AIBU to hesitate about daughter, boyfriend and baby moving in?

[DannyOD]

Okay - so this will be long so strap in.

My two DD’s (26 and 22) live with me and DH. They have never particularly got on and Dd2 dislikes Dd1’s boyfriend intensely. For reference Dd2 has AuDHD and finds him too loud and in your face. He also cheated on Dd1 6 years ago which she has forgiven but Dd2 hasn’t.

Dd1 has just announced that she is pregnant. She wants to move her BF in and live with us when the baby is born. DD2 is adamant that this cannot happen as she says there is not enough room (we can do it with a bit of shuffling about - there is more room at his parents house) and that she couldn’t bear to live with him and a baby and if we go ahead she will move out and live with my elderly Mum. She is spiralling a bit anyway as she has finished her Uni course this year and finds change really challenging.

I just don’t know what to do. I would love to have the baby here and help Dd1 but this is Dd2’s home too and I need to take her feelings into account too.

Absolutely not, the boyfriend sounds like a dick tbh.

They all need to move out 🤷‍♀️

What a shit show this has the potential to be. I assume it’s just you and your two daughters living at home currently? If I were your other daughter I would also be trying to leave, as it’s obvious once they are all living as a family including the boyfriend, everything will evolve around them.

I know we need to get much more used to extended family living together now housing is so expensive, but other cultures tend to be more geared towards making this successful. You already sound like a total walk over and they aren’t married. You don’t particularly like the father and I’m sure you’ll be judging him under your roof. It’s vitally important your daughter doesn’t rely on you for childcare and carry on as though she has no responsibilities as that will affect her bond with the child.

Why must they live with you, and for what timeframe? What house rules will you have and be able to enforce for them both? Will they pay board? Bills? The costs for the child?

Without the answers and commitment to these, it honestly sounds as if they’re basically playing happy families with none of the responsibility… his parents are probably a better option as they’re are more likely able to make him ‘step up’ than you and you’ll still be on hand to support.

Your dd22 also probably needs some support and a nudge towards independence.

The dynamics of adult children living with parents is complex,particularly if partner and children are involved.
I understand you wanting to help your pregnant Dd1.
What do you think is the best option from the ones in OP?
If it were me, the partners parent with more space may be a better option whilst they find a home of their own rather than disrupting ND Dd2 ?

It's all been said really. If you go ahead, everyone in the house will end up hating each other. Too many people in the house, everything revolving around the baby and the mother's needs, and lazy loud boyfriend driving you all insane.

It would be madness, and every single family relationship will be damaged for the long term.

Do the couple actually have jobs? And why is it not possible for DD1 to move out?

Why can't they live with his parents if the house is bigger

This has got disaster written all over it. Does your DD1 work? Does her boyfriend? Why aren't they renting a flat together and behaving like grown-ups? Apparently adult enough to have a baby but not to live independently? If they really can't afford it, then they can move in with his parents who you say have more space.

She wants to move her BF in and live with us

This doesn't need any thought, just laugh and say it's nice to want things. She can move whomever she likes into her own property, but no, of course you won't be housing an adult man.

Yeah life in Asia was a utopia for women and girls. Marriage made life so easy.
I know someone who did this, before long a second baby arrived. Then he decided it wasn't for him, afterall. The Mother's life went, time and money and her relationship with her other children never recovered. Support your DD, he can stay over, but if he isn't getting up with the baby, or staying up while she sleeps and can't live by your DD2s boundaries, he just visits.

He sounds a dick so I'd say no based on that even without adding in the fact that it would be unfair on dd2.

shes 26! They need to step up and move out or terminate if they can't manage.

Dead right. OP will be shattered, embittered, and far more exploited than she is now. Maybe she’s just dreaming of a tiny baby to the exclusion of everything else, I guess.
She’ll rue the day she welcomed this feckless little family’s demand for board and lodging within her own home, if she doesn’t wake herself up.

I understand that it’s difficult as you want to support both your DD’s. It would be difficult to move a boyfriend in and then a baby even if you all got on great. In your circumstances it will be very stressful- mostly for you trying to keep the peace.
if you want to help your oldest dd can you offer help with a deposit and they can rent a house?

Not fair to DD2 to live with someone she dislikes. They can either live with his family or look at renting a flat.

I am being facetious. Hence the smiley. Don't take it so seriously.
I do believe in education and independence before having babies, though.

What does he think of dd2 it works both ways. DD2 dosent get to dictate her sisters boyfriends

Yes flats come cheap don't they and all the bills? 🤔😂

answer 1 No don't do this
answer 2 Hell no don't do this
answer 3 fuck no don't do this
answer 4 see above

I don’t think your younger daughter should have to live with a man she does not feel comfortable around.

And you know you will end up parenting not the baby, but him too…

She’s 26, not 16! If she’s old enough and sensible enough to have a baby she’s old enough to be making her own way in the world surely. If they can’t afford housing how are they going to afford a baby. Madness, and very unfair to DD2.

@DannyOD this. And from experience this will definitely not work. Having a baby in the house may well be lovely (or not) but all the dynamics otherwise will break down very quickly.
Your DD1 is a grown adult and should not be having a baby she can't provide for. And from what you've said there's a fair chance her relationship won't survive the pressures of new parenthood.

Ive had friends living at home when they had their first baby and it was a disaster for all involved. But I understand needs must sometimes.

I also have a son with autism and he would be my priority in this situation over DD1s boyfriend. I would never move someone into his home that he wasn't comfortable with. Everyone has the right to feel safe and happy in their own home. Unfortunately a baby is a different matter and I would explain to him that the baby is family and we have to support him/her. In time she will get used to it.

I would tell DD that she and the baby are welcome to stay until they can find a place but her boyfriend unfortunately cant move in. She wont be happy but its a fair compromise.

The people who own the house are the ones who get to choose. Pregnant DD doesn't get a choice. She can ask. Other adult daughter doesn't get a choice. She can ask.

That is such a basic it shouldn't need saying. My house. My rules.

This isn't the 1950's! Why should she legally tie herself to a man just because they are having a baby?

Why isn't the 26 year old able to move out? Does she not work? No savings for deposit to rent? ND or disability that means she can't live independantly?

If yes to the first two, she needs to get something sorted asap. Does the boyfriend work? They need to get something together money-wise for a deposit and look to see what additional support they are entitled to. If no savings then are you in a position to help? Babies do come with additional financial responsibility so if income is the issue they need to look at their options.

If cannot live independently then is this baby the right thing? I'd be speaking to SS/support agencies/charities for advice and support

As someone who moved in with her inlaws whilst we had a newborn, in order to help save money for a year...

It was a huge support in the early months and I don't know how I would have coped (pnd) without my mil, but it soon became difficult due to lack of space. My ex is also very lazy and this only got worse when we moved into his parents home, he did even less than he did in our own home and did next to nothing for his child. When we moved out a year later it wasnt long before we split as it really hit home I was basically as single mum to a baby and grown man.

Honestly, I would perhaps say he is welcome to stay over for x number of nights, but as he is living with his own parents already I can't see why he couldn't continue to do that until they can afford to live together. It's not ideal but if you let him move in, are they going to have any incentive to want to move out?
I'd reiterate she is more then welcome to continue to live with you and baby, but you have your other daughter to consider and draw the line at the bf.
If your other daughter was okay with him moving in, and you liked him well then it would be a different story perhaps.