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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to have a third child

153 replies

Blossomtreetoken · 08/08/2026 18:50

Currently have 2 children. Ages 5 and 9. Both wonderful and healthy. Had the urge for a third for about 3 years now and I can’t shake it. I feel it’s crunch time, now or never. I’m 33. Husband is 38. Our children are our absolute lives and we are a solid family unit. We both have goods jobs (in our view) and earn about £100k between us (uk).

Am I being unreasonable to go ahead and do it?

This feeling has hung around for years but I’ve never had the courage to go ahead and do it. Mainly because it feels that I am risking our already perfect set up. Also concerned about age gaps.

if anyone can comment with any experience or thoughts that may help us bring this decision to a head and get either indeed try for a third child (am very aware this may not result in a child) or closure and we can move forward. In serious limbo.

OP posts:
Iocanepowder · 09/08/2026 07:59

Maybe for the rest of the summer hols, do what you plan to with the kids, then consider what things would be like if you were doing the same thing but with a young baby or toddler with you all.

Iocanepowder · 09/08/2026 08:00

Also do you have an extra bedroom for another child op and have you looked at car logistics and costs?

JLou08 · 09/08/2026 08:02

I had my 3rd at 34. Other 2 in my early-mid 20s. Pregnancy was harder, labour was harder and I ended up with blood clots. Newborn stage was actually lovely, I went from a very stressful job to maternity leave. The family got closer and the baby could be taken anywhere in the pram so there weren't limits to what I did with the older ones.
Around the age of 2 it became obvious the youngest had autism. We still managed okay until he got to about 3.5. It is now very challenging, it's been hardest for my middle child who struggles when youngest has meltdowns in public and gets in the way of her enjoying days out/holidays. I do feel I've missed out a bit on my older ones teen years. We have still managed to do things and I've had days 1 on 1 with them by DH taking the youngest.
I wouldn't change it now, he has brought a lot of joy to our lives. It's hard to think what I'd have done if I knew the realities of how it would go because he's already here and I wouldn't give him up. I know I'd never have a 4th.

Clearinguptheclutter · 09/08/2026 08:09

What does your dh think

its a very personal decision. I
know some families with 3 and they always wanted 3 and now they are delighted how things have turned out. You’re definitely not too old, I had both my babies in my late 30s.

however for me the practical and financial implications of having 3 were too great. Limited cars that fit three kids comfortably (remember they will all be teenagers eventually), holiday accomodation awkward, they get really expensive when they get older and the cost of living continues to spiral. Can you give them a room each in your house? Ours used to share but since we moved and they have their own rooms we now realise how important that it (for our two anyway). Of course a lot of families manage without sharing rooms however I think it’s a huge advantage for them to have their own as they get older.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 09/08/2026 08:10

I think the age gap is a bit big tbh. They'll always be the spare wheel. From experience, my SIL went for a 3rd at your age after having two of the same sex, and her 3rd is autistic. She's very very difficult to manage and it impacts the other two massively.

Blossomtreetoken · 09/08/2026 08:14

Iocanepowder · 09/08/2026 08:00

Also do you have an extra bedroom for another child op and have you looked at car logistics and costs?

We have enough bedrooms and we think cars are suitable as is but are able to get bigger if needs be.

OP posts:
Blossomtreetoken · 09/08/2026 08:17

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 09/08/2026 08:10

I think the age gap is a bit big tbh. They'll always be the spare wheel. From experience, my SIL went for a 3rd at your age after having two of the same sex, and her 3rd is autistic. She's very very difficult to manage and it impacts the other two massively.

I read your message and my heart sank. I think because you are right. I think this has to be my decision, as sad as I feel, it’s too big a risk to my current children. My current children are mine and my husbands world.

OP posts:
Callmemummynotmaaa · 09/08/2026 08:38

OP we’ve three, and I’d love 4 but won’t for a few reasons…similarly to you, I still could age wise, and in terms of age gap - all of mine are 6 and under (but my youngest is two).

oddly age is one of the things that stops me, currently my kids can still be at a similar stage/enjoying the same day trips, holidays, Sunday parks etc. but for me, it’s not just the gap it’s the span. Already my oldest one, is often the oldest at younger kids things (eg farms), it still works as she’s 6 but she’d be 9 by the time the next one is 1….and maybe it changes again when they can do things independently BUT for example, at the moment she’s asked to go to the cinema - it’s not a venue my youngest could manage. She loves theatre - again, we can only do the toddler type shows. Know these examples are of huge treat things…but they matter to kids.

health wise, my own health wasn’t good in my last pregnancy. Unrelated to age, I had a major hemmorage at birth. Baby was fine but I felt incredibly lucky to get through it with both of us alive…and illness, ability and risk do place a part in my thinking about another. It’s not a risk free choice.

