AIBU to have a third child

[Blossomtreetoken]

Currently have 2 children. Ages 5 and 9. Both wonderful and healthy. Had the urge for a third for about 3 years now and I can’t shake it. I feel it’s crunch time, now or never. I’m 33. Husband is 38. Our children are our absolute lives and we are a solid family unit. We both have goods jobs (in our view) and earn about £100k between us (uk).

Am I being unreasonable to go ahead and do it?

This feeling has hung around for years but I’ve never had the courage to go ahead and do it. Mainly because it feels that I am risking our already perfect set up. Also concerned about age gaps.

if anyone can comment with any experience or thoughts that may help us bring this decision to a head and get either indeed try for a third child (am very aware this may not result in a child) or closure and we can move forward. In serious limbo.

I think your eldest might automatically take on a caring role and they would be close but over time your middle child might look at the advantages your youngest will have (more 1-2-1 as a late teen, more financial support) and be resentful. Also ageing sperm = higher risk of ASD and you’ve admitted you’d struggle to cope.

FWIW, I wouldn’t do it. Age gap, plus less money and time to go round, potential resentment from current kids, potential health challenges.. You are basically risking putting a bomb in your current set up which sounds really lovely. Be happy with what you have got op, sometimes the thought of a third is way better than the reality..

This is my experience too.

I love my 3rd one to bits, and they completed our family, but they also nearly broke me.

it’s far easier now they’re 13, 11 and 9, but if I had known then what I know now I would have stopped at 2.

I have 5 yo 3 yo and 1yo. I would never have felt done without baby 3. I feel less broody with each child. It would have driven me frankly insane to stop at 2 it was all my brain thought about. Other posters gonna come for me bc it’s not allowed to verbalise these feelings on here I feel

I agonised over this for years and didn’t as husband didn’t want to. I have no real regrets as parenting teens is expensive and time consuming in a very different way. I miss the days of little ones but I am pleased I can be fully there for my two kids in a way I personally couldn’t have been with another little person to worry about and care for. I am a third child btw and that was a factor in my thinking about that.

Having said that you are only 33, I had my first baby at this age!

You are allowed! I felt the same. I couldn’t go for the third and it did die down eventually. But I understand, it was all consuming.

I am always surprised by how anti larger families most Mumsnet posters are.

At 33 you are still young, and there is a high likelihood you will have a normal pregnancy and healthy child.

I had my first at your age, my third when I was 40. There is a five year age gap between DC2 and DC3. I simply did not feel “done” after two DC, but very much did feel my family was complete after three. Three does make logistics harder - cars, holidays, even tables at restaurants are all more challenging since UK society is designed for families of 2+2. But if you can afford it, these are all navigable.

None of us could imagine a life without DC3. While there has been the (rare) occasion when DC1 has done some looking after of DC3 I can probably count the occasions on one hand. As it turned out DC2 was always a little immature for their age, and DC3 more mature and both had similar interests, so they ended up being far closer playmates than DC1 and DC2, despite the bigger age gap.

I have never for a second regretted having DC3. Having a bigger age gap actually made DC3’s baby years easier than DC2, when I was managing both a baby and a toddler.

So my view would be, if both you and your husband want a third and can afford it, then go for it!

You're still young so I don't feel like your age should be a consideration.

I do feel though that with two healthy children in a family there really are no good reasons (other than that biological longing, which I know can be strong) to have a third. On the other hand there are plenty of reasons not to:

• The possibility of a child with special needs. Of course this child would be as loved as your others, and you would figure out how to cope with it and best support the child, but the financial and emotional impact can be huge, and the other children will inevitably be negatively affected.
• The cost of a third child. Children are expensive, especially if you want to provide them with all possible opportunities.
• Two children = one child per adult. My two children had very different needs and interests, and being able to divide and conquer enabled them each to have those needs met. Adding a third child would have compromised that.
• Logistics - only needing one hotel room, having a hand to hold each child's hand, etc.
• Environmental reasons/the exploding population of the world. No reason to add to the problem.
• Small children, small problems. Big children, big problems. Every time you have a child, the amount of love you have to give expands. Unfortunately, the amount of worry and stress also expands. My children are now in their 20s and it doesn't end.

There's no way I'd have a baby with the way the world is now, not a chance. So I do admire those who feel so positively about it. But I personally think you would b VVU to have another!

