AIBU to have a third child

[Blossomtreetoken]

Currently have 2 children. Ages 5 and 9. Both wonderful and healthy. Had the urge for a third for about 3 years now and I can’t shake it. I feel it’s crunch time, now or never. I’m 33. Husband is 38. Our children are our absolute lives and we are a solid family unit. We both have goods jobs (in our view) and earn about £100k between us (uk).

Am I being unreasonable to go ahead and do it?

This feeling has hung around for years but I’ve never had the courage to go ahead and do it. Mainly because it feels that I am risking our already perfect set up. Also concerned about age gaps.

if anyone can comment with any experience or thoughts that may help us bring this decision to a head and get either indeed try for a third child (am very aware this may not result in a child) or closure and we can move forward. In serious limbo.

I don't think how it worked out for others should influence your decision, every family is different and every human is unique so there's no way of knowing how having a 3rd baby would affect your current family set up.

Given your current no seems to be based more on the age gap than an additional human, would you consider fostering or adopting an older child rather than a newborn?

My husband has actually suggested us looking into this on several occasions.

I like how you’ve mentioned not basing our decision off others experiences and I think that is important to do however, I do value what people say as there seems to be trends of people’s experience which would increase the likelihood of us having a similar experience.

May I ask what made you have a 7/8 year gap and then reopen it up? No judgement. I feel I did settle on 2 until my youngest was around 3 and then I’ve felt this way for the last 2 years.

I feel for the “shall we have a third”
people. It’s a no brainer to have 2 but 3 seems to be pushing it. The risk is you either get a slot in “completes our family” angel child or a nightmare that then ruins 4 lives and your older kids will resent you. And if the latter you will always feel “we didn’t need to do this”.

I’m with you on this to be honest.

I wonder if we read a similar post about the possibility of a second child, if we would have similar comments.

Finances. We were not in a good financial situation after my second child thanks to my husband's business going bust in the recession. I ended up retraining and going to uni. I am glad it worked out the way it did though.

I always wanted three, I'd have felt incomplete with just two though I had accepted that it might have to be that way due to money.

Wouldn't that be the case for any number of children apart from one?

Most people I know us included were clear we wanted 2 so no dilemma there. We are older though and know now many couples stick at 1.

I think this sums it up. Your age gaps aren't bad OP. However if you and your DH want another you are young but I would start trying this year.

One of the best things I ever did was to have a third. It's changed the dynamics of the family for the better, and I'm a better and more relaxed parent. I don't find it significantly more work than having 2 children - the most difficult adjustment for me was definitely from one to two. That was really hard!
I was 37 and the two older siblings were 6 and 4.

I'd vote to go for it! Your other two are school age now so you will be able to have lots of time for the baby. I definitely feel that our third completes our family. Have never regretted having him for a second, if anything he adds a lot more fun to our house. Good luck with what ever you choose to do x

2 children here - 15 years and 8 months old! I'm 36. Partner and I earn 120k between us.

Don't worry about the age gap, it's negligible. If anything your elder child/children will likely adore the baby. Go with your gut - it may or may not happen anyway! Try and take a philosophical approach.

I would love another baby in the next year or two, but if I have another then I'd like to be pregnant before 40, or I will stop trying. Purely because I know I won't have the energy by then! - I've got just enough now! 😆

@Blossomtreetoken for me the age gap is too big. Also there is a possibility of let's just give it a go and have twins. I couldn't t go back tobyhr baby toddler stage and start all over again.

33 is no age to worry about another child to worry about implications after 2 but yes, as with any, you don't know what will happen.

I'm an older parent who was blessed with one and would have loved another, so all perspective 💖

My Mum eventually had 3 of us, first at age 29 and last age 35 and boy am I so glad I got a little sister! This was the 1970s so considered older at the time but not at all now. Xx

I love my 3rd baby very very much, but everything has been so much harder, the juggle, being outnumbered, the balance between the three children. Holidays for 5 and hotels for 5 are difficult to find to. As pp said just go in with eyes wide open, all the best in whatever you decide ☺️

Love having my 3, closer in age 41/2 years eldest-youngest. Had my 3rd at 37 and if I was your age I’d have considered a 4th 🤩

It’s such a hard decision I know! I’m from a family of three kids and always knew I’d probably want that many. My first was a difficult baby, second was as easy - I think that definitely influenced my decision to go for it unlike if it had been the other way at around. Age gap between 2nd and 3rd was 3.5 years - 3rd was a dream baby and is a lovely happy child. It has had a big financial impact (not much when younger but now they are all older plus cost of living hitting hard). I was 39 when he was born - don’t think at 33-35 I’d be worried about health issues. I know these days having a 3rd feels like pushing your luck but i know a number of people who have 4 so it’s all relative. 2 didn’t feel like I was finished - 3 immediately did.

