AIBU to have a third child

[Blossomtreetoken]

Currently have 2 children. Ages 5 and 9. Both wonderful and healthy. Had the urge for a third for about 3 years now and I can’t shake it. I feel it’s crunch time, now or never. I’m 33. Husband is 38. Our children are our absolute lives and we are a solid family unit. We both have goods jobs (in our view) and earn about £100k between us (uk).

Am I being unreasonable to go ahead and do it?

This feeling has hung around for years but I’ve never had the courage to go ahead and do it. Mainly because it feels that I am risking our already perfect set up. Also concerned about age gaps.

if anyone can comment with any experience or thoughts that may help us bring this decision to a head and get either indeed try for a third child (am very aware this may not result in a child) or closure and we can move forward. In serious limbo.

I’m a quit while you’re ahead type of person, however, I know plenty of families with three children and their lives are still ‘perfect’ as they love parenting.

If you have a secure set-up, emotionally and financially then I can’t see why you wouldn’t add to your brood if that’s what you and DH want.

Mine are closer in age than yours and we don’t earn quite what you do but our 3rd has been really hard. Hard pregnancy, difficult birth & difficult baby/feeding issues. I feel so pulled in all directions and find having all 3 on my own so hard (mine are 6.5, 5 & 1.5). I am so at capacity I hope I haven’t ruined the older twos childhood.

There is some weird bullshit out there that the 3rd one just slots in - not in my experience at least. Go in eyes wide open OP, I truly love my 3rd baby but it’s been really really hard.

Go for it. You have the resources so why not. But sooner rather than later as the age gaps are already big.

I had my third when my youngest was 4 . He was a tricky baby health wise with severe reflux , failure to thrive,numerous hospital admissions etc but he has completed our family. Cannot imagine life without him and all three are very close adults.

I think there’s no wrong answer, but having said that, the financial impact on your family with a third child will be huge.

I say that as the third child myself. My dad loves me dearly but explained that with three, the car is bigger, the holidays are so so much more expensive, as is eating out, Christmas, the teenage years etc. You should consider the wider impact on you (retirement, savings) and your children in the future. Otherwise, I loved my life and being a third child! (But my dad earned the equivalent of £100K in the 90s and there was 0 childcare costs during summer as my mum didn’t work until I was 7)

If you want to and can afford it -then go for it !
I had my third baby in my 40s, when my children were 4 and 8.
third baby fitted right in. He’s two now. We can’t imagine life without him now 🥰
I feel now my family is complete. I had never felt that before.

Thanks for all comments very helpful. If anyone has any further comments we’d love more x

My sisters have 3 op its alot of juggling. But yours a nice gap in ages. But everyone different. I had 2.

We just had our third, she’s really slotted in and is an easy baby. Her siblings are in love with her and I’m really enjoying doing the newborn thing all over again but really taking it in this time ❤️

I’m pregnant with my third. Kids will be just turned 5 and 3.5 when baby arrives. Hoping for a “slot in” baby but know it’ll be hard at first

A friend of mine spent ages considering a third and went for it. Sadly her youngest child is disabled and it has drastically changed the childhoods of the older two.

For me I don't think I could put my older two through something like that. But that is a chance you have to take.

I have 3 children and earn 100k between me and my husband. My 3rd settled straight in and he’s everyone’s baby. My other two (5 and 7) dote on him. I have absolutely no regrets and couldn’t imagine life with only 2 now.
I think you’d regret not having a baby but you’d never regret a baby you had in your arms.

Hi OP I don't have any advice as such but just want to offer a bit of solidarity. I'm desperate for a 3rd baby but the thought has massively impacted my husband's mental health to the point we are seeking couples therapy to get past this. I'm absolutely heartbroken as this is also a feeling I can't shake and know I will grieve for a very long time. I hope you reach a decision that you are comfortable with for both of you. I wish my husband was on board with the idea. For context our age gap would be 6, 3.5, newborn.

Mine has been lovely.
Shes only one but she has just fitted in perfectly. I got lucky though as she is incredibly easy and chilled in characters. My older kids adore her.