Aware your speaking of the change from two to three - I adore my littlest, but it’s a very different level of chaos from two (hence we’d nearly consider four as hey no, it’s already total mayhem). One frustration for me is how everything is built for smaller families. Day tickets to events are extortionate as a family of five and I often have to say no (as it’s an extra 20-30£ for us). Hotel rooms will rarely allow you in even family two bed suites. The car is tricky to navigate size wise and “gear wise” (eg camping or mobile home holidaying which we love, is easy as a five, but packing the car is a nightmare, and mine always have less sporting and play equipment with us than others as…well, capacity!! Even of bike racks!).

As adults, we get far less couple time and solo parent time. I love to exercise and I’ll admit - it’s fallen by the curb - as the juggle of work and different school routines and childcare settings is…just time absorbing.

I wouldn’t change our set up, but I do think we were a bit naive going into it at the financial expense of a third (but admittedly this is posted when we’re still at peak childcare costs, in a challenging employment market).

The pluses: my oldest and youngest have the nicest relationship, it’s not parental but my older two v close in age and watching their kindness is heartwarming. My youngest is the most stubborn kid, full of engery, thinks he’s 5 and does everything he’s not meant to. Learnt to walk when we lived in a building site at 10 months and has kept that kind of vibe since. It’s a battle to keep him safe as possible but it also makes it great fun (as they’ll all try anything and love adventure). When they are not killing each other it can be great fun.

ojhdddhjs76 · 09/08/2026 08:49

I’m one of those dreaded MNers that puts importance on money and time, so I really strongly believe children should have their own bedrooms, lots of 1:1 time with each parent, I think expensive holidays provide more value than additional siblings etc. These are just my personal feelings and why we stopped at 2, I know not everyone puts value on that, but the one thing I’d add to your situation is how spread out your children are. Having a 10 year old and a baby is going to massively change the dynamic of your family; what you do on weekends, holidays, days out etc. People will say their teens love their babies, I personally think it’s quite unfair and dramatically changes your teens childhood and last few years at home. Also, don’t underestimate how much your teen children still need you, it’s not thinking about how you’ll cope with 10, 6 and baby but 16, 10, 6 etc.

Hands up fully biased stopped at 2, and have only been validated by that choice at every additional parental step so far.

Blossomtreetoken · 09/08/2026 09:10

I think it has to be a no decision, not to do it, as hard as I find that to say based on these comments. They are very helpful comments seeing insights and experiences from others. I wish I could just go for it and see how it turns out but I’m not that kind of person.

OP posts:
HereIfYouNeedMe · 09/08/2026 09:23

It’s really tricky, I have 2 and both are now diagnosed ASD. Look closely at anything that could be inherited from either side to rule out possibilities of ADHD, Autism etc. I couldn’t have a third now as it wouldn’t be fair on the 2 I have to split my time further. There is a real possibility the third child will not be a copy and paste of the 2 you already have. My two couldn’t be more different. ASD doesn’t define either of mine and I’ve been lucky to get early support but my point is if my third child had have been neurodivergent then it would have significantly impacted my other 2 children. There’s lots of other factors to consider, this is just from my experience and POV xx

HereIfYouNeedMe · 09/08/2026 09:26

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 09/08/2026 08:10

I think the age gap is a bit big tbh. They'll always be the spare wheel. From experience, my SIL went for a 3rd at your age after having two of the same sex, and her 3rd is autistic. She's very very difficult to manage and it impacts the other two massively.

I posted before seeing this comment, I’m sorry if my post seems insensitive xx

HalzTangz · 09/08/2026 09:31

My question is, you say you have a yearning for a 3rd child, but you haven't mentioned your husband's thoughts. Does he also want a 3rd child?

MademoisellePraline · 09/08/2026 09:32

We've got 3. Would be more but DH and I met later on in life than would be sensible to risk anyone's health with additional pregnancies.

