morals and values making you incompatible - regardless of who may be “correct”!

Thank you - My point and fears entirely!
I don’t want this to create a chasm that doesn’t need to be there.

It’s the unhelpful, judgemental comments I can’t bear - As if they’ve never had a problem to face.

Thank you for summarising exactly what I was after :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsahappening · 09/08/2026 00:02

TinyFlamingo · 08/08/2026 23:33

I had this with my x husband and it wasn't survivable.
I have this with my partner now and just is
We do find a lot of stuff we have similar views at the core just the other side of the coin. There is some stuff where we just are wildly apart and we don't agree and we've got heated so there's a few things I do that help.

If it keeps coming up but there's not fresh points and you know you don't/can't agree I'll just say, "you know my view on this and it hasn't changed" and change the subject/shut it down. "I'm not discussing this again."
I also often defuse it with humour, "well my obsession of the day is broccoli. Do you have thoughts on that. That's what I'm dealing with."

Sometimes I'll call out the selectiveness and hypocrisy so he is very family values and marriage is bette for society yadayada, but we are not ever going to get married (mutual) agreement as an example. "But you won't marry me, huh, well that's interesting one rule for everyone else and one for you. Clearly I'm not marriage material (and a wink)"

These are just a few tactics depending on the topic. If I have a emotional story that has affected my life directly and shape my view I'll share it and often this softens him in the moment and in future discussions on the topic even if we still disagree.

Humour is probably my go to though because it stops you engaging and it getting heated. And often shuts it down.
If that's the goal give it a try. It doesn't mean you can't have meaningful debates and conversations we have those too but ok also with you and how we don't talk about the men in our society frequently hurting woman but we over obsessed with me coming over and doing it. Give a ship about that too please sir or else just don't!

This is perfect, I think I go straight to frustration… Not right, I know!
So, I need to almost manage the rising feeling and try to bring it down.

Thank you for sharing - Super insightful! Sorry to hear your previous relationship didn’t survive the divide but I’m hoping it’s made you a master at managing it as you’ve stepped forward :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsahappening · 09/08/2026 00:07

DontSayItsOver · 08/08/2026 23:25

I feel a lot of sympathy with you and I’m sorry this thread has been hijacked. I am in a similar situation albeit reversed.

I am the one who you could consider the more “angry” about immigration, social issues, etc and its caused clashes with DH who shares the same view you do, that it’s bad but it’s not the biggest issue.

I know it’s not the biggest issue, and I’m not naive enough to think the press and social media companies aren’t doing everything they can to stoke the flames, but those things don’t make my feelings any less valid. I’m not going to go into all the talking points because we all know them, but whenever me and DH get into it, he’ll bring up some ridiculous and hateful thing Lowe or Farage have said and use that as some gotcha to say if I believe this then I agree with this ridiculous thing. And it’s not really fair because as others have said, if you voice concern, you’re branded all these horrible things.

It hasn’t gone to an uncomfortable level yet, but there’s definitely that tension whenever there’s something about it on the news and we’re both thinking who’s going to mention it first. Maybe it’s a bit different because me and DH are both left-wing lifelong Labour, and agree on every political topic except this one, but there’s definitely a divide that wasn’t there a year or two ago.

All that to say I don’t really know how you resolve it. I guess the best thing would be for the government to somehow solve the problem, then none of us would have anything to argue about.

Haha, if only it were taken out of our hands - Thanks for being honest around your views and I do understand them, we all just need more solid data points and just not social media heightening fears and using damn algorithms to push narratives.

Though, we could all use experiences like this and not allow the ‘hijacker’s’ to change the request of this post :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsahappening · 09/08/2026 00:09

CypressGrove · 08/08/2026 23:25

I personally couldn't be living with someone who calls themselves a 'huge empath' so the poor guy can't be that bad.

Hmmmmm, almost sure I’ve seen your name about too - Another bater.

OP posts:
WineCharm · 09/08/2026 00:10

Nowhere in my vows did it say we had to agree on politics or even discuss them. Not a relatable issue for me, thankfully.