Oh I feel the same!

Oddly, I am a real over thinker usually but we were just always set on three and I didn’t really agonise worrying if there might be a problem. Which was probably foolish! Although, I often feel like these things aren’t such a worry for people having a second yet are always presented as reasons to avoid having more than two. Perhaps two is the acceptable limit of risk!

Just had our 3rd with similar age gaps. So far it’s been lovely, definitely no urge to ever be pregnant again. I feel very done and complete. We have a similar income to you OP.

Age gap I was worried about but it’s been great so far. The kids are at an age they really understand and helping around the house etc.

That’s lovely. What age and genders do you have?

were you concerned about age gaps before hand and what helped you decide to go for it in the end? ☺️

Girl / Boy / Girl - nothing about wanting a certain gender.

I was worried about the age gaps we had a few miscarriages and even considered if we should just stick at 2 kids. So ideally we wanted a smaller age gap (more 3-4 years for the youngest to middle), but that didn’t happen.

We just knew we weren’t done, I could have got over it in years to come im sure but it was always on my mind. I didn’t want to regret not having the third.

It’s just so nice to not think about it all the time, not have it hanging over our heads any more.

I think it was really obvious when I tried to sell
some baby items and cried for the day.

Dear god, stop. It is irresponsible to have more than one. Selfish and irresponsible.

Btw I have two, so make up your own mind.

Did you have 3 in the end?

thanks for replying yes agree that different things get brought up when you question having 2 vs 1 or 3 vs 2

Yes, I have three.

I’d actually love a fourth, but that’s a whole other thread! 😂

Aww sounds like you’ve enjoyed having 3! What are your ages?

I think lots of parents will say do it because as a parent they liked having a third. Reading through the posts here, the majority are focused on how the poster felt, what they wanted, how it worked for them. Hardly anyone talks about what was/would be best for the children themselves.

As the oldest of three, though, I was envious of my friends from smaller families. I was the sensible oldest child expected to get on with things while my mother was busy with the younger two. I had to grow up very quickly and I never had that close relationship with my mum that lots of my friends had, and I see very little of her or my siblings as an adult. Older children “helping” with the baby isn’t a benefit for them, it’s a burden. Will you still have time to take them to clubs, make fancy dress costumes and birthday cakes, help them with homework etc. if you’ve got a baby to deal with?

For the sake of your two existing children, I’d say don’t do it. A baby will keep you so busy that you just won’t be able to give them the same time and attention and they are old enough to really notice and be affected by this. And that’s assuming the baby doesn’t have any disabilities or additional needs.

Be grateful for what you have and put your children first, they deserve it.

What does your husband want?

Another child also, he likes the idea of a larger family but has said if I don’t want to do, he’s ok with that too.

One of the things I’ve been talking to my husband about is not making a decision based on what we want and considering the impact on everyone so he’s very aware of this. As you can probably imagine by the fact we’re weighing it up properly and considering all aspects and possibilities.

The chances of having a healthy child are very much in your favour, and I don't think the gap is huge. I have the same gap and would love a third but I'm already 40 and DH never has. You have many fertile years left and the gap will only get bigger so if you think you will be undecided for the next 5 years then go for it now!

Our third was a surprise and there is a 4 and 7yr age gap with her siblings. We were adamant we were done at two but she is the baby we never knew we needed to complete our family and having her is the best thing that has happened for us all. Her older siblings adore her and she just slotted in like she was always meant to be here.

They are only 5, 3 and 1.5 so it’s still early stages. These threads always warn me that it will be hell when they are teenagers. 😂

I am a relatively uptight, Type A kind of person, but I genuinely think that having three has made me a better mum. I’m much more relaxed. We also feel strongly that none of them should miss out due to having an “extra” sibling, so we make it a real conscious decision to ensure they all get plenty of family time and time as individuals. Obviously, there is no getting away from the fact that three is more children to divide resources between, but I think I’m almost more sensitive to try and correct this than most mums of two I know. We are lucky that space and finances aren’t too much of a worry so having a third hasn’t impacted our usual lifestyle.

They are brilliant together. I feel very fortunate.

Third at 38, 8 year gap between eldest and youngest.

simple decision. For us.

but different times, youngest now 23, and the whole affordability aspect now is likely a far bigger issue now than it was getting on for a quarter of a century ago.

No regrets - well none beyond the masses of playmobil and Lego.