AIBU to worry about a growing political divide in marriage?

[Whatsahappening]

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Is there anyone else dealing with real political divide in their marriage?
I don’t want to go into all the back story but I have a husband who seems so fixated on migrants and drifting into right wing political views that I couldn’t be any further from.

I’m not a complete lefty but I focus solely on the things that matter more so (I feel) what is impacting women’s rights, my children’s upbringing and I am a huge empath and have really struggled with the current world events such as the genocide(s) happening within the world and genuinely fall to bits about it but the only passion I see from my husband is how enraged he gets around the ’impact’ the migrants have coming in this country - Which my view as a woman, is we have a far bigger problems within our own societies, within our own men/people in this country committing horrendous crimes, especially against women and children, yet not a smidge I hear around this!
There’s so much I could share on the matter but I fear it could be counterproductive.

I genuinely love my husband and we have had battle after battle recently.. I am insisting on couples therapy as we are arguing about this stuff in front of our children but I really need help from those going / been through this and can help with a resolution?

I know he has his own mind and should steer how he chooses but I need to figure a way that I won’t put so much emotion into this, that it could really pull on my marriage.

Thanks!

What do you want, to not talk about it at all or
have him agree with you?

Sympathies OP. My DH is more right wing than me (LibDem voter) and has usually voted Tory. But wet sort of Tory. I can live with this but if our fundamental values were at odds I would struggle. He was Remain and I don’t think I could have stayed married to a brexiter. I’m not sure what to say… he sounds like he’s gone down a rabbit hole. Is it retrievable?

DH and I don’t agree about everything all the time but thats ok, I just express curiosity about his view, he expresses curiosity about mine we have a discussion about it and agree to disagree.

I think if you believe yourself to be an empath and tolerant then perhaps you could shove some of that at your husband? You don’t have to agree with him but perhaps you could try to see where he’s coming from and ask him to consider where you are coming from.

Why are you discussing these things in front of your children?

do you truly “fall to bits” as in cry and what not?

I'm very much of the left, used to be far left when I was young - but I have friends on the right, including 2 Tory councillors - but there's no way I could be married/partnered with someone who is veering towards being a bigot. That's a relationship-ender afaic.

I had this same issue - we agreed to disagree on certain political issues, and focused on what we had in common, so as to save the relationship.

This especially re “I’m an empath!!”
I have found that when people announce this, they usually are very naval gazing, self important and cannot actually see others viewpoint!

We muddled through for a number of years. My approach was to sit down with him and fact check every claim he made - pull statistics out, the lot. Eventually, I just realised he is too far gone and I can't see my life with him. It was when he started forwarding me the Red Pill content, I packed it in. It's OK to have political disagreements but some things are just unacceptable, in my view.

@ALovelyPinkUnicorn Always get the useless comments, shame it had to be the first - Mentioned what I wanted in the above.

@Johnogroats Thank you - A rabbit hole
indeed but his ‘research’ is instagram and Tik Tok, which is why we get into such debates about his views.
I’m hoping it’s somewhat reversible but I struggle to get through… He says I’m missing ‘the’ point and when he explains the point, it’s such a fabricated line with 0 stats to back it up. It’s a real challenge.

@Bringemout You have a point but my main concern here, is how big a problem this is becoming. We disagree on many things which have little to no impact in our daily lives, this is just becoming a problem because we feel really unaligned here.
Ha, the empath comment is quite the dig, as there have been many situations in our marriage that have had my empathy, trust me… Even when perhaps it shouldn’t have. So, this one I hold certain values and more so because they have impacted me personally, therefore somewhat a conflict of interest.

@bigageap We are human… Things leek and you show emotion in front of your children.

The ‘fall to bits’ you’ve taken out of context, around the worlds current events… This does not happen in front of my children. I would not look or subject them to such horror or to even question why I may be so upset.