Original poster
Whatsahappening · 09/08/2026 00:11

Notsooldcrock · 08/08/2026 23:09

@Whatsahappening "The ongoing slaughter of children is a global issue"

I agree, but it's happening, sadly, in other areas of the world than Gaza - but everyone seems to ignore that.

Agreed! Though, the point was world events steering UK politics - Which, of course it will and should.

You’ll notice I didn’t specifically mention a particular genocide. I believe any and all atrocity in this vein should be everyone’s problem to stop.

OP posts:
Whatifitallgoesright · 09/08/2026 00:19

InterestedDad37 · 08/08/2026 20:37

I'm very much of the left, used to be far left when I was young - but I have friends on the right, including 2 Tory councillors - but there's no way I could be married/partnered with someone who is veering towards being a bigot. That's a relationship-ender afaic.

Oh, the usual. Someone is concerned about illeagal immigration so you jump straight to 'bigot'. I think it's the lazy thinking that irritates me the most.

Original poster
Whatsahappening · 09/08/2026 00:20

5128gap · 08/08/2026 22:56

Taking the politics out and focusing on the relationship issue.
I think you have two problems. Firstly, by continuing to voice views to you that he knows offend you, your husband is not showing you respect.
Secondly by parroting misinformation from dubious sources as fact, he is in danger of losing your respect. Because it calls into question his intelligence and rationality.
Both of these things would be equally true if he was spouting extreme left wing views or conspiracy theories or was a passionate flat earther.
The first I'd deal with by setting hard boundaries. You need to tell him that you don't want to discuss these issues or have him speak to you about them and if he does you will see it as disrespect for your boundary.
The second is tougher. Because once you lose respect for a person it's very hard to regain. You could maybe try to see it as an anomaly in a usually intelligent man. And if you can succeed in stopping him going on about it, it won't be front and centre all the time, so easier to crowd it out with his good points.

Edited

I think we have agreed that we will speaking less about it - You right in what you are saying though, the credibility is somewhat flagging when attempting to have a serious conversation around it and knowing SM is at the route of it.

OP posts:
southofscotland · 09/08/2026 00:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Gentlework · 09/08/2026 00:30

@Whatsahappening For some gallows humour, have a look at Viz comic's strip 'The Male Online'. It's the cartoon version of your situation!

InterestedDad37 · 09/08/2026 00:32

Whatifitallgoesright · 09/08/2026 00:19

Oh, the usual. Someone is concerned about illeagal immigration so you jump straight to 'bigot'. I think it's the lazy thinking that irritates me the most.

Show quote history

😂😂 Now who's making assumptions and jumping to conclusions?! It is (of course) more nuanced.

Original poster
Whatsahappening · 09/08/2026 00:34

WineCharm · 09/08/2026 00:10

Nowhere in my vows did it say we had to agree on politics or even discuss them. Not a relatable issue for me, thankfully.

@WineCharm You gotta laugh!
Your vows probably doesn’t cover much of the uncomfortable truths of marriage but hey… It’s all good @WineCharm not a relatable one for you 😉🫠

What a luxury!

Eitherway, I actually have a wonderfully strong marriage, we’ve been through many a challenge and at the crux of it all, know we love and adore each other.
Sometimes you just want a healthier route.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsahappening · 09/08/2026 00:38

Gentlework · 09/08/2026 00:30

@Whatsahappening For some gallows humour, have a look at Viz comic's strip 'The Male Online'. It's the cartoon version of your situation!

That will be a funny one to pop under his nose 😅

OP posts:
WineCharm · 09/08/2026 00:39

Whatsahappening · 09/08/2026 00:34

@WineCharm You gotta laugh!
Your vows probably doesn’t cover much of the uncomfortable truths of marriage but hey… It’s all good @WineCharm not a relatable one for you 😉🫠

What a luxury!