2 to 3 is a weird jump because without you realising, so much of the world, socially, is set up for 2 adults, 2 children. Family tickets. Family hotel rooms. Seating plans. Car sizes. Going on anything like a theme park ride.

We had to buy a bigger house, bigger car, and our food bill now they are all primary age up, is vast.

However, I love it and wouldn't change it for the world. I love Christmases bustling with lots of sibling fun. I'm pretty much an only child and conscious of the crap parts of that.

If you can afford it, and I mean comfortably afford it, go for it. If it will stretch you, seriously don't do it. No fun for any of them having to ration over 3 kids if you can give 2 a lovely life.

Blossomtreetoken · 09/08/2026 10:13

HalzTangz · 09/08/2026 09:31

My question is, you say you have a yearning for a 3rd child, but you haven't mentioned your husband's thoughts. Does he also want a 3rd child?

Husband happy to have a third. He likes the idea of a larger family.

OP posts:
sittingonabeach · 09/08/2026 10:18

Helpingeveryone · 08/08/2026 20:29

I have 3 children and earn 100k between me and my husband. My 3rd settled straight in and he’s everyone’s baby. My other two (5 and 7) dote on him. I have absolutely no regrets and couldn’t imagine life with only 2 now.
I think you’d regret not having a baby but you’d never regret a baby you had in your arms.

Not having regrets after having another is not a given. Possibly not admitted out loud, and doesn’t mean the latest child isn’t loved, but quite a few parents with hindsight wouldn’t have had the extra child

MerryUmberHedgehog · 09/08/2026 10:20

Does your husband get a say in this decision?

Blossomtreetoken · 09/08/2026 10:23

MerryUmberHedgehog · 09/08/2026 10:20

Does your husband get a say in this decision?

He absolutely does. We’re on the same page.

OP posts:
Whenwillheatwaveend · 09/08/2026 10:25

Babyhood with 3 they do just slot in. I’m finding it more challenging now the baby is a toddler there are 3 sets of opinions, it’s hard to get help etc. holidays and days out are super expensive now we have to pay for 3. But would I change it? Absolutely not. Would I have more? Also no!

Blossomtreetoken · 09/08/2026 10:26

Whenwillheatwaveend · 09/08/2026 10:25

Babyhood with 3 they do just slot in. I’m finding it more challenging now the baby is a toddler there are 3 sets of opinions, it’s hard to get help etc. holidays and days out are super expensive now we have to pay for 3. But would I change it? Absolutely not. Would I have more? Also no!

What ages are your children?

OP posts:
Puffalicious · 09/08/2026 10:29

NoKnit · 08/08/2026 20:22

A friend of mine spent ages considering a third and went for it. Sadly her youngest child is disabled and it has drastically changed the childhoods of the older two.

For me I don't think I could put my older two through something like that. But that is a chance you have to take.

This.

I love my boy so much, but after 14 years it's been so tough. If I had my time over again I wouldn't do it. The other 2 have been affected & I still grieve for the life we should have. I will never have the life my friends do with NT children, & it seems to get harder the older he gets.

Please think very hard about it.

Puffalicious · 09/08/2026 10:30

sittingonabeach · 09/08/2026 10:18

Not having regrets after having another is not a given. Possibly not admitted out loud, and doesn’t mean the latest child isn’t loved, but quite a few parents with hindsight wouldn’t have had the extra child

I agree. I'm one of them. It's not all rainbows.

Blossomtreetoken · 09/08/2026 10:33

Puffalicious · 09/08/2026 10:29

This.

I love my boy so much, but after 14 years it's been so tough. If I had my time over again I wouldn't do it. The other 2 have been affected & I still grieve for the life we should have. I will never have the life my friends do with NT children, & it seems to get harder the older he gets.

Please think very hard about it.

Thank you for sharing this x

OP posts:
cityliving99 · 09/08/2026 10:33

I had 2 daughters and like you, the urge for a 3rd never went away. Life was good and we managed well. Then our 3rd daughter came along and blimey, it changed the dynamics totally. I was exhausted and barely coped for years. Then the teenage years hit and it nearly killed me!
I adore my girls, but 3 is really hard work.
i might add that we lived away from family and my husband went away for work a lot. It might have been different if we had some help.

TaraRhu · 09/08/2026 10:36

They will love having a baby to play with . You are only 33. Likely to get pregnant and have a healthy baby. If you both want it go for it. You have the framework all set up

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