AIBU to hesitate about daughter, boyfriend and baby moving in?

[DannyOD]

Okay - so this will be long so strap in.

My two DD’s (26 and 22) live with me and DH. They have never particularly got on and Dd2 dislikes Dd1’s boyfriend intensely. For reference Dd2 has AuDHD and finds him too loud and in your face. He also cheated on Dd1 6 years ago which she has forgiven but Dd2 hasn’t.

Dd1 has just announced that she is pregnant. She wants to move her BF in and live with us when the baby is born. DD2 is adamant that this cannot happen as she says there is not enough room (we can do it with a bit of shuffling about - there is more room at his parents house) and that she couldn’t bear to live with him and a baby and if we go ahead she will move out and live with my elderly Mum. She is spiralling a bit anyway as she has finished her Uni course this year and finds change really challenging.

I just don’t know what to do. I would love to have the baby here and help Dd1 but this is Dd2’s home too and I need to take her feelings into account too.

It's OP being bank of mummy.

It's not teaching them anything other than mummy will support them for nothing.

They're both adults, if OP hasn't succeeded in teaching money management to her dd by 26, she's not going to.

In the past, when a friend got pregnant when still living with her mum, she became priority for housing-is this not the case now? Or is it really a stark choice between you/his parents? Because in most cases, it's better for adults to live independently. I know with the economic climate, a lot of over 18s still with their parents, but it seems very hard on you having 3 adults and a baby there.
Unless of course you all want that, say if you're going to be babysitting while they work, but that's your choice. It's what you are happy with that counts.

Bank of mummy?

The OP takes rent off them each week, takes what she needs to cover extra bills/food and the puts the rest aside for them.

It doesn't cost the OP a penny and is an effective method of helping save.

The daughter then gets used to having to hand over money and not spend it.

She is 26, I expect that he is about the same age. Sounds as though both of them live with their respective parents so have had both the time and opportunity to save.

As others have said if you decide you have the wherewithal to have a baby then you could just as well have sorted out a place to live.

Don’t let him move in OP. They will never leave and will pop out another one sure as fertile eggs is eggs. It also sounds as though the other one has got her eye on muscling in on her grandmothers house.

What a pair!

"Hope is not a plan"
Absolutely this....and you know the other one "Fail to plan; Plan to fail"

Older daughter is unreasonable to get pregnant with no plan for how her and the father are going to live and raise the child beyond 'my parents house'.
Younger daughter is unreasonable to believe she should be in charge of living arrangements when she's also an adult who's still adult living off her parents.
Both are grown women who ought to be at least starting out on living independently.

What is their plan if you were to refuse to house them?

Agree. There's some advice on this thread that would be terrible for your relationships. "Yes darling, grandma said I should abort you."

Or she could treat them like the adults they are and expect them to save off their own bat.

If she needs rent off them, that's her money. If she doesn't need rent off them, let them take responsibility for saving.

Taking "rent" to give back to them as a deposit is patronising . If you're going to give them a deposit, just bloody give it and cut out the 6 months pissing about.

Some relationships maybe
In our family we think abortion is better than having a baby you can't support. We are all agreed on that.

If I were in your shoes, I’d be hesitant too.

But I have questions…
Why, at 26, is DD1 living at home with you?
Why, after six years with her BF, are they not living together?
Where does BF live?
Why can’t they get a place together?
Why would you even consider an arrangement that would drive your other daughter away and no doubt cause resentment?

Why is neither daughter in a position to move out?

He's not likely to step up. Don't know many men who would choose to raise a family with the in laws, other than to save for a mortgage deposit etc.
You clearly love your daughter's but I think you're making it too easy for your pregnant daughter... And setting yourself up for misery when you see how lazy he might be as a dad. But hey, maybe it'll all work out nicely and you will be one, big happy family. Except for DD2...

I'd say no, OP. Time to stand on their own feet with support, if needs be.

DD1 can probably move out if she and her boyfriend sort out their finances and find a small place to rent . DD2 is much younger, ND and presumably on her own. I would prioritise her needs.

The messes people get themselves into… DD2 sounds like she has the most sense of anyone. The lazy guy who cheated on her isn’t going to be a great dad is he? They can’t afford to have a baby either. I don’t see why any of this is your responsibility, they’re not children anymore. She needs to find her own place.

Agreed and in many countries its something that will happen as a matter of course rather than the handwringing seen here

Only an idiot would disclose to a child that the conversation went like that prior to their birth anyway, why would tell a child that?

Clearly op's daughter wants the baby so that's not something op should mention.

DD2 is also an adult. Not her house so she shouldn't be dictating to her mother. I wonder if DD1 has spent years accommodating DD2s needs. Maybe it's time for DD2 to accept the world doesn't revolve round her.

Do you get on with your daughters in laws?

It sounds like a meeting is needed of both families - look at how far you are prepared to support them and what would be best for everyone.

You can look at the ideal - them moving out at least within a year of the baby being born?

Between you and his paretns could you support them to look at renting/ get a deposit/ensure he has a job etc.

If you helped with first steps could he pay the rent?

I don't think it sounds ideal them being with you that is for sure.

By the way - anyone commenting 'she shouldn't be having a baby' is vile and should go away. When someone needs practical advice, moralising is not helpful

Agree.
But then I don't think suggesting abortion to your kids is vile and I have suggested it to my DD when she had a scare.
Sorry, I won't go away.
The only practical advice is to give yet more financial support to the DD and her feckless BF.

Does the boyfriend currently live with his parents?
You mention there is more room at his parents' house.
is there any possibility of your daughter moving there?

That sounds like actual hell on earth. Why is she having a baby if she has nowhere to live? She’s old enough to know better and it’s a recipe for disaster. .

Not sure why people keep asking this on threads ? There is little council housing and private rents are extortionate. My ds who is the same age as op's dd and his gf are paying £1500 a month private rent. Mnay private landlords are selling up .Op's other dd has just graduated and like thousands of graduates may not have a job or be very limited in what they can get. And then people think they should just be moving out of home as if it's that easy ! Whilst I struggle to understand why any young person would get pregnant whilst still living at home ( maybe unplanned ? ) I can't see how moving out is that easy either.

This - exactly this

Oh christ, please don't move in this gobshite. You don't like him, your other daughter doesn't and you probably know he'll be a shit dad. Why would you inflict this on your younger child ffs.

Dd1 and boyf have decided to start a family- let them grow up and find a flat to rent.