Eitherway, I actually have a wonderfully strong marriage, we’ve been through many a challenge and at the crux of it all, know we love and adore each other.
Sometimes you just want a healthier route.

Show quote history

Well, my vows didn't include allowing SM to come between my marriage via 'concerns about real life issues' and then arguing with my real life husband about virtual talking points which may or may not be realty while my real life relationship suffers in front of my real life children.

You are damaging your own relationships by listening to the television instead of nurturing your home and yourself.

You asked, 'AIBU', so you have to expect that some will think YABU and have the courtesy to tell you why if you're here to learn.

If you want praise on things we don't know about, because you didn't mention them, or just wanted an echo chamber to tell you how fantastically empathetic you are, you could have prefaced this on your post and I wouldn't have wasted my energy trying to assist.

TinyFlamingo · 09/08/2026 00:41

Whatsahappening · 09/08/2026 00:07

Haha, if only it were taken out of our hands - Thanks for being honest around your views and I do understand them, we all just need more solid data points and just not social media heightening fears and using damn algorithms to push narratives.

Though, we could all use experiences like this and not allow the ‘hijacker’s’ to change the request of this post :)

Show quote history

Exactly if I'm laughing I'm not reacting. And bubbling up!
Definitely helps x
I'll say the mist outrageous thing I can funny wise or just something so silly it breaks the flow or tension or.

Like what do you mean I'm a woman (so I'll think that - ignore that) OH MY GOD I've got breasts, breasts!

😂

MyPlumHelper · 09/08/2026 00:41

I am a huge empath

That would have me running for the hills any more than political views that weren't entirely identical to my own.

There's a particular sort that says I am an empath.

Original poster
Whatsahappening · 09/08/2026 00:46

WineCharm · 09/08/2026 00:39

Well, my vows didn't include allowing SM to come between my marriage via 'concerns about real life issues' and then arguing with my real life husband about virtual talking points which may or may not be realty while my real life relationship suffers in front of my real life children.

You are damaging your own relationships by listening to the television instead of nurturing your home and yourself.

You asked, 'AIBU', so you have to expect that some will think YABU and have the courtesy to tell you why if you're here to learn.

If you want praise on things we don't know about, because you didn't mention them, or just wanted an echo chamber to tell you how fantastically empathetic you are, you could have prefaced this on your post and I wouldn't have wasted my energy trying to assist.

Show quote history

Oh @WineCharm.
im not damaging my own relationship, im surely attempting to alleviate tension.
Though, you just reacted to sarcasm and decided to bite a response back - Fair.

Your initial comment wasn’t advise.
You then mention how unrelatable it all was - I’m not sure what you wanted to add or what response, if one was given… you were expecting?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsahappening · 09/08/2026 00:49

MyPlumHelper · 09/08/2026 00:41

I am a huge empath

That would have me running for the hills any more than political views that weren't entirely identical to my own.

There's a particular sort that says I am an empath.

Anyone on this hype… Honestly, refrain from commenting.

Advise for the post is all that is needed.

OP posts:
MyPlumHelper · 09/08/2026 00:49

Whatsahappening · 09/08/2026 00:49

Anyone on this hype… Honestly, refrain from commenting.

Advise for the post is all that is needed.

Show quote history

You post on the internet, then you get any replies from anything you've said you can't control what people say.

Original poster
Whatsahappening · 09/08/2026 00:50

TinyFlamingo · 09/08/2026 00:41

Exactly if I'm laughing I'm not reacting. And bubbling up!
Definitely helps x
I'll say the mist outrageous thing I can funny wise or just something so silly it breaks the flow or tension or.

Like what do you mean I'm a woman (so I'll think that - ignore that) OH MY GOD I've got breasts, breasts!

😂

Show quote history

This I shall be practising from here on in! Humour over rage any day of the week 😁♥️

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsahappening · 09/08/2026 00:51

MyPlumHelper · 09/08/2026 00:49

You post on the internet, then you get any replies from anything you've said you can't control what people say.

Show quote history

Evidently not 😉

OP posts: