AIBU to have a third child

[Blossomtreetoken]

Currently have 2 children. Ages 5 and 9. Both wonderful and healthy. Had the urge for a third for about 3 years now and I can’t shake it. I feel it’s crunch time, now or never. I’m 33. Husband is 38. Our children are our absolute lives and we are a solid family unit. We both have goods jobs (in our view) and earn about £100k between us (uk).

Am I being unreasonable to go ahead and do it?

This feeling has hung around for years but I’ve never had the courage to go ahead and do it. Mainly because it feels that I am risking our already perfect set up. Also concerned about age gaps.

if anyone can comment with any experience or thoughts that may help us bring this decision to a head and get either indeed try for a third child (am very aware this may not result in a child) or closure and we can move forward. In serious limbo.

I had a third son (he's 37 now!) Best thing I ever did. No regrets at all. Money was a bit tight but I don't believe money is the be all and end all. We had enough money and great fun with three boys. They are still good friends to each other now that they are in their thirties and forties.

Sounds lovely that they’re all so close now. What age gaps between the boys?

They are 45, 43 and 37. They fought like mad as teenagers, well the two oldest did, but they really are good friends now. I was 24, 26 and 33 when I had them. Tbh I had wanted a girl when I had the third but was still just as delighted with my third little boy.

My DH is the middle one of three. Him and elder sibling 3yrs apart then a younger one 7yrs younger than him. He said we had two or four as he hated being the middle child so much, he really does have raging middle child syndrome! And to be fair every set of unhappy NC / low contact siblings I know are from a set of three, make of that what you will!

You earn a decent wage but ours are older teens now, we have a much higher income but still the expense of teens shouldn’t be underestimated. They are constantly eating - the fridge never gets a chance to get down to temp! Driving lessons, car, insurance (we live rurally so this is necessity not luxury unless I continue driving them everywhere at all hours…) Uni - accommodation, tuition fees, etc is many thousands, house deposits, and on and on. I’m very glad we went for two not four!

I could not shake the desire for a third. My husband was a bit on the fence - happy to have another, happy to be done with 2 (same sex DC). Went ahead and had the third and we cannot imagine life without them (opposite sex to older 2). Like properly completed our family. By the time DC3 was born the elder 2 were 6 and almost 7. DC3 slotted in on school runs, was loved my the older 2’s school friends, passed around amongst parents at play dates. And to this day, DC14 and DC19 are incredibly close.

You just can’t how it will all play out; we know we’re very fortunate to have healthy DC, funds to afford a nice life, etc.

Sometimes I feel a bit for my 3rd having less opportunities to do the younger child activities as the older 2 are too old for them and the age gaps are much closer. I have less energy and time for 1:1 time and it is fairly chaotic which isn’t ideal for my eldest or husband who like calm and routine. Still wouldn’t change anything but 2nd and 3rd are 3 years apart so not the same dynamic as you. Had 2nd at 33 and third at 36. Don’t think your age is a concern.

We earn the same as you between us and we don’t feel we earn enough to have a third. The whole rhythm of our lives and what we can give our two existing children would change. Now and in the future.

i would have liked a third but we’d need more money and time than we currently have. The

Thanks everyone. Reading everyone’s comments and finding all so useful. I feel the overriding answer is no (Don’t do it) on here. In my head, I think sticking with 2 seems the best thing to do. My heart disagrees but as a risk averse person, following my head seems the more sensible approach. I have regret that I didn’t do it sooner when my youngest was 3 but I just need to live with that and enjoy my precious children.

You already have children aged 5 and 9. By the time you get pregnant and give birth your kids could be 11 and 7. The 7 year old could want to do more activities like sports ect in the evenings and at weekends. The 11 year old could be getting ready for or going into secondary school.
In secondary school they have more homework and projects. Along with this secondary school they have puberty, making and losing friends, exams ect.

I know a lady who had her 4th child when her other kids were 10,8 and 6.
Now 10 years later I can see the impact that this had on her, her husband and the other kid's. She now has a 17, 15, 13 and 7 year old.

She is trying to deal with 4 kids of different ages, abilities and interests.
Then she is dealing with kids that have different wants and needs. Then the older kids have no interest in going to the things the youngest child likes.
Her older kids are into sports and a lot of evenings and weekends are spent bringing them to practice and games. She's had to miss certain things because she had no one to mind her youngest child.

Certain things happened with some of the older kids and they required more individual time and support and money spent dealing with these.
Then she was trying to get the youngest child minded because her other kids needed her individual time.

She said every holiday is for 2 adults and 2 kid's.

She went back to work PT about 18 months ago but her expense have just gotten so high in the past few years with food, clothes, school uniforms, shoes, runners and sports gear. She also has university costs looming.

I honestly think if she knew how expensive things were going to get and what was going to happen over the past few years she would not have had a 4th child. I think it not just about now but you have to think long term when having kid's as you want to give them the best life possible.

