AIBU to hesitate about daughter, boyfriend and baby moving in?

[DannyOD]

Okay - so this will be long so strap in.

My two DD’s (26 and 22) live with me and DH. They have never particularly got on and Dd2 dislikes Dd1’s boyfriend intensely. For reference Dd2 has AuDHD and finds him too loud and in your face. He also cheated on Dd1 6 years ago which she has forgiven but Dd2 hasn’t.

Dd1 has just announced that she is pregnant. She wants to move her BF in and live with us when the baby is born. DD2 is adamant that this cannot happen as she says there is not enough room (we can do it with a bit of shuffling about - there is more room at his parents house) and that she couldn’t bear to live with him and a baby and if we go ahead she will move out and live with my elderly Mum. She is spiralling a bit anyway as she has finished her Uni course this year and finds change really challenging.

I just don’t know what to do. I would love to have the baby here and help Dd1 but this is Dd2’s home too and I need to take her feelings into account too.

For some mothers that is theit ultimate goal for their daughters, the world is gping backwards

OP, if he moves in it will be less than 6 months before it feels like you are living in their house.

Jeez, don’t do it, @DannyOD bloody awful idea. He sounds like a total loser and why at their age are they both still living at home?! I know the south east is expensive if that’s where you are, but surely (please god!) they’re both employed? So can just rent something?

She's adult enough to have a baby, she's adult enough to stand on own two feet and get a place with her BF

You can support by helping them look, buying a pram or a cot, encouraging them to be responsible parents and make a go of things.

Moving the BF in doesn't help anyone.

The problem is that three nights a week will eventually turn into five night a week before you know it he is living there full time

They need to find their own place. As another poster said, OP’s dd is 26 not 16.

What does your husband want? Does he get a vote? You've only referenced what you want but a newborn in the house will have a huge effect on everyone

This. It sounds harsh when said like that, but the BF isn't going to shoulder any responsibility if you're there to do it for him, and DD1 will go along with it because it's easier to make your and DD2's lives more uncomfortable than her own. You'll tell yourself you're just helping while the baby is small, she's tired etc, but you'll end up the child's primary carer, with 3 adult children. It's not fair on DD2 to be pushed out of her own home because her sister wants to move in an insensitive oaf she can't stand.
You don't have to refuse to help your daughter, but don't let the boyfriend move in. They are being selfish.

Absolutely this, she needs to get accommodation first

Children should be planned ideally. Yes we all know it doesnt always work like that but what a mess to bring a child into a situation where essentially it has no home.

He's her current partner, she presumably loves him and they are going to have children together?

Yep. Everybody I know has an unwanted BF staying with them.
My DD lives with me because of London rents even for houseshares, but I don,xt allow boyfriends

If I was in that situation I’d take my daughter back but the boyfriend could stay with his parents and visit. They’re setting themselves up as a family without the means to do so. Before you know it they’ll be with you for years with 2 babies and waiting for you to throw them out so they can get housing.
If they’re old enough to have a baby they’re old enough to house the baby. What’s wrong with where they are living at the moment?

It doesn't matter what the boyfriend thinks of Dd2. It doesn't go both ways. Dd2 already lives there and he WANTS move in. I think the onus is on him to not make a bad situation worse.

Good point form the poster who said it's not the 1950s, they don't have to live together.

You can love someone and have a baby together and not legally tie yourself to them. What if they can't afford to get married? What if they just don't want to?

If she wants to live with him she will need to do that independently. Moving a boyfriend into your parents home isn’t on. Especially a lazy one that the rest of the household doesn’t like.

It would be a firm No from me.

How can someone not afford to get married? It costs a few hundred pounds to get married at a register's office. If they can't afford that, they really can't afford a baby.

EDIT: Not that I'm saying she SHOULD marry him. He sounds a bit of a knob.

Very cheap to get married. You don’t have to have a wedding.

Most people view having a child with someone as a commitment - not sure why it should be such a leap to think it is sensible to solidify that commitment.

The Ops dd sounds like she is going to be one of those women stuck in low paid work, unable to afford childcare, relying on the state while her bf runs about scott free visiting her when he feels like it and owing her nothing but CM. The least he could do is put his money where his mouth is and marry her.

Why would having a baby entitle them to get a house ? Are they not capable of housing themselves?

Let her stay with the baby until they get their own place but dont let the bf move in, he has his parents house so he isn't homeless. My adult dc lived at home for an extended period while they saved for their own places and I was happy with that, but I drew the line at dps moving in.

God no. They’ll never leave..and you’ll drive your other daughter away. The boyfriend sounds a nightmare but I also wondering why you’re thinking of enabling this…

yup. cuckooing by degrees

I'm with you there, Danny, but they really must get their own place. The best way to help them is to encourage that and be on hand practically.

Honestly I'd be surprised if the boyfriend wnted to start a family while living with parents, you or his.

Nah, what's his incentive to grow up, work hard and raise a child if he gets to move in and live with you guys?

Sure, support your dd, but don't end up supporting a full grown adult man as well.

I can't see it working and I speak from experience of having GC living with us.

A baby in the house will have a massive impact on everyone in the house. Especially as you say you will have to do some jiggling round with space.

It will only work if you other daughter is on board imo or life all together will become unbearable.
You don't say why they are suggesting to olive with you but maybe I have missed that. If it's to save again you all have to be supportive of that.

I think at 26 your DD should be responsible for finding her own accommodation. My situation was rather different. My DS was 19.

You need to have a serious conversation with both DD's and work out a way forward.

Investigate further the possibility of staying with the BF family too.

X

Good grief

Do NOT let the boyfriend move in. He can stay where he is.

This is not going to end well.

Your oldest already lives with you, not independently and she's having a baby she and her boyfriend can't afford. Your younger daughter will move to her grandmother's if you let bf move in.

If your oldest wants to live with bf so badly, why aren't they moving to their own place? Or his parents, that you say is bigger?

I do find him irritating and lazy. I am hoping he will step up now.

Hope is not a plan. He's not going to change, it will just be more work for you and drive your youngest away.

You'll lose your youngest to enable your oldest and her bf and that really sucks.