@InterestedDad37 Thanks for your
experience, it’s bladdy tough! At first I just thought he took the mic out of it and was almost just a bit of banter against my views but it wasn’t until he’s voted in the local elections and we bickered more around the views that this really is something he thinks and feels… Hence needing to figure out how we pull the tension out of it, whilst still being able to communicate effectively! :)

Oh wow! Thanks for sharing your experience…
Oh okay, the red pill stuff is a real red flag and o totally get that position and where you decided to go.
I think you were driven and sensible though, to really attempt to view the sides with facts - That’s definitely something we should likely do in a controlled way. I think right now we just share bits and suddenly our backs are up because we instantly disagree or if I’m truthful, my back instantly goes up.

I’m definitely apart of the problem here as I am very fixed in how I see things and where I feel the priorities lay. So, even any (constructive!) feedback for me, would be great.

You don't see how an unending stream of young men from wartorn and regressive third world countries, with no accompanying women to meet their needs, could possibly be a danger to the women and children of this country?

Neither do you think that the growing numbers of Muslims (bolstered by the unending stream of migration) and their increasing political power via their influence on the Labour and Green parties is a concern either? Despite "women's rights" being your top priority?

It's a wonder your husband put up with YOU when your thinking is so muddled.

Not once have I mentioned it ‘not’ being a concern! However… Do I think it’s the largest problem to our women and children and that it should be the focus or mostly the only focus of danger to our women & children? No.
We have plenty of dangers with our own people that too need to be highlighted and fought against and these migrants that come across who do contribute to these atrocities should absolutely be upheld - It’s the ‘FOCUS’ im confused about, above all other things, it should be a smaller percentage in an overall issue and problems within this country.

This. ^ Funny how people with more right wing views/right of centre don't start threads about how annoyed they are with their partner's or friend's LEFT wing views! 🙄

It's always the lefties who can't STAND people having a different opinion to them, and announce how WRONG the more right of centre people are!

Get a grip @Whatsahappening ! Your husband does not have to agree with you.

And for one, I agree (and many others do) that 1000s of undocumented young men a month washing up on our shores with completely different values, and hardly any respect for women IS a huge concern!

!

From your last post OP it seems that you have some concerns about the issues that your husband focuses on. Does he have similar thoughts about your concerns too?

If so it sounds like you have some middle ground there that perhaps you could focus on. If you did that and then, perhaps save the more difficult debates for when the children aren't around. You clearly say that you love your husband so surely you can work through this?

I can’t be doing with adults who can’t disagree on politics. He gets one vote so do you. You’re both free to use them as you wish. Stop discussing it if it’s causing arguments.

I can understand your predicament. I lost friends over Brexit. People I no longer see. I just can’t be doing with people I find unjust or racist. I would find it very hard to stay, but breaking up a family is also not something to do lightly.

50% of those granted asylum in the U.K. are women.

I don’t care about people having a political opinion that is different to mine. There is nothing wrong with being right wing. There is something objectionable about being racist, bigoted and homophobic. If you can’t tell the difference, that’s on you.

And yes, I expect there aren’t many people willing to start a thread saying “my partner refuses to be as racist as me”

Is that your role in life too, to meet the "needs" of the men around you? Or is it just brown women who are only good for that?

Communication is key in any partnership/relationship.

Your ‘advise’ is as shocking as your opinion.

Stop talking and thinking about these topic its all hot air

if you feel v strongly about something join/ sign up / donate volunteer do actions

absolutely no need for you watch the news together or at all

So I can’t see how anyone could’ve thought Brexit was a good idea or who can’t see that Farage is a con man who is only interested in enriching himself. But I certainly wouldn’t end a friendship or a marriage over it. Seems insane to me. You think any partner you have has to have the same political opinions as you?

100% can/will/are working through this, I’m just conscious the way we are doing it right now is causing issue and appearing in ways we would prefer it not :)

Oh we’ve worked through much larger things and I’m not going to let this be anything bigger than what it needs to be - I just need advise as I don’t want to resent or grow apart because of the narrative that is being set in this country. I would love some middle ground and ways to discuss more appropriately.