Just be aware that it’s not just the options of child or no child. Your third child could have additional needs… are you able to cope with that?

Very much on my mind. I would have to cope but I don’t think I’d cope well.

Go for it!

Like you, I always wanted another one and never felt quite done after my first two (boys). I didn't get rid of any of my baby stuff as I guess I just thought our family wasn't complete.

I had our third (a girl!) at 38 and her brothers were 7 and 8. The age gap has made things easier in some ways as I never had three toddlers at once but I do sometimes feel sorry for my daughter as the boys are close in age and she is a bit like an only child. But I'm so glad we went for a third!

Good luck with what you decide.

Ive got 3 and in a two bed. Dont always need an extra room

We have a 4 bed, so as long as not multiple, would have own room.

That is something that would be important to me personally as a parent though and may be important for the op. It’s a valid question.

My dad earned about £90K back in the 90s (so probably £100K+ equivalent in 2026) and my mum didn’t work full time again until I was about 7 years old.

My SIL has a joint household income of ~£60K and has three children who are 10, 8 and 2. They’re lovely, sweet children but at this stage it’s her and her husband struggling as parents and worrying about money. She has a 3 bed house with two sharing a bedroom and she struggles financially, but it’s because she wants to do it all despite the third baby being a change in lifestyle choice. She would LOVE to do a summer holiday each year, centre parcs in Easter/October and give the kids all the mod cons kids have these days (tablets, smart watches, UGGS) which she could rarely afford with two children and simply can’t with 3. It’s so expensive to have children these days you have to cut your cloth somewhere unless you’re both higher earners.

I think if you’re a happy home bird and don’t mind eating in all the time, having movie nights at home (not the cinema), enjoying doing a lot of outdoor play/creative things with your kids (painting pictures, salt dough, bracelet making, baking - not a £20ph trampoline park etc) and doing a lot of home cooking/lunches/picnics yourself, with holidays abroad every other year (or possibly uk camping holidays or self catering), then 3-4 children are a great idea and very fulfilling if that’s what fulfils you most. I think it’s silly if you plan a third child and don’t consider the
financial implications on you and your existing children. Only a couple knows what they are happy to accept with lifestyle/savings wise.

I can’t comment on the parenting side of things as I don’t have three children but all I will say is that I absolutely love being one of three as an adult. I have a good relationship with both my siblings as do they with each other and it’s nice to hang out as a little group - or in pairs and talk about the other one 🤣

We are all 28-36 now. Growing up my earned over £100k but money was not in abundance as my mum just worked part time as a teaching assistant (to be around for us) and they had a large mortgage to be able to give us a proper family home with a room each. We did nice things though and went on holidays most years (mixture of abroad and home self catering). We were also all pretty easy kids which definitely makes a difference.

And its okay for kids to share. Both things are valid.

The friend of a friend was desperate to try for a girl after having three sons - and ended up with naturally-conceived triplets, all boys! Be careful what you wish for...
I have three, with a 5 yr age gap between the oldest and youngest. Their father left us when the youngest was 2. I had no family nearby or anyone to help, so had to get on with it myself. One lesson learned: you can't take three under-8s to a swimming pool, and going to the cinema was tricky due to classifications (no streaming back then). Would I change my decision? Absolutely not, and I was nearly 40 when I had my third.

We had a third, was a bit of a Covid surprise baby, oldest was nearly 6 when the baby arrived, but was and is super helpful. Very different situation from when there was a toddler and a newborn! In general I think the older siblings have learnt some useful things about nurturing and taking care of someone (a sibling). I was 36, low risk pregnancy and home birth. He has definitely completed our family and the 3 are very close and play together. Youngest is at an annoying age (4!) but the others learn about tolerance too 😂

Had my third at the age of 38. Older siblings were 10 and 8. Best thing we ever did. The older siblings love their younger sibling and our family felt so complete. We never found it limited activities, holidays or days out and now the older two are adults they love having the youngest for a night (or even a weekend) if we go out. My favourite moments are when everyone is home, and they are all laughing and having fun.

The only issue was that I found the pregnancy physically difficult with hyperemesis and severe spd but this was temporary.

I have three, two adults and one almost now and I'd say go for it.

Yes it is expensive to do things but if you can afford it and manage your time well then there's no reason not to, loads of people have three plus kids and manage fine.

I haven't regretted him for a single minute.

Out of interest I ran your dad’s 1990s’ salary through an inflation calculator to see how close you were with your guess - £90,000 in 1995 would actually be the equivalent of £190,666 today! Crazy…

Haven’t read tft but if you want to do something about earth’s resources you’d leave it at two.

I know the odds are against but twins are always a possibility! I had my twins first and a singleton (planned) four years later. My GP offered a very early scan I was so panicked about it being twins again.
A neighbour had two girls, wanted a third and had twin boys. They managed but it was very tough - strategically rather than financially.
Another acquaintance had a three year old then had naturally conceived triplets…. but that’s almost definitely off the cards!