AIBU to hesitate about daughter, boyfriend and baby moving in?

[DannyOD]

Okay - so this will be long so strap in.

My two DD’s (26 and 22) live with me and DH. They have never particularly got on and Dd2 dislikes Dd1’s boyfriend intensely. For reference Dd2 has AuDHD and finds him too loud and in your face. He also cheated on Dd1 6 years ago which she has forgiven but Dd2 hasn’t.

Dd1 has just announced that she is pregnant. She wants to move her BF in and live with us when the baby is born. DD2 is adamant that this cannot happen as she says there is not enough room (we can do it with a bit of shuffling about - there is more room at his parents house) and that she couldn’t bear to live with him and a baby and if we go ahead she will move out and live with my elderly Mum. She is spiralling a bit anyway as she has finished her Uni course this year and finds change really challenging.

I just don’t know what to do. I would love to have the baby here and help Dd1 but this is Dd2’s home too and I need to take her feelings into account too.

Do they both work, OP? Does the lazy BF have a job good enough to support his child?

I ask because if not, you're likely to be stuck with him under your roof for a LONG time.

Why is that such a shocking thing to say? It’s pretty clear that the OP’s daughter having a baby is nothing to celebrate at this point in time

Do a list and mull it over -

Do they both work, do YOU work? The answer will have an impact on childcare both from them and from you (which you seem keen on I think).

Will they be able to contribute financially to the household?

Are they willing to help out and keep things kind of organised, as much as is possible with a newborn!

Are they saving to get their own place? If so, can you financially assist them to do this - it would help in the long run.

Have you asked them, or do you know why they are not moving into his parent's house which has much more room it seems? The reasons for this are important as it will show how willing they are to blend and go with the flow.

How do you get on with the BF generally? Translate that into 24/7, a pregnant daughter, and a soon to be born child in a small house.

Finally and most importantly IMV, consider yourself and your ND daughter. You may be helping one party out, but might lose another.

It's a tough decision and I am not going to say do this, do that. But do think it over carefully and then decide. You will probably lose your DD2, as she will move out asap I think if they move in.

Yes. I dont really understand statements like:
I can't tell her what to do with her body. I can't tell her when to have a baby. I can't tell who her to date.
If I am supporting and housing my kids and their families, I jolly well will!

I understanding you wanting to help your DD but she's a grown adult. She needs to find her own place with the bf.

He will never step up if he moves in. He may not step up anyway but they both need to provide for their child.

It's so easy to make these assumptions that the 3 of them are your responsibility. They are not.

One of my DSs gfs years thought it was entirely reasonable she move in with us and was very excited to buy stuff for their "home". No.

She has to deal with the consequences then if she wants to keep the baby.

Nothing wow about it. Contraception is widely available, if she is adult enough to choose to have a baby she's adult enough to sort out her living with her boyfriend themselves

The whole thing is bizarre these are adults, why are they all still living with you with no plans to move out?! Oldest DD and boyfriend need to buy their own house and if they can’t they should be concentrating on that and building a secure stable future BEFORE having a baby when they have no home of their own! Madness this is how people end up renting all their lives and complaining about renters issues. I’m speaking from experience here, I was fortunate enough to stay at home until I was also 25 because I was saving for a mortgage deposit, my now DH and I then bought our first house at 25 before we got married or had our kids. I’m in my 30s this wasn’t decades ago when houses were cheap either!

What's the issue with them getting their own place?

Do they both have jobs? Have they managed to save anything given they're both living at home?

I think perhaps focus on helping them be independent.

Perhaps agree to a 6 month plan. Your DD2 lives with her gran and you let them move in but only if both are working and then charge them rent each month which you put aside as a rental deposit.

If they were both ten years younger, I’d understand, and sympathise.
But 26 is not young by any measure, yet both of them, still living like teenagers, think bringing a child into their situation is a good idea, and all supported by OP, to boot.
I think we need far fewer feckless and entitled parents such as these.

I o p is clearly delighted with the setup that her daughter is having a baby and will do so under her roof she will allow the boyfriend to move in.Her younger daughter will move to her grandmothers and probably have a much calmer life.

Don't know why she posted to be honest.She just makes excuses for the elder daughter.

So she supports them financially for 6 months and gives them a deposit for a home? How is that independence?

Op has a husband who presumably also owns the house and should have a say.

Also to add that regardless of lawful ownership, a good parent will also consider the feelings of other children (albeit a young adult in this case) living in the home in addition to their own views.

100% this. Letting them live with you will be an absolute road to disaster. You know this.

This way you can support your daughter and the baby without having the questionable boyfriend living with you. If your daughter can’t accept this generous offer then she must find another option.

Stay strong.

"tie yourself" - I mean it's part of being family. I'm married with kids. The ber minimum cost to get married is £127. In the grand scheme of raising a baby it's absolutely nothing.

He clearly can’t move in. It would be a disaster and would defo look to DD2 that you favour her sister over her. Up to you if you agree to DD1 staying with a baby, but it’s a rod for your own back going forward. They live with his parents, find somewhere else together or continue to live separately, seem to be the options. If she’s defo having the baby, it is indeed her decision, but also her (and his) responsibility to deal with.

I think OP wants to look after this baby (for whatever reasons of her own) and that will trump everything.

If op "loses" dd2 - to go to live an independent life - then that's the best thing that could happen to dd2.

I think maybe a parent's most important job is to help your child become independent. It's what "raising" a child means, it's in my view the whole point of teaching them to walk, talk, read, learn etc...it's helping them on the road to independence.

So I hope for dd2's sake that op does "lose" her.

They cant afford to get married yet she thought getting pregnant was a great idea?

The problem with having the dd and baby to live with her but not the bf is that then the bf will never get the chance to try and step up, get to know and care for his baby and that key bonding window for dad and baby will be lost.

Support means different things at different life stages. At this stage, I would say it means helping them to establish themselves independently as a household and family unit.

If the dd really can't be independent, does social care need to be involved?

Its teaching them that they have the means to save whilst giving them a 6 month trial living together along with a get out clause if the daughter then realises he is a work shy git.

I got the impression OP is the dad?

In any case just going back to the comment that she was told she couldnt have children and therefore it seems to be a reason to have an unplanned child, erm not. Theres no rule you MUST have a child just because you were once told you cant. If she is not too late for a termination it is an option because she is not set up to bring a child into the world.

And if she had been planning to try for a baby as other posters have said, well has she been planning for the deposit to rent a place of her own? Where is that planning?

@BakedPotatoBeansCheeseColeslaw
if you can’t comprehend why you shouldn’t tell someone they ought to abort a baby that’s on you dear

Oh for gods sake!!!!

'Social care' arent there to counsel and take on the entitled, lazy, feckless of the country who are hanging onto their parents coat tails at nearly 30.

They're there to pick up safeguarding matters if a child is at risk.

Incredibly unfair to DD2 with AuDHD who will very likely not cope with a screaming baby in the house. You should prioritise DD2 given her condition plus being younger, and tell DD1 she and baby cannot live with you. DEFINITELY no to the BF moving in. You've already said there's more room at his parents, so if they cannot get their own place they need to go there.

Forcing DD2 out of her own home for DD1's bf and baby could ruin DD2 relationship with you and make her really resent her sister.