I went for the third child, and he's still a baby (9 months) but I absolutely don't regret it. I really do feel like our family is complete now, in a way I never did before he was born. I'm coming up to the end of maternity leave and it's been a really happy time for me.

I was 39 when he was born, and it was my most straightforward pregnancy and easiest birth to recover from. My midwife said at booking in that any increased risks from my age (or BMI as I didn't really lose the baby weight after #2) were offset by the fact I'd already had two healthy pregnancies.

My older two are 6 and 4, and I've found the slightly bigger age gap between DC2 and DC3 has made having a baby much easier. When DC2 was a baby, I was breastfeeding round the clock plus trying to toilet train a wayward 2 year old. With DC3, the older two can and do play with each other in their room or in the garden while I look after the baby.

They have both been in school/preschool during my maternity leave, so I've had plenty of time to bond/nap/go to baby groups/bf in front of Netflix during the day. DC2 starts school in September, so I'm only going to be paying for one lot of childcare after mat leave ends.

It does mean I'm going to have at least one child in primary school for at least 13 years, and then the same in secondary school though. Some people might hate that thought!

Op, my income alone is 170k. Husband is on 230k (Both work for global corporations) ones we all use daily:) however we only have the one child. I found the pregnancy journey stressful, but when she actually arrived I found the first year really hard. Wondering if she was hitting her miles stones etc, then toddlerhood came and then worried about unwanted (common behaviours)
that was just one aspect of opting for one, the other was the quality of life we wanted to give. She was born at a private hospital, well my entire maternity care was private, she still sees a private paediatrician every 6 months for vaccinations etc, I could afford to stay home with her until she went to school (she is at a private school), she has some expensive hobbies, her horse probably the most expensive! She will not have student debt when it comes to university, as she has her tution fees already etc. now she doesn’t need/have to have any of these things but it will make her life just a little easier (especially when her dad and I are no longer around) so it’s that quality of life that shaped our decision. It sounds like you have a great arrangement with your 2 kids. Would adding a third just mean less for them as adults?

I had my 3rd at 36 and my 4th and 5th in my 40s. 4 and 5 are now strapping healthy 6ft2 athletes! 1 and 2 were 6 and 9 when 3 was born. Current ages 31, 28, 22, 18, 16. Can't imagine being without any of them. Do what makes your family happy. That your 1 and 2 are "older" makes it easier than 3 close in age in terms of how physically hands on you need to be. In your case not so hands on with the older ones. You won't have 3 infants to juggle. Your 9yo will be able to feel quite grown up, "helping" fetch wipes, etc.

Our lives are perfect with three children, I am so so glad we had our surprise third, he really completed our family, and in terms of day to day lives it isn’t much more hectic in all honesty BUT financially it’s noticeable. We have a decent 6 figure income household and we can afford them and be comfortable, but everything is geared at families of four so we are forever buying that extra holiday place, extra ticket.

Also, cars are much more expensive as to fit three car seats in you need a larger car.

Again, houses. Of course it isn’t the end of the world for children to share rooms but I had to share growing up and it made me completely miserable so it isn’t something I every wanted for my own children but there is a massive premium on four bedroom properties.

What! 33 is young! i had my 3rd child at 44. Now that is definitely too old. My husband and I spent the year before talking non stop about a 3rd. So decided to leave it to the gods and stopped using protection. I got pregnant and then miscarried. So we said well that's it. Well stay with 2. A month later i got pregnant again and he did not miscarry.
God knows our lives would be sooooooooooooooooooooo much simpler and easier, and therefore probably happier? Maybe? But gosh darn it, he is the most beautiful soul, and makes the hard parts definitely harder. But the sweet parts so so much more sweeter.
It feels right to have 3 now.
Its like that Northern poet guy says about cups of tea.
"one cup is not enough but two cups is one too many".
Apply that to the 3rd kid ratio, and you'll know if you're a urrrr on the side of caution or push things to their fullest person.

Thanks everyone for your helpful comments. I still feel undecided unfortunately. I think I am focusing on getting clarity in my mind over the course of this week. I am thinking we will lean towards not doing it though however, I keep getting pangs on wanting to do it. Difficult decision.

Personally I wouldn't want to go back to the start but everyone is different.

I have a sister 10 years older than me and we've never had anything in common, we live within 10 minutes of each other and I don't think we've ever been in each others houses in last 20 years 😆. No animosity just like total strangers. We only bump into each other at our parents house, probably seen her once in last 2 years and suspect we'll never really be in contact again once our parents are away.