I think it depends what kind of lifestyle you want. Three kids on that income isn’t going to leave you in poverty, obviously. But another child is always expensive and a third often tips you into extra expenses that your second didn’t (extra hotel room, larger car etc). It also isn’t going to leave a lot of spare cash around for holidays or being able to do lots of days out in the school holidays etc.

I also personally wouldn’t want the lifestyle of 3 kids. Having two and leaving them both with one parent for the other to get a break is already quite demanding, in my opinion. One adult dealing with three would be too much for me! And harder to find family or paid help to babysit.

I wouldn’t with that gap. I had a third when my second had just turned four. The older two absolutely dote on him but it is tough. My older two are finally at ages I can take them alone for some fun days out which I now can’t do with a toddler in tow. It’s very restrictive. We obviously love him lots but I really feel the four year age gap and can only imagine it’d be worst with a six year gap.

Thanks all. 2 comments stand out for me on here. One where someone considered a third child for a long time but had a disabled child (and the impact of that on the other 2 children) and the age gaps and how restrictive the third child may be on getting out and about with my 2. I thought earlier that it would impact getting out but I didn’t want that to be a reason not to do it but of course thinking about it and actually living it is different.

I fear I’ve missed the boat and the age gaps too large. Being 33, naturally this increases my risk of issues with the baby as opposed to my age when having my first 2. So difficult, wish I could just settle on a decision.

I'd never offer this advice unsolicited but you've asked so I will. I think having more than 2 seems to work best for families with some support, either paid for or extended family. They can also work for people that don't need a lot of downtime, people that will happily do a bedtime routine and then go back down to do housework.

Without any of that stuff more than 2 kids can spread you really thin.

Are you generally high risk OP? I had my first child when I was 34 and my second four years later. Both fine, they're young adults now so I feel I can make that judgement 😁

Currently pregnant with my 3rd, which will be born when I'm 33 and my DH 34. We have a smaller age gap, with a 4 & 2 year old, but I'm excited to see who the final piece of our family is.

Pros: I didn't feel done until now, despite societal pressure to stop at 2. We can afford it, are great at parenting, have the space, and our DC are over the moon waiting for baby.

Cons: I find pregnancy harder the older I get. More kids, more responsibility, more tiring. The risk of loss being higher with age was scary, especially as we had a loss between #1&#2. I'm also accutely aware a child with additional needs would make things so much harder for my existing 2 children, and do have a bit of apprehension over that. We'd be able to handle it financially and emotionally, but it's in the back of my mind until baby is here healthily.

I think if you are prepared for the possibilities this could bring you hardship as well as joy then why not go for it?

Don’t think I’m high risk. I’m healthy weight, no health issues that I’m aware of, Carried both my children to term with vaginal deliveries. Don’t smoke etc. I have miscarriaged 3x though but all prior to 9 weeks.

I do fear birth defects and health problems very much, but I suppose we all take that risk with each pregnancy. Not sure how much higher the risk is at my age to be honest. Sounds like you were similar age and all was well which is reassuring.

Would you consider the NIPT test to put your mind at ease around some of the potential health issues? That was actually my plan for #3, but my hospital refused it before 13 weeks as they didn't want to influence terminations (non UK, cannot have one after first trimester).

It's obviously not 100% though, and I would also weigh up the decision for a 3rd with family medical history, particularly ND.

I don’t know much about the NIPT but yes we’d be willing to do that. Though I’ll google it up and read about it, thanks.

I have spoken about this before but when I asked the same question 5 years ago, the overwhelming response was don't do it. Well, I did it! I conceived straightaway at 38 and pregnancy was fine, baby was born when I was 39, very easy and she slotted in wonderfully with her 4 and 7 year old siblings. Yes I was exhausted because of the sleepness nights but our third child is the light of all of our lives and I wouldn't change it for a thing. I always had an ache for a third child which went away when she was born and I am satisfied that our family is complete. We don't have any family support so DH and I need to work as a very tight team. We love having three and adore all the madness and fun!

Ive got a 4yr 2yr and 1yr old. Its hard work but she slotted right in.